Swan Song (1)

Um... yeah. This is the first installation! I'm not really looking for critiques in the critically critical nitpicky sense, though general comments on the overall story and typo-spotting is, as always, much appreciated! This is mostly for a couple of YWSers' pleasure, and especially for Jabs and Juniper, as they both nagged me to write something and post it on YWS. Love you guys! <3

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Dear Diary,

Lin got me a diary today. She said it was the proper sort of gift that young ladies should have. I agree with her. Daddy never gave me a diary, but he’s not very good with little girls. I don’t mean to say that he’s a bad daddy, because he isn’t, but he doesn’t really see the point in writing diaries. He has a diary though. It’s a great big diary! He calls it his ledger and he logs all the purchases from the shop from there. He showed me how to use it too. I learned how to add and subtract from it. He said he would show me more, but he’s very busy.

I told Lin this and she laughed at me, but I am not sure why. She says that she sometimes loves my daddy and his strange “antics.” I don’t know what this word is, but she was working with Daddy in the store, so I didn’t want to bother her. I’ll ask Granid later, if he’s not moody.

~

Dear Diary,

Granid has been very moody lately. I don’t like it. He won’t play with me anymore and he doesn’t call me “Solea” either. He calls me his baby sister. I am not a baby! I told him this, but he was in front of his friends, so he just laughed at me. I don’t think he likes girls very much.

I told Daddy about this, but he said to just be patient with Granid. I don’t think I should. He’s being mean and unbearable and I don’t like him at all. I told Daddy this, and he just shook his head and said that our actions come back to us in ways that we don’t expect. I don’t know what that means, but perhaps that means that other people will call him a baby. If he becomes a White Swan, he’ll definitely be called a baby! White Swans are old.

I hope he becomes a White Swan. At least then, he’ll stop bothering me!

~

Dear Diary,

Lin said that boys act strange when they are growing up, but he’ll be better soon. I don’t think he will though. He’s really old already, so I don’t think he’ll change at all. I told Lin this and she just shook her head and told me I would understand soon. I wish I could understand now. But it seems like I have to be an adult first.

Lin will be leaving tomorrow. I will miss her terribly. She gave me a big hug and told me that she would miss me loads. I told her that I would miss her more, but she only laughed. But at least she wasn’t laughing at me.

Daddy says he will miss her too, but he’s glad to see her go. He said she was a very expensive woman to hire. I don’t know what this means, but I will ask Kara later, since she is good with words and she’s too old to get moody. Also, Daddy said that she had a little girl, almost as old as I am. He says that maybe we’ll meet each other one day.

I think this would be great. I like Lin and I think she would be an excellent mommy. I told Daddy that she would be an excellent mommy and then told him that he trade Lin’s little girl for Granid, since he was being mean. Daddy said I was a naughty girl for saying that and said I should be grateful to have a brother like Granid. But I don’t think I should be grateful at all. He is mean and he calls me names.

I think having a sister would be a lot more fun. I will go ask Daddy to see if he could find a little sister for me.

~

Dear Diary,

Daddy said that he couldn’t get me a little sister because we were a special family without a mommy, and only families with mommies and daddies could have little sisters. So I told him that maybe he could find a mommy so that I could have a little sister, but he just made an odd face and told me that it wasn’t that easy. I thought he was being silly and told him that it wouldn’t be hard because Lin would be an excellent mommy and he could go with her. But Daddy said I was thinking naughty thoughts and told me to go set the table.

I don’t think they’re naughty thoughts. I think it would be nice to have a mommy. I asked Granid about Mommy a while back, and he said that Mommy was very nice. He didn’t say much else, but I know he misses her. I wish I knew her too. I think she would tell Granid to stop calling me his baby sister.

~

Dear Diary,

Remember when I said that Granid didn’t like girls? Well, I was right! Today, I saw him and other girl wrestling with each other! He was on top of her and he wasn’t wearing any clothes. I thought it was pretty embarrassing. I saw their clothes off to the side, and I think he tore her dress off, because there was a small tear in it. I don’t know why he took his clothes off to fight, but maybe it’s because he didn’t want them to get dirty because otherwise Daddy would know that he was fighting with a girl.

I am going to tell Daddy. He shouldn’t be fighting with girls! Maybe Daddy will tell him to stop bothering with me too.

~

Dear Diary,

Granid is really mad at me. He says I should have just shut up and not told him. But, I told him that he shouldn’t have been fighting with her. He didn’t really understand what I meant and he was just getting angry, so Daddy told him in a really quiet voice to go to his room and calm down.

I thought Daddy was angry at me, so when he told me to come over to him, I was afraid. But he let me on his lap and told me that I shouldn’t be concerned with what I saw because Granid wasn’t trying to hurt the girl. He said it was one of those things that I would understand when I got older. I told him that I was tired of people telling me this, but he only laughed and stroked my hair. Then he gave me a big kiss and told me that he was glad that I was still his little girl and that I wouldn’t be his little girl for very much longer. That made me sad. I suppose I never thought that things would end so quickly. So I told him that I would always be his little girl and kissed his cheek, even though it felt scratchy.

Sometimes, Daddy gets sad like that. I wish I could make him happy.

~

Dear Diary,

You’ll never believe it, but a White Swan is visiting soon, just to see Granid! The White Swan hasn’t come here yet, but he will. Granid is rather busy getting ready and the whole house is swarming with half the town. I think everybody wants him to become a White Swan. That way, this town will be blessed.

I am making dessert for the Swan. I hope he won’t mind!

~

Dear Diary,

The whole town is getting really excited! They all want to check on Granid, so we have many visitors coming in all time. It’s really nice. I am so excited for this White Swan to come! He’s supposed to be really famous, so if Granid gets accepted by him, then it’s really good. Then Granid can turn into a White Swan and bless the town.

I thought Daddy would be a lot sadder, since I know he loves Granid, but he’s been really busy lately. Lots of people are coming into his store from out of town because they want to see the Swan.

I want to see the Swan too! Last time, I was too young to remember the Swan, but this time I’ll get to see everything! I heard that last time there was a big fair and Daddy says that, even though I was just a baby, I ate an entire candied apple!

Granid seems to be a bit nervous, but I’m sure he’ll be all right.

~

Dear Diary,

Today, I saw Granid with another girl, like last time. She wasn’t the same one, but she didn’t seem to mind. I found him because Daddy wanted me to look for him and to bring him back home. I wasn’t sure what to do when I saw him, so I went back and told Daddy that he was by the lake. I don’t think Daddy believed me.

Granid’s been acting strange lately. Daddy says he’s very nervous, but I don’t think he should be. I think that any White Swan who sees him would love to take him into training. I think I’ll tell him that.

~

Dear Diary,

Granid hit me today. Said I was annoying him. I’m not sure if I should tell Daddy. It’s only a little bruise, and besides, Daddy looks so busy anyway. I told Temas about it, but he said that I shouldn’t worry and that soon Granid would be gone anyway, so I might as well remember the good parts and forget the bad.

I wish I had more people to talk with. Sometimes, I feel so alone.

I hope the White Swan likes Granid. Maybe Granid will be happy with him.

~

Dear Diary,

So busy! The White Swan is coming today! I hope he likes the rice pudding that I made.

~

Dear Diary,

The White Swan is here! His name is Segius and he seems really nice. He likes me a lot, I think, though I’m not sure why. He’s one of the Twelve, so he’s really old, but he’s really fun and loves to joke around. He also said that the rice pudding was one of the best he’s ever had. I’m a good cook!

I am so happy that I have a chance to meet him! The mayor wanted me not to meet at first, since the mayor said I was cursed and it wouldn’t be a good idea for the White Swan to see such a cursed being. But then Daddy got mad and yelled at him for a couple of hours, so now I have met him! At first, I thought he would be snobby and serious, since that’s what everybody says White Swans are like, but he wasn’t that at all.

Granid seems nervous. I’m not sure why. I hope he calms down! But, I think Segius won’t mind.

Segius is staying at the mayor’s house for the night. Tomorrow, he’ll come stay at our house. I’m sure Granid will calm down by then.

~

Dear Diary,

We can’t find Granid. He ran off last night. Daddy says that he probably got nervous. The mayor said he should stay here, just in case Granid comes back, but he seems really nervous. I hope he feels better.

~

Dear Diary,

We searched the woods and he wasn’t there. Everyone’s worried.

Segius left last night. He gave me a big hug and kiss and told me that, if I were a Potential, he would pick me as his Fledgling in a heartbeat. But I am not a Potential, so I suppose that doesn’t matter. I don’t think he’ll pick Granid for his Fledgling.

I wish Granid came home.

~

Dear Diary,

Someone said they thought they saw Granid. They said he was going to the city. Daddy’s going over there tomorrow.

My godparents are coming to take care of me. They won’t be here until tomorrow night, so the mayor will be taking care of me until my godparents come. I hope they come soon. I don’t like the mayor at all. All he does is talk about how I should be dutiful toward Daddy, because were it not for Daddy, he says I would be living on the streets in the city. He says that were I his daughter, he would disown me.

When I told Daddy this, he told me that the mayor was silly and didn’t know what he was saying. He said I should not listen to the mayor on those sorts of things. I don’t think he and the mayor get along well.

The mayor and Granid get along well. The mayor says that if Granid weren’t a Potential, he would be a perfect husband to his daughter. I am glad that Granid is a Potential. His daughter is mean and I would hate to have her as a sister.

~

Dear Diary,

Eurodities is taking care of me while Archondid is going out with Daddy to find Granid. I hope they come back soon. Eurodities is nice, but she is very strict sometimes and she doesn’t laugh very much.

The mayor is holding a vigil tonight and the town will be praying to Diamea to help them to find Granid. Eurodities won’t go though. She says that Diamea’s been dead a long time and it’s useless to go to the dead for anything. I hope she’s not right, but she may be. She’s a Black Swan, after all.
~

Dear Diary,

Still no word about Granid.

Eurodities said that I wasn’t allowed to go out, but I snuck out anyway because I was so bored. I wish I hadn’t. They were talking about me and saying mean things. They said it was all my fault that Granid was missing because I was cursed and the curse spread to him and now he is lost forever. I feel awful.

I wish Daddy were here so I could ask him about what was going on. Eurodities is so quiet. I’m sure he would tell me that everything would be all right. I won’t interfere with any more Swans if they ever come to meet Granid again though.

I wish I was nicer to Granid. I feel awful because of what happened. I read through my diary entries and cried. When I said that I wanted Granid to be gone, I didn’t mean in this way. Maybe Daddy was right. Maybe my actions came around to me in this way so I would feel sad.

I hope Daddy comes back soon. I miss him terribly.

~

Dear Diary,

I lit a candle in the temple for Granid. I hope Diamea knows I was only joking now.

Eurodities gave me a big hug and said sometimes bad things happen, but she told me not to worry. She said that things never go as they are intended, but usually something good happens out of it. She said that she probably wouldn’t have ever married Archondid if she hadn’t had something bad happen because she wouldn’t have realized how kind and generous Archondid was. She said that only when she had pain and loss did she realize how precious he was to her. And she told me that, even though Mommy was gone and Daddy missed her terribly, he loves me dearly and he is glad for Mommy’s sacrifice, or else he would never know me. She says sometimes what seems to be a hard loss can often be a blessing in disguise. She also said that she knew what the other people were saying, and she says they are silly because I was blessed beyond words.

I hope she’s right.

~

Dear Diary,

Daddy sent a letter today. They found Granid in jail. He says he’ll send more information later.

I’m scared.

Just generally general comments, huh? ~_-

Well, I enjoyed the simplicity of it, first and foremost. Nice, short and broad strokes. Quite clean. That said, you have to change her brother's name. I mean, really - Granidid is just too ridiculous, it's an awful name and its ridiculousness detracts from the story. It literally put me off every time I saw it.

Once or twice in the beginning I thought the register changed a bit too dramatically - notably when the little girl goes from saying daddy a thousand times (possibly a little overdone to begin with, actually) to noting that the ledger is where purchases from the shop go. Otherwise, there's not much going on, it's fairly predictable domestic affairs and while cute, quickly became irritating. The strongest aspect, I thought, were the little indications of the outside culture that operates in their town, the mentions of the White Swan. Deft, I thought and intriguing, and you definitely, definitely need more of that colour, more of that variety because this is a bit too bland otherwise.

Another aspect I enjoyed was her father's character, there's a nice moment or two that give you a brief insight into his sadness - particularly when the little girl asks for a new mommy. But again, we don't really get enough from him and that's mostly to do with the limitation of the narrative form you've chosen, which, I might add, just won't hold up over any considerable distance. It would be best - and i assume you intend to do this anyway - to swap between diary entry and standard prose/present action, yes? If not, you should. Aside from one or two typos (I'll let the worker bees attend to that) I thought it was fairly well done, an easy, enjoyable read. I'm not sure I like that ending; I don't see the father blithely writing that they found the brother in jail, that he was found and is unharmed certainly, but that would surely be something private that he wanted kept secret.

Hope this helped!
Cheers

Hey Snoink! Yay for whoever pressured you into writing and posting this. I think I may go and donate points to them!

Lin got me a diary today. She said it was the proper sort of gift that young ladies should have. I agree with her. Daddy never gave me a diary, but he’s not very good with little girls. I don’t mean to say that he’s a bad daddy, because he isn’t. He’s a very good daddy! But daddy doesn’t really see the point in writing diaries. He has a diary though. It’s a great big diary! He calls it his ledger and he logs all the purchases from the shop from there. He showed me how to use it too. I learned how to add and subtract from it. He said he would show me more, but he’s very busy.

I agree with Jiggity about this chapter. Whoa, Nelly, lay off the daddy. I groaned, wondering if the whole piece was going to sound like this. I think your point might have been to show how young your narrator was, but you don't need this: the diary entries speak for themselves. (especially the naked wrestling haha!)

I think what bothered me the most about this piece is the frequent names you throw our way. Who's Lin? Is she a girlfriend, friend, neighbour, cousin?

Granidid has been very moody lately. I don’t like it. He won’t play with me anymore and he doesn’t call me “Solea” either. He calls me his baby sister. I am not a baby! I told him this, but he was in front of his friends, so he just laughed at me. I don’t think he likes girls very much.

I'm not sure I follow her thought pattern here. Why would she assume he didn't like girls? I would assume he didn't like me. No?

Daddy says he will miss her too, but he’s glad to see her go. He said she was a very expensive woman to hire. I don’t know what this means, but I will ask Kara later, since she is good with words.

Okay, expensive to hire...So, a prostitute or a nanny?
Also, who is Kara? *so confused* You do this quite a few times throughout the piece. It would not be bad for the little girl to ramble about who one person or another is. I mean, it's her diary after all.

I think that was it for the 'nitpicks'.

I liked this, it was different to read. I really hope it doesn't remain in this diary form, though, because it would become tiresome to read. I think in certain instances, you tried too hard to make her sound young, other times, not enough. I can't find an example right now, but how old is she? How long as her mother been gone? I mean, she can add and subtract, but is old enough to understand she should be lying to her brother. Yet other times, she's blurting out stuff she should keep secret. I just couldn't get a sense of her age, or maybe she's simply too naive.

Also, what is this curse they keep mentioning? Does she know why they call her cursed? Isn't she curious? Shouldn't she worry about it? Shouldn't she wonder?

This is quite intriguing, Snoink, and I really can't wait to see where you're going with this. Let me know when you post more, okay?

Tanya

Wow, I really liked this. It's so good and when I started I just couldn't finish. But I had to when it got to the end. Please write more, because this is brilliant and I'd love to see more of this. So well done.

- bugbug368

Wow, thanks for all the reviews! I didn't really expect any!

Granidid was a name I came up when I was eight. And yes, this story is very, very old. The name is rather silly, I admit, but I don't want to change his name too much, just because it's been Granidid for 12 years now. Would "Granid" be more acceptable here? I'm rather bad at names so I'm not sure.

At this point, she's seven, though she does get older. If she didn't get older, I am afraid this story would be rather boring. Seven-year-olds are rather self-centered and such.

I have no idea if it'll stay in diary form. This poor story has been through so many revisions and rewrites that it makes FREAK look like I hardly edited it at all. That's kind of what happens when you have a 12 year old story!

this is really good i finished it soo fast please write more

Wow, twelve years! ...That is a long, long time to be editing a story. How are you not sick of it? ;P Well, Snoink, I'm really quite surprised this hasn't gotten more reviews by now. I thought it was very well written - it read like a diary entry beautifully. I felt like I'd just stolen it from some child. ;D If you take out all the well-placed fantasy references that is...

I wish you could have told us a little more about the White and Black Swans, though. While it showed that these were just everyday life things to your MC, I still have no clue what they are, what it means... Perhaps she could shed just a little more light on it?

Also, I hope she grows up soon, because as cute as they are, the ramblings of a seven year old can get quite confusing.

One reason I think the name "Grinidid" or "Granid" does really fit with your young boy character is that, phonetically, they're similar to Granddad or Gran, which automatically ages him in my mind. :/ When I saw the name, I pictured a gnarled, old man, clutching a walking stick or a staff. Then I saw he was a lot younger than that... Highlighted by his "wrestling" activities, haha. I dunno, that might just be me.

Well, those were my only concerns. I thought the diary entries were perfect. I have younger nieces and nephews and I can image them saying certain things like that. I don't know if they'd be so religious about writing in their diary every night, though... Even though your first chapter was just shown through diary entries, I could imagine the scenes as perfectly as if you'd written it with the typical format.

Love this. Do continue posting it - and let me know when you do. (X

~EmmaJane~

First of all, thank you so much!

I did a couple of edits...

1. Granidid = Granid now. So! More like a rock.

2. Mentioned a little bit about other people! Not too much more, but yeah. So now you know that Kara is old, Lin is working at the store, and the mayor doesn't like her. Wooo.

3. Took out the daddys in the first paragraph. It should read better now!

4. Minor edits to make sentences make sense.

Didn't add a lot of background information for the characters, but I reread some of my old diary entries, and I don't think I wrote too much about other people, lol. Unless they annoyed me!

Thanks so much! I'll be posting the second part soon.

Dang woman, when I asked to review something I didn't realize you would ask me to read something this long! lol but I like it! I didn't really see anything wrong, but I'm half asleep and reading all of this kinda makes my head hurt. No worries, I understood everything you were saying. This is actually kind of cute, if you ask me! Thanks for making me read this, it was a great way to waste thirty minutes of my time that I should actually by sleeping! haha I've never actually read anything of your's but I've seen your reviews so I knew you were a really could writer and knew what you were doing. Have I told you how talented you are? Well, you're very talented, and if it wasn't for that and the fact that I love you, I wouldn't have read a word of this! (Ok, I probably would have, but I'm making a point so let's not go there!) Now I'm just babbling, but this is a general comment on what you wrote. I love it, have I said that already? I have? Oh well, I love it! Haha, well next time you have something you want me to read, could you tell me how long it is first? Lol. Well keep writing because I want to read more of this! Alright, well goodbyee!

~Forsakinshadow~

PS: This might be the longest review I've done in a long while! Please, give me something else to read!!)

Hi Snoink,

Yeah, so I liked this. I'm glad it wasn't like any normal "diary" type of story. Y'know? Anyway...I'm going to start from the beginning.

The beginning, I find, is very cliche. It's like most other diary-type stories' starts. But then, how else to start, I guess? Obviously, I didn't like the beginning very much. At least it was well-written. If there was any way you could alter it, great, if not, well, so be it.

At first, you know you know nothing, absolutely nothing, about Solea. Well, yeah, it's kind of expected and natural. And you don't tell us really anything about her, either. BUT. But, you're good at hinting. When the reader wonders about the age of this girl, there's no indication really. Except for "her" writing. You can tell by the way she talks about her family, Granid and reveals her innocence unconsciously that she's young. Well, at least, that's what I gathered. It's good. I'm not really a fan of the stories that start:

My name is George. I am fifteen years old and stand five-foot-seven. My hair is brown and my eyes are green.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Nice way to introduce us to Solea through the whole thing.

I kind of got sick of a few repetitions. Like when Solea kept saying stuff like "I'll ask Gagagoop later". I quote:

I’ll ask Granid later

And there were a few other times...I know it, but I just can't find them again. Anyway, maybe just rearranging or adding some words will vary it a bit.

It was kinda cool, the whole Swan thing and Fledgling and stuff. I have no idea what it is in this world of Solea's, but I'll probably find out sometime soon. As I'm going to read on to review more

The names...different. It kind of came as a surprise, I'm not sure why though. Perhaps I haven't read much with fantasy made-up names recently. I don't know. It was cool.

Anyway, I liked this, not much else. Looking forward to reading the rest.

Lavvi

Hi! I am here to save the kitten from certain death dinner!

So you already knew I adore this. And if you didn't already know, now you do! The youthful voice really shone through. Wonderful! Though the name change from Granidid to Granid threw me for a loop. xD I think the original sounded a lot like "grandpa/grandma" or at least sounded like it. I remember thinking at at first. However, that shouldn't stop you from using the name if it's got another meaning behind it.

I always struggled making sense of diary formats, so what I ask here may be null and void. xD But! She wrote a lot of diary entries. When did she write in her diary? She's writing about twenty entries over the course of, what I assume to be, a few days. I guess she's got a lot of time on her hands?

Also, I wasn't into the diary thing. xD I tried at first, but I only ever remembered the first couple days before it was left abandoned. Does that mean she has an interest in writing or storing her thoughts? She's a very dedicated seven-year-old! But like I said, I don't know how the whole diary thing works for people. So I could just be naive!

I'm also curious about the White/Black Swan! They sound like some sort of priests. I'm very intrigued by them though! And I hope Granidid is okay. D: (Or wait. Granid!) I'm also hoping the diary entries would make more sense the older she gets, assuming you stick to that format. Also. More Lin! She was nice!

I'm off to read more and hope to be more helpful!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hello!
I JUST noticed I didn't read the start of this *aw shucks* Aren't I smart?
So, on to the review I liked this the the other chapter I read but I found myself getting confused by who is who in it but that is to be taken because you don't exactly do a whole background story in a diary, so not really a nitpick at all.
Good work again,
SweetMoments

Hey there, Snionk!

I like this. I admit I haven't read it entirely, I will add it to my reading list... but I enjoyed it up till now. You write smoothly and it is pleasant to the readers.

I also prefer first person narrations, so this diary-type of novel appeals to me.

Part four makes oodles of sense now, at least more than it did before. xD Anyway, this was a nice read! The simplicity is actually quite refreshing, and EmmaJane is right. How are you not sick of it after so long? The whole "Black Swan/White Swan" deal is intriguing but confusing. But you probably did that on purpose, to make the reader want to finish the other chapters, yes? No? Either way that's the effect. xP

Quick-n-dirty notes here.

Not that all seven-year-olds in the world put the dates down in their diaries, but it might help with framing a little. I wasn't quite sure how far apart some of the events in the story were and so it might have been nice just for the reader's sake. But that might just be me. The writing works without the dates, I'm just thinking framing-wise.

As an intro, this is interesting. I like the idea of the child being the viewpoint character and the simplistic, self-centered diary entries are pretty cool. I could see this either being the aforementioned "pretty cool" or becoming irritating. As it stands, it's working.

I would have liked to have seen a little more of Granid before he ran off, just to get a handle on his character. As is, I thought he was an older man (like, based on the fact that his name sounded like "grandpa"... thought it was just her unique for him, like Pop-pop or something) and then I figured out he was her older brother. Then next thing I know, he's running off. Is he nervous about the Swan? Does he have some other goals in life? I understand that his little sister wouldn't be privy to all of that, but what were they like before he began to get all broody and stuff, so that we see a change?

Also, because everything is about me, I seriously freaked when I read this sentence.

I don’t think he’ll pick Granid for his Fledgling.

All I saw was a capital "G" and "Fledgling". I was all "why am I in this story? O_o?"

Color me intrigued. I will read on.