Magics : Prologue

*bows* Thanks for reading. It's been fun.

^_^ Keek out!

It started off quite bland and confusing( this is probably cs you didnt describe his situation or destanation that clearly)but the more i read , the better it got , and at the very end i was pretty hooked. Make it more easy to understand.I liked the bit about the mountain wall " he then willed it to exist". from mr cooooooooooool[/quote]

Ooh!

Well, some things weren't very clear, mostly at the beginning. I'll show you some examples. But, it really is good. We get acquainted with our hero, Megium...and I wonder about the Watchers. What are they? etc...Someone said that prologues are used to explain something that happened in the past, so perhaps Megium isn't the hero of the story, but a past hero (if that makes any sense). *shrug* Anyway, I'm interested, so good job!

Now I'm reverting to my old ways...Get ready for length! Sorry if it's not the kind of feedback you want. I'll try.

Megium felt the heat from the fire touching him, though he knew it was far below and had no way of climbing the rock mountain. Don’t look down, he thought. Don’t look down. Why am I here?

Why indeed was he here? Climbing the rock mountain? He hated heights, the very thought of being high up make him dizzy and faint. But the Watchers had told him that if he wanted to gain the power to save the city, he had to climb the mountain. Megium screwed his eyes shut and climbed on.

In bold: You need some kind of transition between these. They don't fit together, can you see that? Maybe describing his anxiety or dizziness in between the first and second bold sentences. Also, because 'Why am I here' is a separate thought, you might want to isolate it in a second paragraph--and you have emphasis! And...more description couldn't hurt...or at least, a more vivid description of the heat or something.

Down below he heard screams, his eyes snapped open and out of the corner of his eye he saw a purple glow. The edged of the fire were turning purple. And the color was spreading.

Poison.

And here I thought "...hm? Oh, interesting." You've got a typo here. But, ah...Out of the corner of his eye implies next to him, rather than below him, then that he sees the fire as you describe the edges of the fire are turning purple and spreading. The only thing I could think was that maybe the fire was reflecting off the mountain, and then Megium looked down. Did he, or did he not?

Had there not been a store of poisons near the edge of the city? Yes!

Well, okay, cool idea, the poison changing the color of the fire...My question is, Why do they have a store of poisons...ick! That's just a bit creepy. Unless, it's rat poison or something. That could be clarified, possibly, in one or two words.

By the time he reached the top Megium was exhausted and feeling spent. He was there, he had made it. He stumbled forward and his eyes widened in wonderment. The top of the mountain was flat, flat as if it had been cut with a fine blade.

I like the second sentence, how it rolls out. Third sentence: Could you be a little more specific? If I tried to cut a rock with a fine blade, it still wouldn't be very flat. Now, if I cut through clay or cheese it would have a different effect...But it's your liscense to do as you wish. I understand what you're saying.

From it’s dark unseen source rose small multicoloured specks.

“Welcome young one. Are you ready to help your people?”
Megium licked his lips. This was one of the Watchers. She seemed to have risen from nowhere, and now watched him through her murkey white eyes

Here's one of the vague, unclear places. Don't read the last sentence. It sounds like the multicolored specks are one of the Watchers. Now read the last sentence. The Watcher has murky white eyes. Is that all it is, a pair of eyes? More description would help a lot. We're nearly completely new to the idea of Watchers.

“We will give you our magics. But for us to give you such a gift you must be willing to sacrifice an equally valuable gift.”
“What?”
“Your right arm.”

Ew... Is your right arm equally important as magic? I have a feeling he gave more than they said he was.

They all touched him, and he realised distantly that they no longer were transparent ghost-like creatures.
“In exchange for flesh and existence, we give you our magics.”

There was no indication before that they were ever 'transparent ghost-like creatures'. So, he allowed them to become flesh and blood...what does that mean for him? (these are just my musings, I'm not expecting an answer)

The city was on fire.

...wasn't it already...?

-People of the mountain. My name is Megium. If you wish to live, come unto the mountain. Quickly!-

Okay...the format is fine, because it's in its own paragraph. But if it's integrated with other sentences any other time in the future, I'd prefer italics. *shrug*

And then he fainted, and knew no more.

I knew he was the hero.

46 pages? Are you posting/have you posted any more?

~Jacquie~

blob wrote:It started off quite bland and confusing( this is probably cs you didnt describe his situation or destanation that clearly)but the more i read , the better it got , and at the very end i was pretty hooked. Make it more easy to understand.

Thanks. I'm glad it wasn't bland all the way through. =P. I'll try and maybe go backwards and explain what is going on...*blink* oh drat. I can't remember what was going on. Something about wild people... >.< When I remember I'll fix it. I'll also add some more description.

J. Haux wrote:Someone said that prologues are used to explain something that happened in the past, so perhaps Megium isn't the hero of the story, but a past hero (if that makes any sense). *shrug* Anyway, I'm interested, so good job!

You're right about Megium and I think you're right about prologues, though I don't know for sure so maybe we're both wrong. >.< I'm glad you're interested.

J. Haux wrote:Now I'm reverting to my old ways...Get ready for length! Sorry if it's not the kind of feedback you want.

Not at all. I find this type of feedback to be very constructive and helpfull. It's great to know what people like, but it's best to know what they don't like so you can make it better. Or at least I think ti works that way. ^_^ Thanks for the feedback. When I get an oportunity I will make some changes.

[pre]This was very good, you used good dramatic timing. For example, the one word paragraph "Poison." That alone actually drew me in to continue reading. Some things were a little confusing and the like. I'm sure they were stated before. However: you are often asking questions and the answering them right away, in the beginning of the prologue. Used tactfully, this can be rather clever, but here it was repetitive. We have no sense of the connection this main character has with this city. Does he live there? Family? If not, why is he here?[/pre]

ukgurl@hart wrote:[pre]This was very good, you used good dramatic timing. For example, the one word paragraph "Poison." That alone actually drew me in to continue reading. Some things were a little confusing and the like. I'm sure they were stated before. However: you are often asking questions and the answering them right away, in the beginning of the prologue. Used tactfully, this can be rather clever, but here it was repetitive. We have no sense of the connection this main character has with this city. Does he live there? Family? If not, why is he here?[/pre]

^Agree, I liked the pace of the story and I agree that some aspects of the story are beffudling. The question tactic you used was annoying like ukgurl said.

I liked it you should fix it up and continue

Oh wow. You went and dug this up from the bottom of the pile. =P I actually did continue this (over some 46+ pages >.<), but no real plot ever emerged because I focused too much on creating the world of Magics (what I called the story) and not so much on figuring out what was wrong with it. =P

If I ever figure out the conflict I'll probably continue it.