A Corrupted Angel (Working Title) Prologue

*This is just something I started working on.*

Hi Stela! Thanks for the link.

First off, wow, that's a graphic opening paragraph (I just thought you were just underplaying it! xD). I like the tone you have used here, an almost monotonic voice of the character really portrays her indifference with what is happening, which is what appears to be the intention, so that's good.

My main concern with this prologue is 'subjectivity vs description'. Throughout this piece, you have used "I walk...", "I was...", "I make...", etc, never really varying, or even changing the subject in sentences, and I feel that this is responsible for the lack of environmental detail (by centering the entire piece around the narrative character, there is no room for description of her surroundings, making it seem a bit flat). It can be easily mended by adding additional lines of your character browsing the room - that way, you wont lose the character's firm centerality in the piece.

Grammar is fine, with no 'red thumb' mistakes, and in terms of fluidity, the piece is good and clean.

Perhaps a small improvement would be to add a brief description of Annie, who I guess is a continued character into the main bulk of the novel. As far as a reader is concerned, she is just a name at this stage.
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I hope these comments help you, and feel free to PM me if you have any queries about what I've written.

A good piece, and I will read the novel soon (when I have free time, obviously!),
~Elder

First off, I think that this a great prologue/introduction. Rather than just taking the beginning of a story and just calling it a “prologue”, we see that the novel to come will be retrospective and focus on loss of innocence or, at the very least, the change of a young woman. There are little details that will make this a tighter and more effective beginning, of course, but I appreciate that you have utilized the idea of a prologue well.

Sometimes in life we make decisions that, at the time, seem insignificant but they end up shaping our destiny in ways that we did not imagine possible. They turn us into the people we never thought we would be. Often, we sit back and regret all that we’ve done and pray to whatever deity we believe in to turn time back so that we could do things differently. It never happens.

I imagine this as the voice-over narration in a movie when the film starts, set to an empty screen. That's the tone I get from it, and somehow making it italicized adds to that feel. I'm not sure if that's what you're going for, but it certainly sets an interesting tone. However, I do think that the phrasing feels a little clunky and dragged out. Is there any way to consolidate this into something shorter and more to the point? I personally view a prologue as something more akin to poetry than prose, for some reason. I think it's the outline of your text as well as the hook, and looking at it from a poetic perspective gives you the ability to keep it concise and powerful. I think that one way to go about that is something to go with those final sentences, like “Often, we sit back and regret those insignificant decisions. We pray to whatever deity we believe in to turn time back, to erase the shape our destiny took on. But it will never happen.” That's a poor example, but I think you can definitely get rid of some of it to create something more dynamic.

I moan in pretend satisfaction as Kyle puts his fingers inside my vagina. I may be a shy actress on stage, but when it comes to acting off stage, it’s so damn good that no one can ever tell it’s acting. I don’t know why I do it. I don’t know why I’m putting up with letting this near stranger touch me in places that should be private. It just seemed the next natural step after we made out for so long. I make sure my moans are synchronized with the action of his fingers and increase my pitch as his fingers move up and down faster.

I don't think “pretend satisfaction” is getting your point across. It feels weak. I think the paragraph moves better without that first sentence entirely. When you just mentioned “actress” and “acting” in the same sentence, a second “acting” seems really redundant. As for “in places that should be private”, I think that “in private places” or just leaving it out would improve this paragraph. Are you missing a 'like' between “seemed” and “the”? Actually, "the next natural step" seems rather awkward and not very natural at all. Something like "It just seemed natural" flows much better.

“Action” is a rather bland word. What exactly is he doing with his fingers? Maybe he's awkward, and just kind of poking around? Rubbing? Making little shapes? Who knows? You're already delving into sexually explicit material, so don't be afraid to use image-evoking words. Of course, remember to avoid cliches, but don't let the content keep you from being imaginative.

I think it's a shocking opening paragraph, but clearly it's not just for shock factor. I like the introspection of the narrator. The detail about synchronizing her moans is hilarious, for some reason, but also incredibly intelligent of her. She seems like someone who pays attention to detail and notices the little things. I hope you bring out that quality of hers in future chapters.

I turn around and face him. I can feel his erection touching my skin, it’s my turn now. I stroke his penis. It’s thicker than the ones I’ve seen before, larger. Many girls say that this is a good thing. I could care less. I put it inside my mouth. It’s easier that way.

Like eldermimmi, I noticed the lack of variation in sentence subject. Here is where it's most apparent. See how most of these sentences start with “I” or “it's”? After a while, it creates a repetitive, plodding feel. While it certainly plays up her indifference to the situation, I think you can also add in or change a few sentences to make it a little more interesting to the reader. I see some potential for a sentence after she mentions his erection on her skin. What does that feel like to her? You definitely seem to want to show her as being apathetic about the situation, so maybe go with more technical details. Saying that it's bigger and larger was a great detail. Add another one in there! Maybe it's warm, invasive, something. I think that you could strike out that sentence starting with “many girls” because the following sentence effectively shows what she's thinking, and it's kind of general knowledge that people think a bigger penis is better.

He comes quickly, something for which I’m almost thankful. I run and rinse out my mouth in his bathroom. Put my clothes back on. Look at him. He looks at me. An awkward situation.

Why is she only “almost thankful”? Why isn't she very thankful? Is it because she kind of enjoyed it? Or is it because she can't even bring herself to care enough to be thankful? I think that's an important missing detail that would bring out more of your character's personality. I'm not a fan of that latter section. It seems too simple and it doesn't bring out that awkward situation you're looking for. Maybe you need more details there as well. I think here is a great place to explore Kyle more. Is he apologetic for the situation they're in as the respective third wheels and gives her a half-hearted smile? Is he shy and new to this, so he looks away quickly? Even if he's a minor character, saying something about him could possibly say more about her. Also, later you mention he's "socially awkward". It might be better just to explicitly mention the awkward quality once and just show us this in little details.

I walk out and see Annie and Cody on the couch. They’re both shirtless. I want to leave. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be involved in this, it’s too much.

Walk out of where? The bedroom? Whose bedroom? Kyle's? Or Kyle's parents? Or goodness, the kitchen? Play up on the setting more. The narrator might be more interested in the surroundings than what's going on on the couch. That would definitely add to her feelings of discomfort and wanting to leave. If she can't leave, then maybe she'll just direct her attention elsewhere.

I did it all for Annie, though. She asked me to hook up with Kyle so that she could hook up with Cody and it wouldn’t be awkward. I agreed to do it. I didn’t think things would get this far. We went with the flow. The flow took us too far.

I think you can get rid of those sentences. Of course the narrator agreed, we just saw that she gave the guy a blowjob. The second part seems like a half-hearted attempt at a metaphor that doesn't really mesh well with the situation.

Me and Annie do not leave for another three hours. She makes me stay with Kyle while she’s with Cody. Kyle plays me a lot of songs from his computer and even plays me a song on his guitar. He seems to be a nice person, if a bit socially awkward.

If you didn't mention Annie, that first sentence would say “Me does not leave...” Since she is the subject, “Annie and I” is better grammar. The repetition of 'plays me' here isn't serving any particular purpose, so I think it'd be better to cut one out.

Again, I really like this detail about what she and Kyle do afterward, but I think it would fare better with some expansion and opinion. Does the narrator enjoy this time, listening to music, more than the making out? Or does this not really matter to her either? What do they talk about in that space of time? They clearly don't know each other well, and he's socially awkward, so does she have to forward the conversation with small talk? Or does she not care and just let him do what he wants?

I shake my head and sigh. When did I get to the point where I perform oral sex on people I don’t really know?

Considering the following paragraph, I just don't see this as necessary.

A year ago in January, I was still a virgin. I was convinced that sex is a sacred thing that should only be shared between two people that are in love. I thought that drinking was okay, if it is done occasionally. Now, I was getting wasted, lying to my parents and sleeping around with boys I did not know anything about. I was a slag. Yes, I had been a straight A student who never lied to her parents, came home early and did not drink. But that child was gone. I was a slag now, and I knew exactly what had corrupted me. It hurt to think. Or to remember.

I think that since she previously thought of sex as a sacred thing, changing the 'is' to 'was' is a good choice. I think those other bits should be removed simply because they hinder the flow of the paragraph.

As for the character, it seems rather cliché at the moment. Straight-A student to slag? While it's perfectly fine to use an archetype initially, just remember that you need to develop her character to be more than just a cardboard cutout. Along the way, make sure that the temptations are not typical and that she has every reason to succumb to them. She can still be a partier and a straight-A student at this point, so don't rule that out as a possible direction for her. I'm also curious as to how drugs play into her life now. Clearly she drinks and has sex, but has she dabbled or frequently used drugs yet? Or does she consider that past her moral beliefs? Just some things to consider in the future, considering how sex, drugs, and alcohol are very intermingled.

I'm really intrigued by her attention to detail and general apathy though. I think you have a great source of potential there. Has she always been that way, and something just sparked her to try something new? But this scene isn't working out for her either? Or is this apathy a signal of depression, and that's the direction you're going in? You mention how she's been corruption, and I'm curious if that is simply a corruption of that stereotype she used to be, or a true corruption of her identity as a person.

All in all, this is a great, interesting prologue. My general recommendation is to work on character development and exposition through adding details. At the same time, cut out the things that are unnecessary. It sounds a bit contradictory, but you'll find the right balance with practice.

Sorry, in the space that I've been gone from YWS, I've become someone more attuned to poetry so I apologize about the constant urge to consolidate. However, even in prose, when you pay attention to each and every phrase, you create a stronger and more vibrant piece. My favorite book at the moment, Invisible Man definitely does that. Ralph Ellison writes, “And sometimes I listen to hear if music reaches that far, but recall only the drunken laughter of sad, sad whores.” It's a powerful sentence, because every word matters. He uses the word 'sad' twice, and it twists the knife in a little farther. I wouldn't take out a single word in that sentence.

Ah, what a long review. I hope you found some helpful tidbits in it though. I apologize if anything sounded callous, please let me know if it did. I truly did enjoy reading this, and I'd love to read other chapters Keep working on it though, it's chock full of potential

Best of luck,
octo

Well... I guess I should have headed your warning... the opening part did... disturb me... I've never read something so graphic :O hehe... I feel naughty XD

But anywho...

He comes quickly, something for which I’m almost thankful. I run and rinse out my mouth in his bathroom. Put my clothes back on. Look at him. He looks at me. An awkward situation.

Er... green words, I don't know what that means exactly (don't feel obliged to inform me... I'm an innocent child alright!)... but besides that, I feel like this paragraph wraps up the... the first part sort of hurriedly, and I don't like how it's formatted, all in short sentances. Was she still in the bathroom when she put her clothes back on? What about when they exchanged looks? If she goes back to the bedroom (they were in a bedroom, right?), I would definitely add that, and some more details would be nice as well.

I did it all for Annie, though. She asked me to hook up with Kyle so that she could hook up with Cody and it wouldn’t be awkward. I agreed to do it. I didn’t think things would get this far. We went with the flow. The flow took us too far.

Somewhere in here, I want you to tell me how the narrator knows Annie. Is she an old friend? A new friend? Someone she had met at the same time she met Kyle, or what? I liked the green part... I don't know, it was just a cool way of putting what you were saying...

I was a slag.

I didn't like this statement... you call her a "slag"... which sounds like it's a censor for a word more like... slut? Whore? Skank?... um, but, I don't know... Okay, so, I looked the word up on urban dictionary, and it turns out slag means something worse then what I thought, so I guess there isn't anything wrong with that really...

Okie dai, so, this was alright... I'm interested to see what this is going to end up being after I read the prologue, and considering the title... I think it moved a tad fast for me, and, yes, it was... probablt too mature for my liking, but I urge you to keep writing, and I'm looking forward to chapter one.

Uhg... I didn't read the really long review before mine... hopfully I made some points she didn't... I hope this helped!

--
Tabby

First off, wow! W-O-W!

Your first paragraph was good and well written. I found myself nodding in agreement.

Now the second paragraph was where I gasped and felt dirty and blushed. You did warn us about the sexuality, but I didn't expect it to be so graphic.

But the sex aside, I really like it! It was a good set up to the more I'm sure to come! I find the MC interesting and likable as you find yourself wondering how she went from smart girl to...Slag.

Good job, can't wait to read more!

Wheadee

Hey there!

I'm Tanya. I was stalking Azila's thread and saw why she refused this piece. It of course made me curious and I decided to come check it out for myself.

Wow. You weren't kidding. At first, I was going to suggest you use another word for 'vagina' that might fit better, but after reading the rest of the piece, I realised it fit perfectly with your mc.

Great job on bringing her to life. Now, I'm really curious.

Tanya

Hi Stel!

Thanks for the request -- I apologize for this being late! Anyhoo. I think you have a great start so far and have planted interesting seeds as far as character development and conflict go, and I can see you developing them into something very interesting. I like how you end this and sort of leave us on the edge of what your narrator is going through. There's a lot of various questions raised in this short beginning in terms of the story. I'm curious to read on and see what happens to your narrator, why she became the way she is.

That being said, I would like to see more emotion in this piece. It's lacking pretty much all throughout. Since this a prologue, you want to be vague and not give away to much, but you also have to give the reader emotional investment and grab them so they will stay for the entire ride. Take your opening line. Its nature was somewhat of a detractor for me, as it was explicit without complementing the story, really, or bringing us in to what the characters are thinking and feeling.

Instead of just having your heroine "moan in pretend satisfaction", why not cycle through her thoughts? Is she confused because she thinks she should be happy, but isn't? Or, if she's already sure of how she feels, why is she still doing what she is doing? I'd like to know where they are while this is happening as well. How exactly did she get into this after very different teenage years? You seem to imply that Annie is responsible, but I'm not sure if this what you were intending. I wouldn't wait until the very end to fill us in on your narrator's past; I would maybe allude to it and then explain it in full toward the end.

Overall, I think this could be really good and that you just need to develop it a little more. Hope this helps -- feel free to message me if you have any questions or if this review was insufficient.

~ Elinor

first off i'd just like to say, that the title is amazingly well placed, also i like the story, it is rather graphic but i have personal beliefs that a writer should not have boundries! nice way to prove that hehe, anyway the story is really good, and the way it ended does keep the people curious enough to read on, very well done