The Harpist

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AN: This is basically an expansion of this poem. Tell me what you think -- the sparsity of the dialogue is on purpose.

The night is frigid; a mixture of snow, ice and slush frosts the sidewalks and the streets, which are dotted with footprints from an array of different boots. As cars drive by, the slush flies to the side and gathers at the edges of the sidewalk and creates tiny hills. The forecast says that it is five degrees, but it feels like negative ten with the windchill. The inhabitants of the city take different measures to find solace from the bitter cold. Outside, those by themselves rub their gloved hands together and wrap their scarves tightly around their faces. Couples find warmth in each other through passionate embraces, and families walk briskly as they await the heated indoors. Some dance and flirt at bars, some curl in cushioned chairs to a variety of movies, and others find comfort in the enchantment of music.
At a grand music hall near the center hub of the city, an impressive crowd gathered to hear a harpist perform. She had been doing concerts at the music hall ever since her graduation from Julliard. or herself since then. Tonight is no different than her other concerts. The audience sits comfortably in their blue-velvet seats, dressed in nothing but their best. They eye the dark stage where the golden harp stands, waiting patiently to be played. A wooden stool where the harpist would sit is beside it. It is when the clock strikes eight-thirty a few minutes later that the lights dim and fade to black, with a glowing band of light fixating on the glimmering instrument and stool. Seconds afterward, a young woman with pale skin and caramel-brown hair gathered in a high ponytail walks onto the stage. She's wearing bright red lipstick and a black dress with lace at the edges. She's met with applause and responds with a simple smile. She sits upon the stool and the hall becomes quiet. Her fingers are shaking as she clasps the harp in her hands and gently begins plucking the strings. Despite many performances, she's never lost her shy nature.
From the first note, the audiences are entranced with her skill. The harpist makes it seem very easy the way her fingers gently glide across the strings like angels dancing in the clouds. As she continues, the audience listen in awe, thinking of what they will tell their friends. Is it Majestic? Soft? Elegant? Beautiful? They soon come to realize that there are no words to describe what they are hearing. She can play each note perfectly. All too soon, the concert comes to a close as the lights go up and harpist does one last glissando and stands up to take a bow. Almost perfectly in sync, those in the chairs stand up and give her a thunderous applause. She smiles modestly and her pale cheeks flood with color. Those who have been to her concerts before have brought bouquets of roses; they throw them onto the stage and she manages to catch a few. She exits out the metal door that leads to backstage. She'll come out in five minutes for some gentle music that will play them out.
When she comes back, most of audience are still there; they're putting on their coats and preparing to brave the cold. The harpist sits back on her stool and plays gentle scales. She does this until the last of them leave; until she is alone in the auditorium.
Tonight, she'll go home to her dark apartment, maybe practice some more before bed; she has another concert tomorrow evening at this same hall in which she'll perform the same songs.
Behind the very back seats, a young man opens a tiny black door and starts to walk to the stage. The harpist doesn't know his name; they change whoever operates the lights for her shows nearly every other day. He ascends the petite staircase and turns her way, congratulating her on a job well done. Then he leaves out the metal door and she is alone once more. It takes her a minute to think about how she feels. Despite everything, she is not happy. She stares at the bouquets of roses lying across stage, she remembers the standing ovation. The audience loved her, as always; tomorrow she'll get a handsome check and will once again escape debt that plague so many her age. The harpist sighs and gets up from the stool. It is getting late; the later it gets the colder it will become. Although she doesn't have far to walk until her apartment, but she figures she could use rest and some food – she doesn't have the opportunity to eat dinner until after her concerts on performance days.
She walks toward the edge of the stage and opens the door to the backstage hall of the auditorium. It is deserted save for her manager, who is in his coat and has his car keys in his hand; he is getting ready to leave. He waves and exits out the door.
The harpist smiles but says nothing. She goes back to her private practice room, where she left her warm clothing; a pair of sweatpants, her coat, hat, mittens and boots. She slips on the sweatpants under her dress and puts on her boots. The harpist buttons up her coat; black and woolen, she remembers buying it with her mother. Her hat and mittens are both made of the same thick white yarn with knitted black flowers. They were a gift from her grandmother two years ago, who is now dead. She takes down her ponytail, puts both of them on and says goodbye to the auditorium for the night.
The first thing she notices when she leaves is how empty and desolate the streets seem. The cars still drive by as they fling more slush to the edges of the sidewalk, and she passes the occasional person desperate to find a place of heat, but most who sought solace on this evening are either warm in their homes or have gotten where they needed to go. And again, she sighs. Eight blocks later she has arrived at her apartment. Because she is curious, she takes out her cell phone from her coat pocket and sees that it is just after ten. Before she puts it back, she takes note of the fact that there are no new missed calls or texts. Kicking the excess snow off her boots, she takes out her keys and enters her apartment, greeted by the emptiness of the white carpet and silver doors distinguishable only by . Careful not to wake those who are sleeping, she goes halfway down the hallway where she is greeted by the ivory buttons and silver doors of the elevator. She presses the button plainly marked with '7' and takes her customary ride up to apartment 701.
It is dark when she walks in. She turns on the light, takes off her coat, mittens and boots but leaves her hat on and goes to her kitchen. Realizing her starvation, she heats up a macaroni and cheese frozen dinner and thinks about the day, how she is not happy even though she should be.
It is this, she realizes. Her life, each bit of it. She has felt this way ever since coming to the city to attend Julliard. But she got through it, finding pleasure in her studies and in her harp. When her plans were nonexistent after school hours, she practiced her harp and felt better. But since she graduated and moved to live in this apartment, she realizes each night has been, with some variation, the same. On Tuesdays she has practice with the city orchestra from nine to one with a break for lunch. On other days, she'll go to Starbucks if she has money, otherwise she'll have cereal. She will watch TV and heat up a frozen dinner for lunch. She'll shower, and then she goes and spends her afternoons in the music hall, practicing, except on Tuesdays and Thursdays when she's giving private lessons. Otherwise she'll go to a movie or do something else to escape her feelings. She'll stay out late either way, come home and have a night like the night she is having now. Occasionally she'll receive a call from a high school in the district asking to substitute for orchestra classes.
All of her tomorrows will follow this pattern, she realizes. Tears began to stream down her cheeks; she is not in the mood to practice any more tonight. As she cries, she wonders why she is so sad. This is typical – she's lived like this for months. Why, only now, does she think about her emotions? She walks into the living room, where her couch and TV.
Then she gets it. These emotions have been circulating ever since the first day she arrived in the city, but she had been trying to deny them, trying to remain happy. Only now does she realize how sad she truly is. But denial never works.
The harpist goes to a window directly to the right of her TV and pushes aside the lavender curtains . As she looks down into the night, noticing how small everything seems. She's high up. She thinks it will be high enough. It should. Before opening the window, she thinks for a moment. Maybe one day her life will change, maybe it will get better. She'll make a friend or maybe meet a nice young man, who, for the first time in her life, would tell her that he loves her. But then she thinks of the endless days just like this one that she'll have to endure before that happens. She doesn't want to bear it. She's shaking, she realizes. With her last bit of strength, she opens the window ever so slightly. It's cold. It's very cold. She tries to ignore it as she slides her legs out and says one last prayer.
She doesn't leave a note. She knows no one would be around to read it.
Last edited by Elinor on Sun Jun 12, 2011 3:16 am, edited 4 times in total.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Hey Elinor!

I had a quick read of you poem before I read this, just for some background.

I thought this was so sad. Your MC was so lonely and I found myself desperately wanting to sympathise with her, but a part of me couldn't. In your poem, you say that she has no-one and in the story, we find that out too. But we don't know why. We know she has attended music school before leaving to live in the city, to play her harp for a living, but we don't know why she doesn't see her family. I assume it's because they live far away, and because she is so busy, but I think you should add in a small parapgraph about how she longs to see her family, but can't. I think that, if the reader knows she has family, but can't see them for whatever reason, they will sympathise and care for her more.

Or, If she doesn't have family, fill in the gaps and tell us why not.

I hope this makes sense - I'm rubbish at explaining things.

I did notice a few things -

She can play each note, each tempo perfectly.


It may just be me, but I'd add in a comma after 'tempo' just to make the sentence flow better. You can ignore me though :P

every tonight as he leaves.


I think it should be 'every night'

It is black and woolen, and her hat, made of thick white yarn with a black flower on the edge, was a gift from her grandmother last year.


Maybe here you could add in how she misses her grandmother. Perhaps create a small memory.

The cars still drive by as they fling more slush to the edges of the sidewalk, and she passes the occasional person desperate to find a place of heat as they walk by, but most who sought solace on this evening are either warm in their homes or have gotten where they want to go.


This sentence is rather long. Perhaps you could change the comma before 'but' to a full stop and split it into two.

She doesn't leave a note. She knows no one would be around to read it.


This pulled at my heartstrings :(

Apart from what I've mentioned above, I thought this was brilliant. Your description was lovely and the piece had a nice flow to it. I liked that you didn't use a lot of dialogue - it helped to keep the theme of how lonely she is, going.

I hope this review helps and I look forward to reading more of your writing :)

Thanks for the read!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Wow, El, you would make me cry!

Quotes 'N' Comments

She had been doing concerts at the music hall ever since her graduation from Julliard.


So, your writing is beautiful, I already told you that when you showed me the first paragraph. However, sometimes in this, you get a little lazy. And that's fine, all you need to do is go back and edit! Edit edit edit. With this sentence, the 'doing concerts' just sounds... bad. You use all this sophisticated vocabulary and then you say that she is doing concerts. Nuh uh, you can do better.

Tonight is no different then her other concerts.


Um, so with this, I just wanted to point out your tense change. Not sure why I quoted this, probably because this is the sentences where you make the awkward transition from Past tense to present tense. Naturally when you're writing in present tense, you'll want to revert to past because it seems more natural, since that's the way most things are written. So when you go to edit this, just put aside a read to make sure your story is all the same tense.

This part isn't a quote, but I didn't know what category of the review to put it in. The third paragraph is very much filled with she's, especially towards the end. It's not so much that there is a lot of she's that annoys me, because it's natural you'll have a lot of them when you're not mentioning a name. The bad part is that all of the sentences start with she, and that is how I noticed it was starting to get repetitive.

Going into this same category, you should call her the Harpist more. I also think that you should make it a big dramatic thing when you introduce the name. I really like that in stories, when there is a really good lead-up to when they put the title of the work into the work. I also think it would help identify with this more.

But you said you were thinking of a different title, and though there is a movie named this, I think "The Soloist" would work. In it, there are two meanings of the name: that she only performs alone, and that she lives her life alone. Therefore the name of the story is symbolic. I think it would be much more fitting, though The Harpist is very fitting; I guess fitting in a different sense, if you catch my drift?

Character

I like her. Through the nonexistant plot and the massive descriptions, I know who your character is. I think that's what I really like about your writing, El. You go into a story and you know your character. She isn't someone you made up in five seconds, she's someone you spent a lot of time developing. And I envy you for that.

And there are also some things I don't like about her. You never see a side that's strong, and while that fits with the idea of this (weak person kills themself) it's disappointing. I do want to see some rebellious actions, some other emotion than despair. I want to see her hesitating when she climbs out the window. Possibly climb back in the house, throw something, then climb back out. I want more reasons to love her. Give it to me.

Plot

I like this, but like I mentioned above, I want a little more. I want to see other emotions of this character. Possibly a good-bye call to her parents? And they turn out being really mean and we know why she's so emotional about them. Or, maybe, some sort of love in her. Love for something, I don't know what. I do think you need another scene before the end. Other than that, this was perfect. I love your description, and how there is very little plot. It reminds me of The Cather in the Rye, in that sense. I think you need another edge though. I would like to see more of the harp incorporated into this. Maybe her blaming it, like it's a physical person.

Great job, El!

Sam




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Do you know why I love you, Eli? You don’t ask me to review super long stuff. All day today, everything I’ve been reviewing to clean out my WRFF thread has just been super long. So I love you because this is nice and not long.

Just a few typos I figured I would point out:

All too soon, the concert comes to a close as the harpist does once last scale and stands up to take a bow.


Before she puts it back, she takes note of the fact that there are now new missed calls or texts.


…greeted by the emptiness of the white carpet and silver doors distinguishable only by their number, just like each other night.


This wording feels very, off. “just like every night before it” or something might sound a little less funky.

… she opens the window ever so slightly


She knows no one would be around to read it.


“Knows” is present and “would be” is future (I think). Either way, I don’t think it’s the right tense which makes the ending sound less powerful. Maybe “will” instead of “would.”


All in all, I think I liked the poem better actually, Eli, no offense.
The thing about this is you could cut a lot out. Some description is just, description. Think of this is as , like, psychological case study. You want to focus on the character above all else. And you spend a lot of time seeing/writing about what they see. Observing what they see. Not so much the people around them. The details about the boy, those are good, I’d have maybe liked to see more actually, and the details about the apartment. The focus should really be about her and how she sees it though. I think that would have made this super duper powerful.

Haha. My grandma put some back zappy things on me part way into this review. I don’t think I’ve physically ever enjoyed a review this much. So, thanks? :P

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Hi, Teddy! I'm really sorry this wasn't up last night as I had hoped. However, I remembered today! So hopefully it's not too late. ^_^

I typically don't do line-by-lines. However, you mentioned you want to enter this in a school magazine, so I'll go ahead and do so. Only because I love you!

The night is frigid; a mixture of snow, ice and slush frosts the sidewalks and the streets. As cars drive by the frosting bursts and gathers at the edges of the sidewalk. It is dotted with footprints from those who had to cross. The forecast says that it is five degrees, but it feels like negative ten with the windchill. The inhabitants of the city take different measures to find solace from the bitter cold. Outside, those by themselves rub their gloved hands together and wrap their scarves tightly around their faces. Couples find warmth in each other through passionate embraces, and families walk briskly as they await the heated indoors. Some dance and flirt at bars, some curl in cushioned chairs to a variety of movies, and others find comfort in the enchantment of music.


Underlined: Couple things here! First is the repetition of "frost." Icky. Second is the awkwardness of the second sentence. I couldn't make sense of that fragment. My head tied itself into a knot trying to wrap itself around it. xD

Italicized: I don't like the phrasing, but I love the picture. Even if you just tie it into the previous sentence, I'd love if you kept this idea. It just feels weird. Clunky, maybe, due to the "those who had to cross." Why else would they cross sidewalks? Just for kicks? xD

Both: I just really love this fragment. Really, really love it.

At a grand music hall near the center hub of the city, an impressive crowd gathered to hear a harpist perform. She had been doing concerts at the music hall ever since her graduation from Julliard. Tonight is no different then than her other concerts. The audience sits comfortably in their blue-velvet seats, dressed in nothing but their best. They eye the dark stage where the golden harp lays, waiting patiently to be played. A wooden stool where the harpist would sit lays beside it. It is then that the lights dim and fade to black, with a glowing band of light fixating on the golden instrument and stool. Seconds later, a young woman with pale skin and caramel-brown hair gathered in a high ponytail walks onto the stage. She's wearing bright red lipstick and a black dress with lace at the edges. She's met with applause, to which she simply smiles. She sits on the stool, and the hall becomes quiet. Her fingers are shaking as she clasps the harp in her hands and gently begins plucking the strings. Despite many performances, she's never lost her shy nature.


Underlined: Not only does "lay" repeat itself a little too closely to each other, I'm not much of a fan of that verb for a harp or stool. They kind of stand or sit, but at least with a harp, when one says they're laying it down, it would be the tall height of it lying on the ground, not the bottom. Same with the stool, but the musician-Jabber didn't really like the laying harp. xD

Italicized: It is... when? There's really not specific time mentioned. They're all waiting for it to start. So when they're all finally waiting, it starts? When they're all eyeing the stage, it finally starts? Nah. Also, repetition of a golden instrument. I think another charming adjective would be lovely here.

Both: Repetition of "she" doing something. I'd sooner edit the "She sits on the stool" to something else.

From the first note, the audiences are entranced at with her skill. She makes it seem very easy the way her fingers gently glide across the strings, [no comma] like angels dancing in the clouds. Her talent is just that; that of an angel. As she continues, the audience searches for words to describe what they are hearing. Majestic? Soft? Elegant? Beautiful? They soon come to realize that there are no words that can do the music justice. She can play each note, each tempo perfectly. All too soon, the concert comes to a close as the harpist does once one last scale and stands up to take a bow. Almost perfectly in sync, those in the chairs stand up and #FF0000 ">applaud her thunderously. She smiles modestly and her pale cheeks flood with color. Those who have been to her concerts before have brought bouquets of roses; they throw them onto the stage and she manages to catch a few. She thanks her audience for coming, and as they put on their coats and prepare to brave the cold, she sits back on her stool and plays gentle scales. She does this until the last of them leave; until she is alone in the dark and empty auditorium. She sighs, waiting for her pupils to dilate as the room becomes clear. She'll go home to her dark apartment, maybe practice some more before bed; she has another concert tomorrow evening at this same hall in which she'll perform the same songs.


Underlined: This makes it sound like the audience is participating in a survey. The occassional musician in the audience might criticize it, the occassional listener would put an appropriate adjective to it, but the majority are just going to stare in awe, probably. The gears won't be turning in their minds, thinking of words to describe it. If one pops up, yay! But they'll really try to describe it when talking about it to their friends.

Italicized: My musician self doesn't like this bit because a musician will throw in ritardandos (slow down) or accelerandos (speed up). The tempo will fluctuate. It won't be perfect. You could mention phrase or style instead, but I'm not a fan of tempo.

Both: Is she performing scales? A song may have scales in it, but I'd sooner call those "runs." Perhaps just say the ending or the last "glissando," a music term which indicates a scale-like effect.

#FF0000 ">Red: My amateur dislike for adverbs was introduced by Insomnia. xD This is one of those instances where the adverb just doesn't work. It'd read better as an adjective. "The audience delivered a thunderous applause."

Green: She might play scales. I mean, harps are pretty. Really, really pretty. I'd love to learn a harp. Anyway! I think she'd sooner play some chorales (hymns) or other tunes as background music. Maybe some arpeggios or fancier scale work. Like I said, harps are really cool. But music seems more entertaining. And typically, at the end of a concert, they exit the stage to indicate it's over and encourage them to leave. (A kind of "they get what they paid for, but no more" deal.) She could maybe wait ten minutes before coming back out.

Blue : At the end of a concert, the lights would turn on immediately after the show. Whether that means when they exit the stage or when they take their bows, the lights will turn on. This indicates the end of the show, and the audience can easily find their belongings before leaving. Once they're all gone, the lights will still be on for a while as the workers clean up the place and shut audio equipment down (she'll have a microphone while she's playing). The lights won't be turned off on her while she's sitting there playing. That's beyond rude. xD

It is then that the lights go up, [<-- comma] and across the room, behind the very back seats, a young man the harpist's ageopens a tiny black door and starts to walk to the stage. The harpist doesn't know his name; they change whoever operates the lights for her shows nearly every other day. He ascends the petite staircase and turns her way, congratulating her on a job well done. Then he leaves and she is alone once more. It takes her a minute to think about how she feels. Despite everything, she is not happy. She stares at the bouquets of roses lying across the stage, her mind goes back to the standing ovation she received. The audience loved her, as always; tomorrow she'll get a handsome check and will once again escape debt that plague so many her age. She sighs and gets up from the stool. It is getting late; the later it gets the colder it will become. Although she doesn't have far to walk until her apartment, she is tired and figures she could use rest. She is also hungry – the buzz of the performance robbed her of the opportunity to eat earlier that night.


Underlined: Why'd he go up the stairs if he's just going to say, "Good job?" That can be said from a distance. I've had it done after a concert. (I was in both spots.) Unless he's hitting on her or they had a whole conversation without the reader knowing. Or he was helping clean up, though there's not much else to do if he was lights. The audio peeps will have taken care of the microphone. (She may even help, if she's as sweet as she seems to be.)

She walks toward the edge of the stage and opens the door to the backstage hall of the auditorium. It is deserted save for her manager, who is in his coat and has his car keys in his hand; he is getting ready to leave.

“Good job tonight,” he says. “See you tomorrow.”

She smiles but says nothing. He didn't even hear her perform – he says this to her every night as he leaves. She goes back to her private practice room, where she left her coat and hat. It is black and woolen, and her hat, made of thick white yarn with a black flower on the edge, was a gift from her grandmother last year. She takes down her ponytail, puts on her coat and hat, and says goodbye to the auditorium for the night.


Underlined: I thought this was the hat first. However, if you replaced the pronoun, it would be an annoying repetition of the clothing items "coat" and "hat". So! I'd suggest redoing these last, what, three sentences? You may not even need the background check for her hat.

Italicized: coatandhat coatandhat coatandhat.

The first thing she notices when she leaves is how empty and desolate the streets seem. The cars still drive by as they fling more slush to the edges of the sidewalk, and she passes the occasional person desperate to find a place of heat as they walk by, but most who sought solace on this evening are either warm in their homes or have gotten where they wantneeded (or wanted) to go. And again, she sighs. Eight blocks later she has arrived at her apartment. Because she is curious, she takes out her cell phone from her coat pocket and sees that it is just after ten. Before she puts it back, she takes note of the fact that there are now new missed calls or texts. Kicking the excess snow off her boots, she takes out her keys and enters her apartment, greeted by the emptiness of the white carpet and silver doors distinguishable only by their number, just like each other night. Careful not to wake those who are sleeping, she goes halfway down the hallway where she is greeted by the ivory buttons and silver doors of the elevator. She presses the button plainly marked with '7' and takes her customary ride up to apartment 701.


Underlined: What, she's not sure? xD

Italicized: This part confused me. I'm still not sure what it's telling me.

It is dark when she walks in. She turns on the light, takes off her coat and boots, [<-- comma] and goes to her tiny black-and-white themed kitchen. Realizing her starvation, she heats up a macaroni and cheese frozen dinner and thinks about the day, how she is not happy even though she should be.


Underlined: Did I miss it, or is she still wearing her hat?

It is this – [comma instead! why the dash? she realizes. Her life, each bit of it. She has felt this way ever since coming to the city to attend Julliard. But she got through it, finding pleasure in her studies and in her harp. When her plans were nonexistent after school hours, <-- comma she practiced her harp and felt better. But since she graduated and moved to live in this apartment, she realizes each night has been, with some variation, the same. She will sleep in. If she has money she'll go to Starbucks for coffee and pastries, otherwise she'll have cereal. She will watch TV and heat up a frozen dinner for lunch. She'll shower, and then she goes and spends her afternoons in the music hall, practicing. Otherwise she'll go to a movie or do something else to escape her feelings. She'll stay out late either way, come home and have a night like the night she is having now.


Underlined: Mkay. I'm not a music major or going into any such field. However, I'm pretty sure that she won't be able to live solely on performances fresh out of college. With a degree in music performance, she'll probably have to be in some orchestra or something to make her way into the big leagues. Even teach at a school/college, giving private lessons (or maybe she got another degree in music education?). Either way, her daily schedule doesn't sound realistic for a young musician. (Maybe I'm picturing her too young, but I'm assuming mid-twenties.)

Tomorrow will all be the same, she realizes. Tears began to stream down her cheeks; she is not in the mood to practice any more tonight. As she cries, she wonders why she is so sad. This is typical – she's lived like this for months. Why, only now, does she think about her emotions? She walks into the living room, where her couch and TV are. Where all the windows also lay.

Then she gets it. These emotions have been circulating ever since the first day she arrived in the city, but she had been trying to deny them, trying to remain happy. Only now does she realize how sad she truly is. But denial never works.


Underlined: And her kitchen hasss no windows? I'd get rid of this sentence. If you're keeping it, change "lay." Otherwise, delete the whole thing.

She goes to a window directly to the right of her TV and pushes aside the lavender curtains and looks down into the night, noticing how small everything seems. She's high up. She thinks it will be high enough. It should. Before opening the window, she thinks for a moment. Maybe one day her life will change, maybe it will get better. She'll make a friend or maybe meet a nice young man, who, for the first time in her life, would tell her that he loves her. But then she thinks of the endless days just like this one that she'll have to endure before that happens. She doesn't want to bear it. She's shaking. With her last bit of strength, she opens the window ever so [?] slightly. It's cold. It's very cold. She tries to ignore it as she slides her legs out and says one last prayer.

She doesn't leave a note. She knows no one would be around to read it.


Underlined: Run-on. ^^

----

That was sad. D:

Your lack of dialogue helped with the tone very well! Like.. I'm very impressed with how well that worked. Great thinking on your part! It gave a feeling of loneliness, emptiness, or detached..ness. oO Anyway.

My main concerns on the music part were already stated in the line-by-line. Which wasn't really a line-by-line. (There were some commas that I decided I wouldn't suggest, but a few I had to mention to avoid confusion.) Basically, it's not a perfect grammar-check. But an overall comment on it is your overuse of the semicolon. There were a lot of them. And even if they're appropriately used (which most of them were, if not all), periods are cool. (er.. the pucntuation, that is.)

I can tell how attached you were to this piece. I'm having a hard time finding anything else to comment on. You've written this very well! I'd have to say, "Bravo!" *thunderous applause*

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.



Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle