Hazel-chapter 4

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Sunlight streamed into Hazel's room, and she opened her eyes, blinking against the seemingly harsh light. She pushed the covers of herself and set her feet on the cold floor. Pushing her cold feet into slippers, Hazel walked over to the library. Adalyn sat on the floor, night dress rumpled and her short curls a tangled, frizzy halo. She yawned.
"Good morning"
Hazel laughed. It might be fun having another girl around.
"Come on" Hazel pulled Adalyn off the floor, a leather bound book falling on the floor. "Time to get ready"
She reluctantly stood up, straightening her gown. Together the two walked into Hazel's room. Hazel walked by, but Adalyn stopped abruptly.
"Were did that basket come from" She asked, Pointing to a wicker basket on the floor.
"Oh, that’s our breakfast, Auntie sent it up" Hazel answered nonchalantly, still walking towards the door. She walked strait into a room on the other side of her bedroom. It was somewhat like a bathroom and somewhat like a dressing room. Adalyn had no clue what to call it.
"Adalyn, would you like to bathe first?" Hazel asked, beckoning at a porcelain bathtub.
Adalyn looked longingly at the bathtub, wanting more than anything to shed her clothes and jump in. She looked over at Hazel. Hazel Laughed, reading the young girls mind.
"I won't look, I promise, but come here first, It's better if your hair is not tangled when too get in It hurts more to brush it when it's wet.
Adalyn slowly walked over to the chair Hazel was standing by. Hazel picked up the brush and helped it through Adalyn's tangled mass of curls. Hazel tried her best to be gentle, and I took nearly no time at all. Adalyn looked over at Hazel. She nodded knowingly and faced the chair in the opposite direction of the bathtub and sat down. Adalyn shed her night dress and walked over to the tub. She stepped onto the little stool and tested the water with her toe. She climbed over the side and slid into the warm, bubbly, lavender scented water. She dipped her head under and stayed there for a few seconds. When she rose, gasping for breath, Hazel nearly turned around and the sound of heavy breathing.
"I'm alright." she said hurriedly, not wanting Hazel to turn around. She never let anyone see her body. The last time somebody saw her naked was when she was a baby. She silently gave a sigh of relief.
Adalyn quickly washed her body and her hair, then stepped out onto the stone floor and wrapped herself in a big towel. Her wet hair dripped onto the floor, and she shivered.
"Dry of Adalyn and put on your underclothes, I won't be long. Adalyn looked away when she undressed and went over to a different side of the circular room. She dried off and put on her shift. She was still rubbing her hair when she heard Hazel step out of the bath. She fingered her slightly damp hair until she was sure Hazel was ready. She turned around to face Hazel, dressed in a shift, her long, dry hair trailing behind her like a long tail.
"It's too long to wash, some how, it stays clean. Probably has something to do with the enchantment." Hazel grumbled.
Adalyn blinked. enchantment? Maybe Hazel wasn't as dull as Adalyn had thought.
"What enchantment?" Adalyn enquired, always eager to learn more about this cursed tower magic, so she could break the spell.
"Oh, it's nothing" Hazel responded with a laugh, tinted with fear. "I don't know why I said that, It's just a silly thought."
Adalyn wasn't giving up this easy.
"Hazel, enchantments are serious, You cant lie about them." She was lying of course, but she hoped Hazel wouldn't be able to tell.
" I thought Aurialla cast an enchantment to make my hair grow faster, and to make it so I couldn’t cut it. I don't know why my necklace won't let me cut it, but they're has to be a good reason or Auntie wouldn't do it. She would never hurt me."
Hazel looked flustered and red, like a small child after a tantrum. She composed herself with a few shaky breaths and her coloring returned to normal.
"Lets get dressed, shall we?" She asked in a surprisingly calm voice
Hazel plucked a turquoise gown with a square, but high neckline, multiple puffs in the sleeve, a high waist, and a narrow but split skirt with a white underskirt. Adalyn nodded. She sat down and Hazel tightened her corset, while Adalyn tried not to squirm. The dress slid over Adalyn's head and she enjoyed the fell of the silky fabric. She tightened Hazel's corset in turn, and laced the back of her's together. She wore a dress similar too Adalyn's, but in purple and silver, with a lower neckline.
Hazel looked at Adalyn "May I fix your hair Adalyn? I know something that would look very pretty"
Adalyn sat down, and Hazel started twisting curls and adding shining pins with flowers or animals at the ends.
"your name is very pretty Adalyn. It mean's "noble kind". A strange name for a peasant daughter. You are a princess here though, so it doesn't matter. I am named after my mothers eyes. It is also a tree, so I guess I'm named after a plant too." She laughed, sounding identical to their mother.
A plant. Well, she's close. thought Adalyn. The Rapunzel plant is Queen Amaria's favorite food, and close to all she would eat when she was pregnant with Rapunzel. When she was delirious from pain during labor, she claimed that her daughter would be named Rapunzel or she would never eat again. The king told all that the crown princess you’d be named Rapunzel, event though Amaria was ashamed afterwards. They chose a more royal name the second time.
"Done" Adalyn turned around and saw her hair pinned with flowers and braids, while still falling down to her chin. She looked like a princess again. Hazel smiled
“You look beautiful. Would you like to go eat now?” She asked. Adalyn nodded, listening to the noises her stomach was making. They sat on the floor next to the basket and Hazel lifted the lid and Adalyn eyed the treasures that laid inside. Breads crunchy on the outside and soft in the middle lay in big loaves. Hunks of goat and cow cheese sat next to wrapped parcels of venison, rabbit, and goose. Juicy breakfast sausages and kippers sat tantalizingly. Flasks and wine were full to bursting. While Adalyn stared at the food, Hazel walked over to a cupboard and pulled out plates, cups and knives. She managed not to drop anything, but came close a few times. They piled food onto their plates and filled their glasses with wine. Adalyn wasn't sure even the castle food was this good, of course, Head chef Maina was getting old. The two devoured the food.
"Kiria has outdone herself this time." Hazel said after she swallowed.
"Kiria?"Another name Adalyn was unfamiliar with
"Oh, Aurialla'a chef. She used to work for the king of Gilmore" Hazel said, obvious pride in her voice
"Why doesn't she anymore?"Adalyn asked suspiciously
"Oh, she was sent with Auntie."
Adalyn felt a new kind of sympathy for this Kiria. She wondered how she was forced to come, since she certainly wasn't sent her with that women. The food disappeared fast and soon the two were left with nothing but a few crumbs and full stomachs. They just sat for a while, not talking. Adalyn look out the window into the forest, sure of the fact that it's silence was not a good sign. Soon, Hazel stood up and smoothed her skirts.
"Do you like to paint?"
Adalyn sat there. No. She didn't like to paint. The smell made her nauseas and the oils took forever to wash off.
"I'm not any good at, and I, um, don't want to ruin your dress."
"That's fine Adalyn, Do you like music?"
Adalyn smiled. She did like music. She lived her life in the music room in the castle, spending hours playing her beloved pianoforte. But would a peasant girl be able to play a pianoforte? Were they something only rich people could afford? Hazel laughed again, and Adalyn automatically felt as if she was at home, listening to her mother.
"I'm sorry, they probably don't have instruments were you are from. Oh, I feel like such a goose."
Adalyn wondered if this would be what having a sister would be like. Having fun times, and then wanting to strangle her.
"How about we...." Hazel tapped her chin. "Just talk?"
Adalyn figured Hazel would just chatter away, so she nodded.
Hazel smiled. "Hmm, well. I lived here all my life. My parents names are Elias and Beatra, but that is a long story. I never knew them. Aurialla saved me when I was a baby, and I lived in the main castle until I was twelve. Your age Adalyn. Then Aurialla moved my room to the tower. I've lived my life here since. With only my servants, well, and Sonya of course. As if on cue, the sleek gray cat curled around Hazel's body, meowing softly. It felt to Adalyn that Hazel chatted on for hours, and her point was proved when Aurialla walked in from the library carrying a new wicker basket.
Last edited by Piper on Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland




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Uhhh.......it's.......okay.
The thing with the hair seems kind of random, and why would she be afraid just because her hair stayed clean and she couldn't cut it? Is it a big deal or has Auriella somehow made it painfully clear that the hair is not to be messed with? I just don't get it.
Besides that, you have grammar errors and the occasional spelling error, but those are normal so...no biggie.
So yeah, it's going okay. So far. :P
Rite on squirt. :P
I would never share my candy with you. You're not crazy enough.
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Good, good. Yeah, you just have a few grammatical errrors which you'll catch when you rewrite. I don't know if it's just me but Haze's personality seems off. SHe seems more....nice? It's not a bad thing I guess it just seems off from what I've thought of her. Probably because I have to go back and re-read. Also, everything seems so calm here. There's not really any emotion besides calm. Ok, I'll go on to the more indepth detailing.

Sunlight streamed into Hazel's room, and she opened her eyes, blinking against the seemingly harsh light. She pushed the covers off herself and set her feet on the cold floor. Pushing her cold feet intoa pair of (and if they're fuzzy you should say so. Though it's up to you.) slippers, Hazel walked over to the libraryWhy did she walk into the library. Did she know Adalyn was there? And if so, why was she looking for her. Show what's on her mind when she wakes up.. Adalyn sat on the floor, night dress rumpled and her short curls a tangled, frizzy halo. Who yawned?She yawned.
"Good morning"Who said it? I'm guessing it's Adalyn but it's not clear.
Hazel laughed. It might be fun having another girl around.
"Come on" Hazel pulled Adalyn off the floor, a leather bound book falling on the floor. "Time to get ready"
She reluctantly stood up, straightening her gownWhy, reluctantly. Together the two walked into Hazel's room. Hazel walked by, but Adalyn stopped abruptly.Just a suggestion, to me I think it would be better if you switched the sentences around, "Adalyn stopped abruptly while Hazles continued to walk on by. (Or somethin' like that)
"Were did that basket come from" She asked, Pointing to a wicker basket on the floor.Why is she curious about the basket? Journey into her mind time! ^_^
"Oh, that’s our breakfast, Auntie sent it up" Hazel answered nonchalantly, still walking towards the doorWhat does she think of Adalyn's question?. She walked strait into a room on the other side of her bedroom. It was somewhat like a bathroom and somewhat like a dressing room. Adalyn had no clue what to call it.Describe it then.
"Adalyn, would you like to bathe first?" Hazel asked, beckoning at a porcelain bathtub.
But isn't she still curious about the basket. I'm suprised that she's so easily distracted.Adalyn looked longingly at the bathtub, wanting more than anything to shed her clothes and jump in. She looked over at Hazel. Hazel Laughed, reading the young girls mind.
"I won't look, I promise, but come here first, It's better if your hair is not tangled when tootake out too, put in you get in. It hurts more to brush it when it's wet.
Adalyn slowly walked over to the chair Hazel was standing bywas she reluctant?. Hazel picked up the brush and helped it through Adalyn's tangled mass of curls. Hazel tried her best to be gentleshe her hair was soft and basically smooth, I thought it was tanled would take more time? little clarity please. Please? "puppy dog face", andit took nearly no time at all. Adalyn looked over at Hazel. She nodded knowingly and faced the chair in the opposite direction of the bathtub and sat down. Adalyn shed her night dress and walked over to the tub. She stepped onto the littlewas it wooden? stool and tested the water with her toe. She climbed over the side and slid into the warm, bubbly, lavender scented waterMind indepth (what's going on in her mind). She dipped her head under and stayed there for a few secondsWhy?. When she rose, gasping for breath, Hazel nearly turned around and the sound of heavy breathing.This sentence is a little confusing. Did she turn around at the sound of heavy breathing? I'm guessing not cuz Hazel didn't turn around.
"I'm alright." she said hurriedly, not wanting Hazel to turn around. She never let anyone see her body. The last time somebody saw her naked was when she was a baby. She silently gave a sigh of relief.Is this a pet peeve of hers? Why?
Adalyn quickly washed her body and her hair, then stepped out onto the stone floor and wrapped herself in a big towel. Her wet hair dripped onto the floor, and she shivered.
"Dry of Adalyn and put on your underclothes, I won't be long." Adalyn looked away when sheUse Hazel here. undressed and went over to a different side of the circular room. She dried off and put on her shiftDescribe it. Not indepth but just a little. She was still rubbing her hair when she heard Hazel step out of the bathWell that was quick.. She fingered her slightly damp hair until she was sure Hazel was ready. She turned around to face Hazel, dressed in a shift, her long, dry hair trailing behind her like a long tail.
"It's too long to wash, some how, it stays clean. Probably has something to do with the enchantment." Hazel grumbled.
Adalyn blinked. Enchantment? Maybe Hazel wasn't as dull as Adalyn had thought.
"What enchantment?" Adalyn enquired, always eager to learn more about this cursed tower magicmagic tower or tower of magic, so she could break the spell.
"Oh, it's nothing" Hazel responded with a laugh, tinted with fear. "I don't know why I said that, It's just a silly thought."
Adalyn wasn't giving up this easy.
"Hazel, enchantments are serious, You cant lie about them." She was lying of course, but she hoped Hazel wouldn't be able to tell.
" I thought Aurialla cast an enchantment to make my hair grow faster, and to make it so I couldn’t cut it. I don't know why my necklaceWhat necklace? Why is it thrown in her all of a sudden? won't let me cut it, but they're has to be a good reason or Auntie wouldn't do it. She would never hurt me."
Hazel looked flustered and red, like a small child after a tantrum. She composed herself with a few shaky breaths and her coloring returned to normal.Why is she so flustered?
"Lets get dressed, shall we?" She asked in a surprisingly calm voice
Hazel plucked a turquoise gown with a square, but high neckline, multiple puffs in the sleeve, a high waist, and a narrow but split skirt with a white underskirtspecify that it's Adalyn's..mmmm....i think this should be a new paragraph. but idk Adalyn nodded. She sat down and Hazel tightened her corset, while Adalyn tried not to squirm. The dress slid over Adalyn's head and she enjoyed the fellfall of the silky fabric. She tightened Hazel's corset in turn, and laced the back of her's together. She wore a dress similar too Adalyn's, but in purple and silver, with a lower neckline.
Hazel looked at Adalyn "May I fix your hair Adalyn? I know something that would lookmake it look very pretty."
Adalyn sat downWhat did she think of her offer? Why did she accept? To make her feel better?, and Hazel started twisting curls and adding shining pins with flowers or animals at the ends.
"your name is very pretty Adalyn. It mean's "noble kind". A strange name for a peasant daughter. You are a princess here though, so it doesn't matter. I am named after my mothers eyes. It is also a tree, so I guess I'm named after a plant too." She laughed, sounding identical to their motherWhat does she feel or think when she hears her laughter? Does she reminisce?.
A plant. Well, she's close. thought Adalyn. The Rapunzel plant is Queen Amaria's favorite food, and close to all she would eat when she was pregnant with Rapunzel. When she was delirious from pain during labor, she claimed that her daughter would be named Rapunzel or she would never eat againhaha I like that!. The kingCapitalize King told all that the crown princess you’din the context of this sentence it should be would. be named Rapunzel, event though Amaria was ashamedI think embarrased is a better word thogh that's just me. afterwards. They chose a more royal name the second time.
"Done"Hazel said. Adalyn turned around and saw her hair pinned with flowers and braids, while still falling down to her chin. She looked like a princess again. Hazel smiled
“You look beautiful. Would you like to go eat now?” She asked.Wow, is it just me or does that sound abrupt like she doesn't care anymore. (Probably just me...XD) Adalyn nodded, listening to the noises her stomach was makingas she admired herself in the mirror, remebering days when she had been an actual princess. (somethin like that). They sat on the floor next to the basket and Hazel lifted the lid and Adalyn eyed the treasures that laid inside. Breads crunchy on the outside and soft in the middle lay in big loaves. Hunks of goat and cow cheese sat next to wrapped parcels of venison, rabbit, and goose. Juicy breakfast sausages and kipperswhat's Kippers? Just a personal question. Don't explain in the story. sat tantalizingly. Flasks and do you mean "flasks of wine?"wine were full to bursting. While Adalyn stared at the food, Hazel walked over to a cupboard and pulled out plates, cups and knives. She managed not to drop anything, but came close a few times. They piled food onto their plates and filled their glasses with wine. Adalyn wasn't sure even the castle foodthe castle food was even this great." Hmmm...that's kind of sad...maybe it's just the description. (SORRYY don't yell at me!) was this good, of course. Head chef Maina was getting old. The two devoured the food.
"Kiria has outdone herself this time." Hazel said after she swallowed.
"Kiria?"Another name Adalyn was unfamiliar with
"Oh, Aurialla'a chef. She used to work for the kingUPPERCASE! of Gilmore" Hazel said, obvious pride in her voice
"Why doesn't she anymore?"Adalyn asked suspiciously
"Oh, she was sent with Auntie."Why was she sent here? Isn't she at all the least curious? I'm talking about Adalyn.
Adalyn felt a new kind of sympathy for this Kiria. She wondered how she was forced to come, since she certainly wasn't sent here on her own free will. If she was then she must be a truly horrid woman. with that women. The food disappeared fast and soon the two were left with nothing but a few crumbs and full stomachs. They just sat for a while, not talkingtake out not talking, and use "content". again, up to you.. Adalyn look out the window into the forest, sure of the fact that it's silence was not a good signWhy the ominous sign? It seems strange to just bring it up here.. Soon,Don't need soon. Hazel stood up and smoothed her skirts.
"Do you like to paint?"
Adalyn sat therelooking down.. No. She didn't like to paint. The smell made her nauseas and the oils took forever to wash off.
"I'm not any good at it, and I, um, don't want to ruin your dress."
"That's fine Adalyntake out Adalyn. ANd what was Hazel's reaction to this? Indepth into the mind., Do you like music?"
Adalynlooked up smiling smiled. She did like music. She lived her life in theput castle here music room in the castle, spending hours playing her beloved pianoforte. But would a peasant girl be able to play a pianoforte? Were they something only rich people could afford? Hazel laughed again, and Adalyn automatically felt as if she was at home, listening to her mothershe closed her eyes, missing her, and tried to capture it in her head. (somethin like that).
"I'm sorry, they probably don't have instruments where you are from. Oh, I feel like such a goose."
Adalyn wondered if this would be what having a sister would be like. Having fun times, and then wanting to strangle herlol. So she was affronted?.
"How about we...." Hazel tapped her chin. "Just talk?"
Adalyn figured Hazel would just chatter away, so she noddedmmm...if she likes music that much don't you think she would put up more of a fight?.
Hazel smiled. "Hmm, well. I lived here all my life. My parents names are Elias and Beatra, but that is a long story. I never knew them. Aurialla saved me when I was a baby, and I lived in the main castle until I was twelve. Your age Adalyn. Then Aurialla moved my room to the tower.Does she know why? I've lived my life here since. With only my servants, well, and Sonya of course. As if on cue, the sleek gray cat curled around Hazel's body, meowing softly.Do more of a transistion. Like"Adalyn continued to talk and blah, blah-blah blah blah. It felt to Adalyn that Hazel chatted on for hours, and her point was provedproven when Aurialla walked in from the library carrying a new wicker basket.
"Time for lunch!" that would be a good way to end the "chapter"
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"




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Hi!! here for the last chapter, so far. YEA! I have enjoyed reviewing it so much!


Nitpicks:
1.
Spoiler
pushed the covers of herself

OFF herself?


2.
Spoiler
halo. She yawned.
"Good morning"
Here we go. Dialogue. Dialogue.
I have struggled with this myself, but finally mastered the rules, now it is your turn, young grasshopper (LOL)
1)
"We went to the park." Said Joan
This is wrong. It should be:
"We went to the park." said Joan

2)
"We are going to be there soon" said Mother
This is also wrong.
"We will be there soon," said Mother

3)
"We are singing!" He danced
oddly enough, this is right. Because its an ACTION. Get it?

Okay, there are basic rules for dialogue.
Here are some links that will help even more:
viewtopic.php?t=4000
viewtopic.php?t=104


3.
Spoiler
when too get in It hurts more to brush it when it's wet.

What??


4.
Spoiler
and I took nearly no time at all. Adalyn looked over at Hazel.

this suddenly went from from Hazel to I to Hazel again! NONONO! Fix it!!


5.
Spoiler
when she was a baby. She silently gave a sigh of relief.

did Hazel turn back around? You gotta say this kinda thing.


6.
Spoiler
"Dry of Adalyn and put on your underclothes

OFF? do you mean dry off?


Overall:
This is a very choppy chapter. I noticed mistakes that were'nt in the other chapters.

Grammar:
Well, not as good as the other chapters.

Plot/storyline:
I don't see it anymore. :(

MC/C:
you went from 2D 1/2 to 2D.
Their personalitys are not here AT ALL
Overall (again):
Now I am going to tell you the same thing I told you in my other review (ch.3)
1) close your eyes, imagine youreslef as Hazel or Adalyn. Imagine how they would feel in the situation your recording. How would you yourself respond to the situation?
2) read your chapter out loud. NOw that you have imagined yourself as Hazel/Adalyn is this really how they would feel?
3) edit. Edit. Edit.
4) repeat this exercise. 4 times. That will be a very good chapter.

Also, please look at those links I posted when I was talking about Dialogue. You need to. I needed to. you need to. Also, try to learn the rules I explained to you.

Good luck on the rest!
~pointe
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


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Hey hey hey angel face!
I really loved this chapter! In all honesty I DO think it coupld use a little work. Grammer, spelling etc. Minor details that youp got wrong. Other then those little things I really love that you made this chapter more about "tower life" than anything else.
I won't point out you're minor mistakes cause you're smart enough to see them for yourself! :)
I sorta get the part about her hair... but not really. I think you should add on saying something like,
" Auriella throws a fit anytime I ask to cut my hair, sometimes it gets so long it drives me crazy!" Hazel spun around a spark of fury behind her eyes," I mean seriously, she must think it's enchanted or something!" The spark died down as she turned away from Adalyn.


That's just a crazy idea that you don't have to use. It just helps clear things up a bit.

I think that the whole music thing kinda made Hazel sound like a snob... I'm not sure if that was what you were going for but...yeah....

Question:
Why doesn't Adalyn want anyone, even her own sister looking at her body? Also, if she's so concious, why did she wear a low neck dress??

Loved the chapter can't wait to read more!!
Missing you Loads hun!
Mwazzies!
Going down a rabbit hole, get away from all we know!




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Review Part Five.

Hazel seems a bit too well-adjusted for a girl who's spent her life locked up on her own. I can understand that reading her books gives her an insight to general life, but still, she is a bit too... normal. Isn't she curios as to what it's like to actually talk to people, or about the outside world. This is a good opportunity to make her more peculiar, which means more interesting.

Also, Adalyn and Hazel are showing a few similar behavior traits, especially in the way they both talk. Generally things like the sound of laughter and the subtle things like gentleness or fluidity of movement are attributed to parents, so the girls might have these in common. Speech patterns, hobbies and habits of communication are due to upbringing, so these should be radically different.

Don't forget your presentation - that means line breaks and paragraph lengths. Also, there are a fair few easy mistakes that could be picked out by a spell-checker or a once-through looking for them. The quality of your writing doesn't count for much if you can't get those basics.

Overall, I like how the story is going, and I am interested to read more. There is improvement to be made, but you've got a solid foundation to start on, so keep it up.

As said, it's review day, so if you want more thorough feedback or have any questions let me know :)
We were born to be amazing.



He who knows only his own generation remains forever a child.
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