Soiled Vows

Broken Vows

Young as lambs with frisky spirits,
Fresh as lettuce newly picked,
Pure as a virgin maiden, clean as dew washed grass.

Strong as a solid suit of steel,
True as the sun to rise, the moon to glow.
Forever, as was the promise.

Kind as a sweet kitten,
Gentle as a child’s grasp,
Sweet as a honeyed word.

Fun as Christmas day,
Joyous as merry birds singing.
Free of fatigue, wear or blemish.

But, in due course, as oft’ as not,
A cloud is sure to come;
To cover the golden rays of light.

Red-hot flames leave burnt and blackened,
That solid steel armor…it’s hollow inside.
The roses lose their fair petals…and die.

Sunshine may peak through,
But with a blast is soon extinguished.
Something cold is here to replace it.

Shy glances bring a faint glow to hopeful hearts,
But that hollow tin armor falls,
Crashing those hopes to dashes.

A sudden blow, a fierce strike,
Landed too hard on that empty suit.
Salt corrodes that strong steel armor

….and it is left to rust forever.


The commonness of divorce nowadays inspired me in this somewhat sad poem. The divorce rate seems to increase daily, and people take marriage lightly. It is quite a sad thought to me. Please post comments/critiques.Thanks so much!

Hi Matthews!

First of all, your title seems to have an identity crisis! Is it Soiled Vows or Broken Vows?

Now, for the rest of the poem! It seems like it has an identity crisis as well! You start off really happy and then it goes all DARKNESS. But, you built up this happy picture for so long that the darkness sounds almost comical, which is not what you want to have, I think! So, make it subtle. We know all these happy images that you're describing, almost instinctively. So why not use the intelligence of your reader and just dive in to all the unhappy images? We'll get the drift, really!

Happy editing!

Haha! You're right! Well, I thought using "broken" sounded really obvious and kinda boring, so "soiled" was a little more creative, but I still hadn't decided for sure. Actually, I'm still NOT decided on a good name. Anyway, I can see what you mean, about it suddenly going BLACK, but what did you mean here...
"We know all these happy images that you're describing, almost instinctively. So why not use the intelligence of your reader and just dive in to all the unhappy images? We'll get the drift, really!"

What exactly did you mean by that? Just skip the first part of the poem and only have dark lines???? Huh? Sorry, I'm confuseled! heheh anyhow, thanks for the review regardless! ^_^

Hey, your poem has very nice imagery. I think you should give us hints that something isn't right with the relationship before you tell us readers that it fell apart. It felt too abrupt to me for the poem to go from happy, happy to sad and desolate. Normally in a relationship that is going to end there are some signs, no matter how subtle, that it is not going to work. Good job on your poem!

Hey there!
This poem has a very nice structure that fits in perfectly. I also liked how you used an imagery. These three lines in particular:

Matthews wrote:Broken Vows

Young as lambs with frisky spirits,

Gentle as a child’s grasp,

Joyous as merry birds singing.

I also liked how you brought the cloud in:

Matthews wrote:Broken Vows

But, in due course, as oft’ as not,
A cloud is sure to come;
To cover the golden rays of light.

Subtly and gently changing the theme from happiness to darkness and sadness.
Yeah... That's it.

K, I'll have to see about adding some subtle signs...Thanks for the reviews!