sort of a fail poem (title change)

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Ask and you shall receive...I wrote this in under 35-40 minutes, nitpicked it some, but haven't really seriously re-assessed it. Some have been miffed (ok more like annoyingly bemused) I don't do more than "gimmicks" and trinkets; well here ya' go! And it's even easy to relate with I would think! :smt001
Hope you like it (edit2: hahahaha! thanks for reading and possibly reviewing).

Spoiler
Of the old Guard, this Bard sings for the Web

O' ̶ but to call across this cyber-land
And in each surfer, in each writer, ask
The untold query on whom they stand
“Upon titans we exist, who took to task
Illumination ̶ in this Net, the eternal void.
Yet my fellow wanderer, have you knowledge
Have you names of old days?” A-void
The records, for though they find easily
Roads once shining bright by unending cyber night,
Not the greatest Hippocrates nor Socrates fleetingly
Thinks, nor ponders, raising those ghosts of wright;
For their great & sublime mirth hast grown craven
And laden to our feet, their silent Net beseeching:
To find the voice of speaking in an age of silence,
To take to task and blaze a path through the old Guard's heart,
As is nature of the Web that all things great must end,
And this Barb sings for them who have no song but dead
Packets of electric bytes and ellipses many where
Their souls in sublimation are all but removed,
And their memory rest in names as effigy.
To the dawning age as this page is laid,
Let the word be re-written and the tale heard
Forever remembering the old Guard that comes before us
As when our time comes, let the same be said across the Net.


edit: FWIW, I got tired of making this annoyingly pedantic rhyme scheme, I honestly wrote this as a little theme for YWS. It SHOULD be longer the way it goes, but eh. Please look at it for content and ability.
edit:2 the actual thing is still there in the spoiler, but consider it old if I ever change it.
Last edited by MeanMrMustard on Sat Mar 19, 2011 6:25 am, edited 2 times in total.




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Here I am to review :) I must admist I have an ulterior motive *laughs* If you have time could you check out my next chapter? It has no reviews yet *sniffle*

Okay. Review.
1) My first thought was that this is not the most inviting poem to read. The format of a single stanza makes it look unappealing and difficult.
2)
MeanMrMustard wrote:Illumination ̶ in this Net, the eternal void.

I was feeling a little useless, since I can't find any corrections!!! This double space is the best I've got. Sorry!

Overall I really liked it, even f I had to copy and paste it onto word and then insert gaps so I could read it in a more comfortable way!
Keep on posting 'em! :)



A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
— Unknown