Tesseract - Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5:

“You don’t get it..” He said hushed, “It’s 8 o’clock. It should be dark outside..!”

I frowned and looked at his watch. He was right, it was 8 PM.. “Well..” I tried to explain, “It must be broken, then. Don’t you think?” He nodded slowly. “That should be it.” He turned around, and walked away. I shook my head. ‘Did he get so scared because of something like this?’ I snorted. ‘Stupid..’ I turned around, and it was my time to be startled by something in the room. It was a young girl, and she held a little notebook in her hands. She looked at me with big, scared eyes, but I knew, she wasn’t as shocked as I was. The little girl standing in the room was.. me! I blinked a few times, and the girl -me- was gone. Was I just tired? Very tired..? But while I thought of that I heard the door slam. There she was again, standing in a doorway which I hadn’t seen before. Now that I mention it, the door through which I came into the room seemed to have vanished. I shook my head. This had to be a dream of some sort. Noise came from the door again, and I saw a person standing behind the girl - me, I will call her Chime from now on. Chibi from the Japanese word for super deformed, and me from, well.. Me. I shuddered, and memories of a long lost imaginary friend came to mind.

I had called the person ‘Numiat’, and now.. I saw him in real life! Together with Chime. Numiat smiled, “This must be very confusing to you..” and then he made a hand sign, “Let it all be a dream..” I wasn’t even surprised to find myself laying in the huge bed. With a shock I recognized the bed to be standing on the attic, in the same room I saw Chime and Numiat in. The thing was, the attic was dusty, and there weren’t nice carpets laying on the ground. Only dust, and I saw little footprints which were probably mine when I walked into this mysterious room. I looked around, and saw it was raining outside. I couldn’t find ‘the door’ anymore, so I figured it was all just a very realistic dream. I stood up, and walked outside.

I heard someone snoring. Jason was still sound asleep. What a weird dream I had.. I closed the door behind me, and started walking of the stairs. I was dark, since there weren’t any lights, and I was lost in thoughts, so it wasn’t weird that I missed a step, and I fell down. I braced myself for the fall, but I fell onto something soft. Was I caught by someone..? No, Jason wouldn’t do that. That uncaring, selfish bastard wouldn’t even catch the queen when she fell of the stairs! I opened my eyes, and found myself just laying on the ground on a few old looking pillows. Lucky. I heard noise coming from upstairs, and I looked up, thinking it would be Jason. But to my greatest surprise (and shock) it wasn’t Jason at all..!

My first impression was that this was quite short. I'm not sure whether you intend to add more or simply to have many short chapters? Either way it works.
As it's this length I'm going to quote the whole thing in one go, hope you don't mind!

aliepalie wrote:CHAPTER 5:

“You don’t get it..” He said in hushed tone, “It’s 8 o’clock. It should be dark outside..!”

I frowned and looked at his watch. He was rightsemi colon it was 8 PM..
New paragraph“Well..” I tried to explain, “It must be broken, then. Don’t you think?”
New ParagraphHe nodded slowly. “That should be it.” He turned around, and walked away. I shook my head.
New Paragraph‘Did he get so scared because of something like this?’ I snorted. ‘Stupid..’Would shenot think this, rather than say it? I turned around, and it was my turn to be startled by something in the room.
New ParagraphIt was a young girl, and she held a little notebook in her hands. She looked at me with big, scared eyes, but I knew, she wasn’t as shocked as I was. The little girl standing in the room was.. me! I blinked a few times, and the girl -me- was gone. Was I just tired? Very tired..? But while I thought about that I heard the door slam. There she was again, standing in a doorway which I hadn’t seen before. Now that I noticed it, the door through which I came into the room seemed to have vanished. I shook my head. This had to be a dream of some sort. Noise came from the door again, and I saw a person standing behind the girl - me, I will call her Chime from now on. Chibi from the Japanese word for super deformed, and me from, well... Me. Why does the character know Japenese? The reasoning for why she decides to actually name the charatcer is not very well described. Why, for exapmle, did she not just call her mini-me? I shuddered, and memories of a long lost imaginary friend came to mind.

I had called the person ‘Numiat’, and now.. I saw him in real life! Together with Chime. you don't explain that he has just appeared.
New Paragraph[/color]Numiat smiled, “This must be very confusing to you..” and then he made a hand sign, “Let it all be a dream..” I wasn’t even surprised to find myself laying in the huge bed. With a shock I recognized the bed to be standing on the attic, in the same room I saw Chime and Numiat in. The thing was, the attic was dusty, and there weren’t nice carpets laying on the ground. Only dust, and I saw little footprints which were probably mine when I walked into this mysterious room. I looked around, and saw it was raining outside. I couldn’t find ‘the door’ anymore, so I figured it was all just a very realistic dream. I stood up, and walked outside.

I heard someone snoring. Jason was still sound asleep. What a weird dream I had had.. I closed the door behind me, and started walking down/up the stairs. It was dark, since there weren’t any lights, and I was lost in thought, so it wasn’t weird that I missed a step, and I fell down. I braced myself for the fall, but I fell onto something soft. Was I caught by someone..? No, Jason wouldn’t do that. That uncaring, selfish bastard wouldn’t even catch the queen when she fell off the stairs! I opened my eyes, and found myself just laying on the ground on a few old looking pillows. Lucky. I heard noise coming from upstairs, and I looked up, thinking it would be Jason. But to my greatest surprise (and shock) it wasn’t Jason at all..!

Again, very short and in places the structure was strangely written. I think more detail and description is needed at certain points. This would also lengthen the text. I hope this was slightly valuable!! Follow/Pm or write on my wall if you feel the need! Happy Writing!

He said hushed -> He said in a hushed voice/tone.

Why the double dots .. all the time? It’s is a bit confusing for me, the reader.

Three times ‘girl - me’ is a bit too much for me. I think after one- and probably two times the reader will get the idea that the girl is you.

But while I thought of that I heard the door slam. -> But while I was thinking the door slam. Compare I slept when the earthquake hit with, I was sleeping when the earthquake hit. To the reader the door slams and the earthquake hits in the middle of the ‘process’ of thinking and sleeping.

Agreeing with the previous reviewer, the sentence ‘Did he get so scared because of something like this?’ I snorted.’ could also be written like, I wondered. Or: I wondered how he could get so scared about something silly like that.
On the other hand a sentence like: “That makes me so happy”, he farted, sounds great. Doesn't it?

But seriously, a very good story and I keep looking forward to the next chapter!

Bye Raoden

The others have given you great comments, since I'm not to good at that kind of stuff I suggest you listen to them. You a really churning out theses chapters quite fast! I like how the story line is going so far, not to complex but it still makes you wonder what is going to happen next.

Some issues the last paragraph i feel was meant to be full of suspense with a cliff hanger at the end. You didn't really achieve this. Her tone is to light, to bouncy and nice for this. Try to cut back on the thoughts about Jason, make it pure action and suspense, heart beating confusion that type of stuff.

But to my greatest surprise (and shock) it wasn’t Jason at all..!

I don't like the '...!' and the use of brackets when commas would have sufficed.

The Japanese part was confusing, so was the imaginary friend part but i understood it in the end. You could defiantly lengthen everything, more action, more suspense, more time creating a dark atmosphere would be good.

Great work!

Very good job so far. It's interesting and I honestly have no idea what's going to happen next. I like the little twists you've put into the plot. It's been keeping me on my toes so far. I think you could maybe combine some chapters or just make them a bit longer because they end kind of abruptly. But otherwise it's super good.

Wow. All I can say is Wow. It puts a definite twist into the story. It leaves the reader wondering if it really was a dream...

I was a bit confused by this chapter. I mean, I know it's supposed to be sort of confusing, but I wasn't really able to follow the events at all. It just sort of hopped around and in a way that wasn't the "not sure if it's a dream or not" thing, but just plain confused. At what point was it supposed to have been a dream? Why isn't she confused to find herself in the attic? How was she able to walk out of the attic when there apparently isn't a door?

Did Jason see something too? Did he go to sleep on his own? Where is he asleep at that she can hear him snoring? So many questions and it just blows by so quickly. I've said it several times already, but it bears repeating: Slow down. Take the time to describe actions. Is she sneaking around the house cautiously or is she just galumphing about?

Again with the obliviousness. I would have been freaked out beyond belief at this point, but the character doesn't really seem to notice. I've pretty much lost interest in her. She's in the midst of this scary situation and still all she can do is think about how much of a jerk Jason is when we haven't even seen him be that jerky. The only thing that keeps the reader going at this point is some sort of vague curiousity about what is going on, rather than any real investment in the characters' well-being.

I don't mean to be harsh, but we need the characters to be at least a little sympathetic for us to feel any real sort of shock or horror at what's going on.

Chapter six?

~GryphonFledgling