Jerry

May 27th
They just called my cell phone, told me news that I’d never, in a million, trillion years, ever want to or imagine that I would have to face.
Jerry is dead.
My Jerry who loved me when no one else would, my sweet Jerry that would always surprise me with lilies when I came home from the gym and take me out for egg and cheese bagels from Einsteins just for the heck of it. My Jerry, who, just two weeks ago, invited me over to his house to watch a movie and had gotten down on one knee and showed me a diamond ring, and I had told him yes.
They say his end was quick, that he didn’t feel much pain because he was dead almost as soon as the bullet had pierced his forehead. But what does it matter? He is dead. He isn’t going to come back.
Everyone tells me it will be okay, that they will be there to love and support me. I know I have to move out of our apartment, but I don’t know where I’m going to live. Mom offered to take me in, but I do not want to live with her and dad. I might be able to live in this apartment for a little while and hope the theater company pays me well.
They’re holding auditions for the season in a month. Will I be able to do it? Jerry would be proud, Jerry would tell me that yes, yes, I should. But could I rehearse and train with everything else going on?
I don’t know. Kara invited me out for coffee tomorrow. I’m going to talk to her and see if she has any ideas.

May 28th
Kara told me to audition. She says that it would be the right thing, that Jerry would be proud of me. That it will help me get my mind of things. I’m still somewhat hesitant, though. I don’t know why.

June 2nd
Back when they gave me this diary two years ago, the doctors told me that I needed to write every day. And I have, every day for two years, until now. I’ve been so messed up these past few days. I haven’t even practiced for my auditions, which are approaching fast. Kara’s called me a few times, Mom has too, but I haven’t returned their calls. You see, I’ve been seeing Jerry every night for a couple of nights now, and I remember it so vividly. He hasn’t left me. He’s not dead. He still wants to get married! I was so happy to see him.

June 3rd
Jerry keeps visiting me every night. I don’t return calls or leave the house. He tells me it’s too dangerous, that they’re out to get us. That they don’t want us to get married and that’s why they told me he’s dead. Well Kara’s a liar because he told me not to audition either, that it would get in the way of our love. That someone would murder us both. But then he told me the strangest thing. He told me to kill myself so I could be with him forever and ever and there would be nothing in the way of our sweet love.
Nothing.
He’s the only one who’s ever loved me. I have no choice but to say yes. Goodbye, goodbye to this cold and cruel world.
Together, Jerry, we'll be the most beautiful things in heaven.

Hey Elinor!

I haven't been in the reviewing mood of late, but after reading this, I felt like I wanted to review again. So thanks!

It was short, so we didn't really get to delve into the MC's background; her life, with and without Jerry. In fact, we don't really get that much information at all. But that's not generally a bad thing. I like it the way it is - the format and the content.

It was a interesting read, but I did feel that it went a little bit quickly from the 'Jerry's dead' to the 'he's not - they all lied' part. I'd like to see her really questioning the people around her a little more. It seems like Kara is a close friend of hers and I'd be really surprised and hurt if my best friend lied to me - even if in reality she didn't. Maybe add in a little more emotion. Not too much that it unbalances the piece, but enough to make us feel for her.

It's clear from the title and description that the MC becomes unbalanced due to Jerry's death, but I'd like to see a little more of her inner thoughts. Shouldn't she be fighting with herself a little more? Wondering why everyone said he was dead and then suddenly he's alive again, albeit in her head.

I only found one mistake -

That it will help me get my mind of things.

'of' should be 'off'

I hope you find this review helpful! I really enjoy your writing

xDudettex

Hey Eli, Anger here whether you like it or not

I'll be basing my entire critique on three things -maybe four-: Opening, Characterization, Format and loosely on Conflict.

Opening

They just called my cell phone, told me news that I’d never, in a million, trillion years, ever want to or imagine that I would have to face.
Jerry is dead.

I don't like this opening, I feel like it could have been put in a different way. With a bit more emphasis, showing a bit more of her pain maybe. The way she says 'Jerry is dead' doesn't make me want to know too much about this Jerry, and normally when people lose someone they over dramatize it, see everything the person did in rose tinted glasses which your MC does later on. The fact that it's in a diary entry should help re-enforce the amount of emotion you should but into this, because diaries are personal and your deepest, darkest secrets go there. We should feel like we're looking into her soul.

I don't like the 'million, trillion' bit it takes away from the early modest older style that the character seems to speak through.

If 'They just called' how has she gotten a chance to talk to her relatives

Everyone tells me it will be okay, that they will be there to love and support me

shouldn't it be everyone will tell me it will be okay.

Characterization

Your MC doesn't seem to appeal to me as much as I wanted her to. Even when she's crazy -mentally unbalanced- and I'm beginning to like her, it still feels like she's holding back somehow. This could be great if you let her get loose in her emotions, and really let us see her transition from mentally stable, to being mentally unstable.

Format

I love it. Diary entries are interesting to read because they are the characters feelings right off the bat. And that's what really draws me to this work of yours.

Conflict

I liked the whole idea of the conflict but not the way it was executed. I think like I've said about 555 times now that you should have delved further into the emotional side of this but for something written in about 20 minutes, this was great. I think you should expand on it.

Hope this helped in anyway possible,

Anger

Thanks, guys! I'll definitely work on expanding this.

Dudette - he's not really alive again. She's just hallucinating that he is.

Heya Eli!

So, as you mentioned up above me, you really should expand this. One thing that would be nice to hear more about is how Jerry died. He was shot but usually, well, there’s some sort of reason as to why someone shoots someone. Even if there wasn’t a motive behind it, explaining a bit more would have been nice.

but I do not want to live with her and dad.

Here’s just a little grammar/capitalization tweak. ‘dad’ should be ‘Dad.’ I had a hard time understand this one for a while but if you can replace ‘dad’ or ‘uncle’ or ‘aunt’ with their actual names like ‘Clyde’ or ‘Kevin’ or ‘Patty’ then it should be ‘Dad’ or ‘Uncle’ or ‘Aunt.’ (I have no idea if this was just a typo or if you didn’t know the rule but I felt like typing that up either way. Don’t hate. )

One thing, though, that this really needs, is more description, most especially of the MC and how she shifts from being fairly normal (pre death) to where she is slowly becoming .It would almost have been nice to see a baseline or a ‘stable’ entry at the very beginning just to give everyone something to compare to.

Goodbye, goodbye to this cold and cruel world.

So close to the end, this rather cliché-sounding line really stands out. In fact, it stood out to me more than the actual last line which is never good. Consider, possibly, rewriting it or maybe just getting rid of it.



Overall, though, still a clean, well-thought out and well written (as always) piece.


Any questions, Eli, let me know!