Error 401

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I'm sorry. Truly I am,
for the poem you seek
is lost in the webs
of a billion silicon spiders.
They switch rapidly,
yet never move at all,
and take the donated knowledge
of the world as being their own.

For all our differences,
these spiders, these pets
unite us, however forced,
like a silk bridge spanning our goals.
The cold-blooded nature
so artificial to touch,
leads us onwards
like sheep to the slaughter:

Our greatest creation; our ultimate destruction.
The tapestries will soon unravel
into solitude and hatred;
new fear in the young.
It's dismissable - not a problem;
for a world without the internet
is unimaginable to most, yet for me,
it starts with Error(401).

Spoiler

This poem is a very subtle address to our dependency on the internet, written when I got Error 401 whilst browsing for a poem I was supposed to review. A phrase turned into a stanza, a stanza into a complete poem - I'm pleased with this. Never mistake, the internet is the subject of this poem, not metaphorically. Literally. It sort of mutates as I lost my train of thought, and addresses what I think will become of humanity, due to the internet.

I really liked this a lot, it was certainly different but really enjoyable.
I liked the structure of it, it was detailed yet didn't add to much to ruin it.
I also like the little twist you added in the descriptions yet also how you seemed to keep it simple.
I liked these lines:

is lost in the webs
of a billion silicon spiders.

Some good imagery, though I would have liked another verse
Overall a good piece.
Well done!

eldermimmi wrote:You may not access this server at this time.
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I'm sorry. Truly I am,
for the poem you seek Instead of "poem," how about "wisdom," "insight," or "doctrine?"
is lost in the webs
of a billion silicon spiders. Great line.
They switch rapidly,
yet never move at all,
and take the donated knowledge
of the world as being their own. Rework this. The wording could be simpler.

For all our differences,
these spiders, these pets I don't know about "pets."
unite us, however forced,
like a silk bridge spanning our goals.
The cold-blooded nature
so artificial to touch, Could be better.
leads us onwards
like sheep to the slaughter:

Our greatest creation; our ultimate destruction. "Destruction" is a bit cliched. How about "bane," "downfall," "undoing," or even "carnage?"
The tapestries will soon unravel Splendid.
into solitude and hatred;
new fear in the young. I don't like this line too much. I don't think you even need it.
It's dismissable - not a problem;
for a world without the internet Think of a different word for "internet."
is unimaginable to most, yet for me,
it starts with Error(401). Nice.

I love original poems like this. You do a commendable job presenting it as well - you establish the atmosphere quite well.

I think you might like to take a look at my trilogy of poems called "Cyborg." They are somewhat like this. Of course, you don't have to, but reading this just really reminded me of them.

Well, keep writing!

-Kafka

This one was good....
A very original and a new concept... A challenging work to write something on this topic but you did it...
Nicely executed too... But at some places i felt that it was totally off the track...
Good imagery as pointed out by Lily ad i would like it if you could introduce new verse...
Keep up the good work...
PM me for anything...

I think this is highly original, and I really like the concept! As most of the other people who have reviewed this, I love the silicon spiders line, it ties in nicely since we call the internet the web, and such. I liked that this poem had a warning about the internet incorporated somehow, and it's a warning that seems to resonate throughout our world right now, in an age where people spend more time on the computer than they do anywhere else (who, me? never!).
I thought the last three lines were fantastic, though the second stanza needed a little work. The first stanza sets up the poem and the metaphor of spiders for the internet, and the last stanza carries the message of our addiction to the internet, but right now the second stanza seems to be a sort of placeholder, to make the poem longer. I would try to give it some direction. It seems to have the general idea, that the internet helps us connect with each other, but it could be better. I would set up the 'pets' and 'however forced' ideas a little better; I had the impression, at the beginning of the poem, that the 'spiders' were something autonomous and sinister. If you would like to keep both the part about them being slaves to our will and spanning our distances (I would say distances, or some variation of that, instead of 'goals', by the way) and the other part about them being cold and leading us on to the slaughter (which kind of contradicts the part about them being pets a tad), then I would split them up into two stanzas, but that's just my opinion.
Overall, I really like this poem, especially the subject matter and the last stanza. Good job, and I hope to see more of your work around.

Swiftly, since I’m feeling rather ADD tonight.

Evenin’, elder. Let’s dive in.

So your first stanza is quite nice until the ending. You start with a narrow scope that describes a situation we can all relate to on YWS (and phrased in a brilliant way, mind you; quoted below), but end up with this epic-focus scope that just doesn’t fit. Watch what I mean.

I’m sorry. Truly I am,
for the poem you seek
is lost in the webs
of a billion silicon spiders.

This is brilliant. While your line breaks do a bit of a barter between stanza creation and flow, in which barter flow is being sacrificed. Don’t be scared of longer lines; they don’t bite. Anyway, you move on to the second half in which your voice becomes even less colloquial and tries to somewhat mystify the reader in your phrasing.

They switch rapidly,
yet never move at all,
and take the donated knowledge
of the world as being their own.

You’re personifying the bugs, and this continues further into the poem. And, as you get further in, you become more and more pretentious. Try to work that out, because it’s not a good color on this poem, seeing as how it’s about a loading error. Does that make sense?

Also, nab this cliché before it kills you:

leading us onwards
like sheep to the slaughter:

Bad!

Let me know if you have any questions/comments, or if you want another review.

-Lumi

*Liked

Haha, I really like this. It's cool, quirky, different, original. It has it's own unique attitude and edge. I think it could still be tweaked here and there, but I wouldn't mess with it too much. This is a cool piece, and I love the inspiration.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hi. Sorry but I don't have a 'real' review for you.

Anyway, when I saw the title, I thought it was gonna be a humourous poem. But, when I started reading down until the end, it turned out to be really serious. I was like 'o.o'. Don't hate the internet that much. xD Oh, by the way, I noticed the change of persona at the beginning. At the 2nd stanza, it was (I think) the 'internet' talking. But, in the succeeding stanzas, it was you already. I think, this is really the flaw of the poem, the mistake in the poem rather. You could've written or put something to show transition. For my not-really-that-poetic brain me, I suggest putting an ellipsis in between the 2nd and the 3rd stanza like this:

I'm sorry. Truly I am,
for the poem you seek
is lost in the webs
of a billion silicon spiders.
They switch rapidly,
yet never move at all,
and take the donated knowledge
of the world as being their own.

...

For all our differences,
these spiders, these pets
unite us, however forced,
like a silk bridge spanning our goals.
The cold-blooded nature
so artificial to touch,
leads us onwards
like sheep to the slaughter:

In conclusion, it's a good poem for me. But, I'm saddened by the seriousness that seem to come from it and you as the author. I actually don't know if I like it because of that. o.o

Nevertheless, keep writing!

Very creative poem! My mind formed a picture of a green mainframe of some sort, you know what I mean? My absolute favorite line was the first:

I'm sorry. Truly I am,
for the poem you seek
is lost in the webs
of a billion silicon spiders.

"Billion silicon spiders". Read this one a couple times before it seeped, then it stayed, haha!
A couple lines seemed a little wordy- I'm sure you can point those out yourself- however, the poem itself is very artistic, a wonderful piece. Keep sharing!

~Panda;;

this is wonderful, with a particular strong opening and ending. it's a lovely original twist and i loved the spiderweb imagery. i also loved the internal rhyme in 'a billion silicon spiders'.

the only thing i can think of is that perhaps some of the middle could be cut out as it's not as strong or as effective as the start or end. i also think 'like a lamb to the slaughter' is VERY clichéd and lets it down a little.

but aside from those little niggles, this is almost flawless <3

Y'all are hating on clichés, huh? Yes, it is indeed a very overused phrase, but it seemed the only appropriate phrase with some form of meaning behind it.

The first stanza is written from my viewpoint, almost in mockery of the internet's loading failure, and trying to provide myself with an explanation as to why it failed. The internet doesn't speak! xD

Thanks for all the feedback so far guys, I'm enjoying reading these. They are structurally helpful, but I won't edit again until after this has sunk.

Well.....all i'll say is...im not going to point out any mistakes as i really can't figure them out:p. But what i think about the poem is.....WOW!!! Good job mate....nice interpretation....keep it going...!!!:)

it's a really great poem elder, though I have to say it is rather straight forward, part of the beauty of a poem is the metaphors that the readers have to understand, I mean that's just my personal opinion but there might be others, in fact I think I'm sure there are, but still, job well done!

. . . for the poem you seek
is lost in the webs
of a billion silicon spiders.
They switch rapidly,
yet never move at all,
and take the donated knowledge
of the world as being their own.

These lines are absolutely gorgeous. The fact that you were able to take such a mundane subject and turn it into a poem rich with images like this is fantastic. The words "billion silicon spiders" are possibly the three most unlikely and yet perfect ones I've read on this site. The way that you personify the web is also one of the more interesting concepts I've seen -- the idea of a database of stolen facts and secrets, all susceptible to thieves and crashes and misinterpretation.

You end it with a thought that's worth consideration (that of having no internet, none of the ease we've become so used to), as well, which is refreshing in poetry. As a rule, poetry usually resolves itself, or at least wraps things up. Yours ends with a familiar concept of failure, and what it would mean were it to be something more than a temporary loss.

On the whole, this was unique and well written, with some truly wonderful images thrown into the mix. Great work!

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