abiotic

it’s a bit like clockwork, the way she
moves through the quadrants of her tidy
little life, a whirring of gears and minutiae and little things
no one ever thinks of, a bit like eight
fifteen in the evening when the chopsticks click
haphazard and helpless over bland takeout
left over from noon while the alarm
blinks red and broken and
tireless.

sometimes she makes lists. here is the car at the door,
here is the frost on the doorstep, the ice on the stairway.
here is the dumb generator that won’t shut up, and there,
by the road, is the sign that tells exactly how far
away humanity is. here

are the sounds i heard the TV make, a
confused cacophony of phonemes and empty
rhetoric, and this now is the warm tremble of
the coffee machine as it
drips drips drips its daily dose of
sleep deficiency, and there is this also, and this—

and
at night the faucet gurgles like a child and
the dying lightbulb flickers over the
dirty bathroom tiles, makes them gleam like swift
pale birds against a gunmetal sky, and

she watches them through the crack in the door,
shivers under the worn covers. she tries to say something
but her voice cracks, so she reaches for the pen,
and then for the warm secret space behind the headboard.

in her journal she writes
Dear diary, today I
gave the car a name, so I would have
someone to
talk to.

First of all, I love your work. I've told you before, but I just love the style with which you write-- it's always very simple, but so effective and weaves such a fluid and unbreakable picture. Okay. Enough gushing. Sorry.

fifteen in the evening when the chopsticks click
haphazard and helpless over bland takeout

So far, the character that you're spinning sounds almost OCD by how meticulous she is, especially with the comparison to clockwork. It's like "everything must be just so, and must work like this, or else the machine breaks". Takeout doesn't really fit in that picture, at least it doesn't to me. I have several friends who are perfectionists, who are ridiculously meticulous, and they would much rather go to the store and cook food for themselves than get takeout, especially order too much takeout and have leftovers. It just doesn't fit in their personality. Maybe I read your character wrong, but that's what I took from it.

here is the dumb generator that won’t shut up

This stanza was excellent (heck, this whole poem was excellent), but I especially liked this line. Again, I don't know if I read the character wrong, and it seems like it would be more of a nuisance than "dumb generator", and more like something that was seriously wrong, but this line DOES bring a lot. It brings a sense of humanity and personality and simple depth to the language.

are the sounds i heard the TV make, a

First of all, the rhythm here was a bit too odd for me. I would have preferred to have the "here" in this stanza rather than the last. If you don't feel like doing that, I think that you could also put the "are" up with the last stanza as well. Another thing: you switched from third to first person for a moment.




Okay: so a little bit more gushing. You descriptions are incredible; the emotion that you somehow slip into all that imagery is fantastic as well. You end the piece on an excellent note as well. There were just a couple of things that I thought could be changed, but those were more nitpicks than anything else. Excellent piece.

-Coral-

Just awesome!I loved it. Keep em coming!

Beautiful--sorry if this is a terrible review, but really touching and lovely!!!!!!

I can't really say anything about this poem without giving a full on analysis, and I'm not too great at those.

However, I did like the stanza that ended with "Here" because it sort of added to it; I can't exactly explain how, though.

Also, the final part is just absolute brilliance. It surprises the reader in a touching way, without being overly dramatic. It's incredible, and hopefully you can find a way for all of your poems to do that.

All in all, it is great, but needs polish (essentially only with capitalization and perhaps grammar too?) so keep writing and good luck!

Hi... I really really loved the poem you wrote!!! it was wonderful!!!! Keep up the nice work!!

Okay, so this is what you were talking about! Anyway, just one really short note... I thought it was weird that you capitalized TV but not I. The i is forgivable, perhaps, but the TV just seems odd because it really isn't mentioned anymore besides those couple of lines. It's just there to set up a scene. So take a look at that!

Still, I love the poem.

Okay, so I'm totally not going to review this. Just praise. And fawn. And gush. And--nevermind.

Basically you are a genius. This poem was so real, yet so dreamlike, and the ending especially is just heartbreaking. I love it!!!

Well, this woman definitely have OCD. I love your wording in this. It gave me that haphazard, crazy sense in this. I learned a new word from this! I don't think it needs the capatilization in this, otherwise it would ruin the craziness of this poem. I liked the list in it, especially the dumb generator. That made me laugh, seriously.

The ending made me a little sad though. Truely a beautiful peice, dear.

Wow, this is amazing.
I don't think I really have anything helpful to offer. I will say that I loved the unobtrusive rhythm in your words. It's really beautiful. Also, you create such a strong character in such a short time! I loved it.
Other than that all I've got is: 'like', 'follow' (stalk).

Please keep writing! Because I want to read more!

-pigeon

Aw, that was sad, at the end. But the whole thing was beautiful. The only thing that kind of bothered me was the way you broke up some of the lines, especially on the rare occasion that you had a one-word line. It seemed to interrupt the flow. Otherwise this was a beautiful poem, and your diction was impressive and refreshing. (One does tire after a while of hearing people say things like, "You use big words!" What? That word was two syllables. It wasn't big. It WASN'T BIG!!!)

~Blue

Oh my gosh. Curse you, why do you write so well?! This has got to be one of the best poems I've read. Taking out all the capitilisations was extremely effective in conveying the dull, monotonous sort of mood that the poem had (well, that's what I found it to be like). Your use of enjambment was spectacular. You seem to be able to write in such a great way that I can imagine and almost feel everything in my mind.

Okay, enough of that! Here are my favourite lines :

it’s a bit like clockwork, the way she
moves through the quadrants of her tidy
little life, a whirring of gears and minutiae and little things
no one ever thinks of, a bit like eight
fifteen in the evening when the chopsticks click

Great use of enjambment here - it gives a good visual display of the whirring gears of her life. Also, I found that I could almost hear the chopsticks clicking in my head. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe you're brilliant. Maybe it's both.

here is the dumb generator that won’t shut up

I love love LOVE this. Favourite bit of all time!

and this now is the warm tremble of
the coffee machine as it
drips drips drips its daily dose of
sleep deficiency

This was highly evocative of sensory imagery here. The alliterated 'd's in the last two lines were very effective; they conveyed the sound of the dripping coffee machine well. My favourite part was at the end: "daily dose of/Sleep deficiency". I don't know why, but it was just brilliant.

in her journal she writes
Dear diary, today I
gave the car a name, so I would have
someone to
talk to.

You ended this poem beautifully.

and there,
by the road, is the sign that tells exactly how far
away humanity is

Favorite excerpt, right there.

I'm not much of a poetry writer, so this is an uninformed opinion, but the periods sort of bugged me. They were so few and far between and placed in such odd spots that they sort of jarred me. They made me notice the lack of punctuation everywhere else even more and rather than add an effect, it kind of needled me.

But seriously, I loved this.

Yes, mostly adding to the long string of "omigoodness, so good, have nothing else to say" reviews because this is marvelous and I suck at reviewing poetry. I just didn't think a mere clicking of the *like* button was sufficient.

~GryphonFledgling

i thought this poem was awesome! Great job! I've never read a poem like this before. it was very interesting and neat. keep it up!

It was lovely.

it’s a bit like clockwork, the way she Okay i absolutely love the first two lines. A good hook.
moves through the quadrants of her tidy
little life, a whirring of gears and minutiae and little things
no one ever thinks of, a bit like eight I love how these next five lines relate to everyday people. How we all have those days.
fifteen in the evening when the chopsticks click
haphazard and helpless over bland takeout
left over from noon while the alarm
blinks red and broken and
tireless.

sometimes she makes lists. here is the car at the door,
here is the frost on the doorstep, the ice on the stairway.
here is the dumb generator that won’t shut up, and there,
by the road, is the sign that tells exactly how far
away humanity is. here

are the sounds i heard the TV make, a
confused cacophony of phonemes and empty
rhetoric, and this now is the warm tremble of
the coffee machine as it
drips drips drips its daily dose of The drips drips drips doesn't sound right to me. I don't think drips works maybe if you tried something like drip drip drips.
sleep deficiency, and there is this also, and this— YES!

and
at night the faucet gurgles like a child and
the dying lightbulb flickers over the
dirty bathroom tiles, makes them gleam like swift
pale birds against a gunmetal sky, and Kind of a confusing line. Birds gleam? I see what you were going for but it may not have been the right word.

she watches them through the crack in the door,
shivers under the worn covers. she tries to say something I love this detail!
but her voice cracks, so she reaches for the pen,
and then for the warm secret space behind the headboard. Same as before! I really like how this detail adds to the mood.

in her journal she writes
Dear diary, today I
gave the car a name, so I would have
someone to
talk to. I'm going to cry this part was so sad! Excellent way to end it though!

Beautiful piece! Amazing! Please write more I love it!