Anything But Normal~Chapter One, Part One

[Firstly, notice how I formatted your story with line breaks. Try formatting it this way - it makes it a lot easier to read]

I looked at my small body in the mirror. The blue in the short, strapless dress brought out the blue in my dark grey eyes. My long, dark brown hair curled down my back and covered the part of my chest that the dress didn’t. It was perfect; exactly right for my petite body. The dress hugged my hips just right and fell into an A shape that came down to my knees. [These descriptions feel slightly invasive] I tugged the dress off and searched for the price tag. One hundred and twenty dollars for this one dress; that's ridiculous!

I quickly pulled on my faded jeans and black v-neck, and stepped out of the dressing room. I walked over to the register where I saw a cashier who looked to be in college. Perfect, I thought; his hazel eyes hiding slightly behind his shaggy brown hair. [The last bit (after the semicolon) is kind of a broken sentence, since it doesn't have a subject. If you're up for experimenting with style, that's OK -- but I wouldn't do it in a serious work]

He looked up at me with a grin on his face as he said, “How can I help you, beautiful?” [Having a very hard time imagining a clerk call a customer "beautiful". If I was called something like that by anyone I don't know, they'd sound at least a little weird to me. Or is she so beautiful that no man can resist her? If that's the case, I would revise your character, because that's a very big Mary-Sue warning sign]

“How much is this?” I asked, handing him the dress. [Doesn't she, uh, already know how much it is? Or is this just her entry into wooing the guy into giving her a discount? If I were the guy, I'd think of the main character as a bit... not all there, if she can't read the tag - in other words, even if she said this to get the discount out of him, I would still change this up a little]

He scanned the tag and said, “A hundred and twenty.”

“Ooh...” I said, sounding disappointed. [Sounding disappointed to whom? You're writing in first person; your character can't really judge herself whether she sounded disappointed or not from another perspective. I'd change it to "...I said, trying to sound disappointed". Better yet, I'd remove the description altogether and change the "ooh" to something a bit more evocative. Good dialogue should speak for itself; it should be obvious from the way she replied that she sounded disappointed]

“What?”

“That’s a little out of my price range… Do you think you could give me a discount?”

“Only employees receive discounts,” he replied quickly.

Time to turn on the charm. I made sure to look up into his eyes.

“You’re an employee, aren’t you..?"

I searched for his name tag but couldn’t find one.

“Tom," he finished, [Why "finished"? Why not just "said"? Again, this goes back to the good dialogue speaking for itself bit] realizing what I was looking for.

“Tom,” I repeated, batting my eyelashes. I reached over and ran my fingers through his hair while I repeated his name again. “Now, are you sure that only employees receive discounts? Because I think it should be 75% off, don’t you?”

“No,” my face turned into a frown. [You should add "he said" after the "no". I had to re-read this because I was confused by the "my face turned...". It sounded like it was the main character speaking] “I think it should be free. My treat, gorgeous.” he stared into my eyes intently and I smiled in return. He seemed to melt.

“How sweet,” I said although I knew this wasn’t out of the goodness of his heart. No, this was all me.

I grabbed the black bag he handed me and turned to head for the door. Just before I stepped outside, I heard yelling from behind. I turned to see a woman yelling at Tom.

“You can’t just hand free stuff away to every cute girl you see!” she shouted. “That’s coming out of your paycheck!”
Tom was just beginning to come out of the trance that he had been in; shaking his head to free it of the fuzziness.

I turned away, feeling sorry for him. That was, until I looked in my bag and saw the silk dress that I had just received without paying a cent. Seth is going to love this! I can’t wait to show him.