Midnight Dance

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NOTE: This is very...abstract. Very abstract. And it's also for Azila and canislupis' contest, which is why you (yes, you there. No, not him, YOU) must rip it to shreds. If you like, take a single line and rip that to shreds. It's not even very long anyway, so you may as well review the piece. Just give me something to work on.


Midnight Dance




Of life I am not very certain; of life I know not much. But of death one thing I am sure; we must all travel the road alone.
-Anonymous


The tall grass brushes against my skin; across my face and my bare limbs. The ground is cold and firm underneath me, and if I listen I can almost hear the little ants moving inside it, I can feel those that have surfaced crawling over the backs of my hands. The feeling sends small shocks shooting up my arm. Crickets chirp around me. The grass whistles in the chilly wind and rustles at the movement of a small animal.

Not far away, I can hear the roar of the rushing river. I don’t know why I come here. It is over, finished. We are safe.

But I return every night. And when I stay and listen, listen hard, listen as if my life depended on it I hear not the night-birds chirping, not the gurgling of the river, not the life in the earth and around me. Instead I hear that ghost-song, that beautiful music which filled my ears a fortnight ago and filled me with a longing I’d never known. I hear the loud sound of other children clapping in a rhythmic beat, I feel the shudder of the earth as they stamp their feet in a midnight dance. Their singing drowns out the other sounds as it reaches a height of perfect harmony, and then fades under the improved beat of the dancing, of the clapping. And they sing. They sing of the Piper, of the mountains. They sing of cold earth and white snow, of bare feet and the falling sun. They sing of Him, for Him.

And at times, when these memories return, I too want to sing. I want to clap, to dance. I want to throw away my life, my loves, and throw myself into the depths of the roaring water of the Weser, to join the beauty of the Piper’s song.

Sometimes.

I’m not the only one. There’s the girl, too, the deaf girl. I know she is nearby, and I know she remembers the same as I do. That she wants the same as I do. Because neither of us will ever forget, not the events of that night. And neither of us will ever be the same.

I stand up, and amble over to where I know she is. With each step I dig my toes deep into the earth; I can feel it getting softer as I move closer to the roaring water. I feel how it shakes the Earth, but I feel too the girl’s agitation. Is the memory stronger for her? Maybe she dances already, losing the fight against temptation. And as she dances, she stares into the depths of the water...

Can she see the others?

I reach out for her hand, and when I find it, I feel its calluses, its wrinkles. Her mother is a milkmaid. She helps often.

Does she look at me, I wonder? Does she speak? But what would be the point, what would be the point when she cannot hear her own words?

She moves her hand, pulling mine down with it. She pulls so that I am kneeling, so that I know she is kneeling, and she moves our hands so that the spray of the water hits our bare skin like grains of sand.

If only…

We both long for that sweet, sweet music. And I know that if we waited, we would hear it again once more, one day when our bodies are hunched over and our bones brittle. But I can’t wait that long and, I think, neither can she.

I grip her hand too, and plunge the both of them in the water. The cold bites at my skin and cools my blood, but it refreshes me also as it rushes against my hand. It makes me alive, and I laugh even though my voice is lost in the wind and the roar of the river.

The girl doesn’t laugh, but she smiles; I feel the curve of her lips with my right hand. They are rough and cut in places, unlike her cheek which is smoother. Her forehead is bruised, and her hair—

She takes my hand, and replaces it on the ground.

My other hand is numb with the cold of the rushing water and the grasp of hers, and releasing it from the contact of both I stand up, wobbling only slightly. I also realise that I am still laughing, and something tells me that the girl is still smiling. She uses me to stand up and then we walk over the soft earth, hands wet and held together again.

And we dance. We stretch our toes and dig them into the cold ground, and then we start to skip to the left, to the right. I swing my free arm, and I sing a song that has no words. The both of us twist and we turn; she lets go of my hands and starts to clap to the beat of my song. With each thump my heart beats faster; with each twist my frenzy increases.

I think I can hear it. I think I can hear the sweet music, above my singing—almost screaming, now—and above the girl’s clapping; it floats to me on the wind, in the roar of the river. I can hear the calling. And I long for the Piper.

From nowhere, the voices of nightingales join mine, and the wind blows harsh, bringing the smells of jasmine and myrrh to my nose. From somewhere distant I hear the blare of trumpets, and the ground shudders with the stamping of a thousand ghostly feet.

And I run.

I run blind—I don’t let my toes feel the earth, but lightly skip over it. I don’t care for the grass against my feet, for the wind against my skin, for the biting cold. I care nothing for these things, and my only wish is to be free of them, to find the Piper. And yet, and yet—

Where is the girl?

The song of the nightingales, the scents of the wind, the trumpets and the stamping and clapping cease. The night is silent. But the river rushes and roars, and as I step closer, closer, I see a ripple on the surface. A pale hand. And nothing.

And then a hand is on my shoulder, and as the scents return, as the music resumes, as the ground shudders once more, I see the Piper’s face, and hear his song, and the ground is no longer beneath my feet.

The water is cold as I shatter its surface, as I plunge into the depths below.
Last edited by Tigersprite on Mon May 02, 2011 11:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
"A superman ... is, on account of certain superior qualities inherent in him, exempted from the ordinary laws which govern men. He is not liable for anything he may do."
Nathan Leopold




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Tense, mysterious and well written. I like the style. Questioning the reader throughout.
This is a particular style I myself enjoy writing and therefore appreciate how you structure and executed the piece.
Definitely something I would pick up in a book store!
Memories lost in time,
like teardrops in the rain.




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Hey there Spite!

I know, it's been forever since we've talked. Hopefully this review will give us that extra push. It's my fault really, I'm terrible at keeping up with things. -.-
Anyway, this isn't about our 'relationship' it's about your piece, which I must say - I did like.
However, I think that there is always something that can be improved on at some point so I'll let you know my thoughts on this. I will not hold back, hmkay? :3 Well, maybe a little - since I like you. xD

Okay, firstly I like to take a look at the introduction. I thought it was rather nice and you did do a decent job building up some nice imagery and emotion through it. I always enjoy reading your short stories so I was actually quite excited when you wanted me to review something for you. xD

However, there were a few descriptions that didn't make much sense to me. . .
The feeling sends small shocks shooting up my arm.

I don't understand how this feeling sends shocks up an arm, like that. :/
I don’t know why I come here. It is over, finished. We are safe.

After reading the whole story, I'm not sure what you mean here when you mentioned that he is safe or what is finished.
I'm trying to think that something must've happened to him to cause this disability and that he thinks he safe from whatever the cause was but it's still a bit hard to understand. Perhaps I'm missing something or is there something in which you forgot to say about this in particular?
not the gurgling of the river,

Gurgling river? Gurgling = when you gurgle water after brushing your teeth? Sounds like an odd sound for a river to make in my opinion.

Anyway, those were just a few things that caught my attention. There are a few more but I'm thinking that because this is an abstract pieces, you decided to use some different type of imagery or description to match but I thought that it worked in some area but didn't work in other areas. Try to re-read some of the sentences you have and see what you can do to make it seem more 'real' I guess. I'm not sure how to put this in words so I apologize for that. >.< If you need a better explanation, just let me know and I'll try...but I'm not promising the best answer. I'll probably write you back a huge PM explaining one thing, I always tend to do that. XD

Even with all that, I did enjoy some of the description you had going. It was different and although it was a little bit shaky and it seemed like it was somewhat difficult for you to write this for some reason, I mean it was a little different, I guess. :/ lol But! It was good, sometimes the 'hearing' part about it got old and I became bored with just the 'hearing' sense that you had going but it wasn't bad. Good job, Sprite. ^__^

I'm guessing it's because the man is blind, right? So writing the imagery for this would be harder and the sight sense would be left out meaning it would be hard to create a picture that the reader will be able to see. This caused some confusion for me in the middle of the piece with the girl. I was trying to imagine the setting and the place with just the description but there were times where I felt like I was imaging it all wrong and since it was written differently, abstractly, it made me doubt myself even more. So, try to be careful with that.

Also, how does he know her forehead is bruised? Can you feel bruised foreheads? I dunno, just a questions. I think you can but then again, it depends - right?

Overall, I did like reading this. I'm more of a fan of your other works but you did a good job with this nonetheless. :3
I think what you really need to look out for is the the fact that you might know what's going on in the story and what the little things mean but it's difficult for the readers to decipher those meanings and find the core of the story through the writing. All in all, it was good but there are still things that I think you could work and tweak up here and there. ^.^

If you have any questions let me know!

All the best,
-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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I'm new here, but I'm going to try my hand at this:

I felt this had some beautifully worded moments, moments where the reader can easily visualize what is happening and what the speaker is feeling. I thought the scene with the girl was touching and the dance scene cute and fun. Your description is consistent and did not feel overwritten at all. Lovely work on that.

However, I did notice that there were some instances of switching tenses. Also, remember to be careful when using the word 'was' in declarative sentences - that signifies 'telling' and not 'showing' and it can also make the flow of the story suffer a bit.

Overall, I see no problems with this story. Entertaining and mysterious. Good job! =)
A dream is a wish your heart makes-


Oh come now - I may be a cat but I most certainly do NOT bite! *mjau*




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I don't even know how I can review this because after reading that, anything I say will sound weak and stupid. Superb, superb writing; I mean, wow. Beautifully told, I was intrigued instantly and actually inspired, I haven't been on yws for maybe years and this is hands down the most enjoyable piece I've ever read here (I'd maybe even say the best but that would probably be politically incorrect or something). I mean the one and only thing I found to comment negatively on is of course a grammatical error in the following sentence:
Tigersprite wrote:The cold bites at my skin and cools my blood, but it refreshes me also as it rushed against my hand.


rushed is past tense and should be rushes. I seriously feel like an idiot for even telling you that, your story was so good it makes any grammar mistake seem inconsequential. Pardon me for gushing right now I'm just, I just really loved it. But maybe you could tell me one thing--I was a little confused about the main character in that, I got the impression he (she?) was blind, actually I'm almost positive because --really lovely descriptions, too, btw-- but the way everything thing was
described I believe leaves the reader thinking that the person is blind, but at the end you speak of sight, of seeing a ripple, a hand in the water, and it's the first time you use this sense through the character so it left me with the conclusion that he either died (because, in my brain, that's the only way he could see again) or was dying the whole time and finally "made the plunge" so-to-speak? I mean, you're right it's definitely really abstract, it kind of has to be, I think, but as a writer I know it's interesting to hear what an individual reader will take from a piece written in such fashion, so, I don't know the best I can do is just share on that point, even though I am still unclear about certain things; such as, Who is the Piper? God? Where does the music come from? At first I thought maybe it was the deaf girl singing the whole time? But overall what I took from it is, this [blind?] boy (girl? still unsure on that point, too) and this deaf girl died two weeks ago--that's the terrible event that happened, n'est-ce pas? and they've both just kind of been hanging out in some in-between world, all while other children? or angels? are basically calling to them, singing to them to let go. and finally, the boy does. and I talk way too much and the way I put that still doesn't really do it justice but, that's what I surmised. and it'd be pretty cool if you could mention if I'm at least close to what you envisioned, I'm fascinated by what abstract writers are really aiming at.

anyway. my bad on the babbling but, seriously--excellent, excellent, excellent story.




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Tiger! I love this piece. I really do. I actually love it even more each time I read it and the more I think about it--which means that I love it more now than I did while I was judging the contest. It doesn't matter, because you got first place anyway, but... yeah. I like this story. A lot. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to come up with much that you should change about this piece, but at least allow me to ramble on about why I like it, okay?

There are a few little awkwardnesses here and there, but I'm not going to bother pointing them out because they're just so small. Well, okay, I can't resist myself on this one:
We both long for that sweet, sweet music. And I know that if we waited, we would hear it again

once more, one day when our bodies are hunched over and our bones brittle. But I can’t wait that long and, I think, neither can she.
What's going on here? Is this supposed to be one sentence? Is there supposed to be a period after "again" and a capital O in "once?" I'm not sure how to read this. I think it's probably just a typo, though.

All in all, your wording is (as always!) absolutely gorgeous. I know I've told you this [insert number of times I've given you a review] times, but you really have a lovely way with words. It is lyrical and eloquent and poetic, but it is still so easy to read. It flows magnificently. In this piece, you have done a marvelous job of describing completely sans visual clues (except in the very end), and for that I applaud you with all my might. That was actually the original idea of the contest--to get people to describe without using sight. Then we changed it to be more broad because we thought nobody would enter. But even by the new goal of the contest (to write about someone whose way of life is changed by their disability), you have done an excellent job. Disabilities are always seen as things that stop people from doing things that other people can do easily... not being able to do things that the "normal" people around them do. So the fact that here you've written about children not being able to die like their friends did is chilling and beautiful and... really cool.

On that note, I'd like to talk about the whole death thing. Of course, the Pied piper represents death. He dances and sings children to death. But the main character of your story couldn't see his dancing and the girl couldn't hear his singing, so they didn't experience his effect fully. Meaning, of course, that they didn't die. What RiaBaby said about the half-world is really intriguing. I hadn't thought of that. I'd thought that they were just stuck on earth, wanting to die... but maybe that is a half-world. Maybe to want to die is to be half-dead? There are so many ponder-able things in this story. I love it.

One thing that I'd like to talk about is the abstractness. I love abstraction. And I think it works beautifully in this piece--for the most part. See, for the most part this piece has a lovely, vague, blind feel to it, but there are times where I got a little confused, especially the first few times I read it. I think these times are when you try to be concrete. Basically, I know it's paradoxical but when you try to be less vague is when it gets confusing. When you add in details. For example: the river. I know water (especially in river-form) is a very common symbol associated with death, so for that I like it... but I still think it complicates things unnecessarily. From what I gather, the children all died from jumping in the river--is that right? But in my opinion, that adds an un-called-for element of specificity to the whole thing. I know that in some versions of the story, the Pied Piper is supposed to have lured children into drowning themselves, but I still felt a little surprised by how concrete it all was. You even said the river's name, even though you didn't say the girl's name, or whether or not the blind kid is a boy or a girl, let alone his/her name. I like the river as an idea, but it seems a little odd to say that the children both were danced to death and jumped/fell into the river. Do you know what I mean? On the one hand, I like it a lot because it symbolizes death and the passing of souls and all that, but I just feel like it's a little out of place because it's so completely not-vague. I hope that made some sense.

The other part that I found confusing was the part right at the end where the main character (he?) can see. I like the idea of him gaining sight in the split-moments before death, because it sort of implies that once he is dead he will be like all the other children, which is what he wants. And there is also a certain bitter irony to it. But at the same time I'm not exactly sure what was going on. I think the reason I'm confused by it is the boy's reaction. I assume, when reading this, that he's been blind his whole life. I guess I might be wrong about that, but in any case he seems very used to not being able to see. So wouldn't he be a bit more surprised when all of a sudden he has sight? It just feels like he took it for granted. He kept on using imagery in the same way, only now he was using sight instead of other senses. Wouldn't seeing be strange to him? Wouldn't he be at a loss for how to describe it, or at least surprised by it? You added in a huge event (a blind person gaining sight) but wrote about it in such a belittling way that I didn't even realize it had happed until the second time I read the story. So I suggest you either take that out or put a lot more emphasis on it.

Lastly, I'm not sure about the quote. I don't really have anything against it, but I'm just not all that sure of what purpose it's serving. What does it accomplish? Your own writing is a thousand times more eloquent than that quote. Are you trying to make the story less vague with it? Trying to let people know that it's a story about dieing? Personally, I think you should let it be vague. Once again, trying to make it more specific kind of made it more confusing--to me, anyway. It's jarring because the style of it stands out from the rest of the piece, and I'm not even all that sure it fits very well. I mean, the blind boy (at least I'm guessing he's a boy) and deaf girl don't "walk the road alone" at all--they've got each other. Maybe that's the point? That because of their "handicaps" they don't have to be lonely? I'm not sure. It's a little confuzzling.

All in all, Tiger, I think this is probably my favorite piece from you so far. Each time I read it, I like it more and more, and I love pondering the different levels of it. Thank you so much for entering the contest and congratulations on writing something so deserving of first place! I'm sorry I've taken so long getting this review to you, but I had a lot of contest reviews to give out... and I was saving yours for last. ^_^ You've earned ten prize reviews, I think, so feel free to ask canislupis and/or me for reviews whenever you feel like it! I'd review anything of yours anyway, but... oh well.

Lovely job, my friend! I hope this review helps somewhat. Let me know if you've got questions or comments or concerns or conniptions or anything like that. ^_^

Keep on keepin' on!
a




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Amazing. That's what i'm telling you. Although it seemed weird at some parts but it was pretty good. Too much details at some parts but that could be reworked...Keep on writing more
When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you -Friedrich Nietzsche




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Hi! First of all, sorry this took so long--internet connection (and computer access!) is a bit hard to come by here. Anyway, Azila has already said much of what I would have mentioned; while I haven't read as much of your work, I think this would be my favorite if I had. Your idea is very creative, and like she said, I like the abstractness. For me, one of the most important things when I read prose is the mood. It's the same when I write as well; I always try to keep a specific feeling or atitude during the whole piece. You definitely had that here, and you nailed it. The feeling of emotion coming through was very powerful and I was completely absorbed through the whole thing.

Prose wise, however, I'm going to have to disagree with Azila--I think there were several times when your word choices were too vague. I love the dreamyness, and like I said, being abstract isn't bad, but especially since you only have four senses to work with, it could have been a lot clearer. You can only go so far before we have no idea what you're talking about. For example, here:

The feeling sends small shocks shooting up my arm.


How, exactly, do ants make shocks? Also, isn't shocking a feeling? How is the feeling sending the shocks?

Or, here:

From nowhere, the voices of nightingales join mine, and the wind blows harsh, bringing the smells of jasmine and myrrh to my nose.


You have so many opportunities to really develop her senses here--this feels almost bland. Also, I could be confused (and this isn't really related) but doesn't the orgininal story take place in France or Germany? What's with the jasmine--is that meant to be a reference to something exotic and unusual?

Also, I noticed punctuation errors in the first two sentences:

The tall grass brushes against my skin; across my face and my bare limbs. The ground is cold and firm underneath me, and if I listen I can almost hear the little ants moving inside it, I can feel those that have surfaced crawling over the backs of my hands.


In the first the second clause isn't complete; you need a comma. In the second it's a run-on--the second comma should be a period.

My second issue was with the transition from blindness to being able to see--I think it might be good to spend some more time on it and develop it a bit more, or we almost don't notice. I'd also like some more explanation of how the others disappeared--right now all we have are vague mentions of dancing feet that don't really give a clear picture. In fact, some more development there might make the ending more powerful, since we'd really understand what the two disabled children are doing. There's a lot of emotional potential here--they are the only ones who escaped, and yet they'd give anything to join the others.

Lastly, I'm bit confused about why they heard the song the second time. Is it because they started dancing? Why a fortnight later? Where did she go? Like Pink said--you may want to tweak things a little to make them clearer. I like trying to figure out what you're saying, but I definitely did't get it until a few readings.

Ok, I'm not sure how helpful this was, but I really did enjoy reading this and look forward to reading your future works. Let us know when you want the reviews. ;) Good luck with revision, and as usual, PM me with questions, comments, blah blah...

See you!

Lupis




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Hi, I think this a really amazing piece of writing and that its the same type of writing I like to do sometimes also. This is something I would sit down and read in a book store! Or recommended to other people to read. It's very descriptive and very interesting, just a few minor details that seemed a bit confusing, but I was able to get back on board and under stand. Really good, Keep writing!
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.
Benjamin Franklin




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My favourite thing about this piece? The description. You made the images so vivid and clear in my mind that it was extremely enjoyable to read. Keep us this sort of writing, you've got skills. :)




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I have no criticisms. It is perfect. Hopefully the judges will be as able to see it from the angle us writers do.
Bad souls have born better sons, better souls born worse ones -St Vincent




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I've only just joined, so still new at this...your's is actually one of the first pieces i've read.
I loved it. It feels so real, and i adore your style of writing. I noticed you switched tenses a couple of times, but apart from that it's great! xo




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I love the plot of the story and It gives me the shocks. But at the end of the first paragraph It said,
Of a small animal.
What is the small animal? Give us detail and more prospective of whats going on. people want to know the kinds of creatures around you. Whares the setting? The savannah? The everglades? What country, state?Those are the imprtant things to remember when writting a short story. Sorry I was alittle harsh. I love giving people tips on what they should do. But on the other parts It was great.

~Pixie2~
All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie-dust!



Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo