Chase

Breathing heavily mum dumped the food onto the floor. She motioned for us to begin eating. I plodded over and lay down. The meal was nice and fresh, it tore easily with my teeth. I ate until I was full, and until mum hit me to stop.
After tea it was time. Finally. Mum led me out the house, looking both ways for danger, and we begun our trek. We walked for miles, and soon I was wishing we were back at home in the shade. The sun was blinding and I tried my best to walk under the trees. After a while of walking in silence we came to a stop. Way ahead of us was our next meal. And it was my duty to get it.
I knew what I had to do, and how to do it, my training had taught me. We jogged a little further.
Mum stopped behind a bush, but I had to carry on. I crouched down low and crawled slowly and steadily. Studying what should soon be mine.
I decided on a specific ill-looking one. Creeping towards it was taking too long, and despite what mum and dad had taught me, I made a snap decision. I broke into a run then a sprint. I snarled and that startled them. They spread out, running off in different directions. I knew that snap decision was a mistake.
I scanned the area for my chosen one. I couldn’t find it.
Wait, there it is. Unknowingly, it was running towards my mother. I turned and sprinted in that direction, gradually catching up to it. My feet slammed continuously against the floor, kicking sand up in the air; my heart beating hard against my chest. I was finding it hard to breathe; this was my first hunt after all.
My meal was still far ahead, and as the sun beat down on my back I got hot and tired. It ran past my mother’s bush and I could tell she is anxious to catch it herself because it was clear I wasn’t going to. Still I pressed on as she didn’t emerge from behind the shrub. I needed this catch, how else would I prove myself to my father?
Slowly but surely it began to tire. And I went faster, stronger; powered by the hungry thought of sinking my teeth into...I saw close up ahead that the beast dropped onto its stomach. Urging my legs to move faster. Faster.
I reached it and it was whimpering, ss if pleading me not to kill it. I felt a surge of guilt, this surprised me...I’ve never felt guilt before when I’d eaten one of these.
Only now, when I was about to kill it did I feel like maybe I shouldn’t.
I felt mum behind me and urge me to...I backed away, it was too much of a burden to have to murder this and then eat it. I didn’t understand, we were murderers...and all this time I’d been, what, proud?
I saw mum shake her head. She was disappointed, I knew it, and she didn’t even have to say. She should be. I failed her; mum has done so well to train me. I was supposed to make a catch for the first time, and I was also supposed to eat it. The thought of letting her down wasn’t as sad as having to actually murder this poor soul, but still...if I didn’t...what would father do?
He’d punish you, I thought. I knew he would. He was tough, way too tough me for to handle.
In the end I chose what was best for me. I know that means I’m selfish. But I did it anyway. I walked forwards and dug my nails into the flesh. My heart stopped. Looking at its stomach rise and fall slowly was so hard. I bent down and purred softly, I was trying to say sorry. I bit into its neck and it winced.
I could tell before I looked that mum was relieved. I knew she’d worry about what dad would have done too.
He’d have said, “You shouldn’t feel guilty. Killing is in your nature. Embrace it. Respect it.” And I will.
I am a lion after all.

Hi there!

So I thought that this was a neat little story, and it gave us a fresh perspective on the classic prey-and-predator chase scenes. From the beginning of the story you make it clear that we are dealing with animals, which is nice because it shows you took the fact that animals have different mannerisms then humans into account. Most of my problems with this lie within the way this story is composed.

For instance, take your beginning. While I like the idea of it and I like where you start, but I think that it could be more exciting. Right now, it's like -- okay, he's eating dinner. It doesn't keep us invested. To fix this, I would try to incorporate more description and emotion.

For instance, is your narrator deathly starving, and does he leap with joy with he sees the food? Is he caught off guard when he is told he has to hunt? Or, if he already knows, is he nervous and dreading it? I wonder how old he is. Correct me if I'm wrong, but he seems really young from his conflicting emotions and how it takes him a while to catch the prey and how he is so concerned with pleasing his father and what not. I would go more into his training. What did it entail? What did he have to do? I would at least have the basic facts run through his head -- like he's trying to remember so that he doesn't mess up.

I would also try to work more on the actual capture scene. The details are a bit muddy and it quickly becomes hard to follow. I would like to have a better idea of what he's trying to catch. Although I can understand you not actually saying the name of the creature, since the lion would know, but try to give us visual cues. Describe it; what it looks like, how it moves, etc. That way we can picture what's going on more. In addition, while his regrets about killing it make the story more interesting, I don't see it happening. Like you say at the end, killing would be in the nature of a lion. He wouldn't see the animal he's catching as a living, breathing, thing -- he would see it as food. I think some self-doubt about being able to catch and kill the prey would be better.

I also don't like the last line. First of all, the lion would likely not know that they are called a lion in the human world. Lions are wild creatures, and since this one is in the wild he would likely have never seen humans before. He would realize when he sees a member of his own kind, but he wouldn't know what it is called. I would give us some more visual cues so we understand that he's a lion without you actually having to tell us that he is one.

Overall, I thought this was a neat story and I hope you stick with it! Good luck, and PM me with any questions or concerns if you have them.

~ Elinor

Hi there!


This was proofread well, which was nice (for a change) and I enjoyed reading it. I do have a couple quick things to add though:

1. Animal Emotions

You need to decide right now whether this is an anthropomorphic story (that is, animals with human emotions) or whether you're going to stick to the realistic side. Why? Well, I''m in the camp that says animals feel basic human emotions: Sorrow, Love, happiness, fear, etc. However, they do not feel guilty for killing other animals. This is a human thing. In nature, everything is balanced and everything works perfectly.

Sorrow, ok--I could see this being a really cool piece with the lion 'apologising' to the prey, feeling its sacrifice. It could be very beautiful. But nearly deciding not to do it? Could just be me, but I have a problem with it. Lions have no option but to eat meat. There is nothing else that they *can* eat. So it doesn't feel realistic. Then there's the fact that every fiber of their beings are primarily designed to find and kill food for themselves. They were made to do it.

/$.02


2: This is a bit smaller, but your sentence stucture could use a bit of work. Right now, all your sentences are simple: I do this. This happens. She says this. I do something else. It's only very occasionally that you break it up at all, to say something like this: I do this, and then this happens. This is boring even if you write the best story ever, people won't read it if the rhythm is always the same. My advice: Try reading aloud, and stop at every period.

Feels a little jerky, right? Now, try mixing it up. Start with a noun "Trees bend in the wind" or an "ing" verb: "Running forward, I darted around a bush," or even one or two passive sentences: "It's skin was ripped by my claws" (vs. I ripped its skin with my claws). See what I mean?

3. Description. Right now, I get the sense that you're just listing everything that's happening. Ellie mentioned this a little too: the catch scene especially gets a little muddy. Feel free to add a little gore--as long as it's not there to gross us out, it'll help make it realistic.

Also, where is this taking place? The savannah? Is so, the scenery is beautiful. Describe it. The trees, the light, the insects, the heat, the birds, the fur on the head of the deer/whatever it is. He's stalking it, probably, maybe through the grass. He's a hunter; observation is key. We should probably know every single detail of what it looks like (just don't list them, please). I don't think telling us what it is would be a problem; wouldn't there be a word for "deer" in whatever language he's speaking?


Ok, good luck with this! I was getting excited about it just reviewing it. Hope you find this at least a little bit helpful.

Lupis

This is extremely interesting, such a different piece and a neat look into predator vs prey. I enjoyed it, though I will say I have a few nitpicks and comments. Wouldn't be much of a review otherwise, would it?

Breathing heavily mum dumped the food onto the floor. She motioned for us to begin eating. I plodded over and lay down. The meal was nice and fresh, it tore easily with my teeth. I ate until I was full, and until mum hit me to stop.

This first paragraph does little to catch my attention. I can honestly say it isn't why I kept reading. I don't particularly like it. In fact, I don't know why I kept reading. I'm glad I did. <--- see what I mean? If not, what I mean is simply that its too 'I' and choppy, in my opinion. It bores me, and I think it could be quite a bit more descriptive if you chose to do more showing with it. Plus, if he (she? not sure I saw specifics anywhere) was full, I don't think the mom would have needed to stop him.

It ran past my mother’s bush and I could tell she is anxious to catch it herself because it was clear I wasn’t going to.

You switch tenses in a few places. Be careful to remain with one tense.

Slowly but surely it began to tire. And I went faster, stronger; powered by the hungry thought of sinking my teeth into...I saw close up ahead that the beast dropped onto its stomach. Urging my legs to move faster. Faster.

First, I notice you use the semi-colon a lot. Just be careful so you aren't overdoing it or using it incorrectly. I'm terrible for overusing semi-colons myself. Also, you seem to have a few incomplete thoughts here? Maybe it wasn't supposed to be, but "sinking my teeth into..." is one. Into what? The flesh, its fur, the warm skin of it? Something. Also, "I urged my legs to move faster."

You also use "..." a lot. I'd just say be careful with that as well. I'd make sure you proof read, to make sure everything is a complete thought. Overall, though, I really did like this and how different it was from anything I've read before! The only other thing (also a nitpick, as most of these things are) is to really show us. I think it could be even better of an insight into a predator if you were to use more description!