The Masquerader Chap. 4

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Maliel is a country that has been taken over by the growing Durtianian Empire. The Masquerader is a masked vigilante that attacks the Durtanian army. A rebel group plans action but has yet to acutally do anything. Camden Bartolv was arrested at on of the secret meetings because there was a spy in their midst. Camden was sentenced to death and was supposed to be hanged at dawn, but the Masquerader and another ally saved the day. Now, she's hurt and in Rostoloff's care. One thing... She is the traitor queen, Ranael!

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Camden stared at the tattoo on the Masquerader's shoulder, her shoulder. The ornate cross of royalty stood out on Ranael of the Laleor family's pale shoulder in a bold crimson. He didn't really see Ranael though. The sight of another woman pale against the sheets reminded him of his mother in sickness and death. It brought memories that had been buried for good reason.
She lay pale and covered in sweat that reflected the candlelight dancing along the walls. Her dirty, blonde hair surrounded her in damp locks. Her eyelids fluttered tiredly. Her mouth barely moved as she recited the prayers she had learned in school.
Dried vomit trailed from the corner of her mouth, missed by the neighbor that had taken care of her during the afternoon.
His father knelt beside the bed and caressed her limp hand. His shoulders shook softly, and he whispered sweet nothings to ears that barely received.
She looked down as if awareness had just made an appearance and stopped praying. “Darling.”
Her returned her gaze and tried at a reassuring smile.
“Darling, I'm sorry.”
He sniffed and hid his wet cheeks. “For what, dearest?”
Her fingers trailed down his jaw, memorizing the feel of the rough skin. “For giving up.”
“What?” He forgot his shame and showed his face. His eyes searched hers. He was afraid of the true meaning of her words.
She laughed quietly and closed her eyes, squeezing the hand he gave her. “I love you.”
Her hand slid from his.
“I love you too. Oh, God, I love you too,” he sobbed and fondled the hand, kissing it lightly. “Don't leave me now. Not when I need you the most.”
Camden stood, unnoticed, staring at his broken father, wishing his mother would wake again to comfort him.

Nothing made any sense anymore.
The Masquerader, the man that had saved Camden from death was not only a woman but the traitor queen who had pushed for his execution not two days before.
“Why?” he inquired as Rostoloff came in from the kitchen.
Camden's frown deepened as Ranael stirred and her eyes snapped open.
She blinked quickly as her eyes adjusted and focused on a great bearded man leaning over her bed.
Rostoloff smiled warmly. “'Ello, miss. Yer one lucky girlie. That bullet missed most everything, 'cept you.”
Ranael sat quickly, and her lips twisted into a grimace. On a reflex she felt for her dagger, and panic rushed through as she realized all of her belongings weren't on her person. “Where is my mask, my arrows?” she whispered.
Watching her pain and searching with a cold amusement fueled by years of anger, Camden approached the side of the bed opposite of Rostoloff and answered, “Safe with us. You have many faces, Ranael of the Laelor family, and they don't all fit together.”
“Are you complaining?” She raised an eyebrow and asked, “Didn't one of those faces save your throat from the noose?”
“One of them put it there.”
She scoffed. “I always saw the revolutionary leader with a bit more intelligence. Can't you see the Masquerader couldn't save you from a bullet? A noose is simpler than a lump of steel flying through the air.”
Rostoloff interceded then, recognizing the same fire he had seen in the boy weeping, after his father's execution, in the eyes of this traitor queen.”May I point out that you, girlie, have been shot during Camden's rescue.” He glared at the boy and continued, addressing him, “She needs 'er rest not an interrogation.” He nodded toward the door. “Into the kitchen with ya, m' boy. M' patient would like a bit o' privacy fer me ta examine 'er wound.”
Camden frowned but obeyed with a long look at Ranael. “We are not done, and you are not a part of my cause. We share two different causes that have crossed paths for the time being. I refuse to return to any Laleor tyranny.”
Her eyes flashed, but she remained stoic in expression and language. “You know nothing, Bartolv,” she replied.
“I apologize fer Camden,” Rostoloff murmured after he left, “I don't think 'e can tell the difference between you and yer family.”
“You don't know my family.”
He smiled softly. “A little pride in yer family's healthy,and you're correct. I don't know yer family. Just what they did to us.”
“My father was a good man, a man with a public face and a private one. Camden had a brush with the worse of the two, the lie, the show.” She glanced around and found the room too small. “I can't stay here. The Terribles will notice my absence.”
Rostoloff nodded and moved to the end of the bed, opening a trunk. He pulled a dress out.
She blinked and frowned, perplexed. “Are you a friend, doctor?”
He held up the dress and snorted. “I think ya know m' name, Ranael of the Laleor family. Use it.”
“Are you a friend of mine, Rostoloff?”
He shrugged. “Right now, I suppose. Camden'll get mad at you bein' missin' and all, but I'll stick by m' gut this time.” He handed her the dress and warned, “But if we're betrayed and it's by yer hand, I'd watch out 'cause I learn m' lessons, and I'll kill ya.” He watched her struggle to get the dress on under the sheets, and his eyes softened at the whimpers of pain, just to loud to be masked. Finally, he took pity. “I operated on you, girlie. Let me help ya with the dress. I've seen it all before. One thing you learn in my occupation, all of ya are the same.”
Ranael blushed. “I don't think-
Rostoloff raised an eyebrow. “Think yer goin' ta get it on by yerself?” He nodded as she gave in, and quickly dressed her to relieve any awkwardness as soon as he could. “This'll have ta do. I think it'll be a good fit. It's the best dress here, m' wife's wedding dress. I saved up for weeks to buy the fabric.” His eyes softened, and he took a deep breath. “'E's angry... still.”
“My father sentenced his to death. It's understandable. Can you get the laces, please?”
He laughed quietly. “I had a time getting these things undone after the ceremony.” For a moment, as he saw another woman in his late wife's wedding dress, he grew sober. “Ya wonder why I 'elp you, Ranael of the Laeleor family.” He sighed. “Ya wonder why I disobey my leader.” He gently spun her around and continued in a whisper, “I believe no one can free a country alone, no man can lead a revolution without assistance o' an intellectual sort.” Rostoloff hesitated and went on slowly, “Camden is educated. O' course, I got me some education too, or I wouldn't be fixin' people up. 'E needs someone on his level to strategize an such. I don't 'ave that; I'm not on 'is level, ya see. You are.”
Ranael nodded, unable to do much else.
“Camden ain't the only important one 'ere, girlie. I believe you 'old more importance than ya see." He looked into her eyes for a long moment, trying to see if any of his words had gotten through. He sighed. "I'm hoping to get 'im calmed down this evening. If things go by the plan, 'e'll be deliverin' yer stuff tonight. If not... ya can't do much until yer healed up anyway.”
“Just keep them safe.” She turned to him and looked up, into his eyes. “Thank you for this. I hope we can be allies. I've been fighting alone for a long time.”
He shook his head. “Not alone. Just separate. We were goin' ta find each other anyway.” He led her to the door and watched her melt away into the alley.
A cloaked figure detached itself from the shadows and followed with a slow gait as it ran it's pale, bony fingers across the wooden walls, it's dark green cloak disappearing long before Ranael's white dress.
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Last edited by megsug on Sat Mar 12, 2011 5:50 pm, edited 12 times in total.
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She lay pale and covered in sweat that reflected the candlelight dancing along the walls. Her dirty, blonde hair surrounded her in damp locks. Her eyelids fluttered tiredly. Her mouth barely moved as she recited the prayers she had learned in school.


I got to say that is the BEST start of a chapter I've ever read :O It brings the reader in.
Just from reading this chapter I kind of got inspired to read the other chapters. I haven't been able to find any grammar mistakes.

Personally I don't find anything wrong with dialogue, I think it's perfect as it is :)
I really like your idea xD it's original and the tension in this chapter is brilliant. I especially love the finishing line, it really makes me want to read more :D

I hope you keep this story on :)
Cheers on the title :D
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

Alexx




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Oooh... that ending is a HUGE cliff hanger. Gosh, this is such an awesome book. I can't get enough of it! :D

The Flashback/memory: At first I thought it was Queen Ralaen being delusional again, but when I read
Camden stood, unnoticed, staring at his broken father, wishing his mother would wake again to comfort him.
It made me feel so bad for Camden again, he's been through so much!

I thought it was odd that Camden suddenly became angry at Ralaen/Masquerader. I get that he is confused and that nothing seems to make sense to him anymore but shouldn't he be happy that she saved his life? Before he would stand up for the Masquerader and do anything - even die - so that the Masquerader wouldn't die or get captured. Well, I guess he could be mad she would endanger herself like that, but I don't picture him being mad about that. He isn't much of a fan of the Queen... wouldn't he be glad that she is actually trying to take control of her country back? *thinks hard* I suppose I would be a confused about all that too, and it would be especially confusing for Camden. So, good job. :)

I know that Rostoloff is doctor but shouldn't Ralaen be a little - at least a teensy - bit embaressed to know that a grown man had seen her dressed improperly/in a night gown or whatever they had dressed her in? I know I would be.

I really liked the dialogue and how you started to add more emotions to this story. In the beginning (like Chapter One part One) it was more of description and introducing characters. I like description a lot but I'm happy that you brought more dialogue into the story. It makes it even more enjoyable. :)

Keep Writing! :D
~DeadEnds
"If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it." ~Toni Morrison




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Hi! :)

This review is incredibly late. Sorry for being so rubbish at getting round to it. But anyway! I love the bit with the Masquerader being vunerable, and Rostoloff being grumpy and then kind. Basically, I'm jealous of how three-dimensional all your characters are. XD And I really like the idea of people putting on different faces for different situations, and how that applies to both Ranael and her father.

(I did this review in two bits so sorry if the quotes are dotted about and in the wrong order)

Strangely enough, when I look at this page in 'post a reply', a larger section is in italics that when I look at it normally, so I'm not really sure how much of it is meant to be italicised. The one I'm looking at now makes more sense though, because the whole flashback is in italics instead of just half of it...

One thing I noticed about this chapter is that it jumps from one person's POV to another. For example, in the first bit after the flashback, one minute it's Camden's POV and then as soon as Ranael wakes up it switches to her quite suddenly:

Camden stared at the tattoo on the Masquerader's shoulder, her shoulder. The ornate cross of royalty stood out on Ranael of the Laleor family's pale shoulder in a bold crimson.
The masquerader, the man that had saved Camden from death was not only a woman but the traitor queen who had pushed for his execution not two days before.

and then

Ranael had been in beautiful, silent slumber since her surgery. Her consciousness began flickering, and slowly she became aware of a throb that encompassed her abdomen. Low voices appeared in her void, and suddenly... there was light.

I found this jumping around didn't completely work because it's so sudden, and there's no line break or anything to indicate that the perspective is changing. I think it might be better if it was just from Ranael's POV for this chapter maybe, because it would be more consistant and this chapter is really about her waking up in this strange place, and her reaction to it. On the other hand, then you'd have to cut out the bit about Camden looking at Ranael and being confused, which I really liked. So, maybe not... (lol, unhelpful comments much?)

Speaking of this, I love the way you started the chapter with the flashback. It was really atmospheric and I like the way you're gradually revealing more of his backstory. But I'm not sure if it really fits in here. Like I said, Camden isn't even in this chapter very much; it's mostly Ranael and Rostoloff. Perhaps this is just me being dumb, but I'm not really seeing the link between his memories of his childhood and watching the Masquerader. Is it because her actions somehow lead to the situation between his parents? Or is it just the thing about seeing a sleeping woman that caused him to reminisce? You might want to make the link between the two scenes more clearer so that the flashback fits in better.

Ranael sat quickly though her vision darkened as pain ravaged her body, stealing her breath. On a reflex she felt for her dagger, and panic rushed through as she realized all of her belongings weren't on her person. “Where is my mask, my arrows?” she whispered.

I'm nitpicking here, really, but I found this description jarred a little. I think it's because the word "ravaged" is very strong, suggesting she's in excrutiating pain, but it's hard to believe that she actually is because she's speaking, sitting up, checking for weapons etc, and generally acting like a person who's in merely mild pain. She seems to recover very quickly, as well. A statement like that needs backing up with actions, maybe.

Can't you see the Masquerader couldn't save you from a bullet? A noose is nothing.

Again, this is a bit confusing. "A noose is nothing" sounds like she's saying that it was really easy to do, but if that's the case why would saving him from a bullet be so much harder? Is she talking about something that happened in the past or just generally?

He glared at the boy and continued, addressing him, “She needs 'er rest not an interrogation.”

Not sure who "the boy" is directed to. Is it Camden? It seems a bit odd for him to be referred to as a boy in the narration, when he's a grown man.

“My father sentenced his to death.

Should be him?

in a sad defense from the aloof dignity

A defence against Camden's dignity? Or trying to keep part of her dignity in defence? This sentence is kind of unclear.

'E needs “I'm hoping to get 'im calmed down this evening. “'E needs someone on his level to strategize an such.

Not sure what's going on here. Possibly a second line of dialogue got dragged into the middle of this one accidentally?

A cloaked figure detached itself from the shadows and followed.

This didn't have quite the suspensful effect it could have, for me. It's just a tiny thing, but I think if you spaced it out more so there was a line between the previous paragraph and this it might give it more of an effect. And possibly pad it out a bit more with description of the mysterious figure, to increase people's curiosity. Maybe describe how he/she walked, what their cloak looks like, something like that? But that's just a suggestion.

I just noticed this review is 6000 characters long. WHAT. Sorry about that. If I don't review for a while then they always turn out unnecessarily long when I start again. XD Okay, quite a lot of it is quotes though. But anyway, my main comment for this chapter would be HOW SO AWESOME? Rostoloff is such a good character. I love him. Did I mention that I love how you're writing the characters? 'Cause I do. I loved how subtle some of the character nuances were in Rostoloff's conversation with Ranael, like how she reminded him of his wife, and how all three of them are working towards the same end, but going about it so differently. I'm afraid that apart from what I mentioned before about POV shifts and the placement of the flashback, I really can't think of any constructive comments for this chapter overall.

(with regards to points for reviews, donate if you want but I don't want to demand them in any way because I'm really enjoying reading this story and it would seem ungrateful to ask for something in return, especially when I'm being so slow about it)

Anyway, keep writing! :D And hopefully it won't be such a long gap before I get onto the next chapter! :)




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Thanks all reviewers,
If you don't want points, I'm not going to give them to you. It's more to get more people to read this than for you dedicated readers.
Apparantely, I have a problem with switching POV's because that's happened with the last two chapters. I'm hoping that what I've done has kind of fixed it because I would really hate to get rid of Camden's POV here. I think it shows a lot about him.
Anything else would be appreciated.
Thanks.
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First off, I just have to say this as a fan who has reached a good, exciting point in a book:
Yes, yes! I knew it! I love how that turned out, with her split personality. I also like how a soldier was the first to find her, and the second in command is a doctor. Doctors are very important. You have very nice plot so far, keep it up!
something something dragons something something open to conversation
Been quiet for a couple years, we'll see how this one goes.




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Hey there!

Okay, so as always, this is for the most part really good. I'm not going to go line-by-line, because those get tedious and you don't really need it anyways.

My main problem with this is the emotion - or, lack thereof. See, I don't think people reacted enough in these. Camden and Ranael acted like they already had a big blow up, and now they're bitter at each other, and Rostoloff's the peace-keeper. It seems to me that they should be more worried, more shocked, more angered by the fact that the "traitor queen" is the Masquerader, and also wondering how and why she could do it. They just seem to accept everything you thrust at them so easily, so without reaction - or, enough reaction.

What I really want to see is Camden's initial thoughts, his first reaction to finding out who it is. We've already seen that he's a passionate man, emotionally tied to his cause and very much so to her, for many, many reasons. He has all the motivation to blow up, or break down, or anything else. I want to see that. I want to see him, raw and unfiltered.

Also, I don't think you placed enough emphasis at the shadow man at the end. In fact, because you often go from being a person's POV to speaking of them as the narrator, as though they are some passerby, that at first I thought the man was Ranael. I want a more piqued sense of danger, and consequently, of interest.

Give me that, and I think this chapter will very much improve from how well it is now.

So, overall, this is one of my favorite novels on this site - favorite works in general. It's consistently good, despite its glitches. So good job. Keep writing.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com



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— The Devil