Respectfully Moving On

When Gwen departed she said "my dear,
We've been together fifty year.
Don't let that stop you, when I am gone,
From respectfully moving on.
I'll rest easier, honest and true,
If someone's looking after you.
'Loving wife' - remember me as such,
As I do love you very much,
But when you no longer see my face
Let another woman take my place."

My Gwen was only seventy-three
The day she was taken from me.
I thought it was terribly unkind
That I remained here - left behind.
But, after visiting her grave twice,
I tried to follow Gwen's advice.

I gazed on every woman alive
(Some were as young as sixty-five!)
And though many moved with poise and grace
I could not find that lovely face.
Although I was searching all the while,
Nowhere could I perceive her smile.
The more that I looked, the more I learned
It was, only, for Gwen I yearned.

Although Gwen's advice was kindly meant,
There will be no 'happy event'
I swear I will take no second wife,
I'll wait betimes, through any strife,
To see my first, in second life.



I wrote this in a rush, and at midnight so it's very rough. I'm not terribly happy with the ending; it didn't all seem to quite fit together. I'm not sure about the title either. Any advice or constructive criticisms you have about those or any other part of the poem would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading!

-pigeon

I enjoyed this very much! i would try and stretch out the man's pain of trying to find another woman. The last stanza is a quick change in flow. It through me for a loop a little bit but I think the piece is excellent, don't get me wrong! keep up the writing!

This is quite a good piece, though maybe the first stanza is slightly 'out' in my opinion as I stand slightly confused as from whose point of view is this written. I know the clue is in the first line, yet to me a good poem is one that is clearly understood without the emphasis of just one line.

What I would do for the first stanza is write on Gwen's life, or Gwen's struggle, or something like that.
Maybe:

I stared into her beautiful blue eyes,
And I couldn't stop the tears as I started to cry,
Memories of the past vivid in my mind,
As I held her hand strong in mine,
Her time was coming, she was close to the light,
But I could not help hoping, praying for her life.
I watched as she slowly parted her lips,
And she softly and calmly said this:

My dear,
We've been together for fifty years,
Don't let that stop you, when I am gone,
From respectfully moving on.
I'll rest easier, honest and true,
If someone's looking after you.
'Loving wife' - remember me as such,
As I do love you very much,
But when you no longer see my face
Let another woman take my place."

Asides that, This is a very good piece that can really build on to become a very good writer.

Good Luck!!

Hello there! A pleasure to meet you

This is a little rough around the edges huh? There's a nice touch of humour in there and something generally heart-warming about it, but there's a lot that needs tweaking.

Let's start with the title then since you're uncertain about it. For me, it reads a little long and not quite memorable or snappy enough. Now, it doesn't have to be short to be both of those things, a prime example being the novel, 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?' which is wacky and has rhythm, therefore making it easier to remember. The line's also much stronger within the poem itself: in context it has humour and a sort of grace. On its own, it's flat, confusing and a little hard to get your head around.

This is the point where I admit I haven't any amazing suggestions. You could maybe toy with the phrase 'passed away' or perk some interest with the mention of corpse or a slight implication of necrophilia? You could go with something mild like Longing for the Dead where the pun may or may not be there Or you could go with something a little more outrageous like Wood for the Funeral Pyre or I Only Kiss Corpses or simply Kissing Corpses. Don't be afraid to be a little vague in your titles. Anyway! I shall leave that with you ^^

Now then! The poem. I'll start with a line by line and then cover the main issues in a little more detail...

When Gwen departed she said "my dear, [Not the strongest first line. You could mix it up a bit to: 'When departing, Gwen said, "My dear -' which is a little bit better but maybe play around with it some.]
We've been together fifty year.
Don't let that stop you, when I am gone,
From respectfully moving on. [I like this line but the others in between are a little stiff. I think there's nothing wrong with the wordding itself, what you need is some more filler. She needs to say a little more about their time together before she drops the bomb-shell. You can use that too reveal more of her personality. Would she alude to them fooling around in the hay loft? Or stealing his mother's apple pie? It needn't be long but just something a little more meaty that makes Gwen more of a person and not a cardboard cut out.]
I'll rest easier, honest and true,
If someone's looking after you.
'Loving wife' - remember me as such, [This line sounds forced.]
As I do love you very much, [As does this one! It made me cringe a little, I think it's the extra little words like 'I do' and 'very'. If it was simply 'As I love you very much' it wouldn't be so bad.]
But when you no longer see my face [A bit unoriginal. Think of other ways to say she's departed. Be more descriptive, more personal. Like you could mention a favourite chair he'll not see her sitting in or that she'll no longer serve him eggs on toast with spaghetti on the side.]
Let another woman take my place."

My Gwen was only seventy-three
The day she was taken from me. [You and I are going to talk about these bubble-gum rhymes later...]
I thought it was terribly unkind
That I remained here - left behind.
But, after visiting her grave twice,
I tried to follow Gwen's advice. [I like the progression of the story, you're working with a good theme here.]

I gazed on every woman alive
(Some were as young as sixty-five!) [Nice touch of humour.]
And though many moved with poise and grace
I could not find that lovely face.
Although I was searching all the while,
Nowhere could I perceive her smile.
The more that I looked, the more I learned
It was, only, for Gwen I yearned. [I'd like to see more detail in this section, descriptions of some of the places and women. It would add more character to the piece.]

Although Gwen's advice was kindly meant,
There will be no 'happy event'
I swear I will take no second wife,
I'll wait betimes, through any strife,
To see my first, in second life.[I rather like the last line and the ending in general. I felt you ended better than you began actually.]

Rhyme: First, it doesn't have to rhyme so you should stop and ask yourself why you want it to. If it's to mimic a certain style, create humour or any other valid reason, then good. You're thinking about it at least. Next, you need your rhymes too be more smooth. At the moment they jump out and are shouting look! We rhyme! Single syllable rhyming is often known as bubble-gum rhyming and it's too simple to be pulled off successfully anywhere other than in nursery rhymes and the like. Aim to use half rhymes or more complex, two syllable rhymes. You'll find they blend into your piece better. Also, get that rhythm right! It will help the flow an awful lot. By the way, this doesn't mean no single syllable rhymes. You can sneak one or two in, just, not many okay?

Rhythm: If you're writing in rhyming couplets, you should try to make the syllables in each set of lines add up to the same. It's even better if you have the same number in every set or every other set, but start with something more basic. What I mean is your first two lines should each have 8 syllables. The first line is one too long. One reason my line reads a little more smoothlyy is that it's 8 syllables. You don't necessarily have to do this but be aware when you write of the beat of your lines. If you can hear it naturally, awesome! If not, count syllables and you'll start to get better at knowing without counting when a line is off or not.

Originality: I've covered this quite a bit already but basically, always ask yourself what makes these characters unique? How in your poem can you show these characters as individuals for your reader to connect to? Characterisation is important in both poetry and novels so don't forget to give them their own tones and personalities.

Well that's all for now! You've got a good grasp on context and just need to practice the methods of poetry and it's best to take things a step at a time. If you've got any questions or would like some further help, feel free to get in touch. Just drop me a PM with a query or another poem and I'd be happy to help out

Heather xxxx

the poem makes me feel like its a true story you've been inspired to write about and it's really nice. I agree with the ending, well the old man could live reminiscing their beautiful memories while sharing it with his grandchildren and he wouldn't feel unhappy at all.

When Gwen departed she said "my dear,
We've been together fifty year.

maybe you just forgot to add the s in year.

beautiful poem with a beautiful story..

Hey! I really like the tone to this, it's very emotional and well-written. Two nit-picks though, I think you don't need any commas at all in this line: "It was, only, for Gwen I yearned", and "fifty year" sounds weird without the s on the end. I think you used your rhyming scheme really well and it didn't sound forced, just sort of springy, like the guy is trying to move on, he's really trying to be happy. It adds to the tone. Keep writing more stuff like this, it's good!

I really liked this poem. It was nice.
I also liked the structure as it kept flowing and the detail was nice, It was simple yet strong, made me smile and feel part of it. I felt like I was watching it happening. It was magical and moving.
I especially liked:

As I do love you very much,
But when you no longer see my face
Let another woman take my place."

it was beautiful.
Well done!

Hey Pigeon3,

This poem is better than you think! If this is what you write when you're rushing, then what you write when you're not rushing must be amazing! This is truly what a narrative poem should be, the emotion and storyline is explained incredibly well, and the rhyming scheme is mature and fits the poem perfectly.

I love the mix of sadness with a hint of humor. "Some were as young as sixty-five!" - hilarious! I do agree with you on that you could improve your ending, it just doesn't seem like a verse to end with, if you get what I'm saying. But it flowed amazingly well and made perfect sense!

Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf