Land of the Free

While I'm a Brit, I've spent a lot of time in America- my family spends the summer holiday there. Here's a free verse poem I wrote about how corrupted I find it to be. OBVIOUSLY, I have nothing against Americans. I just have a problem with many aspects of American society. And note that everything in this poem is intentionally punctuated.
______________________________________


Welcome to the land of the free,
(faggot)
where the girls are beautiful and the boys are
(killers)
lovely as the dawn; or the colours
(white, white, white)
red white and blue. The home of the brave.
(out of sight, out of mind)
The pride of the
(money makes the)
world. go around, boy.


this land is yours

Hi!

If you want to write a poem about why you don't like America, that's fine, but just be prepared to back it up. As poetry, this falls short because you don't exactly present any images or add any substance -- we're just supposed to figure out what the words mean. I'm not trying to say that I live in a perfect country. I recognize that are a lot of things wrong with our government, and I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. But another problem I have is that this generalizes too much -- we're not all like this. Every country has their fair share of good things and bad things. Right now, you're reaching out to everyone who isn't American. If you expand on this a bit more, you can make this a poem that really reaches out to the problems all of us recognize are occurring and together it can be a poem everyone can relate to and appreciate.

Let me address some of your individual points and then I'll sum up how you can do this as a whole --

(white, white, white)

The truth is, while a lot of people in the US are racist there are also a lot that aren't. We all pretty much have equal rights, or at least are supposed to. There is still a lot of unfair treatment, but you need to go into more a bit more detail about that and what exactly you've noticed. You make it seem as though whites are put above everyone else, and although this used to be true, it really isn't any more. We still have leaps to make, though -- I would mention something about the fact that although progress has been made, there is still more to be done.

(money makes the)

What are you trying to say? That we shouldn't put as much importance as money? Like it or not, money drives or society. It drives any society. Without money, things would collapse. There are people who are rich. Many of them worked hard for their money, started in the basements of their parents or as penniless college students. While there is a high amount of poverty, things are being done to help them. There will always be the unemployed, the impoverished.

As for your other points that you make, I'm not quite sure what you mean by them. Embellish on these thoughts, and it will be easier for me to discuss them with you. Basically, the key here is expanding on the points that you've made. Deepen your imagery. Instead of trying to tackle all of the issues presented here, pick one or two that you feel to be the most important. Here's where you can get creative. How are you going to present this? In free verse? A sonnet? An acrostic? You could even write a narrative poem -- for example, maybe you have an immigrant coming here in search of the American dream, only to realize that we're not all what we seem to be.

When you revise, maybe you could talk to some Americans (I'm always happy if you need me ) and ask what we don't like about the way the country is run. Also, I would keep in mind that nothing is in black and white -- everything is dynamic. Maybe you can talk about the good being overshadowed by the bad. You've had to have fun some of the time you were in America, right? I think, after some revisions, you can make this into a well-rounded work of art that every one will be able to appreciate.

I hope this helps, and I hope I didn't come across too harshly. Hope this helps, and feel free to leave me a note if you need anything further!

~ Elinor

Thanks. Of course, I realise this was a harsh generalization of America. I didn't mean any offense to your American people. I was just generalising how some- not all, not most, not many, but just some- people act, and how much of society is corrupted. Like most free verse poems,The spacing and punctuation must really be analysed to be understood.

This poem was really more of an attack on the racist skinheads who claim to be patriotic that I've met. Of course, for every one of them, there are a good 100 lovely, charming, and polite Americans.

But I agree, this poem needs expansion to get my point across. Thank you for making those very legitimate points!

I'll have to do a lot of rewriting .

-Tori

i think this was good, (americans dont kill me)
because it was sincere and although it was kinda talking about the minority of the population
i think you expressed your thoughts really good (:

Hey, I'm not American so personally I wasn't really offended by this poem. This is a poem not an essay no back up is needed, poems are here to express anything the writer wants them to. I quite like what you did how it worked without the it worked with or without the inserts. I think your saying something very important about society in general ( not just American )that behind the friendly smiles there is something dark. That there is still inequality behind the guise of equality. We have the same problems in Australia.

American need to understand they stand for all of this. The American flag is a symbol of capitalism, freedom and western society. The will stand for all that is good and all that is bad. It's not an attack on you but a reflection on society in general, a society that American represents, a i believe likes to represent.

lovely as the dawn;

Everything in your poem has American symbolism and meanings
this line really is a bit of a let down. It's good but not up to scratch with he rest.

go around, boy.

Feels like it was put there on purpose just so the money part could fit. Maybe try something else.

Your poem actually inspired me to write a poem. I put a like to yours if that's okay. It's really nothing like your your poem any way.

This was very....I guess the best word to use would probably be honest. I like how it speaks to me. It's easy to relate to, well to understand anyway. I think that this has very raw emotion barely contained. I like, well I can't say like, but I understand what your saying. I guess all that I'm trying to say is that the concept was easy to see. I like this. It was very good.

Thank you all very much!

Hmm...first of all I did like the poem as a work of poetry, though...maybe you should spend more time in America that isn't spent on "holiday" before you actually form an opinion.

Welcome to the land of the free,
(faggot) #FF0000 ">this is true
where the girls are beautiful and the boys are
(killers) #FF0000 ">?
lovely as the dawn; or the colours
(white, white, white) #FF0000 ">our President is black, and have you ever watched an episode of MTV cribs? liberal Europeans
red white and blue.
The home of the brave.
(out of sight, out of mind) #FF0000 ">again ?
The pride of the
(money makes the) #FF0000 ">most Americans could give a shit about money, its the top 5% that steal from everybody and cause the problemsworld. go around, boy. capitalize "go"-you capitalize after a period


this land is yours thanks so much.

#FF0000 ">I actually did like the poem, and it's a good idea, but you should study the real ironics of America, like the co-opting of the American dream and the spoiling of it-or how if it wasn't for Americans about 70 years ago the British might be speaking German right now and wearing brown uniforms...

Again, I liked the poem, I just get really sick of the reception this country gets around the world when we do things like give a billion dollars to Haiti (when we have no money to give) while the rest of the world combined gives another billion dollars.

Liked the poem though-thanks for not mentioning Bush, that must've been hard.

Hello again, got an idea, maybe for the first line you could say-

Welcome to the land of the free
(don't ask, don't tell)

You know, just something a little more relevant, Im going to shut up now.

Thank you! Well, the use of the word "faggot" was to symbolise the extreme homophobia I've encountered in America, and how gay rights aren't what they should be. I put it there really to get that point across. And all my capitalization or lack thereof was intentional. When analysed, it would make sense.

But thank you for your suggestions. I realise, of course that this is a huge generalization and there's much I don't know about America. I realise that most of the people there are lovely, and the country itself has many, many excellent aspects. I mean, just look at you American YWSers! I love you all dearly. I'll take everything you said into consideration, though. Thanks!

I would review this, but you need more. I really couldn't careless about the subject matter, I slander my country's name because of its hypocrisy and the people at the top that are all too happy to sell everyone down low to the highest, regardless of ideology or party affiliation. As of now though, this is a trite, brisk, derogatory utterance that lacks artistic flourish.

Now mind you, I don't think it's hurtful (other may, great!). It's an attempt at art and art is not always nice, heck no, it's supposed to put you on edge and it's supposed to open your mind. How? Not up to me to say. You can't define art. But, I can tell you this is not it. It's an exercise if anything, but not a complete draft even. I encourage you to finish this and contact me in the future as I love satire and criticism in work.

FWIW, I love cuss words and explicitness in art.

Thank you! I'll PM you if I ever get a chance/ the motivation to expand on this.

I'm from America and i actually like this. It has great emotion and it does frame america. Even thiugh we have a black president doesn't mean we like him. I like it.

Thanks!

To Misstoria who said 'Just because we have a black president, doesn't mean we like him':

Hon, speak for yourself. He wouldn't have won the vote if he wasn't liked.

~Jas