Dusk: Chapter 1

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 773
Reviews 12
Chapter 1 - Breaking and Entering

"I am really starting to hate Johnny’s guts right now," I growled bitterly under my breath. "It’s thanks to his ass that I have to do this dare in the first place."

Briana could have shut me up when she had the chance. But no, she would rather watch me stick my whole foot in my mouth. Some best friend she is. And on top of that, she knows that I would rather be anywhere else then in this alley, especially on a Saturday night.

I grunt in a very unlady-like fashion and shivered, as the chilly Santa Ana winds ruffled my black jeans. It was unusual weather for this time of year, damn global warming.

I pulled my, matching black, sweatshirt closer to me and peered down into my bag. Everything seemed to be in order.

Lock picking kit, check.
Mini-Flashlight, check.
Poster, check.
Guts...oops, I must have left them in my other bag. God damn it

“Well,” I thought as I tightened the strap on my black messenger bag. “Here we go”

Then with the speed and grace of a ninja, I took off down the wide cement road of alleyway. I moved like a shadow and to the untrained eye I would have looked like just that, a shadow in the moonlight. Despite my auburn hair, which had escaped the inside of my black beanie, and was now fluttering wildly behind me. But even with the seemingly obvious flaws in my ‘disguise’ I got to the center of the alleyway unnoticed.

The only light here was that of the moon hanging overhead. But at the time, the silver disk was hidden behind a cloud, making it virtually impossible to see anything in the dim light.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone, quickly flipping it open. The artificial light reflected off the brick walls; not only helping me see, but also making the space of the alleyway more eerie than before. The blackened bricks were now painted an ominous gray color in the light. The damp dirt that coating the mortar was a bluish silver, and dripped slowly down the wall. Like blood sliding down stone.

This thought made my heart hammer quickly against my chest, and it took every ounce of willpower for me not to forget the dare and run back to my car. But I held my ground and continued on. The light from my phone dance across the concrete and brick, as I walked further into the dark.

Every alley in Downtown L.A this one had all the ‘amenities’ this one was no exception. Puke green dumpsters, filled to the brim with trash, lined the brick walls. Old moldy boxes that had more holes in them then a block of cheese. And rats. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, as the sounds of their scampering echoed through the alleyway. I was silently praying that this would be over soon, when I saw it.

Blending in almost perfectly with the black wall, and partially hidden by a pile of trash bags, was a dark silver door. It was completely blank, minus a couple of small stickers, and two lines of red text a few inches below a small glass peephole. Two lines that I was actually glad to see.

“The Studio,” it read “Art Gallery and Cafe”

My heart was beating faster than a jackhammer as I walked up and placed my hand against the cool metal. This was it. This was the place.

I slapped my phone closed and shoved it into my bag. At the same time I pulled out my mini-flashlight and lock picking kit. I turned on my flashlight and bit down on the end, shinning the light onto the ground. Then I opened the box holding my tools, this alone took a few minutes, on account of my hands shaking so badly.

It only took me a minute or two to pick out the right tools for the job, I then shoved the box back into my bag and went to work.

There were two locks on the door. The first was a simple knob lock, one that you could get from any home improvement store. Fairly simple to unlock, if you knew how. But it was the second lock that caught my eye. It was a large brass dead bolt style lock, like the ones they use on security doors in prison. I knew that this one was gonna be harder to unlock, so I started on it first.

It took longer than I thought it was going to but finally, after three long minutes, the bolt lock slid back into the door with a low click.

I couldn’t help but grin at my success. But I was far from finished, so I went to work on the second lock. I was only beginning to stick the small screwdriver into the keyhole, when another sound echoed through the alleyway. A sound that my my heart skip a beat.

The sound of footsteps.
And with every second they seemed to be getting closer and closer to me.

I instantly panicked, dropping both the lock picking kit and the tools I was holding. So much for staying cool under pressure.

The footsteps got louder. Oh crap.

Frantically scooped up the tools, I practically stabbed the keyhole with the two screwdrivers. My heart was hammering away at my chest like a jackhammer against concrete, as I jerked the tools sharply to the left. Half hoping that this new method would (in someway) help the process go a little faster.

Sadly it didn’t.

“Come on. Come on. Come on,” I thought as the sounds of the footsteps approached the pile of trash bags. “Just open, please.”

As if the door had heard me, the tools slipped further into the keyhole and the lock slid back with a click. I silently thanked every god in the sky, pulling the two screwdrivers out of the thin slot, and shoving them in my sweatshirt pocket with my flashlight. I twisted the knob sharply to the left and all but rammed my shoulder into the metal door.

I tuned out the stinging pain in my left side, as I threw myself into the dark room, shut the door quickly behind me, and pressed my ear to the metal door. The footsteps moved closer and closer and closer. Then (to my surprise) they kept going, passing the the door and continuing on.

I let out a well deserved sigh and slid down to the cold concrete floor. I had made it inside. Not too bad for a 19 year old college student.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 187518
Reviews 1657
No reviews huh? Well allow me to assist *smile* could you check out my chapter two and let me know what you think?

---
koinu160 wrote:And on top of that, she knew that I would rather be anywhere else then in this alley, especially on a Saturday night

Past tense, you occasionally switch to present and it leaves the reader feeling confused.
koinu160 wrote:I grunted in a very unlady-like fashion and shivered, as the chilly Santa Ana winds ruffled my black jeans. It was unusual weather for that time of year, damn global warming.

koinu160 wrote:God damn it.

koinu160 wrote:I moved like a shadow and to the untrained eye I would have looked like just that, a shadow in the moonlight, despite my auburn hair, which had escaped the inside of my black beanie, and was now fluttering wildly behind me.

koinu160 wrote:The only light here was that of the moon hanging overhead. But at the time, the silver disk was hidden behind a cloud, making it virtually impossible to see anything in the dim light.

Was the moon there or not. If not, then the only light you say existed could, in fact, not have been there.
koinu160 wrote:Every alley in Downtown L.A this one had all the ‘amenities’ andthis one was no exception.

koinu160 wrote:Old mouldy boxes that had more holes in them then a block of cheese.
koinu160 wrote:At the same time I pulled out my mini-flashlight and lock picking kit.

If she has a pocket flashlight, why did she originally use her mobile phone?
koinu160 wrote:I tuned out the stinging pain in my left side, as I threw myself into the dark room, shut the door quickly behind me, and pressed my ear to the metal door.

What stinging pain?

I love the end sentence!! It looks really good, just watch your tenses. Don't forget to check out my work :)




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 773
Reviews 12
To IcyFlame:

Thank you for your feedback on this chapter and I look forward to getting more as I continue on with it. I know that you have a few question which I say in your review so I will take time out to answer them.

1) You asked me if the light from moon in the scene was there or not. Now to answer that I would like to point out that the light from the moon was dim only because it was "partially hidden behind a cloud". It is possible to have light from the moon if it is not out. The light is not as bright though.

2) You asked why my main character used her mobile phone and not the flashlight when she was searching for the door. That is a really good question. You know how the light from a flashlight (even a mini one) is much brighter that the light from the screen of a cellphone. That is the main reason. She switched from the cellphone to the flashlight so she could use both hands to pick the lock. Otherwise, she would have used the cellphone to light the doorway.

Once again thank you for your question and I will look forward to hearing more if you have anymore. Feel free to inbox me.

Thanks
~koinu160~




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 28282
Reviews 884
Okay, so the first reviewer did a really good job picking this apart, so I'll just emphasize a couple things that really bugged me. This needs some cleaning up grammar-wise, though. ;)

I grunted in a very unlady-like fashion and shivered, as the chilly Santa Ana winds ruffled my black jeans. It was unusual weather for this time of year - damn global warming.

I pulled my, matching black, sweatshirt closer to me and peered down into my bag. Everything seemed to be in order.



Just stuff like this throughout, especially in the beginning. All the same, this was a really cool start and I'm totally willing to read the next chapter. If I don't remember to get to it, bug me to read it, okay?
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42011
Reviews 922
Mmm, first off, here's the disconnect from the prologue. It doesn't flow right into the story and while it was interesting, I'd be frustrated that we didn't get to see more of that cool voice I was talking about and are instead following this girl. There are a few options:

- Is the viewpoint of the prologue going to continue anywhere in the story? If so, why not have it begin this chapter, have a scene break for the point of view shift, and then go on to this point of view here?

- If it's not, I'd really say cut it. It was interesting, but since it didn't really give us all that much information beyond that there was someone captured somewhere (which I assume we're going to find out about in this story again somewhere), it doesn't really do much for the story. It's just kind of there, taking up space until the story starts, and that weakens it.

Half hoping that this new method would (in someway) help

Then (to my surprise) they kept going

Again with the parentheses. In both cases here, you could literally just remove the parentheses and leave everything else the same and it would work. The asides here really aren't asides and the parentheses just sort of distract and break up the flow. Take 'em out and there's no problem.

I liked this character voice too. It rambled quirkily and made me smile and was quite fun to read. It lead me to a couple of questions though:

a) What dare? Why is she breaking into this place? Is the dare so importrant/consequences so great that breaking and entering is really an option? Seems a bit extreme.

b) Why does this nineteen year-old college student know how to pick locks? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are many people out there who know how to do it, but I'm assuming this girl is fairly law-abiding (though perhaps I assume wrong?) and so lock-picking seems like an odd skill to have. Why did she think it was necessary to learn?

All in all, I liked this. You had an effective hook here without the original prologue and so I'm honestly more inclined to say just cut said prologue. I'm interested enough as it is here and when it comes to finding out whoever it was that's captured, we can find out about it then. We're good as it is.

Again, feel free to send me a PM or a note on my wall if you have any questions! I'm on to the next chapter!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



"And what is the use of a book," thought Alice, "without pictures or conversations?"
— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland