Whispering

(Author's Note: I'm not too knowledgeable about the abortion process, just that there's a lot of pain behind it. I hope I wrote this okay.)

“I’m pregnant,”
Sarah watched her mom’s face whiten. The air in the room suddenly seemed too heavy, a pressure weighing on Sarah’s shoulders. She thought it’d be the other way. That she’d be relieved.
It all depends on how she takes it.
“How far along are you?” Mom’s voice was quiet, a subdued tremble breaking the silence.
“A month,” Sarah pitched her voice at the same level as Mom’s. It suddenly sounded weak, thin. She cleared her throat.
“A month…” Mom echoed. Just an echo and nothing more.
“My period was—it didn’t come,” Sarah swallowed, as if that would clear her brain. “I got a pregnancy test and it tested positive.”
“Who’s the father?”
Sarah’s throat dried up, became a desert. Do I tell her? Will she have a clear head about it?
“I don’t know,” came out of her mouth.
Mom’s face contracted, “Did you have sex with more than one person?”
Be honest, Sarah. “No.”
Mom’s face became stony. “You’re not going to keep it.”
Sarah didn’t know what to feel. Relief? Anger? Sadness? “I—”
“You need to have an abortion.” Mom’s eyes were icy, boring into hers. “If you won’t tell me the father, you can’t keep the baby.”
A bribe. Pain versus disloyalty.
“Okay,” the word was so soft Sarah doubted her mother heard the pain behind it.
Mom stared at her, those eyes curiously dead, two twin walls of ice. At last, she got up from the couch, saying, her voice still that soft shade of pain, “I’ll make the arrangements.”
An abortion…
Sarah found her hand sliding down, cradling the small bump that had grown there. And she knew.
I have to tell him.
Her mother was walking into the other room. And Sarah got up from her chair, and walked upstairs. In her room.
She closed the door. Tears were pouring silently down her cheeks as she fumbled for the phone in her pocket. With shaking hands, she dialed in the familiar number and held it to her ear.
One ring…two rings…three rings…
“Damn you, pick up!” Sarah growled.
And he did. “Hello?”
“John,” her voice cracked. And in that crack was every inch of her pain, her confusion, her anger. “I told her.”
His voice became tense, unsure. “And?”
“I didn’t tell her you were the father.” Sarah swallowed, trying to force her throat and her mind to get the words out. “She’s making me get an abortion. B-because I won’t tell.”
“You should tell her,” John’s voice was soft, laced with its own pain. “I hate for you to carry this on your own.”
“So I tell my mother that my best friend got me pregnant?” Sarah’s voice became a squeak, and she laughed hysterically, mirthlessly. “She’d—she’d…” She could find no words for it.
“But I want to be there. If I just get off scot-free…”
“Then my mother will love you and she’ll let you—”
A knock on the door. Sarah jumped. She muttered, “Hold on,” in the phone and went to the door, phone hidden behind her back.
Her mother was there. “The arrangements are made. Tomorrow.” Her voice was rough, her eyes red-rimmed. She’d broken down too. “Tomorrow morning at 9.”
“Okay,” Sarah whispered. Then she closed the door. Returned to John, on the phone.
“The arrangements are made, John,” the words sounded heavier than any textbook, dimming the sunlight coming in her room.
“Sarah, don’t do this!” John’s voice cracked. He was crying too.
And it came pouring out.
“I love you, John. I love you so much I can’t let you go. And if I tell her what happened. If I tell her that I loved you so much that I’d made love to you, she’d push you away. And I’d feel like it was my fault. All my fault.”
My fault. All my fault.
“It’s not, Sarah. I’m coming over there.” John’s voice was a whisper, bludgeoned to that volume by Sarah’s confession. “I’m telling her.”
“Don’t you dare.” Sarah said. “Don’t. Do this one thing for me. Don’t.”
“I’m coming over…” John’s voice was sure.
“John…”
“But I won’t tell her,” John cut her off. “I won’t tell. Give me five minutes.”
“Okay,” Sarah whispered. Then she hung up, sitting on the bed.
She’d had sex with John over a month ago. They’d been together in John’s bedroom, and John had admitted he’d never kissed a girl, only boys. And Sarah had dared him to kiss her.
It’d been that playful dare that had made Sarah start touching John. Start touching John as they’d never touched before.
They hadn’t used a condom. Stupid, stupid.
It’d all been so fast. And so right. But so fast. So, so fast.
She touched her belly again. Pulled off her shirt and started touching that swell of skin. She could almost hear the baby’s cries, a mere whisper in the room.
I know, baby, I know.
The door opened.
John stood there. His eyes were wide, frightened, teary. Trained on that slight swell of belly.
“Oh, Sarah…” his voice was a moan. A frightened, low moan. He closed the door, and took Sarah in his arms. He kissed her cheek, rubbed her back. Not sexual. Purely comforting.
John drew back from the embrace. “When?”
“9 am tomorrow.” Sarah responded. “I’m…”
John cupped her chin gently. “I can still tell her.”
“Don’t!” Sarah protested. “We just…this…the pregnancy wasn’t meant to happen.”
“We made love, Sarah.” John whispered, a light illuminating his eyes. “We made love and Mother Nature thought it wonderful.”
Sarah laughed. An actual laugh. “Please tell me you’re not going on a poetry rant again.”
John shook his head, entirely serious. “I’m not. But…would you think I was crazy if I could hear our child whispering? Right now?”
Sarah could hear the whispers too, soft. Felt and heard only between the two of them. The parents. The whispers of hope. The whispers of new life. The whispers of their love echoing in Sarah’s belly. How cruel for it to all be taken away.
“No, you’re not crazy, John. Not at all.”

Abortion gets over dramatized, really. There's only pain behind it if 1) you're morally against it, but have to or 2) if you want the child, but there's 100% chance of a fatal defect, thus causing you to abort. Really, the vast majority of those who abort do so peacefully and quietly; which is why we only hear about the stories of pain and suffering.

Kind of like how the media only chooses to show stories about dog bites when they involve "pit bulls." Or how kidnappings are on the rise just because we have 24-hour news that covers it continuously (when really, kidnappings are as common as they have been for generations).

A news show doesn't get ratings if they report, "3,700 abortions occurred today (the statistical average per day in the U.S.), and most of them were just fine."

Of course, that doesn't discount your story, because she could very well be morally against it. Just thought I would put that bit of information out there.

Sarah watched her mom’s face whiten. The air in the room suddenly seemed too heavy, a pressure weighing on Sarah’s shoulders. She thought it’d be the other way. That she’d be relieved.

I like that paragraph. Simple, but telling of Sarah's state of mind.

“How far along are you?” Mom’s voice was quiet, a subdued tremble breaking the silence.
“A month,” Sarah pitched her voice at the same level as Mom’s. It suddenly sounded weak, thin. She cleared her throat.
“A month…” Mom echoed. Just an echo and nothing more.

Okay, by the time we get to "Just an echo and nothing more," then it really starts to feel overdramatized. You're talking way too much about the way people said things that it feels heavy-handed.

“I got a pregnancy test and it tested positive.”

Pregnancy test as in the ones you get from the store? They advertise 99% accuracy or whatever, but they really aren't. Her mom should know that the only judge of whether she's pregnant or not should be a doctor. The 99% thing is misleading because some people think that it'll be as accurate on Day 1 of the pregnancy as it is on Day 240. But really, the levels of hCG (pregnancy hormone) vary wildly over the term of the pregnancy. So the 99% accuracy might just be biased towards those that are 8 months pregnant. (4 out of 5 dentists suggest this toothpaste! 8 out of 10 Americans hate the president! Y'know, you can always bias a sample based on how/where/when you collect data).

“If you won’t tell me the father, you can’t keep the baby.”

...What? That seems...like crazy logic.

cradling the small bump that had grown there

Oftentimes, nothing shows by 1 month. I mean, I guess there could be a bump, but that's why some people don't know until month 2 or 3 and they feel really weird.

And in that crack was every inch of her pain, her confusion, her anger

Again, you're going too melodramatic.

John’s voice was soft, laced with its own pain.

Now you're just using the word "pain" to replace true feelings. Strip out 70% of your use of the word "pain" and see if you can find some other way to describe it. And sometimes you don't even have to say it; we can infer it from the words said, the way they said it, and the situation. Consider, in any other story, when someone's dad dies. Do they just say, "I was sad." And repeat later, "I walked away with sadness." And "I looked back sadly." No, instead, you use your words to lend a heaviness to the actions, use the proper tone, and let the feeling permeate.

Your dialog is pretty good. Besides the crazy Mom's ultimatum, "Tell me who he is or you will have an abortion." It's natural and flows. I'm not as much a fan of how long you spend describing how things were said. I know this is a dialog driven story, so the manner of the speech is important. But the same words were reused over and over again that it felt boring. "Pain" "whisper" "cracked" "soft" Or words that are just variations on a theme. "Stony" "rough" These kinds of things that describe how they said it are just extended adverbs, and I don't know if you know the rule on adverbs, but they're mostly unwanted. You should let the speech and the verbs do the talking, instead of telling us that "[blah blah blah]" was just a whisper, laced with pain.

Other than that, I think you move too fast. Slow it down. The mom dismissed Sarah so fast that she just seems like a terrible parent. "You're pregnant? Who is he? Get an abortion. I'm calling the clinic now."

Also, we get no sense of time passing. So when John arrives at her bedroom door in the span of 10 lines, it feels like he was already standing at the front door when they were on the phone.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Whereas sargsauce spoke more on her and her mother, I'm going to focus a little more on her and John.

Since you said John only kissed guys, I'm assuming he's gay. And if he's gay, yeah, he could end up having sex with her, but is that really a big chance? Also, the way she says she loves him, that seems too melodramatic, like it's trying too hard to get her sympathy. And the way he reacts just doesn't seem natural. And like sargsauce said, does he have anything morally against her having an abortion, because if he's gay I'm assuming he doesn't want to raise a child. And if he's gay and/or just her best friend, why do they act like forbidden lovers? Yeah, they had sex. But that's sex, not love.

Like sarg said, this can get too melodramatic, and they act a little too unrealistically. Still, I like this, you're a decent writer. Just tone it down a little, maybe add some more description to even out the dialogue, and you'll have a nice little piece on your hands. Because this is good.

Keep writing.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hello!

So, this an interesting piece. You have a nice writing style. It definitely seems like you exerted a lot of time and energy in to writing this story. However, my main problem with this story is that it is currently much lower then its potential. Let's face it; stories about teenage pregnancy and abortions are very commonplace, so since you picked that as your topic, you need to have content in it that makes the story interesting at sets it apart from the others. Here, you don't really do that.

There's hardly any description, so you don't really get the opportunity to develop your characters and help us to understand what they're going through. We also don't get a real sense of the setting, or the friendship between John and Sarah and why it escalated into sexual tension, especially if the former is gay. You don't really go anywhere with that tidbit of information, so it just leaves the reader confused.

The scene with the mother at the beginning doesn't feel as tense as it should be. I'd like to see more of both character's feelings throughout it. How did Sarah work up the courage to tell her mother? How does her mother feel? Why does she want her daughter to get an abortion? Like Sarg said, I don't like how the she dismisses her daughter so fast, and I don't think she would to use the pregnancy test as the final word. Show us more of what the mother is thinking and maybe we'll understand her more.

Instead of bluntly italicizing Sarah's thoughts, I would try to communicate them more to us through her body language and the way she responds to her mother's questions. Show us how nervous and scared she is so we get a sense that she knows what she did is wrong. I'm also not really quite sure how she herself feels about the abortion, and that would be important to emphasize. Is she torn between thinking she can't take care of it and wanting the child to live? Embellish!

I don't really have much to add beyond that, but that Sarg and Ultra both gave you good advice. This can get really melodramatic at times, and I think development of the two main characters and why they act like lovers even though they're friends would help this piece a lot.

Hope this helps you -- feel free to PM me if you have any questions regarding this review.

~ Elinor