Not being able to bear it any longer, I lifted myself out of my warm bed and into the chilled air of my room.
There are a few things I don't like about this sentence. As the reviewer above pointed out, you have a tendency for "over-description", or the use of too many words where a few will probably say enough. I think you can replace "not being able" with "unable", and "lifted myself" with "climbed". It flows better. Also, why is the air "chilled"? That suggests a physical action, almost like chilling a bottle of beer. It might just be personal, but I think "chilly" might work better. Up to you.
It was like a nagging in my mind, forcing me to stay awake.
The noun form of "nagging" doesn't work that well here. I'd consider rephrasing it so you use the verb.
Oh, gosh!
A few people have mentioned the very severe OCD. I can't claim to know anything about it myself, but this expression doesn't help with us taking it seriously. It makes Zoey sound a little like a cartoon character. I'd use "God", just so you don't end up with a kind of "gosh darn it to heck" thing going on. In fact, having read Azila's review, I concur with the point about believability. You can stretch reality, but you need to make us go along with you.
I carefully put the book into its correct place on the second shelf, four books in on the left. I heard a creak. I froze.
I'm loathe to suggest the use of "suddenly", but there needs to be some transition between the book being repositioned and the creak.
Even if there was a robber in my house, I doubt they'd kill me.
It's even more unlikely that they'd whisper, "Zoey." xD
She began twirling her dyed blonde hair again, this time, a bit more aggressively.
I'd rephrase the last part with "a bit more aggressively than before". It flows a bit better because the "this time" doesn't break up the sentence.
I then sarted shoving them onto my feet.
*started.
I was determined to find out who Aimee's mystery boyfriend was, and even more determined to stop her from getting mugged.
Doesn't Zoey have any second thoughts about this, considering what she knows about the area? After all, she's just nearly had a panic attack because her sister was at her door. I find it hard to believe, so soon after that, that she goes running after her sister in the night without trying to justify it first, and reassure herself.
If my sister was going out with some kid from Amber Fountains, I had to at least see him. Before he mugged her, anyway.
I thought Zoey mentioned earlier that Aimee had been going out with him for around four months. Why does Zoey decide to go after her now? Again, there's a little justification, but it doesn't seem like enough, unless Aimee's never met up with him before. Maybe some description of the night would help to introduce some fear a bit earlier on, as well as some reasoning - "this is far too late for Aimee to meet her boyfriend" - for Zoey to risk it. I just get the idea it should be a harder decision for her to make. You mention that Zoey believes Aimee has been out alone before, too, and part of her motive for going out is just to see this boyfriend. She picks an odd time to decide on it.
they were coverd in mud.
*covered
"Aimee?" I whispered the word rather stupidly.
You have a tendency to use the word "stupid" quite a bit. It's a little too informal at times. I don't really understand why it's used here. I'd cut from "rather"; the whole sentence will be eerier for it.
Speeding up, I began hurrying ahead.
Either cut "speeding up" or replace "hurrying". Both give the same implication: pace. We don't need to have two words to tell us.
The rain was coming down a little heavier now, the cold air feeling as though it was slicing into my skin.
You have a bit of an attachment to these present participles (or whatever the modern term for them is!). I'd replace the second half of the sentence with, "and the cold air felt as though..."
I squinted in hope of spotting a glimmer of colour, or a glance of Aimee's long hair. I froze when I saw a sudden flash of blonde hair at the end of the dimly lit forest. It was Aimee. It had to be. No matter how scary the place looked, I knew I'd just seen Aimee, my big sister. I burst into a jog and headed straight towards the forest.
The forest turned out to be a lot bigger than I thought, and it had engulfed me an awful lot quicker than I thought was possible. After what felt like a few seconds of running, I was well into the forest. I paused for a moment before stopping in my tracks. I was a lot deeper into the forest than I thought.
There are only so many times you can repeat a noun before it becomes obvious to the reader. I'd use "woods" a few times, or just cut the nouns where you can.
Once again, I called for my sister. Nothing. There was a rustling sound.
Again, that lack of transition that masks the impact of that sound. Try starting a new paragraph.
The vehicle drove closer, my entire body freezing as it did so.
Not sure how those two things are connected, especially with the participle you've used. Is there something about the car that seems threatening? I mean, I can understand that one of those black Audi cars resembling tanks would be scary, but you don't really describe it any more than "the vehicle". Even the sound would probably be threatening at that time of night, actually, but we don't get to share any of Zoey's terror.
Again, there's so little for me to pick at that I'm struggling to review. As I said at the beginning, Zoey's character opens up a whole new storyline for us and doesn't distract from Charlie's as I thought it might (I'm awful for picking a favourite POV and skipping chunks in some novels). I'm glad that we get to see a little more of the mysterious girl, or Aimee as I suppose I'd better call her now. If there's anything I want to point out that I haven't above, it's the sentence structure. It's a pet peeve of mine when writers don't vary their sentence structure, because I start to pick up on the full stops when the flow is irregular.
In this case, you have a lot of very short sentences beginning with I, occasionally. It works in moderation, but then we come to points where we really should be shocked, or following Zoey's thought process - as with those two sound effects I've highlighted in the nitpicks. It's sometimes hard to pick up on those because we're distracted by the jerky flow that comes with an overuse of full stops, and the meaning tends to be lost. On a similar note, I agree with RachaelElg about the problems with the, uh, dangling modifiers, and the overuse of such sentences. I didn't spot any that were technically grammatically incorrect, but there are still a few sentences with a lot of "-ing" participles that wreck the flow.
So, that's all I wanted to say. Hope this is helpful, anyway.
- Jet.
(Yeah, I don't do that very often - but I couldn't resist!)
