Story of Us (Part One)

Spoiler

I know; this is awful. Constructive critiscism?

Positive. I stare down at the little blue stick in my hands, feeling nothing. There is no happy feeling. No terror sweeps my body. I just feel empty, raw. It's like someone has merely stolen my heart, by ripping it out of my chest. There's only one good outcome of this and that is the fact that I cannot feel anything. At least, I'm guessing it's a good thing.

I throw the stick into the bin silently and then turn away. It means nothing to me. Maybe I am in denial. So what? How can I allow myself to admit that there is a child growing inside me? It would probably destroy me. So yes, I turn away from that bin, feeling nothing inside. No, that's a lie. I feel hunger. I haven't been eating, convinced it was something I ate that had made me feel so unwell. It is, right? It's something I ate. Not a child.

I turn on my laptop and log onto MSN. An instant message pops up. I read it, grinning, the memory of that little blue stick gone from my mind. In the silence of my dorm room, I can pretend. And god damnit, I will. I will pretend and lie for all it's worth. There is no child.

Johnny: Hey babe, how are you feeling? James said you skipped class today 'cause you felt ill. Any better?

I roll my eyes and mentally curse my boyfriend's best friend for saying anything. Why can't he know to keep his trap shut? I guess though, that James wouldn't know not to say anything. I'm sure that he was just worried for me. How could he know? It wasn't even true.

I start to tap out a reply but the chat flashes orange and beeps as I receive another mesage.

Johnny: Look, I have some news... I'm being sent out there.

I know where 'there' is. 'There' is where I never want my boyfriend to go, ever again. 'There' is where I never want my unborn child's father to land. With a jolt, I realise my thoughts. I swallow and drop my head to my hands. It's inevitable that I won't allow myself to deny it, no matter how hard I try. I'm going to have to tell him.

Maybe... just maybe, I can stop him going. I let out a short sob but even to my own ears, it sounds strangled. Images infiltrate my mind. I swallow again. I want to tell him not to go. I want to tell him that he has to stay, for the sake of our unborn child. How can I though? If I force him to stay, if I force him to give up his dream, then it will be the same. He will be even further away from me if I stop him.

That's who Johnny is. He is the most caring person I know. He is going out to fight a war that isn't his because he wants to save lives. To me at least, this isn't his war. His war is here, trying to keep us together, even though we're millions of miles apart. His war is trying to keep me sane. His war is holding my hand as I give birth to his child.

God damnit, Johnny. Save me. Save my life.

The thought of telling him though... well, that terrifies me. My head spins. Honestly? I cannot predict his reaction. He's currently in Kansas; I'm in Oxford. Over the terrible connection of the internet, I won't know how he's reacting. I want to be able to see his face. I want him to be able to put his arms around me and promise that everything's going to be okay. But you know what? He can't.

This stupid mistake will ruin my life. I am a bright kid; I managed to get into Oxford University. How come I was not bright enough to stop? How was I not able to see that giving my virginity without protection was a bad idea? I'm meant to be clever! How did I not see this coming?

As tears run down my cheeks, I realise that I still haven't responded. At the sound of the beep, I return my gaze to the computer screen and start to type quickly, so that Johnny doesn't begin to get any more worried. He has enough on his plate without worrying about me.

Johnny: Eve? Are you sure you're alright? Do you want me to get James to come over and see you?

Evie: Relax, John. I'm fine, baby.

My heart stutters as I begin to type out the words. I try to phrase it in my head but nothing sounds right. I start with reminding him about that night around a month ago, when we were at his parent's cabin in the woods. We'd been bored and he'd pulled out some wine from the cool box. I'd rolled my eyes and tutted but I'd accepted all the same. Last time I allow myself to get smashed.

Johnny: Phew. Look, I gotta love you and leave you. I'm catching an early plane tomorrow. Goodnight baby. Stay safe xx

The computer beeps just as I'm about to hit enter. He goes offline. I erase my words.

Hey!

So, I don't think this is awful at all!

I think you conveyed the conflicting thoughts and feelings of someone in denial well

I caught a few things -

In the silent room, I can pretend.

I don't get what you mean by 'silent room'

Do you mean the chat room on MSN? Or that the room she is in is quiet? I'd clarify it so that it's clear to the reader.

E.g - 'In the silence of my bedroom, I can pretend.'

I'm going to have to tell him.

Here, I'd suggest adding in how she feels about telling him. I know further on you say that she's worried, but I think a bit of description here would benefit your story. Does she feel sick? Scared? Is her mind spinning at what his reaction might be? It'll just help to make your character more real, 3D.

I return my gaze to the continue and type quickly,

This sentence appears to be missing words. Did you mean to write something like;

'I return my gaze to the computer screen and continue to type quickly'

Goonight baby.

'Goodnight'

Overall, this was a nice read. I sympathised with your character, which was good. Can't wait for the next part!

Hope this review is helpful!

xDudettex

Like Dudette said, this isn't awful - actually, it's quite good.

Okay, I know this is only part one, but it feels really short. Cut off. I'd consider making this part longer, or doubling it up with another part. Another thing; while yeah, this is part one, I feel like some things aren't really explained well. Like "There." I can understand how you might want to keep that from the reader in order to create suspense, but right now, I have little sense for where "there" is. Basically, I have no reason to care about him while he's going there. Even a little hint would help (I mean more than saying she doesn't want him going there). I feel like the suspense would be upped if we knew some of the risk involved - and maybe why exactly he's going there. What the circumstances are. Or at least why she so easily accepts that he's going there. I know this is only part one, but that's kinda like I was saying about how this feels cut off - we know that we should care, but we don't know why. Clue us in a little.

Other than that, though, I really love this. The writing is excellent, and the way you transmit her emotions is done really well. How you show her numbness and loss of what to do. It fits well. PM me when the next part's out, will you?

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Dudette, I love how you reply to my work You're awesome. In fact, the both of you. Thanks so much for the two of you reviewing as you really helped me. I wrote this randomly on impulse when a realisation hit me. But meh.

Dudette: I've made the changes you picked up. I should probably start proof-reading more thoroughly. So, thanks very much I added a little how she felt about telling him, so I hope that fits better now too.

ultraviolet: Okay, so I've only made this a little longer but I hope you agree with what I've put in. If not, then tell me and I will edit it again. I also felt it needed to be a little longer but I didn't want to put too much in that it was just there... randomly and didn't add to the piece. I think what I've put in is okay though but yeah, just let me know if you think anything else needs more explanation. And I can most definitely PM you when the next part is up

Again - you're both stars. So thanks

Hm... another story about...... this.

Don't get me wrong, please. I'm not saying this is unoriginal, but I have recently read/written something along these lines... (I know this is no place to advertise, but I could really use some reviews, if you'd like to check it out... viewtopic.php?t=74980) It's fine though.

If you're like me this takes some guts to write, props for that, but I found it a little hard to believe... Like, the way she just refuses to accept it, then becomes overcome with the prospect...

Also, I'd really suggest you give us more of an idea what "There" is. To me it sounded like the military or something, but in that case I feel like Johnny should be more stressed about it. He seems really chill about it...

Look, I gotta love you and leave you

Is it just me or does this sound really corny? Hehe, that's alright, he's in love XD

Overall, I liked this... Lookin' forward to part two

--
Tabby

Hey Tabby Thanks for the reply.

I read and reviewed your piece, by the way. Okay, I get that its cliche and stuff but I don't think it'll turn out the way you're expecting. I know a lot of it but seriously, I don't even know the ending myself. It's meant to be different and I'm hoping it won't END UP cliche. So yeah, just thought I'd add that

As for the not accepting it and then beginning to write it out... well, I guess you're right. I'll work on that some more. Hopefully it won't seem to be so fast-paced and truly look like she's given some thought into it. I don't know whether you read it before or after the edits though, so I don't know, because it depends how fast you read.

I'll work on it. Thanks very much

The pacing's definitely better. The ending feels like an ending, not like there's still supposed to be more so you can explain it to us.

And I disagree with Tabby about two things; one, every subject is overdone and cliched. Every subject is everywhere, done in many ways. The point is how you write the subject. If you write it well, make it your own, that's how you attain originality. Just because she happened to write about it doesn't make it unoriginal - in fact, what's she saying about her choice at writing it?

The second thing is Eve's reactions; she's her own person. Everyone deals with stress/trauma/whatever you want to call it, differently. This is her way of coping. I mean, lots of people go into denial, then slowly come to terms with it, or whatever. Or never come to terms with it. That kind of thing is unique to them. So her reaction isn't wrong - as long as it's her reaction and fits with her character. Does that make sense?

Anyway, can't wait to see the next part.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hey there,
All the nitpicks I caught were already mentioned, so I;m not going to waste your time repeating them. For what you have, I was interested. Not by the story, though, but by Eve's character and her internal struggle. You should move to make the plot interesting and original (Already said but vital) but what you have going with Eve is marvelous. I'm looking forward the the next chapter.

~TheManintheHat