Princess SpongeBob

Author's Note: This for Snoink's Bad writing Contest.



Once upon a time-- no. Let's not start my awesome story like that. It's cliché and I hate cliché things. Even small cliché things, like for example, my best friend wears this white puffed sleeve blouse almost every Wednesday, and I don't even like it- but don't tell her I told you so. And why I don't like it, you say? Because it's cliché! It's an overused idea of hers since her mom gave it to her as a birthday gift back when we she was still four, and I was eight at that time. And you're probably wondering why we have this huge gap in our ages. It's a secret. But anyways, I don't like it but I didn't have a brave soul to confront it to her.


Even though we're very close, I would only tell her secrets when I'm comfortable and confident about it. Like this one instance, when I was celebrating my ninth birthday- and of course she was five- I accidentally stepped on a very small orange insect. It was an ant, I think. So I cried because of it and I didn't tell her 'cause she might report me to the police authority and have me jailed. Oh, the poor thing!


Oh my, it seemed like I have been rambling all this time.


That I think was the prologue.


Ladies and gentlemen, this is not going to be my story, it's going to be someone else's.


Do you want to know? or you already know?



Clue? You want to guess? Alright.



That person can be found in the kitchen, or in the ocean and even in a castle!




Yes, you're correct. You just won one hundred... cents. Can I give it to you tomorrow? I forgot my wallet. Er, I left it in my limo. Don't believe me? Fine. I have two of them, stuck in a place where horses have thorns and you can create cotton candy out of the clouds in the sky.



So this is about SpongeBob, my best friend.


A kind of person who loves yellow and has this funny gap between her two front teeth, that when she's in the water, a strand of seaweed would get stuck between there. Now, don't laugh. I find it cute actually and that's one of the reasons why I like her as my best friend. She's very beautiful because she has a complete set of Braille alphabets on her fair face. And remember how she wears this blouse that I hate? It even comes with a long black tie!


I'll give you a random fact. She has Einstein intelligence. She raises her hand every time the teachers ask the class the questions, why, who, when, how, what and to mention, explain, verify and solve. She also loves sports especially taekwondo and of course, swimming! With her water ability, she has saved me from the dark monster named Kankredor. And you know the best thing about that? She killed him with her own fist and cuteness. Yes, Kankredor's weakness is beauty. SpongeBob killed him when she was five, and because she's very cute, Kankredor died.


What you're confused? She's still a kid, eh? Don't underestimate my best friend. She's small but terrible!


So now, you know about her.


The main conflict of her almost perfect life is that she's an orphan. Her father died during World War One and a Half. You didn't hear about that? You should study History more. Pssh.


And now, she lives with her ugly stepmother and her two ugly stepsisters in a castle that looked like Disney's. Even at the age of three, she started cooking her own pancakes. And because her step family was so rude, she got locked in a dungeon, but of course, she always have this purple dragon named Barney as her little company in her dark cold room.


And so, there was this one time, her step family went out for shopping and my dear SpongeBob was doing household chores. What can I say? She's like the beautiful girl on Ella Enchanted who has been a very obedient girl. Unfortunately, there was a robber, but fortunately her cuteness killed the robber. And yes, she won!


When her step family heard the news, they started loving her as if she was the most precious thing in the whole world.
And they all lived happily ever after.


ugh. Again, that was a cliche' ending. You know I hate things like that---


What?


Okay, I'll stop now.


Bye. Ah... yes, goodbye.

Spoiler

I can't even say anything about this story. Even though I wrote this in two hours, I still couldn't believe I've written a story like this.

Hi Yuri!

Okay. That was... um... pretty bad. >.< This is a new experience for me, to review something that's trying to be bad! So first of all I'm going to say what I dislike about this, and then I'll tell you the parts that I do like and how you should make them worse. This should be interesting.

So firstly, this is not really a story. It just goes around in circles--where it ends isn't really much different from where it started and it doesn't really do anything interesting in between. Gooderm, I mean bad job with that! >.< It was rambling and pointless and kind of stupid without being boring to read (I think that's what Snoink wants, so that's a bonus). Also... um, what's up with the SpongeBob lady? Is she really named SpongeBob? And does she really live in a castle and is she really an orphan (such a cliché character flaw!)? Did she actually kill people with her cteness? O.o I have no idea, because the narrator makes no sense. Honestly, I don't even get what the point of the piece was--is it meant to introduce Princess SpongeBob or tell a story? 'Cause it didn't really do either of them all that well. There's also a lot of telling going on in this piece, and very little showing. It's sort of one big info-dump... except that it doesn't actually say anything. Honestly, after reading it I hardly remembered any of it and I have to keep looking back over it while I'm writing this review so I don't forget it completely--it's not very memorable.

I think the major flaw with this (that is, the part that I liked the most) was the narrator. I think you're trying to make her a bad narrator so that it's a bad story... but I actually kind of like her. She feels a little bit like a mentally retarded preschooler, but she's quirky and unique. Because of her unusual voice, the piece ends up being more about her than it is about Princess SpongeBob. Now, maybe that's what you're going for. Maybe you thought it would make it a "bad" story if you did that... but I think it actually did the opposite. For example, look at this photograph. You could say "It's out of focus, and that makes it a bad photograph!" but that's really not true at all... the fact that it's focused on the bubbles rather than the kid is the only cool thing about the photo. Your piece is sort of like that. The fact that you're focusing on the narrator (who's actually kind of an interesting character) takes away from the Princess (who's not such an interesting character) and therefore makes the whole piece a little less bad. Also, (as with the photo) the focus is unconventional, which makes it interesting. Having a character tell about another character and in so doing really just introduce herself is kind of a neat twist. You don't want neat. You want bad.

Also, because the narrator is such a huge part of this and she doesn't really seem mentally well, I'm led to think that Princess SpongeBob isn't actually how the narrator describes her--I'm lead to think that what I just read is so biased that that Princess is actually some normal kid and the narrator just has a huge imagination. But the problem is, that makes the story better, because it's sort of like seeing into this narrator-girl's head. You have something really stupid and cliché and just plain bad in the Princess character, so I think you should focus on her rather than the unique, interesting and fun narrator. ^_~ (Gosh, this is such a fun review to write!)

Plus, right now the fact that the whole piece is telling rather than showing isn't really very obvious because it feels like a story that's being told orally. Oral-style short stories have their place, and I have read some really excellent ones so I don't think you want to do that here. May I even suggest putting the whole thing into third person? Well, maybe not. But I'd like to see a lot more attention to that awful Princess and a lot less on your cool narrator.

Oh, and the end? The returning theme of the clichés? I like that. >.< I thought it was kind of cute and funny, and it tied back with the beginning elegantly. Too elegantly. You don't want to be elegant, do you? You want to be awkward and clumsy and... bad. You don't want there to be anything good about the piece. You want to be random--not random in a funny way (because funny is a good thing) but random in a way that just doesn't make any sense. So I suggest doing something different with either the end or the beginning because I don't think there should be that nice (which is another way of saying good) little connection.

Overall, you did pretty well with making a piece that was just kind of head-scratching. I mean, it didn't really go anywhere or accomplish anything and it certainly was not memorable... in fact, the only thing I really remember about it is the narrator. That's why she's got to go, I think. She's a positive aspect to the piece and will therefore hurt your chances in the contest, methinks. You've sort of hit for the "there's nothing worse than mediocrity" idea, I think... but I'm not sure that holds true here. Personally, I think you should push the envelope and make this even worse--maybe try and put into it all the elements of other peoples' writing that annoy you. >.< Basically, this was a pretty bad piece, but I wasn't really cringing or anything when I was reading it. I see a lot of potential here, though, and I think that with just a little work this could very easily be one of the worst things I've ever read!

Wow that was a fun review... I'm afraid it might be even worse than your piece, though. I'm not sure anything I said will help at all--but I hope it does!

Let me know if you have any questions/comments/concerns etc., and I'm sorry if I insulted you by pointing out all those good aspects! ^_^

a

P.S. I'm moving this to General Fiction Short Stories, because (as far as I know, anyway) it's not a novel. If you want me to move it again just let me know. ^_~

Pfft! I hope it's not a novel! I do have to judge the bad writing. xD

So the madness begins!

And it's Einstein! Einstein! *twitches*

....

That's pretty much all to be said.

Snoink's right, though; while the story is blatantly terrible, the narrator has a child-like innocence that I do enjoy. Even though the story went in circles never getting anywhere, it was still an enjoyable read.

Even though being cliche is the whole part of the story, the whole thing WAS cliche. Your narrator says it herself that they hate cliche things, and can't stand them (while using rather painful personal pronouns, if I might add), but everything about this piece was cliche of a young writer who is just starting out. Spongebob, good but vague detail, going off in tangents, Disney references, trying to distract the reader... I've seen it all before. Which I guess it the point; it just works too well for a bad story. It's almost...cute.

So A+ for third grade level writing!

Taylor

Hi Yurii! So, since the contest is officially closed, I am reviewing the entries that were posted on the literary forums.

The thing about this story is that it's not actually a story. So, while it talks about characters and has a bit of personality to draw you in at the beginning, nothing really happens in here. Well... something does, I guess. But the story itself isn't really drawn out. It's not the story that is bad (which is kind of what I was hoping for) but rather the style was wrong, as there was no story.

So next time! Think: soap opera. That has a story, but wow. The quality of a soap opera is a bit underwhelming.