6 feet under

It was a fresh summers evening, the sun still high in the sky shone down warming the grass and the cobble path. I took my shoes off and laid them on the edge of a rock. Then I ran through the grass. It was knee deep and so soft on my skin. I ran and I twirled until I came to a tree. It was a beautiful oak. Its leaves were as green as emeralds and its bark was old and rough. I stood there for ages just staring at the twirls and bumps in it, following them with my fingers. The air was clean and the park was empty. It was a heaven on earth, a place where you could forget all your worries. I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes, I was so relaxed. I was finally at peace.
Suddenly something cold and metal hit me round the back of the head and knocked me unconscious. When I awoke I was in a wooden box. The bottom touched my feet yet the top touched my head. My arms were at my sides and both of them were against the box. It took me a while to figure it out but I was in a coffin. My heart started to pound and as soon as I went to sit up something clamped the lid on and I heard a hammer nail it into place. My mouth went dry. There was a small crack in the lid of the box and I moved my head into a position where I could see out of it. The sight that met me scared me even more. I felt my skin rise up in goose bumps and the hair on my arms stood like solders call to attention. It was him. Damien. The guy whom I loved, who I spent weeks on end curled up in his arms. The one I would have given anything and I mean anything just to be with again.
He was shirtless and you could see the muscles in his arms working as he moved the box. His mouse grey hair glued to his head by a stream of sweat. The gardening gloves on his hands old and muddy. What was he doing? He put the box down and it started to lower into a hole. My breaths quickened and my forehead started to bead with sweat. Did he know I was still alive?
I screamed his name but he didn’t reply over and over again I screamed “Damien, Damien!” I screamed until my tongue had gone numb and I started to cry my words whimpered “please” he went out of sight for a bit then came back with a shovel in his hand. I moved my arms up and started banging the lid trying to get his attention trying to get him to stop. He dug the shovel in to the pile of dirt next to the hole and heaved it into the hole. It hit with a thud. He through another and another one covered the hole and a few bits a dirt stung my eye but I couldn’t move my arms closer to wipe it away. It got darker and darker until there was no light at all. I couldn’t hear a thing. Now the only sounds were of my whimpers. I laid there for hours, the air was getting thicker and harder to breath, my head stung and my mouth was so dry.
It was then I thought back. Back to when it was me and him, when we would walk hand in hand down at the beach, how we’d sit on the sand and watch the sun set and how he’d pull into him and kiss my neck. Then back to the day we first met how I instantly fell in love with his gorgeous smile and how I blushed when he said hello. Then the darkness swallowed me and I took my final breath.

Hello,
I really love how you describe things. Some people over describe things but you keep it simple yet beautiful. For me it was a mix of emotions including saddness, and fear. The ending was perfect. One thing though is I think you should put a little more plot before the initial attack. It was a liitle sudden. Other then that I loved it! Great job.

Miranda

Hi there!

So, this was an interesting little piece. You definitely know what you were writing about and didn't just do it on a whim, and I think the fear that your narrator faces definitely plays across in this piece. What you write about is something we can all relate to; even if we've never lost a loved one, the fear is definitely present. So, why then, did I remain uninterested?

For a number of reasons. I think the main thing is that it is,right now, much less then its potential. This is only a couple of paragraphs long when it should really warrant a lot larger space then that. What you've written about isn't exactly original, so you need to add to it and make it your own. If your emotion was strong, it might be ok, but the emotion isn't really powerful to begin with. Add detail; how did he die and why? Is the first time she's realized he's dead, or did she already know and go to visit his body? Instead of having her mind flash over generic memories, I would go into a lot more detail with them.

Your ending is also very abrupt. You don't really give us anything to lead into it, and because the emotion isn't there, we don't get a sense of why she did it and it just make the ending confusing. It's a bit cheesy, especially that she would do it on a whim without much thought; maybe have her weigh the different options. Her boyfriend couldn't have been the only thing in her life, right?

Overall, this is good, but you just need to add a lot more description and detail. hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions.

~ Elinor

hahah yea.. i like to jump strate to the pointwhen im wrighting,otherwise i find i get bord and never finish the story. some of my longer pices that im typing up now (around 60 pages) have a lott more of a build up to them but also have many twists and turns as well as a huge cliff hanger at the end of one with i hade quite a few friends actualy screaming at me for and thanks for the revews they shall shure help !