As requested! Fortunately I have some extra time this morning so that I'd take a look at this. All in all, this is very, very interesting and I'm excited to see where you take it. You have brilliant flow, grammar, and pacing, and I was hooked right until the very end. You build up atmosphere well in the sleepover scene, and I like the characterization of Grace--I'm curious to see how she will handle her problem as she gets older. I just had a few things that I wanted to comment on.
The first is the characterization of Rory. Right now she's a bit bland, and it feels like I don't know enough about her, especially since she's the narrator. Right now, it seems like what she is doing is passively moving the story long from an outsider's perspective, not really contributing to the narrative. There are parts that I like about her, like the beginning where she talks about sorting the books alphabetically and mid-way through the story where you say she was 'the new girl invited as an afterthought'. I like these because even though are little details, they add to her character. However, it feels too few and far between. What you can do is maybe add some more of her thoughts as she's chasing Grace and details from the party. I like the details, actually.
The second is the overall composition. While I like how you've made the sleepover scene a flashback, I'm not sure how much I like the beginning. My guess is that you are going to go through various stages of her life and their friendship and see how the sleepwalking affects it? Even if this not the case, I think it would be better if you started with the sleepover scene, and it's for this reason. The scene at the beginning is short and doesn't give an overall impact, and by including this scene, you take away what mystery the future holds by showing us where these two characters are going to end up, if that makes sense. Have you ever read To Kill a Mockingbird? In that book, the main character, Scout, is narrating her past without ever going into the present. If you try something similar with your story, it will have a similar effect and you can have the older and wiser Rory looking back on how her friendship with Grace grew and change.
Hope this helps! I really did like this. Let me know when you post more, okay? As always, feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions or need anything clarified.
~ Elinor
All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them. -- Walt Disney
I really like this story, I think the name struck me and that's why I had to read it. Plus I've been going through a bit of a short story phase -anyways...here's my two cents.
The opening doesn't really grab me. When I went through it nothing really jumped out at me, and although I have been informed of the protagonist's main problem -which is good- I think you should play it up a bit more. Exaggerate Rory's reaction to Grace's problem despite the fact that it's happened many times before.
Grace and Rory have a dependent relationship which exists in most friendships, and I found it really interesting to read about. Rory, I feel is quite emotionless, I would love to read this in Grace's point of view. I disagree with Elinor about the flashback being first. I think it works quite well the way it is now, and if you wrote it the opposite way I wouldn't get the feeling about the calm before the storm, or a fight between Grace and Rory thats might be about to happen.
I love the way you keep suggesting things throughout this piece, and keep the reader intrigued.
Hope this helped,
Anger
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.
First, I have to congratulate you on your spectacular paragraph spacing. It's ingenious. How did you do it? HOW?!
...hehe. Anyway.
I love the concept here. Something about the pairing of an insomniac and a severe sleepwalker is simultaneously funny and poignant. One of those things just crazy enough to be believed. And the fact that they've both been like this since very young is curious. And I want to read on and probably will.
Reading through other comments...
I'd have to agree about the characterization of Rory. Someone who's had severe insomnia since the age of six surely has some... interesting characteristics to show for it, right? But as Elinor said, she's sort of bland, typical... but there's so much room for brilliance. Think about all the things she's seen in these waking hours that no one else has seen--not the least of which is her best friend do some strange and slightly creepy things while asleep. A great line comes toward the end with her never looking at anything, but that's just one thing. It needs more moments to bring it to life.
I agree with Anger about the flashback, though. I'm usually not a flashback fan, but it works here, I think. The beginning before the jump is slightly confusing, after all (I totally luv how you put the asterisks in to separate it!), and the flashback clarifies it. Or, in other words, the reader (at least not this one) isn't entirely sure what's happening in those beginning paragraphs--I mean, how bad can sleepwalking be?--and the flashback coming after that... gives the story some immediate depth. If started with the flashback...
I dunno, to me having a string of what are actually flashbacks would feel too contrived. And, it wouldn't be clear that they were flashbacks, and I'd be here harping about how she doesn't sound 10 or 12 or however old she's supposed to be in that flashback.
In a similar vein to that last comment, I think the dialogue could use with some sprucing up, because I didn't get full 8- or 10- or 12-year-old vibes from it. I didn't get adult vibes or anything else blatantly off from it, but... hm. I guess it depends on how much you're treating it as a recollection of what happened back at that sleepover versus what actually happened. The easiest way to add a little flavor would be vocabulary choices.
...just reread some. They're nine. Whoops.
I think that's all I have for now. Usually I ramble on and on about technical stuff in my reviews, but I didn't notice anything to say about your technical stuff. So... let me know if you have any questions!
(And keep putting quotation marks around that dialogue. Sheesh. The mind. It is blown.)
Rach
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.
Have you thanked a teacher lately? You should. Their bladder control alone is legend.
I've been grappling with how to review this story for a few days. It reads well, the voice is strong, without much deviation and lots of explanation as to why the character's voice is that way. It read like your usual pieces of writing, which are always lovely to read.
Then I realized the problem.
This MC is pretty much exactly like every other MC you have.
Your voice is too consistent. There's nothing really differentiating this MC's voice from another, and it makes the character stay half-glued to the page. You have a few quirks, but they're not really enough to make me feel this MC come to life for me. Until you bring those quirks up, this voice is easy to transplant between a 40 year old man and a 23 year old girl (or a very mature 11 year old).
This consistency in voice makes it nearly impossible to tell the difference between the older segment, and the flashback to when she's younger (only distinction is really the tense). It makes the character a bit too mature sounding when she's nine. It was a surprise to find out her actual age, especially with the description she gives herself. It was hard to remember this was a nine year old narrating; I chalked it up to your style, but reading it again (and reading others' comments) make me realize the voice is hurting the character more than it's helping.
I love the concept, and the opening was downright chilling. The opening is where the voice fits the best. But the flashback segment sounds a bit too mature for what should be a younger voice.
Hope this helps.
~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo
Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
I'm bored, alone in my house and watching a really bad show about dinner parties, so I thought I'd come and review this to entertain myself. I don't think I've ever reviewed anything of yours, so I hope you don't mind me randomly coming and reviewing this. I liked the title, so I thought, why not?
Overall, I rather liked this. It's cerainly a lot better than the dodgy TV show that's on. You had the perfect amount of description, in my opinion. It was enough for me to get a clear picture of everything, but not too much so that my imagination couldn't decide on how a few things looked. Your grammar is also really great - better than mine, that's for sure. I fail at grammar. Oh, and I adored the ending. It's definitely made me want to read on.
Okay... Where to begin... I'm not sure if you've edited this since your previous reviews, so if you haven't, I'm sorry if I repeat something that's already been said. Anyway! I do like your opening; it's nice. That's the hitch though. It's nice... but it's not really gripping. I'm not too touchy about opening lines and such because I never judge a piece of writing by its opening. I do think that you could have a better opening here though because your last sentence of the piece was epic, so I just know that you can start the piece just as epically.
I feel terrible for repeating what's already been said, but I have to say that I agree with the others on what they said about your MC. I have to say though that I think you characterised Grace very well. To me, her character is interesting and has her own personality. I guess you could say that she's quirky. What I'm agreeing with though here is that Rory feels a little two dimensional to me. She's an insomniac, so there's loads of quirky traits you can give her. I'm not going to go into loads of details because I'll only end up repeating everything that's been said. That would probably annoy you greatly. I know you can give Rory a load of great character quirks because you've characterised Grace so well.
I also agree on what's ben said about the voice. I can't really see a difference between the MC's age in the flashback and the present. I don't mean to discriminate against little kids, but she sounds too smart. I want her to be more naive. There are areas where Rory does sound a little younger, but I want to see it throughout the whole flashback.
There is something esle that's bothering me, but I can't quite say what it is exactly. It just feels as though there's something missing... I don't know. Hmmm... I'm not sure whether it's because I'm a weirdo who likes action, but I don't really feel that all much happened in this. Because you have another two parts to go though, there's plenty of time to kick in all of the action. Myabe I just like fast paced stories. I think I'm getting this feeling because overall, this part was basically about Grace pouring water, then going to another bathroom to pour water. Fair enough, she then she fell down the stairs, but it still felt a bit empty to me.
Gosh, I'm not making sense. Sorry... Looking back, I seem to have repeated things mostly. I think I'm going to read the next part of this now, so hopefully, my review on that will be better and will actually make sense.
Hello Evi! My imediate thoughts after finishing reading your story (part 1 at least) were on how entertaining your words were, and how the pacing was just right - not rushed or slowed down, but just right.
I didn't read the title at first, so what hinted me to Grace's sleepwalking was precisely the word "deposit" - depositing the books on the floor means we're talking about a calm gesture instead of a fit derived from emotion, so I think the word has some splendid usage in here.
The interaction between those two characters you created, Grace and Rory, is very interesting to follow. Both have problems related to sleep, although they are very different in what they demand and how the girls manage them. A character suffering from insomnia is likely to be observing and analytical, or maybe slightly obsessive about something, so I think you were successful in incorporating some of these traits in Rory (this part: "reshelf it alphabetically by title—or maybe by author if I was feeling particularly whimsical" already tells us of organisation and control in the beginning).
There was a bit that felt a little rushed to me, close to the ending, when Grace says "I think we should be friends, Aurora."; maybe it is a natural progression, but I wonder what is Grace's logic, especially when she keeps going with "We'll be great friends" (which actually causes suspicion in Rory too!). So I'm interested to know if this sudden friendship between Grace and Rory is because Grace feels empathy towards Rory or because she just wants to have someone by her side - it feels as if she is buying Rory's silence by being her friend and then immediately making her promising she won't tell anyone about that night.
There are so many mysteries in here - why is Grace worried about watering the garden so the flowers won't die? Why is Rory insomniac since she was just a little girl? And the final sentence is impecable - great cliffhanger!
I'm looking forward to read more of this. Thank you and good luck with your writing!
Okay, specifically, I saw that you went back and edited this to change the voice -- I think that was a really good decision, because it's now one of the strongest aspects of the piece.
I'm not sure if you saw me mention my aversion to reviewing short stories or not, but it's the truth. I never know what to say. For this piece, however, it's different. I can honestly say that I really enjoyed it, and I'm looking forward to reading on.
I don’t know why I always notice carpets and floors. Probably because I’m always looking down.
I think I can sum up my feelings on your writing by talking about this line; it's spectacular. Really. I think it's one of the only lines, if not the only one, that you separated completely, and the emphasis comes through perfectly. I think the hardest part about talking about the past in a story that deals with the present is voice. The narrator has to show an understanding of his or her younger self, seeing as they're the same person, but there also has to be a certain level of detachment -- a sense of looking back.
Your character shows a keen appreciation for her younger self, but not without losing her mature voice. You can sense the child that grew into the new character, especially in the above line. You're able to tie the two people together, giving the right impression of their connection as, well, the same person. You can tell how the youth grew into the adult (teen?).
The story itself is wonderfully interesting; you've set up some great contrasts which I'm sure you'll expand on in the next sections. I can't wait to read on!
