cellar

he puts his hand on my shoulder
and leads me out to his back yard
there is a man’s silhouette
stapled to an oak tree some thirty yards away
he shows me how all the parts fit together
keep it clean, he says, keep it oiled
and never
point it at yourself
or others
his daughter opens the cellar door
steps barefoot onto the grass
greenest eyes you ever saw
if I could feel her breath
it would taste like Thunderbird
now look, she says, there’s no laundry detergent
how am I supposed to do the laundry
without laundry detergent

he puts his hand on my shoulder
and shows me how to hold it properly
thumb forward, he says, keep your arm straight
but don’t tense up
your arms shake
when you tense up

he shows me how to stand
keep both eyes open, he says, lean into it
press the trigger, but don’t squeeze
never squeeze
the magazine is empty

he leads me to the silhouette
there are six holes in the yellow paper
that, I ask, is not very good, is it
six out of fifteen, he says, no
that isn’t very good
but at least now you know
what it feels like

his daughter opens the cellar door
her hair is wet
her breasts are covered with a blue towel
the hot water, she says, is out again
you said you were going to fix it
you never do anything you say you’re going to

I feel sorry for him
he’s taught me more about firearms
than my father ever will
I want to speak
to tell the girl to go easy on him
but I don’t
I just keep my mouth shut
and shoot his guns
and sleep with his daughter
while he sits alone
in the cellar
and reads the magazines
and drinks Thunderbird in the dark

This is truly great!
I loved it and was amazed.
It was riveting and had a strong visual coherence!
The rythme and tempo were subtle and even.
No rhymes which made it more narrative.
Good job!
~spartacus~

This kind of reminds me of "Naming of Parts" by Henry Reed, except not nearly as powerful. For one, you kind of stall at the very end and seem to apologize or make light of everything you've just written. Like, you shrug it off as unimportant and it kind of makes your poem fall flat in this case. Not good.

Another thing: you don't really tie in what the daughter and the father together very well. Like, she appears randomly and complains. Okay. But what she complains about and the father teaching this guy how to fire a weapon don't really go together at all. I mean, I think you're trying to make them make sense, which is probably why you have the last, very weak and apologetic stanza which kind attempts to wrap things up, but doesn't really.

If you want to make this feel a lot better, either tie it together better or make the separation more distinct and wild. So, if you wanted to tie it together, you might describe how these people he's meeting become like silhouettes. Or how she resembles a gun. Or something. If you want to make it wilder, nix the last stanza and don't bother apologizing. Just lead the reader into a crazy tail spin without any warning. Maybe she takes him away. Maybe she makes flowers grow from his gun. I dunno. Just make it so unbelievable that you don't need to apologize.

Hope this helps!

Hi there!
So, I thought this was really good. However, I do have two complaints.
1. Disconnection.
Throughout the poem, your were speaking with the father and his daughter was randomly interjecting, trying to take care of the house and be practical and everything, and she wasn't able to because everything was broken. That was it. You need to clarify the emotions that stem from that conflict and you need to make it clear that you are sleeping with her (really surprised me at the end), and you need to make sure that we know the implications behind it.
Right now, it just feels like she's kind of just randomly there and popping her head in once every while.

2. Punctuation.
The rhythm of this piece felt quite stilted to me, and it took me about the second line to realize why. There isn't any punctuation at all in this poem.
Punctuation oftentimes gets looked over as not really necessary and just cluttering up your space, but it actually allows you to completely change the rhythm of your poem. It show your reader how to read it. People will reply that your words should do that on their own, and while that's possible, it still will feel a bit off, just a bit stilted.
For punctuation, I would suggest using the punctuation you would use if you were writing a paragraph. It's simple, it's clean, and it's easy. After being punctuated, I really think that this piece would be great.

Overall, nice job. I love the simple, pure language, and you have a great concept. Just intertwine the pieces a bit more, clarify some stuff, and punctuate. Great job. c:

Thanks for the feedback guys.

To Snoink:

I've never read "Naming of Parts," but I'll take a look at it. It's interesting to read your response to the last stanza. This is the 2nd draft of this poem. After my professor returned the original draft to me the whole thing was covered with marks except for that last stanza, which according to his notes was the one part of the poem which I should not change. So I guess I'll have to just weigh my options.

I guess what it really boils down to is what direction I want to go with the poem. The idea of flowers coming out of the gun is interesting, but when I originally began writing this poem I wanted it to be about the girl's father and not so much about guns, the girl, or even the speaker himself. I wanted to create a sense of longing on the part of the father but reveal it through his interactions with the speaker. The daughter's main purpose, for me, was to create a sort of character triangle, as well as suggest a hidden meaning to the father's lessons to the boy. But like you said, I didn't do a very good job of that, so I'll just have to try again.

To Persephoneia:

I agree, poetry is about emotion. I had intended for the father's interactions with the speaker to create a sense of longing on his part. The daughter's interjections were supposed to reveal tension between the father and daughter, perhaps even suggesting that she views herself as in competition with her dad for the speaker's affection. The final stanza, I had hoped, would reveal the internal conflict of the speaker who feels physical attraction for the girl, but at the same time empathy for her father. I'm not sure how I can make that clearer without stating the emotions of the characters outright, which is something I don't want to do. I want the emotions to be revealed indirectly, through their actions as well as what they say and don’t say. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

As far as the punctuation goes, there is actually some punctuation in this poem, but it’s not very much. I don’t think punctuation is unnecessary. In fact when it comes to writing with a specific poetic form it often becomes a necessity. But with free verse it is different, it more depends on each individual poem. I chose not to use capitalization as well as little punctuation because I wanted to characterize the speaker.

In this poem I was trying to emulate the style of one of my favorite poets, Charles Bukowski, who uses very little punctuation in his poetry. The lack of punctuation in his poems creates a sense of loneliness and isolation for both speaker and reader. And when he does punctuate it feels like a slap in the face. In his famous poem Dinosauria, we for example the only punctuation in the entire poem consists of 2 periods near the end, but the placement of those periods gives the sense that the world has literally come to an end. With that in mind I guess I can write a draft of this poem with punctuation to see how it works, but I’m not sure it’s going to help it. Maybe I’ll just add some punctuation to the parts that need the most emphasis.

Thanks again for your feedback.