Stop and Stare (Part 3)

What's happened during Zoey's life in this novel so far:

Spoiler

Well, nothing yet. This is her first chapter.

Note: For anyone who doesn't know, yob is slang for the kind of teenager who drinks underage, steals things, robs people e.t.c. I hope you get the idea.

Zoey

Someone had been in my room. The place looked a mess and it was stopping me from sleeping. I'd come upstairs a mere hour ago, and I'd failed at even trying to sleep since then. Unable to bear it any longer, I climbed out of my warm bed and into the chilly air of my room. This summer had been especially cold, only just reaching twenty degrees at its hottest. Whatever happened to global warming?
I scanned my bedroom, trying to find what was wrong. Knowing that there was something missing, or something in the wrong place distracted my thoughts entirely. It was nagging at me in the back of my mind, forcing me to stay awake. There didn't appear to be any clothes poking out of my wardrobe or drawers, my blinds and curtains were shut correctly, my carpet was spotless, my en suite bathroom door was closed... My eyes froze when they reached my bookshelf. One of my books was in the wrong place. That was it! Sighing, I whipped my hair off of my shoulder and sauntered over towards it.
I'd specifically put everything back in tidily, but there were a number of books placed face down on their covers and backs, and they weren't placed neatly at all. For someone to have had the nerve of coming into my room and messing things up made the frustration inside of me tip off the edge. Sighing again, this time in annoyance, I reached up towards the top shelf for my dictionary, but I couldn't quite reach it. I put all of my weight on my toes and finally grasped its smooth spine.
"Shit!"
Suddenly, the book dropped from my hand. It crashed to the carpeted floor below me and landed with a soft thud. I let out a sudden yelp, then cursed inwardly.The dictionary was lying limply on my carpet with half of its pages spread open, showing a flurry of words, from the dull to the exhilarating. I grabbed it and picked it up to reveal that a number of the pages had crumpled, and were now looking both limp and lifeless. This was ridiculous. After closing it, I slotted it back into place.
Then there was a creak.
I froze. There was someone walking around the house. That didn't make any sense; no one walked around after ten in my house. Everyone was always asleep at this time.
Another creak.
My feet remained in the same place as though they were glued to the floor. Any traces of a heartbeat I had appeared to vanish. Either that, or my heart had leaped to the top of my throat and made a run for it. Another creak. My heartbeat suddenly jolted into overdrive, pulsating in my chest.
"Hello?" A whisper from outside my door.
I then did the only thing I could think of.
"Mum! Dad!" I yelled.
"Zoey! Shut up!"
The door handle turned and just as I was about to scream, I saw Aimee, my older sister, standing in my doorway with her eyes wide. You have to be kidding. I'd gotten myself into hysterics over my sister. Seriously?
"Aimee? What... What are you doing? It's almost eleven o'clock." I glanced at my digital clock. "It's almost five to."
Aimee simply rolled her eyes as she twirled her wavy hair with her finger. She closed my bedroom door behind her and sat down on my bed with her hands in her jean pockets.
"I'm going out." She shrugged as she chewed on a piece of gum in her mouth.
Had she missed the second part of my sentence or something? It was almost five to--actually, no, it was now a few minutes to eleven. Why would she be going out now?
"I can see that," I muttered, sitting down on the bed next to her.
Aimee certainly wasn't dressed in her pyjamas. She was wearing a tight vest top that clinched at every curve in her torso. The top was covered by a thin cardigan, along with a pair of skin tight jeans. On her feet, she was practically wearing a pair of blood red skyscrapers, or heels as she called them. Her blonde hair was tied into a neat ponytail: far off what you would have called bed hair. The fact that her face was plastered in heavy make up was rather distracting too, I had to admit.
"Where are you going?" I asked, locking my eyes onto her sky blue ones. "Are you meeting someone? Who are you meeting? Oh, mum and dad are going to kill you."
"Don't say anything! You almost blew it just there, Zo," she hissed, shifting her eyes away from mine. "I'm going to..." She lifted her hand to her mouth, then chewed on her nails. "You know that guy I told you about? My boyfriend?"
"The one I've never seen, let alone met, yet you've been with the guy for four months now?" I raised my eyebrows.
Aimee rolled her eyes again before dropping her fingers from her mouth. She stood up, and soon, Aimee was pacing back and forth in front of me, fiddling with her hands.
"Yeah, him." Her plump lips curved upwards as she continued. "Well, I'm going to meet him. It's just that... Well, he's from Amber Fountains. I know what you're thinking, but honestly, he's great. Like, unbelievably hot, and he's really funny too. You'd probab--"
"Aimee! Are you stupid or just insane? There's a yob with a shotgun at every street corner in that place. How can lover boy possibly be half decent?"
Aimee raised her eyebrows, finally stopping herself from pacing in front of me. I was glad that she did because she'd probably been destroying my carpet, scragging all of the material. The began twirling her dyed blonde hair a bit more aggressively than before.
"Zoey, you don't even know him." She narrowed her eyes at me. "How can you be so stereotypical? He's great, he really is. He may have gotten into a bit of trouble before, but nothing too bad, honestly."
By some trouble, she probably meant murder or something 'small' like that. I gritted my teeth together and crossed my arms. No way was I allowing my sister to go to that neighbourhood, especially on her own in the middle of the night.
"Okay, maybe he is nice, I don't know. You'll get yourself mugged in that place though, Aim!" I raised my voice a little.
"You'd swear I was the younger sister here!" Aimee shouted, soon lowering her tone when she realised that she could easily wake our parents up. "Look, I'm going, okay?"
Not allowing me to get another word in, she pulled my door open and left my room. If it wasn't the middle of the night, she most definitely would have slammed it hard. It wasn't long until I could hear the stairs creaking as Aimee tip-toed down them. Oh, I was so following her.
After hurriedly grabbing whatever shoes I could, I then got myself dressed. I pulled a jumper over my pajama top and then wore a pair of boyfriend style jeans over my bottoms. As I was putting them on, I heard the front door slyly close. Soon enough, I had left my room. The moment I stepped onto my landing, the eerie silence of my house overwhelmed me. Maybe this isn't such a good idea... No, I had to do this. I was determined to find out who Aimee's mystery boyfriend was, and even more determined to stop her from getting mugged. Besides, I had to protect her; she wasn't sensible enough to do that herself. It was rather shocking how she hadn't been hurt already.
I'd never been to Amber Fountains before, and for good reasons too. The area was always lambasted in the news, constantly informing me of the dangers there. Mugging was a daily occurance, and far worse happened too. I didn't know who Aimee's boyfriend was, so for all I knew, he could have been exactly like those criminals I saw on the television. There was no way I was letting her get into trouble.
Darkness crept in on me as I made my way down the stairs. I cursed when I tripped on one of the steps. The lights from the street outside were the only things providing any sense of direction for me. If it wasn't for them shining through the window beside the front door, I wouldn't have been able to see where I was going at all. The light crept in through the window at the bottom of the stairs, and that light was encouraging me to walk as it brightened my surroundings. At the last step, I bent down to grab my case that contained my phone. I relaxed as my foot touched the laminated floor of my hallway. I shoved my phone into the front pocket of my jumper.
I jogged up my driveway after making sure that I'd closed the front door. Yes! I could see Aimee ahead of me as she was just turning out of our street. So long as I kept quiet, doing everything with perfected subtlety, I'd go unnoticed. The chilly air more or less attacked me now that I was outside, immediately making me shiver. I felt something cold sting my skin. It was raining. Perfect. Absolutely perfect.
Keeping my eyes fixed on my older sister, I turned out of my street. I was dragging my feet along the pavement, ignoring my screaming mind which was begging for me to turn back. I couldn't go back now. If my sister was going out with some kid from Amber Fountains, I had to at least see him. My thoughts began to wonder as I continued along the pavement. She'd gone out to meet him before, but I'd never seen her go out this late. Did she do it every night? Maybe she'd even gotten hurt before, but hadn't told my parents, brother or me before. The thought made my body tense.
The rain continued to splash against my skin as I trudged along. I couldn't lose sight of Aimee. She was walking awfully fast, I had to admit. The further we got, the more noticeable my surroundings became. I was used to the well-kept gardens and tidy houses around my neighbourhood, but as we drew closer to Amber Fountains, it was impossible not to notice those houses turning smaller, and their gardens gradually filling with waste and wilder grass. Did lack of money cause badly kept homes or something? I was incredibly tempted to grab a lawnmower and sort them out.
I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear as I wondered if this was a good idea. My mind had been set on Aimee getting hurt, but what if...? What if something happened to me? The shadows around me appeared to expand and as I neared them, they turned into disfigured shapes. They only made my nerves greater. Aimee had done this before, she must have. She'd been fine all of those times, so it wasn't as though she really needed anyone following her. But then again, I desperately wanted to see her so-called boyfriend. Besides, there was a first time for everything, and tonight could have been the first for her getting attacked.
I pushed myself onwards and prepared to concentrate on the ground underneath me. I must have looked up at just about the wrong time because as I did, in fact, look back up, something caught my foot and before I knew it, I was tumbling to the damp ground. Thankfully, I was just able to catch myself from whacking against the ground by falling onto my two hands. I let out a groan. This was horrible.
After finally gaining composure, I stood back up and straightened myself out. I stared ahead of me and squinted. Where was Aimee? My eyes shot from one spot to another, desperately searching for my sister. She was gone.
"Aimee?" I whispered. Then, panic rising, I called louder, "Aimee?"
Silence. As the contents of my stomach turned, I spun around, foolishly thinking that she may have been behind me somehow. I was soon disappointed. There wasn't a living soul around. Not one.
I remained in the same spot, all the while patting my legs and the front of my hoodie in a panicked rush. Yes!. When my hands took hold of my phone case, it was as thought it was a bar of gold. After popping the top of it open, I reached into the case... Nothing. I dug my fingers into it. The case was empty. Where was my phone? I specifically remembered putting it into the case after dinner, then placing it on the stairs. What on earth?
I shoved the empty case back into my pocket and groaned. How hadn't I noticed that the case was empty when I took it? I was certainly regretting buying the newer, lighter LG phone now. If only I would have just looked inside the stupid case. What was I supposed to do now? Where was I? I spun around about a thousand times, aimlessly looking for something I could recognise. I had absolutely no idea where I was. No, no, no. My whereabouts had to be known to me: what I was doing and where I was going. I couldn't just not know. Getting lost didn't happen, not to me. My heart rate began accelerating again.
Maybe I could find Aimee. She couldn't have gone that far. I had a vague idea of which direction she'd gone in, so if I could just find her, I'd be fine. I began hurrying ahead. The rain was coming down a little heavier now, and the cold air felt as though it was slicing into my skin. I came to a stop when I reached the end of the pavement.
There were two ways I could have gone: a forest or a long road. Which one led to Amber Fountains? One thing that was clear was the fact that the forest was a lot less inviting than the open road. The trees were bare, their branches stretching outwards as though they were trying to grasp onto me and pull me into the darkness. Whichever way I chose to go, I'd have no idea where I'd end up.
I squinted in hope of spotting a glimmer of colour, or a glance of Aimee's long hair. I froze when I saw a sudden flash of blonde hair at the end of the dimly lit forest. It was Aimee. It had to be. No matter how scary the place looked, I knew I'd just seen Aimee, my big sister. I burst into a jog and headed straight towards the woods.
The forest turned out to be a lot bigger than I thought, and it had engulfed me an awful lot quicker than I ever assumed was possible. After what felt like a few seconds of running, I was well into the forest. I paused for a moment before stopping in my tracks. I was a lot deeper into the woods than I wanted to be. The trees were huge, towering over me. The lack of wind that night left their branches stiff, and looking sharper at their ends than ever.
"Aimee...?" I whispered.
There was no response, not even a simple sound. I tried again. Nothing.
Once again, I called for my sister. Nothing. There was a rustling sound. I spun around, turning my attention to the wild bush next to me. Another rustle. The next thing I knew, a loud scream had escaped from my dry lips.
A bird jumped out of the bush, and it eventually flew into the rain-filled sky. The trees were providing shelter from the rain right now, but shelter really didn't feel like the right word to use. They were trapping me, suffocating me.
"Aimee..." I croaked.
I couldn't wait any longer. There was a loud squawking sound. I immediately turned around and bolted back towards where I came from. My feet slammed against the damp ground of the forest, and every step I made felt as though it was weighing me down. The birds around me tweeted at the noise I was making, animals rustled in the bushes and the raindrops crashed against the tree's leaves.
The second I caught sight of grey colours, I felt myself let out a huge breath. Almost there. I pulled myself onwards. The grey concrete and the pale houses were gradually becoming clearer. As quickly as I'd been trapped in the forest, I was free. I came to a halt, catching my breath as I stood on the wet concrete outside the forest.
I had to turn back. Find my way home. Cursing inwardly, I turned around with my back now to the road and the forest. I wasn't welcomed by a familiar comfort though, but a dreadful attack of insecurity. I still didn't recognise a thing. Not a blade of grass or a piece of gravel. How was I supposed to get home? The street lights appeared to be even weaker now, allowing the darkness to suffocate me. There was no hope from the moon either because that was cast over by grey storm clouds.
Ignoring every emotion inside of me, I forced myself onwards, and advanced in the direction of which I came. That was a lot easier said than done. I couldn't even remember which way I'd came. What was wrong with me? I was Zoey Cardle. This didn't happen to me; I was always prepared. Always.
As I continued toddling like some helpless child, my eyes began stinging and filling with salty water. I bit my lip and forced my eyes to stay dry. Panicking only makes things worse, Zoey. You know that. Besides, you'll be fine. The chances of you getting hurt are seriously slim. No matter how much logic I threw into my mind, the panic never left. I knew that it could have been worse. I mean, I could have been in Amber Fountains itself.
I wasn't in my neighbourhood either though. It was like I was trapped in-between the both of them. All the while, I was anxiously pacing back and forth. My eyesight had become blurry, turning the houses in the distance into puddles of water. A teardrop fell down my freezing cheek. My hands were shaking, my body sweating as I sat down on the pavement. I didn't even care if I got mud or dirt on myself. Where was Aimee? Where was my house? Where was I?
There wasn't anyone in sight. Maybe I should have knocked at one of the houses or something? I shook my head as another teardrop slipped down my face. I had no idea what kind of people lived here, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to find out. I had to calm myself. Inhaling heavily, I lifted my head.
As I did so, my vision was blinded by something. A light. I squinted my eyes for a second or two as the light neared me. It was a car. The vehicle drove closer, and my entire body froze as it did so. Why would anyone be driving at this time in the morning? I swallowed hard. It was getting closer. I chewed on my lip, almost making it bleed. It was coming towards me. The car was heading in my direction.
I remained glued to the pavement as I glanced around me. It was stopping right beside me. Who was in there? What did they want? Why were they driving around at this time of the night? Did they want to help me? I swallowed hard. What if the last thing they wanted to do was help me?



Click here to read STOP AND STARE (PART FOUR)

Skinsy. I really wish I wasn't the first. I feel like a stalker. *shifty eyes*

Whatever happened to glabal warming?

global

I was going to die. Oh my God, I was going to die.

Um, why is her first thought that she's going to die? Maybe you should say that she's supposed to be alone in the house, or something...

I glanced at my didgital clock. "Fourty eight minutes to, to be exact."

digital

"Where are you going?" I asked, locking my eyes into her sky blue ones. "Are you meeting someone? Who are you meeting? Oh, mum and dad are going to kill you."

onto?

No, I had to do this. I was determained to find out who Aimee's mystery boyfriend was.

determined.

But than again, I desperately wanted to see her so called boyfriend.

then

I pushed myself onwards, concentrating on the floor. The second I did so, I paused

what floor? The ground?

I was a lot depper into the forest than I thought. The trees were huge, towering over me. The lack of wind that night left their branches stiff, looking sharper at their ends than ever.

deeper

haha! Skinsy, I really hope you keep writing from her perspective as well; she's a hoot! She's definitely got character and she's far from being 2D. I didn't see anything wrong with this chapter, but I never see anything wrong with any of them.

You're a great writer and this is a great story, so far. Keep up the great work!

Yeessss. First dibs! First dibs!

My apologies on not reviewing Chapter Two yet. I think the other reviewers got most of what I wanted to say, and, as I think I've mentioned, I'm territorial over reviewing grounds.

Anyway.

Even though the typos and spelling errors in this chapter were incredibly entertaining, I find I can't agree with you about this chapter being bad. On the contrary, I thought you presented a very believable character--the fear of the book creasing? I die inside every time I see someone dog-ear a page, so I felt for Zoey here--and I really enjoyed reading things from her perspective.

Best of all, the entire plot made so much sense. Obviously, her sister's the one that gets murdered in the park there by Austin, but even knowing that ahead of time... The entire scene just made so much sense to me. Her following her sister especially. Her paranoid, OCD thoughts.

So, I do not think you should drop this POV. Quite the contrary, m'dear, it needs to be continued. I want to know what happens next, you hear? And I wonder if she'll get to see the murder (because I'm twisted like that) and how she's going to end up meeting Charlie.

Very interesting, unusual pairing, Zoey and Charlie here. Control-freak and the defeated one. Very intriguing.

The voice in this chapter was great, so I don't have too many complaints on the technical side. I'm sure someone else will go through and rat out your typos (my favorite is, perhaps, 'glabal warming') but I've never really cared about typos.

In fact, I think I only have one other thing to say and then explain. And that is, drum roll please, dangling modifiers.

You have them everywhere in this chapter, which probably makes it as good a place as any to explain them.

Here are a few of them:

Darkness crept in on me as I made my way down the stairs, cursing when I tripped over a step

I pulled a hoodie over my pyjama top, followed by a pair of boyfirend style jeans over my bottoms

I could see Aimee ahead of me, just turning out of my street

My eyes shot from one spot to another, desperate in search of my sister

Okay. So, since the dawn of time (exaggeration), people have been combining two simple sentences into complex sentences. And one of the ways you can combine two simple sentences in English is to reduce one of them to a participle phrase, such as

cursing when I tripped over a step
followed by a pair of boyfriend-style jeans over my bottoms
just turning out of my street

Those sentences above are derived from a simple sentence you see:

I cursed when I tripped over a step

and take aspect

I was cursing when I tripped over a step

so that in the end you can take

Darkness crept in on me as I made my way down the stairs and I was cursing when I tripped over a step

and combine them into two sentences.

Right?

Well, not in this case.

You see, what Darkness crept in on me as I made my way down the stairs, cursing when I tripped over a step is actually saying is this:

Darkness crept in on me as I made my way down the stairs, and darkness was cursing when I tripped over a step. !!!!!

Which is not what you wanted to say. Or at least, I don't think so.

When a sentence like this happens, you have what is called a dangling modifier--cursing when I tripped over a step because it's not actually modifying what you think it's modifying. Instead, it's modifying the darkness.

These errors can actually be pretty funny, really. But, they can also be really confusing to a reader.

So, in other words, when you combine two sentences in this way, you have to make sure that the subjects are the same. Otherwise, it's no good.

Wikipedia actually has a pretty good article on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dangling_modifier

So, that's a dangling modifier.

But, all this participle phrase business has a related problem:

I hastily bent down, picking the book up.

The book dropped from my hand, crashing to the carpeted floor below me

This time, the error is semantics--particularly, temporal.

Deconstruct those sentences there, and you get:

I hastily bent down. I picked the book up
The book dropped from my hand. It crashed to the carpeted floor below me.

Note that these are NOT dangling modifiers because 'I' and 'I' match, and 'the book' and 'it' match. But, think about it for a second. The next step would be:

I hastily bent down. I was picking the book up.
The book dropped from my hand. It was crashing to the carpeted floor below me

The act of picking up the book includes bending down, but you can't physically bend down and pick up a book at the same time. You have to bend down, then pick up the book.

Same goes for the second sentence. The book has to hit the ground before it can crash, at least when 'crash' is taken to mean the moment of impacting.

...My, that was confusing. I just went full scale grammar nerd on you (this is what we do in my major in college... for fun), so my apologies. But the point overall is: make sure you're saying what you mean to say with those participle phrases!

And, I think that's it for now.

Again: I liked this chapter loads.

Standard operating procedure applies. (Aka, any questions and you know where to find me.)

Rach

EDIT: DANG YOU TANYA! You stole my first dibs!

hahahah I was going to comment but you noticed already!

Wow, Rach: you're freaking thorough. Great review!

I saved you especially for my eightieth review. I'd do, like, a major-er milestone like a hundred ... but who knows how long it'll be 'till I get there! Now ... onto the review! -straps on cape and jumps away-

The place looked a mess and it was stopping me from sleeping.

Sounds like Voldemort.


But seriously now.

Whatever happened to glabal warming?

Never heard of glabal Wwarming, so try maybe global warming instead.

I'm going to die. Oh my God, I'm going to die.

Thoughts, maybe? As in, italicize them to make them into thoughts.

I included a nag into that question pretty well, if I may have said so myself.

AWKWARD SENTENCE! I don't know how you'd want to word it, but here's what I figure.

I included a nagging tone in the question pretty well, if I may have said so myself.

Even with my suggestion it still sounds awkward, so I'd consider revising it yourself and changing it up so it doesn't sound so ... iffy.

"How can you be so stereotypical? He's great, he really is. He's gotten into some trouble before, but nothing too bad."

I think that simply because Aimee is trying to convince Zoey her boyfriend is really great and all, she should phrase it more like the trouble is "nothing".

"He may have gotten into a bit of trouble before, but nothing too bad."

Maybe something like that -- again, just a suggestion though.

tip toeing

For your future reference: tip-toeing. I'm pretty sure that's how it is.

I was determined to find out who Aimee's mystery boyfriend was.

Now, I was under the impression she was also going to prevent her sister from getting mugged, yes? If I'm wrong then I'm wrong. But if I'm right, then I just decided to point it out so you can maybe add that in.

I'd keep it to the left of my top drawer, just on top of my notepad.

Just a quick error of tenses, I guess. Wrong wording on my part, maybe.

I kept it to the left of my top drawer, just on top of my notepad.

My heart rate began fastening again.

Fastening .... Hm, sounds odd.

My heart heart rate began to quicker again.

All of a sudden, I saw a sudden flash of blonde hair at the end of the dimly lit forest.

The double-use of sudden in this sentence sounds too repetitive. Maybe substitute one "sudden" for another word?

My eyesight had become blurry, turning the houses in the distance turning into puddles of water.

OVER ALL:
Is she OCD? 'Cause even if she isn't, I love her! I really, really think it'd be funny if she met someone who dog-folded the pages in books. Heartattack? Surely.

Now, there were a few spelling mistakes and such that needed to be sorted out, and could be if you just re-read over it. Reading aloud also helps get rid of awkward sentences -flashes lights-. Now, this was pretty good, I thought. The ending was great, as it was tantilizing, and left us wanting more. There was a lot of fragment-usage in here, which could be a good or bad thing, as fragments are, well, incomplete sentences. I, however, find fragments should have allowance to be used in first-person writing, and when you're thinking in your head and such, you don't make sure to use complete sentences, proper nouns, and the like.

So I'm glad you asked me to look at this -- I think I'm going to continue reading!

Cheerful writing!

Hey, Freak. Punk here, to review!

I'm not going to be nitpicky. Oh what the heck, maybe I'll throw in a few. Here, take these.

It was like a nipping at my mind, forcing me to stay awake. I shuddered slightly at the thought.

I don't know if it's just me but it seems kind of oddly worded.

I included a nag into that question pretty well, if I may have said so myself.

A bit wordy here.

I pulled a hoodie over my pyjama

Error?

I knew that iIt could have been worse.

Typo here

Anyway, as far as your introduction to your new character goes, I think it was done fairly well. You've explained her personality quite well and gave us a good briefing of what kind of person she is. Although, I think you could have found a more interesting way to go about it. Rack your brain a little, I know that you can think of something more amazing than a book falling off a shelf. I did like the part where she thought she was going to be murdered, perhaps you could expand on that part and show her paranoia or whatever it's called.

Also, wow...Zoey seems to have a major OCD problem, no? Ahaha, so is Jesse. They could be like, siblings or something. Again, its those vibes. I'm telling ya' we're so twins - even thought we're different ages. =3 Anyway, I think you dwelled on the OCD part a bit too much, might want to lighten it out a little because it looks like she's crazy. Or maybe she is and she has to take medication to keep her calm about the little ruffles in the bed sheets. like, that's kind of over the top, no? Maybe you should mention something close to some sort of medical condition or either tone it down a bit so it's not normal but enough for us to think that she's not, in fact, a bizarre case.

Another thing would be Amiee character. I really like her name here, the fact that it's spelled differently gives her some characterization however I'm still confused with how she looks likes. Right now, I'm picturing her as a little spunky kinda girl with black pixie cut hair. Maybe you could take this opportunity to give us more information on her.

Now, as far as the writing goes, there were a few little nitpicks with typos and all, I'm sure if you looked over this again you could spot them. I only picked out a couple but I'm sure there are a few more in there somewhere. I'm not the greatest when it comes to typos so I can't really help you much. You had some great description and as always, your writing is nice and easy to read with exceptional flow. There was one part, mostly when Zoey goes out to find her sister, that you seemed to drag it on a little. I know you were probably just trying to create an atmosphere but I think it was too long, you know? Like, it could just be me though so I don't know. Anyway, it was a great chapter. I like how you're copying me and doing the whole double POV thing. Ahaha, just kidding. I'd like to see how it all plans out. ^.^

^.^)b
-Punk

Hello there, oh, Skins-o! Thanks for the request!

Now, I do not want to be too nitpick-y, as most of my nitpicks revolve around obvious typos that you probably would not have had if you had been using Microsoft Word (or maybe you would have still). Besides, the few nitpicks that I did have of typos and spelling errors or oddly-worded sentences have been already pointed out by the reviewers before me.

I must praise you with how you brought about introducing this new character, Zoey. Although, I think the book on the bookshelf falling off is a bit...dull. I figure you can find another, more interesting way to bring about how OCD she really is. Maybe it was just that it seemed dull when mixed in with her thoughts of being murdered and all? That's another little problem I noticed - it seems like the thoughts of being murdered come out of nowhere. I mean, the statement where you say, "There was someone in the house," lead me to think that she was supposed to be home alone and all. However, when she talks to Aimee later, she mentions how their parents are asleep in the house. So, your earlier statement is a bit 'off' to me, y'know?

Now, like PinkShearwater pointed out, her case of OCD seems almost too extreme. I know about five people with OCD, and am slightly OCD myself (I can completely relate to her wrinkled bedsheets thing - no one sits on my bed and wrinkles it) but the whole combination of the bedsheets and the book categorizing is just too much. If her case of OCD really is that extreme, mention the pills she takes for it, because extreme OCD cases probably would take pills, yes?

I figured from the beginning of this chapter that either Zoey or Aimee would end up being the helpless, pretty girl that Austin ends up killing because of how drunk and angry he is (of course, it's an accident, he meant to hit the big guy). Immediately, I liked how you described just how paranoid Zoey seems to be and how the part of town Aimee was headed to had a bad rep and that made Zoey worried. Actually, a lot of things made Zoey worried and paranoid (can you say worrywart?) but I think that defines her character. I like how you describe Aimee, too, but I feel like she doesn't look like her personality, if you know what I am getting at? I thought Aimee would be brunette, jagged pixie cut and a pierced nose or something, but I was obviously wrong. The blonde hair just doesn't seem to hold enough spunk as it should, I seem to think.

Overall, I truly enjoyed reading this chapter. I like how you set up this second character, and hinted at what would happen to Aimee. Since I have read the previous chapters, it is obvious she's the girl who will be killed by that knife, and I am most anxious to see how this will effect Zoey. It makes me wonder if Zoey will 'lose herself' and become kind of 'wasted away' or become even more worrisome and more of a strict OCD girl who refuses to acknowledge her past? So many ways to go! Anyways, good job, Skins-o, because this was another brilliant chapter.

- Mizz

Hey Skins, it's me again to review the next installment of this, as requested. You've gotten some good critiques on this so far so I won't be too long and ramble-y as to repeat what the others have said, but I just had a few notes for you.

So, I quite like this bit. In a very short amount of time, you built up two very interesting characters and their relationship quite well, and I'm curious to see what happens next and how she meets Charlie. It was a bit confusing at the beginning trying to figure out how Zoey's story related to Charlie's, but then it quickly became clear once you introduced Aimee. (I like the way you spell her name, by the way).

However, I agree with Pink about Aimee in the way that the way you've presented here just doesn't seem to match my vision of her from earlier in the novel. When you first introduced her in part one, I imagined her as quiet, somewhat shy, small and fragile. Now, she seems to be exactly the opposite; spunky, with an attitude, much like Pink described. While either characterization is fine and you may not have intended to present her in the way I described first, the two views of her become confusing.

I like how you made Zoey OCD, as it adds a lot to her character and makes the story very interesting to read. However, like Mizzle and Pink, I think that it could probably be toned down a bit, or you could go with Mizzle's suggestion and say that she takes pills for it, which I think would add to this little character trait of hers.

That's all I really have. Hope this helps, and as always, shoot me a PM if you have any questions. Sorry I couldn't elaborate more; I really liked this chapter, and most everything that needed to be pointed out has been pointed out. Let me know when you post more!

~ Elinor

Hello there, sir! I am here to review according to your request--though I was planning on reviewing it today anyway. In fact, I saw it just after you posted it (before it had any reviews!) but I didn't have time to read/review it, so I just put it on my reading list. Anyway, I'm rambling already. This is bad. >.<

I know you've gotten some nitpicky reviews already, but since you seemed to be asking for help with typos and such in your post on my WRFF, I'm going to comb through and find any nitpicks I can. I only skimmed the line-by-line parts of the reviews you've already gotten, so please find it in yourself to forgive me if I repeat anything.

The place looked a mess and it was stopping me from sleeping.

Personally, I would say "...looked like a mess..." but that might just be an American thing.

I'd specifically put each book in the correct order of their author - alphabetically too.

This sounds rater awkward to me. I mean, what other "correct order" would there be than alphabetically? Also "correct order of their author" just sounds... weird. Maybe try something more along the lines of: "I'd specifically ordered them alphabetically by author." That sounds a bit stiff, but I think it's better. Play with it, anyway.

For someone to have had the nerve of coming into my room and messing everything up made the frustration inside of me boil up.

That should be "mess," not "messing." ^.~ Also, the end sounds a little awkward to me. Maybe try some thing more like, "...made the frustration boil up inside me." I don't have anything against ending a sentence with a preposition as a rule, but in this case it sounds better not to. I think, anyway.

I flicked through the pages, making sure that every page was in its correct condition.

Repetition. Maybe say, "I flicked through the pages, making sure that every/each one was in its correct condition."

There was someone walking around the house, in the middle of hte night.

In the middle of what night? ^.~

My heart beat suddenly jolted into overdrive, pulsating in my chest.

That should be one word: "heartbeat."

If someone was willing to break into a house, I expected for them to be willing to be murderous too.

I don't think you need that word.

Was it too late to become Christian? Whether that was true or not, I prayed anyway.

Firstly, I love this bit. ^.^ Secondly, I think it could be worded better. It's a little unclear what the "that" is referring to in the second sentence. I think it might be a bit better if you changed the first sentence to, "It wasn't too late to be come Christian, was it?" or the second sentence to, "Whether it was or not, I prayed anyway." ...or both. ^.^

I'd ena decent person.

Do you mean "been a?" O.o

I opened my eyes wide to see Aimee, my older sister, standing in my doorway with her one hand on her hip.

This makes it sound like she only has one hand! Either say "her" OR "one," but not both. >.<

It was fourty eight minutes - actually, no, it was now fifty two minutes to eleven.

There are a lot of things about this bit that confuse me. >.< Firstly: is time running backwards? If it was forty eight minutes to eleven before, and it's fifty two minutes to eleven now, that means it just went from 10:12 to 10:08. Shouldn't it go the other way? And why would you even call 10:12 "forty eight minutes to eleven," anyway? Wouldn't you just call it "ten twelve" or "ten past twelve?" :/ Also, the number 40 is spelled "forty," not "fourty," (make sure you fix that both times you typed it).

She was wearing a tight vest top tha clinched at every curve in her body.

That. Plus, how could a top clinch at every curve in a body? If it's a top, doesn't that mean it's only on the top part of her body (i.e. the torso)? You don't have to change it if you don't want to; it just sounds odd to me.

If it wasn't the middle of the night, she so would have slammed it hard. It wasn't long until I could hear her footsteps tip-toeing down the stairs. Oh, I was so following her.

This is nit-picky, but I didn't like the repetition of this usage of the word "so."

My shoes matched horribly with the rest of my clothes.

Isn't "matching horrible" an oxymoron? >.< Either it matches, and that's good, or it doesn't match, and that's bat--right? Maybe say, "clashed horribly," or "went horribly," or something like that?

Catching a glimpse of my school shoes, they were soon being shoved onto my feet.

This is one of those dangling modifiers Rachael was talking about. ^.~ I noticed a few more, too, but I'm not going to point them out. I see that you've fixed a lot of them, but there are still some issues.

Suddenly, I felt something cold sting my skin.

NOOO! It's the attack of the Suddenlys! RUUUUN! :O In all seriousness, "suddenly" is used way too much by people don't want to bother with transitions. Sometimes, it's unavoidable. But this isn't one of those times. Take it out. Please. Like, right now. :P

I was used to ignoring the well kept gardens and tidy houses around my neighbourhood, but as we arrived closer to Amber Fountains, it was impossible not to notice those houses turning smaller, their gardens gradually filling with waste and wilder grass.

This is the most nit-picky nit-pick ever, but that should be "well-kept." Okay, that's not the most nit picky nit-pick ever--once someone pointed out that I had two spaces where there should be one. That was the most nit-picky nit-pick ever... this is the second-most nit-picky nit-pick ever, then. ^.^ Also, the word "arrive" seems strange in this sentence, since I've never heard someone say "arriving closer." Maybe try "...as we drew closer..." or even "...as we neared..."

I lifted my sleeve to my mouth as I seriously wondered if this was a good idea.

Why is she lifting her sleeve to her mouth? It almost seems like she might be chewing it, or something (like an eight-year-old with a nervous habit, you know?) but given her OCD, that doesn't sound likely. Maybe she's lifting it to block out a bad smell? No, then she'd lift it to her nose, not her mouth. I give up!

I grabbed the closest leaf to me, wiping my feet with it.

This is what Rachael was talking about with the temporal semantics. This sentence implies that she's wiping her feet as she's grabbing the leaf, which isn't physically possibly. Maybe say something more like: "I grabbed the closest leaf to me and promptly wiped my feet with it."

My eyes shot from one spot to another and they were desperate in search of my sister.

Okay. I know you're trying to fix what Rachael said, and this is completely correct... but it sounds really weird. >.< I would make it something more like: "My eyes shot from one spot to another desperately searching for my sister." That sounds better to me, and I am 99.9% sure it's correct. You might want to check it with her, though. Just in case... ^.^

"Aimee?" I whispered rather stupidly. "Aimee?" This time, I called louder.

This format of "Aimee?" [comment] "Aimee?" [comment] is a little too repetitive for my liking. Maybe try, ""Aimee?" I whispered the word rather stupidly. Then, panic rising, I called louder, "Aimee?"" Or something like that. ^.^

I squinted my eyes in hope of spotting a glimmer of colour, or a glance of Aimee's colourful clothes.

This struck me as odd: it sounds like you're giving two different examples (the glimmer of color, and the glance of Aimee's colorful clothes) but you're really only giving one, but disguised it as two (the glimmer of the color of Aimee's colorful clothes, and a glance of Aimee's colorful clothes). Nice try. :P

It was a car. At the end of the road, there was a small car.

Take out one of these sentences. Either one would be fine, but having both is a bit much.
-----------------------------------------

Phew. That was tedious. But you asked for it! :P

Okay. Since that nit-pick is already about ten miles long, I'm going to try not to ramble with this part. First, let me gush a little: I loved this chapter! Honestly, I was playing spades with my family last night and I was reading this in between turns. It meant I didn't know whether the ace had been played (and probably contributed to my team having a score of 16 when the other team won with a score of 500+) but it was worth it. I couldn't put my laptop down! The characters are being developed really nicely, and I (like everyone else, apparently) can't wait to see how Zoey and Charlie meet.

Okay. That said, I agree with Pink and a few other people that the OCD seems a little overdone. But I don't agree with them that you should tone it down. You see, I think the reason it seems overdone is that you don't make it believable. May I hazard a guess and say that you are not someone who understands what it's like to obsess over a wrinkled bed-sheet? ^.~ I can see by her actions that she has OCD, but I think I need to see some of her motives in order for it to be really believable. Some places are fine, but some parts can certainly use some more of you showing her thought process. For instance, give her more reason to panic when she hears the footsteps. Explain that in their family nobody walks around after ten o'clock. Explain that she thought everyone in her house was asleep. A little more background will make it feel more realistic, methinks.

Another thing I wondered about was Zoey's motives for following her sister. You say that she's concerned about this "boyfriend" mugging Aimee (I have a friend who spells her name that way!) but you also say she's curious about him. But I can't tell which sentiment is stronger, because these are both things that I was told not shown. Again, I'd like to see more thought process behind these sentiments.

Another thing I noticed is rather nit-picky, but I thought I'd bring it up. I've mentioned this before, but you use the word "my" a lot. "My house," "my driveway." It just seems weird to me. But it's really minor. Also, I'd just like to say (since a lot of people seem to be harping on you for this) that I didn't think this chapter's description of Aimee clashed at all with the one in the last chapter. She seemed robust as well as meek in the last chapter, and she seems meek as well as robust in this one. I love it.

One more thing I think you may want to consider is changing the order of this and the last sentence. You see, the way it is now, I know the whole time who Aimee is... and what's going to happen to her. You might want this, since it's heart-wrenching to read a scene and know it's the last time the sisters will talk--and it's heart-wrenching to read about how close Zoey was to catching up with her sister and, maybe prevent her from dieing. But I also think it might be an interesting effect if it was the other way around.

Anyway, I really really have to go now, so I'll end here.

Hope this helps! Please PM/write on my wall etc. if you want to. ^.^

a

Hey, Skins. I'm here as you requested. Anyway, I haven't read the previous chapters so I have no idea what the plot is. xD

Nitpicks:

Something was... off.

- Don't put space after an ellipsis.

I lifted myself out of my warm bed and into the chilled air of my room.

- I don't think 'chilled' is correctly used here. Maybe, 'chilly'?

Whatever happened to global warming?

- I don' think the word 'whatver' expresses question.

...poking out of my wardrobe or dawers...

- Typo: 'drawers'

...and wandered over towards my bookshelf.

- Wandered? xD I actually don't have much problem with it but it seemed a little inappropriate. Try the word 'saunter'.

What if one of the pages had curled over? Or even worse, ripped?

- Ooh. Good job on making the book seem fragile. xD

I hastily bent down before picking the book up.

- Before? Maybe, you meant 'I hastily bent down to pick the book up.'

There was a creak.

- This is actually just fine for me but maybe, it is better this way: 'I heard a creak.' or something like that. xD

...in the middle of hte night.

- Typo: 'the'

I'm going to die. Oh my God, I'm going to die.

- Haha, I loved this part.

Of course they would.

- I think, you should put a comma after 'Of course'.

I'd ena decent person.

- 'ena'?

I opened my eyes wide to see Aimee...

- Maybe, it is better if it was: 'I opened my eyes and saw Aimee'

"Fourty eight minutes to, to be exact."

- Why did you have to repeat 'to'? If she stuttered, then I suggest writing it as something like this: 'Fourty eight minutes to- to be exact'

She was wearing a tight vest top tha clinched...

- Typo: 'that'

I pulled a jumper over my pyjama...

- Didn't you mean 'pajamas'?

...and even more determained to stop her from getting mugged.

- Typo: 'determined'

I instantly cursed when I tripped over one of the steps.

- The adverb 'instantly' seemed to be weak here. I suggest rewriting this part.

I jogged up my driveway after making sure that I'd closed my front door.

- You kept on using 'my. You can use 'the', you know?

...to see her so called boyfriend.

- I think, you should hyphenate 'so' and 'called'.

I'd never forgotten to take it out. Until now.

- The last sentence can't be an independent fragment. Maybe, rephrase it like this: 'I'd never forgotton to take it out...until now.'

...and it eventually flew into the rain filled sky.

- I think, you should hyphenate 'rain' and 'filled'.

Almost there

- I think, you forgot to put a period after this.


This chapter's interesting. It keeps the reader reading. The personalities of the two characters that were in this chapter were distinctly made too. By the way, after the part where you mentioned that it started to rain, you didn't say anything like putting a hood on 'cause later in the chapter, Zoey tapped her hoodie at her forehead.

At the beginning, you didn't put enough description as to what Zoey was doing. Was she just standing, looking around her room? The part where you said that she was struggling from her sleepiness made me think that she was lying on the bed. I got confused. That part seemed left blank.

I've got pretty much nothing else to say so...ciao! xD Keep up the good work.

Feedback time!

Thanks to everyone for being so patient with me on this part... It was like attack of the typos. This is what lack of spell checker does to me, my friends. It hurts my soul. Thanks for all of the reviews, guys!

@Rachael/God - Thanks a bunch for explaining the whole dangling modifiers thing. I'm not 100% sure of every sentence that is one, but I have an idea now. I hadn't even heard of them before this, so thank you! Hopefully, the more I work at it, the less of them you'll be seeing in my writing.

@Punk/ugly mug - *Looks over review* Ah, the book thing. This is going to sound weird, but I actually wanted the whlole book thing to come across as rather boring. I wanted it to show that, to be honest, Zoey's life is rather... Well, not exactly boring exactly, but ordinary... Maybe? Kind of like, books being in the wrong place is as exciting as it gets for her. As her chapters go on, I want to show that because of her OCDness, she's held herself back a bit and hasn't been daring at all, living in comfort because of her fears kind of thing... *Stops teling the story.* Sorry. Does that make sense though?

@Azila/God2 - Thanks for nit-picking so specifically! Seriously, my lack of keyboard skills actually hurt people, I think. I shall begin with the "my" thing. I don't know whether it's a British/Welsh thing, but that's always how I refer to things. When I'm speaking, for example, I always say "my mum, my dad, my house, my driveway e.t.c." That's why I put it into my writing, I think. Overall, thanks for the advice! I will certainly be using it when I bring my lazy arse to edit this.

@Punk/ugly mug, Mizzle fa shizzle and Ellie - Okay... Pills! Funnily enough, I had actually intended for Zoey to have to take pills. By that, I mean that she does. I just happened not to have mentioned it in the chapter... xD I'm not sure if I'm going to do that now though. Azila suggested that I support her OCDish actions with motives, and I think that could work, so I may try that. I'm a little worried that if I do throw pills into it, I'll get my facts wrong. I suck at facts, which is why maths puzzles me.

@Some of you ginger wonderful people - Okay, let's see... Aimee's character. I'll start with what Ellie said on her seeming different in this chapter compared to when we saw her in the park. It's really hard actually because I'm imagining Aimee's character to generally be a rather confident one, but when she's in an awkward situation - watching a load of teenage boys threatening each other, for example - she gets worried and that. Because I can't get into her head, plus she's kind of like dead now... I can't show that really. I did try and make her character seem at least a little bit similar though in this chapter compared to the last.

As for her looks, meh, I didn't want to go for the sterotype of brunette pixie cut. Besides, describing her like that in this chapter, when in the last chapter, I described her as blonde and that wouldn't really work...

I was meant to write something else here, but I forgot what it was... I might remember later. Might...

@Everyone - I'm a litle worried now because quite a few of you seem to be expecting some kind of grand meeting between Charlie and Zoey... I have planned on how they'll meet, but I'm concerned that it's rather boring. I'll stick to what I've planned and post it, but if it is too boring, I'll scrap it and write it up again.

Skinsyyyyyyyyy! :


Again I love this! All your reveiws are freakishly long! Woah, you must mean alot too all of them skinsy cuz they spend a lot of time on you! Are you thankful? *Holds mike in front of mouth*
Good good. Now for the story. To let you know early. No I refuse to write a review that long. You already have loads. I feel mean. But I really amn't. Harrumph! Plus I can't say anything new? Everyone else already has so all I can give is my opinion. Which won't take a really long review so next time I promise I'll come sooner to give you a really loong review. *Offers pinky*

So I thought this was really good. I showed what a freak she was. With the boook thing. It was really cool because I was really into it. This story could go into soo many different ways. So I love it especially for that! Your description was perfect and imagery was great! Never come across better. No grammar errors that I could see!

I loved the whole story. It was moving the whole time at a fast pace which is good. I hate slow moving stories. *Gulps I KNOW i'LL WRITE MORE SOON *

So skinsy the pressure is on! Get writing skinsy and congrats on being featured.
Wow. Your moving on quickly!
Good job-Loved it.
Nominating you for a badge and sending you more points.
Well done!!
Kaka
Merry easter!
*DONT COMMENT ON THAT!*

Umm...Skinso, I'm so sorry that I'd forgotten about posting this. Oh well... I hope this old review is still useful for you. *sigh* My fault. Sarreh...

12-30-10
17:09 8+ GMT

Okay, first for nitpicks. =)

There didn't appear to be any clothes poking out of my wardrobe or drawers....

I couldn't quite reach <the book or it or something, maybe?>.

I'd ena decent person.

Okay, so this surprised me. I'm guessing: "I'd been a decent person"? Just a guess.

It's almost eleven o'<no space>clock.

What... What are you doing?

Now, I myself isn't so sure about this: You keep putting a space after the ellipsis. This isn't a nitpick, but rather a question: Do you put a space after the ellipsis. I tried searching about it. Maybe you can help me? (wow. Ever heard of someone reviewing and asking the reviewee questions regarding grammar? LOL Sarreh. Maybe there's rule. I'm not born in the language, so, I don't know. Pathetic, am I not? )

....it was now fifty-two minutes to eleven.

You'd probab-"

Okay, this has been repeated for quite a lot of times now. You don't use a hyphen here when pointing out a "cut" in someone's dialogue; you use an em-dash, which is composed of two hyphens. =)

If it wasn't the middle of the night, she so would have slammed it hard.

I was determined to find out who Aimee's mystery boyfriend was, and even more determined to stop her from getting mugged.

I had to know what I was doing, where I was going.

There were two ways I could have gone: a forest or a long road.

The trees were providing <me?>shelter from the rain right now, but shelter really didn't feel like the right word to use.

Almost there. I pulled myself onwards.

There was no hope from the moon either, which was cast over by grey storm clouds.

I think you meant "gray". Note that there's a difference between gray and grey: Gray pertains to color; whereas, grey refers to a melancholic atmosphere. =)

Okay, so most of the nitpicks were typos; the others are suggestions.

MY OPINIONATED OVERALL

First, Skinso, why were there so many typos here? O_o. You’re not like this. Were you writing this in haste or something? Never mind anyway, 'cause this was fine. Though I just have a feeling you didn't read this over. Though your phrasing was beginning to be style now. It's awesome.

Okay, on with more important stuffs like...umm...since I can't really comment on your writing much, I'd rather comment on what I think of the characters and what I think is going on? Would that be fine?

Umm...Though really, I only have one last thing to say: I didn't understand why Aimee had to linger in Zoey's bedroom before she left. It was like you just inserted that event so Zoey would have a reason to stop her sister from going. (I feel like Zoey's 14 by the way; Aimee 16 to 18.) Now, what I think--what I suggest really--is that you make Zoey hear someone creeping around the house. Then she rebelled against all sensible senses (whut? ) and went outside to see who it was, with the book in her hand. (Never mind the last line. That was random.) Because when Aimee went all "Zoey...Zoey...", it seemed pointless--for her--to have done that. What really did she want? Except, of course, they share the same bedroom, which I highly doubt, because of two things: you didn't mention it, and everything was in order in Zoey's bedroom.

So that was pretty much it. Zoey. Is. Cool. I like her character. She's has OCD. Haha...by the way. Nice job. Keep writing!


~ Jash ♥

Hey Skins. I haven't read what others have said, so sorry if I repeat myself.

I really liked your this chapter, and it's true. I really didn't find much errors, which I think is a good sign. Your writing as I have always said has improved a lot, and you just need to keep writing this and not give up on it. To begin with, I have a slight issue. In the lines of the beginning she says that something was not right, and that the place looked a mess. Right? But then she gets up from her bed. So what I want to know is that even though she could peek from the blanket, but still how can she make out that her room was not in an order? That's my concern and that's the biggest thing that went haywire. You should have maybe avoided her making sleep or trying to sleep. She could have been sitting up and trying to sleep, maybe? Maybe that's what you showed, too, but it wasn't clear. Your words should tell us clearly.

Second thing I'd like to say is that even though your phrases concerning the heart were quite good, they were too much. Not only many they were, but also there wasn't gap between one phrase and another. I mean you said something like heart coming up the throat, but then in the next or the previous line you had used a phrase with heart, again. That's not that important, but the fact that your most of the description of her fear was done through these kind of phrases. You can more problems or symptoms of fear other than the ones where heart dilates or pulsates higher than the normal rate. Just keep that in mind. One good thing though which happened with your writing is that you have less repetitions and you try to ring in more new words and imagery. Your imagery at times is very good and I feel like applauding you for them. So good done. *cheers*

My other problem with this all was that just one displaced book was too much of a concern for her. She was maybe over-reacting. I understand that she's a cleanliness freak, but still sometimes I felt she was being too cranky for our taste or for normality. Her character should be toned down a bit, maybe? I know you want her to appear as some very perfectionist, but still I'd like to see a bit of normal thing here. She could have been less worried about all this. Other thing which makes me a bit skeptical is that this girl gets a visit from her sister. Knowing her own sister, Aimee might not have taken u the risk of letting Zoey know where she was going to disappear. For the first, her sister might tell her parents, or maybe if not that then she might follow her, which she eventually does. I also didn't get the whole point of why she came to tell Zoey where she was going. I know it's possible to tell what exactly Aimee had been feeling if we go by her POV which we of course are not, but still you could bring in this point from some dialog or maybe just a bit of mention of this question on Zoey's mind? That'd make it more realistic.

Lastly, I am really excited to see how exactly are Zoey and Charlie meet, and whatever happens to her sister. And also who the person is in the car? I can't wait for the next chapter, and I'd try to come here as early as possible for the next times. I had some minor issues with some sentences, but I didn't bother you with them, also because you already warned us that we'd be having loads of typos in here.

Hope this helps,
Shubhi

*waves*

Tiger here to review after so long (been reviewing over a series of days. Yep, I'm lazy ). And for some odd, disconcerting reason, YWS recommended this for me...

Skins wrote:
"You'd swear I was the younger sister here!" Aimee shouted, soon lowering her tone when she realised that she could easily wake my our? parents up. "Look, I'm going, okay?"

Disallowing Not allowing? Disallowing sounds awkward here me to get another word in, she pulled my door open and left my room. If it wasn't the middle of the night, she most definitely would have slammed it hard. It wasn't long until I could hear her footsteps tip-toeing down the stairs. Oh, I was so following her.

I thought she was trying to be quiet? If her sister could hear her tip-toeing, she must have been quite loud.

Hurriedly grabbing whatever shoes I could, I soon got myself dressed. I pulled a jumper over my pajama top and then wore a pair of boyfirend boyfriend style jeans over my bottoms. Just as I passed the long mirror that hung on my wall, I paused. My shoes clashed horribly with the rest of my clothes. I couldn't wear them. Yanking them off my feet, I placed my pink pumps into their correct area and searched for something different. I was wearing white and blue, so black would be fine. After catching a glimpse of my school shoes, I then sarted shoving them onto my feet.

As I was putting them on, I heard the front door slyly close. Soon enough, I had left my room. I checked that everything was in place before I did so, of course. The moment I stepped out of my room, the eerie silence of my house overwhelmed me. Maybe this isn't such a good idea... No, I had to do this. I was determined to find out who Aimee's mystery boyfriend was, and even more determined to stop her from getting mugged.

I'd never bene been to Amber Fountains before, and for good reasons too. The area was plastered all over the news,

I'm not sure this is the right expression to use. It refers more to a physical thing, if you know what I mean. What I think you should have used here is something like: was always mentioned in the news/ was always lambasted in the news/ had been portrayed negatively in the news. Just something along those lines, or an expression that fits better.

constantly informing me of the dangers there. Mugging was a daily occurance there, and far worse happened too. I didn't know who Aimee's boyfriend was, so for all I knew, he could have been exactly like those criminals I saw on the television. There was no way I was letting her get into trouble.

Get rid of one there to avoid repetitiveness.

Darkness crept in up? on me as I made my way down the stairs. I cursed when I tripped over one on/down (you can't trip over a step) of the steps. The lights from the street outside were the only things providing any sense of direction for me. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have been able to see where I was going at all. The light crept in through the window at the bottom of the stairs, encouraging me to walk as it did so. I relaxed as my foot touched the laminated floor of my hallway.

The window is in or beside the front door, right? Because if it isn't, then it's not possible that the streetlights outside would have provided the light she needed, seeing as the window would have been at the back of the house (assuming it's across the hallway from the door).

I jogged up my driveway after making sure that I'd closed my front door. Yes! I could see Aimee ahead of me as she was just turning out of my our street. No way was I letting her get attacked and robbed. So long as I kept quiet, doing everything with perfected subtlety, I'd go unnoticed. The air wrapped itself around me, immediately making me shiver. I felt something cold sting my skin. It was raining. Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Keeping my eyes fixed on my older sister (may want to add that the rain made this a little difficult), I turned out of my street. I was dragging my feet along the pavement, ignoring my screaming mind which was begging for me to turn back. I couldn't go back now. If my sister was going out with some kid from Amber Fountains, I had to at least see him. Before he mugged her, anyway.

The rain continued to splash against my skin as I trudged along. I couldn't lose sight of Aimee. She was walking awfully fast, I had to admit. The further we got, the more noticeable my surroundings became.

Again, with a sentence like this remember to mention the impact of the rain on her sight, whether it made the houses seem grey/bleak/lifeless/blurry/hard-to-see. We both know how bad British weather can be.

I was used to ignoring the well-kept gardens and tidy houses around my neighbourhood, but as we drew closer to Amber Fountains, it was impossible not to notice those houses turning smaller, and their gardens gradually filling with waste and wilder grass. Did lack of money cause badly kept homes or something? I was incredibly tempted to grab a lawnmower and sort them out.

The word ignoring makes it seem she was making a conscious effort not to notice the gardens and houses. Which may make the reader wonder exactly what she was trying to ignore, although obviously she's not trying to ignore anything and it's a mistake in the reader's assumption...and basically it is slightly confusing. My advice is that you either find something else to replace ignoring, get rid of it because the sentence still makes perfect sense without it.

I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear as I seriously wondered if this was a good idea.

This sentence is a bit off. The 'off' part is mainly the word seriously, because it over-describes wondered and it also make the transition between Zoey's action and her thoughts seem off as well. So perhaps you should edit out seriously.

My mind had been set on Aimee getting mugged, but what if... What if it happened to me? The concrete underneath my feet was hard as I strolled across it, only making my nerves greater.

I don't understand this sentence. Is the concrete normally soft under her feet? Why would this make her more nervous? If she was going to get nervous all of a sudden, maybe she notices all the shadows, or she hears the drunken laughter of yobs (which, seeing as this is a night scene in Britain, she should have heard the moment she stepped into the area she's in now).

Aimee had done this before, she must have. She'd been fine all of those times, so it wasn't as though she really needed anyone following her. But then again, I desperately wanted to see her so-called boyfriend. Besides, there was a first time for everything, and tonight could have been (watch those tenses) the first for her getting attacked.

I pushed myself onwards, concentrating on the ground underneath me. The second I did so, I paused.

Concentrating is in past continuous. Which is basically telling us that she'd been doing the action for some time. Yet you wrote afterwards 'The second I did so'. Obviously, these two things clash. Perhaps you could write in replacement for 'concentrating on the ground underneath me':turning my head down/looked down to concentrate on the ground.

My shoes looked horrible. Oh my God, they were covered in mud. If I didn't wipe it off now, the mud would stick to the shoes, and possibly stain them. I instantly bent down before making sure that no other part of me was toucheding the dirty ground.

She performed the action of bending instantly...after:

1) Spending the time to look at the shoes and worry about them.
2) Performing the action of checking that nothing else was muddy.

That doesn't sound very...instant. Maybe you should get rid of the instantly? And would the mud really stick to her shoes if it was raining?

I grabbed the closest leaf to me and promptly a bit of an over-description; it makes the action sound awkward wiped my feet with it. This entire situation was ghastly. I was going to have to use an awful lot of anti-bacterial wipes and disinfectant when I got home.

After finallly getting rid of the mud on my shoes, I stood back up and straightened myself out. I stared ahead of me, squinting my eyes Unnecessary. She can only squint with her eyes after all in the darkness. Where was Aimee? My eyes shot from one spot to another, desperately searching for my sister. She was gone. Oh my God, she was gone.

"Aimee?" I whispered the word rather stupidly Are the last two words meant to describe the action; or are they her thoughts on it? If the latter, then you should put a comma before them . Then, panic rising, I called louder, "Aimee?!"

Silence. As the whole of my insides turned, I spun around, foolishly thinking that she may have been behind me somehow. I was soon disappointed. There wasn't a living soul around. Not one.

The whole of her insides? Should whole really be there? It seems more as if you're referring to her stomach turning/flipping, rather than her insides. After all, her insides cover a large area and well...the imagery isn't quite the same.

I remained in the same spot, all the while patting my legs and the front of my hoodie in a panicked rush. I'd left my phone in the house. How could I have forgotten my phone? I never forgot my phone. I kept it to the left of my top drawer, just on top of my notepad. I'd never forgotten to take it out. Until now.

Where was I? I spun around about a thousand times, aimlessley (that last 'e' shouldn't be there) looking for something I could recognise. I had absolutely no idea where I was. I was lost. No, no, no. I had to know what I was doing; where I was going. I couldn't just not know. I always knew where I was going, where things were, even what time it
was. Getting lost didn't happen, not to me. My heart rate began accelerating again.

Maybe I could find Aimee. She couldn't have gone that far. I had a vague idea of which direction she'd gone in, so if I could just find her, I'd be fine. Speeding up, I began hurrying ahead. The rain was coming down heavier now, the cold air cold air or cold water? feeling as though it was slicing into my skin. I came to a stop when I reached the end of the pavement.

There were two ways I could have gone. A forest or a long road. I thought she was in some sort of residential area? How did a forest suddenly spring up? Or is that just common in Wales? Which one led to Amber Fountains? One thing that was clear was the fact that the forest was a lot less inviting than the open road. The trees were bare, their branches stretching outwards as though they were trying to grasp onto me and pull me into the darkness. Whichever way I chose to go, I'd have no idea where I'd end up.

I squinted my eyes in hope of spotting a glimmer of colour, or a glance of Aimee's long hair. I froze when I saw a sudden flash of blonde hair at the end of the dimly lit forest.

It was night-time, the area was dimly-lit, she was just recovering from a fair amount of disorientation and the rain was coming down heavy, and yet she was able to see a flash of blonde hair in the far distance. Is Zoey maybe superhuman?

I couldn't wait any longer. I immediately turned around, soonbolting back towards where I came from. My feet slammed against the damp ground of the forest, every step I made echoing loudly.

An echo? Really? Not as much rain would be pouring down into the forest as outside, but the noise would still be enough to drown any other noise (which also defeats the purpose of Zoey's shouting). And would her footsteps really echo in a forest? Where the ground is covered in soggy/crackly leaves or not-hard-enough earth depending on the season?

The birds around me tweeted at the noise I was making, animals rustled in the bushes and the raindrops crashed against the tree's leaves.

She wouldn't be able to hear the tweets. Not in the noise and in her panic. And wouldn't the birds and other animals be out of the rain?

The second I caught sight of grey colours, I felt myself let out a huge breath. Almost there. I pulled myself onwards. The grey concrete and the pale houses were gradually becoming clearer. As quickly as I'd been trapped in the forest, I was free. I came to a halt, catching my breath as I stood on the wet concrete outside the forest.

I had to turn back. Find my way home. Cursing inwardly, I turned around, my back now to the road and the forest. I wasn't welcomed by a familiar comfort though, but a dreadful attack of insecurity. I still didn't recognise a thing. Not a blade of grass or a piece of gravel. How was I supposed to get home? The street lights appeared to be even weaker now, allowing the darkness to suffocate me. There was no hope hope or help? from the moon either; that was cast over by grey storm clouds.

Ignoring every emotion inside of me, I forced myself onwards, and advanced towards in the direction of I think this should be by which I came. That was a lot easier said than done. I couldn't even remember which way I'd come. What was wrong with me? I was Zoey Cardle. This didn't happen to me; I was always prepared. Always.

As I continued toddling like some helpless child, my eyes began stinging and filling with salty water. I bit my lip and forced my eyes to stay dry. Panicking only makes things worse, Zoey. You know that. Besides, you'll be fine. The chances of you getting hurt are seriously slim. No matter how much logic I threw into my mind, the panic never left. I knew that it could have been worse. I mean, I could have been in Amber Fountains itself.

I wasn't in my neighbourhood either though. It was like I was trapped in-between the both of them.

I think this should be a new paragraph, seeing as we've left her thoughts and returned to her actions. All the while, I was anxiously pacing back and forth. My eyesight had become blurry, turning the houses in the distance into puddles of water. A teardrop fell rolled? down my freezing cheek. My hands were shaking, my body sweating as I sat down on the pavement. I didn't care if I got mud or dirt on myself anymore. Where was Aimee? Where was my house? Where was I?

So there weren't many nitpicks I could find to be honest. Let's break this down again.

Zoey Cardle

I like her. I really do. It seems you've made her slightly OCD-ish, and this comes across really well and adds to her personality and depth. I also like how you've set her apart from Charlie by establishing certain differences; in their social class, in their views and their outlooks. However, I think that the part where she follows her sister defected slightly from her nature. She seems like a person who plans everything, so the fact that she did not take either her phone and/or a map when she knew she was going somewhere she'd never been before in her life bothered me a little. It doesn't seem totally true to her nature. She would have known, judging from how orderly she is, where both things were and so it wouldn't have taken much time to get them even if she was rushing after Aimee. Just something I felt the need to point out.

And this is somewhat unrelated to the story, but do you watch X-Factor? Because Zoey's surname reminds me of a certain contestant. *cough* Matt Cardle *cough*


Aimee Cardle

Hmm. Aimee. She doesn't seem to have much of a personality yet; in that way she reminds me of Will from Chapter One. You haven't fleshed her out enough, or showed us much of her personality, and she currently seems like a plot device to keep the story moving. Certainly, her coming into her sister's room to tell her she's leaving to meet her boyfriend was, well, random. Why didn't she just leave? Telling Zoey she was leaving accomplished nothing. She didn't ask her to provide some sort-of alibi if their parents found out, it's not like Zoey caught her leaving and so she was forced to explain herself. There was absolutely no reason for her to go into her little sister's room. It actually would make more sense if she had been caught leaving by Zoey.

Oh and, is she the girl who gets killed? Because it sure looks like it now. Or perhaps I'm jumping to conclusions; I seriously need to read part four.

Coincidences, Convenience and Realism

First of all, why did Zoey wake up? Because although you mentioned the mess was stopping her from sleeping, the fact that you also mentioned that someone must have been in her room means that she had been sleeping, otherwise she would have seen this person. So why did she wake up? She might be an OCD-ish clean freak, but she wouldn't just wake up because someone had made a mess in her room. Not unless she is indeed superhuman and has some sort-of psychic power to tell when there's a mess about. Did the intruder make a noise? Did they maybe move her cover slightly, so that cold air got in and she woke up from the heat loss? Or did they maybe leave the door open so that the same thing happened?

And was the intruder meant to be Aimee? If so:

-Why was she there?

-Why did she touch Zoey's books?

-Why hadn't she left by then?

If not:

-Who was it?

-What did they want with a book?

-Why were they there?

The next thing I want to point out is the rain. After you first mentioned it, it seems like you forgot about it mostly. The exact same thing happened in Part 1, when it almost seemed Maxxie had forgotten about the rain (by the way, he should actually have a cold, or hypothermia because of his exposure to the cold air and rain). You mention it, but you forgot to mention how directly it would impact Zoey's vision. In heavy rain, she should barely have been able to see clearly more than a few feet in front of her, especially at night. Realistically, her sight should have been as limited as if she was in a fog. She would only have seen Aimee every now and then, as a silhouette in the distance. She would have been freezing cold, seeing as her clothes would have been soaked (a jumper would be especially soaked). The noise of the rain hitting the pavement would have meant that she could barely hear anything (and as I think I mentioned in the nitpicks, would have rendered her shouting for Aimee useless). You have to remember the impact of the elements. And at the end when she's crying, it might be difficult for her to tell her tears and the raindrops apart.

Next: Why did Zoey give up? She went out to follow her sister, and she was determined. It was dark. It was cold. It was wet. She could barely see, she was lost and suffered a short panic attack. But she overcame these things and pressed on. After all of that, why did she suddenly turn around and leave? She saw what she thought was a glimpse of Aimee, and this encouraged her. But then because her sister didn't answer her (which I'll state for the third time, was highly improbable for her to do, and Zoey ought to have realized this) she gives up all of a sudden, turns around and goes home. Huh? From what you've shown us, Zoey's no quitter. She perseveres; she overcomes. She wouldn't turn around just because of that.

Over-Description

I noticed this in Part 1. Then it happened a bit more in Part 2. Now I've seen quite a bit of it in Part 3. And it's starting to bother me a little. Two examples.

I squinted my eyes

This comes up often. And it sticks out because, well, you wouldn't exactly squint with anything else. (If you can, I owe you £10.)

I grabbed the closest leaf to me and promptly wiped my feet with it.

The descriptive word didn't really fit with the sentence, and it was just unnecessary.

It's strange because you didn't write this way in Can You See Me, and it's just a little off-putting. I recommend that you try and weed out anywhere that you over-described. You've got to show the reader, not stuff their faces in it.

All In All

Though I think I now like Zoey slightly better than Charlie, the convenience of the events in this chapter makes me prefer Part 1 and 2. You got the character down to a T, but the sequence of events, the reasons behind them and Zoey's reaction make this part seem...strange. Odd. Queer. I wouldn't say I disliked it, but it didn't carry me a long like the first chapter did. I followed it instead, if you get what I mean. So great job, and KEEP WRITING! Now I will read the fourth part.

Tiger