Good Enough to Eat

So, here's my crack at writing something vaguely humourous.
___________________________________________________________


My sweet, he whispered in my ear
Fingers on my temples bare
Good enough to eat, he’ll leer
And run his hands throughout my hair.
Your skin as soft as virgin snow;
Eyes salty drops of dew.
Lips as lush as sugar knows;
Your face, like cream, so new.
Sit near, my pea, he chortles now
Glancing up and down.
His parted mouth across my brow
Folds slowly to a frown.
Is that the oven timer, dearest, precious piece of meat?
Why so it is, my lovely girl. You’ll be ready soon to eat.

Dreamy115 wrote:My sweet, he whispered in my ear
Fingers on my temples bare
Good enough to eat, he’ll leer
And run his hands throughout my hair.
Your skin as soft as virgin snow;
Eyes salty drops of dew.
Lips as lush as sugar knows; I like all your imagery here. They aren't worn out or cliche-ish, but instead new and interesting. Or at least they're new to me.
Your face, like cream, so new.
Sit near, my pea, he chortles now
Glancing up and down.
His parted mouth across my brow
Folds slowly to a frown.
Is that the oven timer, dearest, precious piece of meat?
Why so it is, my lovely girl. You’ll be ready soon to eat.

Gotta say, love how you write this. It is written in the view of the narrator and tells what the narrator is viewing. I think those kind of poems tend to be neat, especially when written vaguely or comedicly. I especially like the rhythm. It's obviously A/B/A/B format for the most part, but you have all the A's longer than the B's, or you just make it seem more drawn out, and then you have the B come in which is short and quick, like when a swordsman makes the stab, making the tip of his blade just nick his opponent, then draws back into a defense. Very nicely written.

Bolded are parts I especially liked.

Cannibalism? xD

I like this poem! It's cute, but a little dark as well. I don't know, I just seem to like that for some reason. Haha! The rhyme scheme is good too, not too forced. That's always my problem with rhyming, it always sounds forced.

The only thing I'd like to point out:

My sweet, he whispered in my ear
Fingers on my temples bare
Good enough to eat, he’ll leer
And run his hands throughout my hair.

You change tenses through the poem a lot. Past in the first two lines, future in the next two, then present for the rest of the poem. It makes the poem read awkwardly. I'd suggest keeping it all in the same tense, or having a more concrete dividing line between two tenses.

Again, nice poem! Keep writing!

-Lauren-

OMG!! This is creepy but cool at the same time... Nice, I likey

Keep writing,
Alzora

Woah! That's creepy! But I like it! It's like death put into someone we all know and love! Is he a vampire? A cannibal? Do tell!
~Lena~

OMG that was amazing!!
That was so awesome, but not if that man was really going to eat the girl.
In that case I would be slightly frightened but if he wasn't going to actually eat her, then that was brilliant!
I loved the way you put the poem and just the layout of it all.
I really enjoyed it!

Ha, thanks everyone!

Yeah, I was getting sick of everyone calling each other names like they were going to eat each other, and all those poems that make the girl sound like she's food or something. So I figured, what the heck? What if he actually did eat her?

Yeah, I'm an oddball. An oddball who writes poems about cannibalism. Thank you all very much!

This was very good. It was funny how you ended the poem because it was so unexpected. I loved the imagery that you used to describe your MC. They were new and exciting. Not the over-done cliche used so often when describing people. It was refreshing.Your rhyme scheme was nicely done too. It flowed well and did not seem forced or akward. It created a nice mood to the poem. Great job. It was very well written.

I love it. This isn't much of a review, but it's also not "this is good because I liked it", and I will state actual reasons.
1. Dark humor = My undying love. Period.
2. Writing style = Captivating and descriptive. Being on the same page as you and your imagery makes me feel inferior.
3. Cannibalism = Me and my best friend's favorite passtime. That sounds bad...what I mean is we google it when we're bored. xD
4. See: # 2
5. See: # 4
[Obviously I really like the way you wrote this!]

Epic...

Ooh. o.o I was confused reading this poem until the last parts xD. I thought 'good enough to eat' and 'pea' were just figures of speech, but then, they were really not. The poem seems pointless it's entertaining. The rhymes were good too.

And run his hands throughout my hair.

- I think, maybe, 'throughout' was inappropriately used here. Hmm...

That's only thing I caught. Anyway, keep writing! This poem looked like a children's poem because of the personification of the pea and the sugar, but thinking of the pea getting cooked and eaten doesn't seem to be friendly to a child xD. I think, the poem's cute too.

Wow! Really liked this.

I really liked the rhythm in this poem, and of course the rhyme was pretty much spot on.

It reminds me a little of one of the brothers Grimm stories - Hanzel and Gretel. so good!

The ending pretty much did it.
Maybe you should separate the last two lines from the rest, because it reads to me as a new stanza.

The only thing I didn't really get was this one:

"His parted mouth across my brow
Folds slowly to a frown."

Are your brows folding to a frown? If so it reads as if his mouth was folding to a frown.
But that's the only thing I really had a tiny issue with.

Please keep writing more!

You did a fantastic job of painting a picture that was both humorous and kind of creepy! There was an edge to it that drew me in and made me want to find out what happened. Great Job!

I really like it gives me a kind of shiver down my spine! It's got a great base and I think you
developed it really well.It pulls you in right from the first line and the description is amazing!
I think you did a great job at this and it's definitely something that I enjoyed to read.
Well done!

Keep Writing
From Me

Thank you so much everyone!