Stop and Stare (Part 2)

What's happened during Charlie's life in this novel so far:

Spoiler

Charlie Black was out with two friends, including his best friend, Austin, when a fight occurred. It resulted in Austin accidentally stabbing a young girl.

Note: The word fag in Britain means cigarette, not gay, just in case some of you might think of it like that. I don't want to confuse anyone! xD Trust me, it would make some sentences in this very odd.

Charlie - Continued

Muffled words crawled into my ears as my eyelids lifted open. I yawned. Through blurred eyes, I could make out the shape of two people in the distance. I carefully sat up before leaning against the hard wall behind me. I was in an alleyway... Why was I in an alleyway? I scratched my head before stretching my arms out above me, wrinkling my nose as the stench of urine and fags circled the air. Fricking hell...
“What the...?” I mumbled, standing up.
Glancing around me, all that I could see was piled up rubbish and walls plastered in graffiti. I rubbed my arms. God, was I cold. Dawn appeared to be breaking, and street lights were still glowing beside the road outside the alleyway. I stared at the road ahead of me. That was when it hit me.
I froze on the spot, my mind rapidly mixing thoughts and memories. The girl... Austin... Lee... the fight. The knife. I couldn’t even remember falling asleep in this dirty place. It felt like a dream--a daze. I just remembered standing in the field, staring. Thinking about her.
I shoved my dark hair out of my face, forcing my feet to run out of the alleyway. The second they touched the pavement, I paused. I was only a good five minutes away from my house. What about the girl? What happened to her? Was she...? I swallowed hard. Did anyone turn back to help her? Oh, shit. Clenching my jaw, I pushed myself forward. My legs were aching and my mind was in tatters, so I was struggling to even think straight right now. Why was I such a damn idiot? I should have just stayed in my house, then none of this would have happened. I noticed the group, I pointed them out to the guys. I let Austin make the stupidest mistake he’d ever made. It was all me.
For the first time since I could remember, I actually felt relieved to see my house in the distance. The first thing I needed to do was call Austin. Maybe he went back to help the girl, or at least called for an ambulance. I shook my head. No way would he have done that--I knew him well enough to know that.
My breath was growing short now, and until this moment, I hadn’t realised how dry my mouth was, and how much I needed some food. When I got in, I was going to have something to eat and drink, try and make some sense of all of this crap and maybe call Au-
“Hey!”
I banged against something, and I only just managed to avoid falling to the ground. Regaining my composure, I looked ahead of me. Ew.
“Jesus Christ, Charlie! Look where you’re bloody going,” Will snapped, glaring at me. “Where were you last night? Dad was profoundly drunk when I got home, and I was the only one there to sort him out. That’s supposed to be your job! It's a good thing he didn't have one of his flashbacks, that's for sure.”
I wasn’t in the mood for this right now. Mind you, I never was in the mood for Will. I rolled my eyes and shoved past him, only to feel my arm being grabbed, forcing me to stop. Just leave me the hell alone. I gritted my teeth and forced a smile at him. Annoying Will was a bad idea--I knew that.
“Charlie? Don’t just ignore me, you idiot,” Will said.
“I just went out, Will. I am allowed to have some kind of life.” I pulled his arm off of me and paused. “What the hell does profoundly mean anyway? Is that even a word?”
As weird as it may have been, my mind eased slightly as I spoke to my brother. It was a normal thing to do, I guess. I was able to draw my mind away from... other things for a brief second. Only a brief one.
“It’s William, not Will. Is that too many syllables for you or something?” he muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets.
"Seriously, Will, you ain't posh. Get over it." I laughed a little, but it didn’t last long. Ignoring Will, I pushed past him and continued walking along the pavement.I did so a little more calmly than before.
“You need to go shopping,” Will said, following me. Go away. “We’re more or less out of food. You were supposed to go yesterday. You're not even capable of doing that. I'm leaving for France with the school in a few weeks. You do remember that, right? Considering I'm going for a month, God knows how you're going to cope.”
I simply nodded, pretending to actually give a crap. What the hell was he on about anyway? I was practically on my own when it came to this stuff, and if anything, having Will sod off for a while would be a help. Besides, him going to that school was ridiculous anyway, and the only reason he'd been able to go there was because my dad was willing to pay for him to go. That was how he was going to the college I wanted to go to after summer without having to worry about getting accepted. I wasn't quite that lucky with my dad's willingness.
“Why are you even outside? Isn’t it six in the morning or something?” I asked, reaching the outside of my house.
“It's eight, you idiot. I was seeing if Andrew was in.” He nodded at the house next door to mine.
“Why?”
“Haven’t you heard?”
I opened the gate of my front garden and paused for a second. Will’s grey eyes were wide as he stopped beside me. I shook my head, narrowing my eyes at him.
“This girl,” he said as he began to walk down the pathway. “In the park. She’s been murdered. I wanted to see if Andrew knew anything. The police were all over the place in the early hours, apparently. I think they're keeping it all hush-hush though. I'm surprised they haven't been here to ask if we know anything. Mind you, I guess they have to tell the family and stuff first. This is a small neighbourhood though, so they're bound to come at some point.”
He continued blabbering as he ambled down the pathway. I did nothing but stare at him as he unlocked the front door and disappeared into the house.
She was... She was dead? She couldn’t have been. No... I could remember her as clear as glass. Her light hair, her fair features, her miniscule waist. She couldn’t just be dead, not like that. I swallowed hard as I felt my heart fall to the bottom of my stomach. Shit, I’d screwed up.
Quickly, I jogged down the pathway and tried everything I could to clear my mind: an action that proved to be impossible. My house almost seemed to swallow me up as I entered it. I was welcomed by the gut wrenchingly familiar smell of booze. Not bothering to take my shoes off, I headed straight for my room. Slamming the door behind me, I then turned around to lean against it. The blood fiercely pumped through my veins.
Maybe I’d gotten it wrong. Maybe the chick wasn’t dead? Maybe Will was on about something completely different, something that happened in another park somewhere else. I mean, I’d seen that girl... She couldn’t just die like that.
There was a sudden knocking sound on the door I was leaning against. The noise scared the hell out of me. Trying to make sure I didn’t look like some panicked mentalist, I bit my tongue and turned around to open the door. Will was standing there with his arms crossed.
“Are you going to get something to eat or not?” he asked.
Just shut up, get a fricking life and leave me alone, I thought, still trying to compose myself. Unfortunately for me, Will couldn’t read minds and I was too much of a girl to say it to his face.
“I will now,” I replied, closing the door in his pale face.
Couldn’t he get the boody food? I wasn’t some little kid he could order around whenever he wanted to. I turned back around, sighing as I dragged my feet over to my unmade bed.
My supposedly white walls looked greyer than ever right now. It was as though they were closing in on me, trying to trap me in this godforsaken house. Clothes were scattered all over my floor like limp fireworks, half of them not having been washed in months. My bed sheet hung of its mattress, and my blue wardrobe that stood against the wall looked smaller than ever.
Was my room trying to take the piss or something? I never noticed how bad the state of it really was before, so why did I have to notice now? Great. Even if it was minor, it was another thing to shove into the wreckage in the back of my mind. I glanced up at my ceiling. Great. There was either a dead frog squished into the corner, or a gathering of mould there.
Maybe going to buy some food was a good idea. I considered it as I slumped onto my bed. It was probably the only way of me getting anything to eat anytime soon, and right now, eating was something I desperately wanted. I lay down and shut my eyes. The bedcovers felt freezing underneath me. I could hear my cheap alarm clock ticking, making sure I knew when every second passed.
“Has he said anything to you?" Voices in the hallway.
“Like what?”
“I dunno. Don’t worry, it ain't important anyway. Can I come in?”
I couldn’t hear clearly, but the voices were recognisable. One was Will, but when it came to the other, I couldn’t put my finger on who it was. I opened my eyes.
“He’s supposed to be going out to buy some stuff, but he can’t bring his lazy arse to do so.”
Yep. Definitely Will. His voice was raised and I could just imagine him turning his head away from the front door, and aiming his voice towards my room. I heard footsteps stepping into the house, followed by the loud sound of the front door closing. I lifted myself up in my bed as the footsteps neared my room. Moments later, the doorknob was turning and the door soon opened. It was Austin.
He glanced behind him before closing the door as he wandered into the room. He made sure the door was shut properly. That was when we stared at each other. I couldn’t hear the clock anymore, only my heart racing in my chest. Finally, Austin smiled, but his eyes remained as emotionless as stone.
“So...” he said, clearing his throat. “You alright?”
I gaped at him. Was the guy kidding? Was I alright? What the hell did he think? Yeah, I’m perfectly fine, mate. I’ve completely forgotten about the chick you killed. Thanks for asking. I clenched my fists and bit my tongue.
“Have you heard?” I asked him bluntly.
Pulling his hood over his blonde hair, he then lifted his index finger to his mouth. He glanced back at my bedroom door before nearing me.
“Keep it down!” he hissed. “Look, we need to talk.” He looked at the door again. “Somewhere else. Come on.” He tapped my arm, sending a shiver through my skin.
I remained staring at him for a while, unsure of what to do next. Normally, his presence would comfort me and make me forget about all of the shit on my mind. Right now, it was doing the complete opposite.
Not knowing what else to do, I nodded and lifted myself off the bed. Without saying a word, Austin opened my bedroom door again. He strolled into the hallway. I followed him, running over what I was going to say in my head.
“Wow, are you actually bothering to do something I've told you to do for once?” Will’s voice caught me by surprise.
I spun around to see him leaning against the living room door with a smirk on his cocky little face. Through the gap behind him, I could see my father sitting on the sofa as the man watched the television in amusement. He had a beer bottle in his hand, obviously.
“Yeah,” I muttered, opening the white front door.
After Austin had stepped outside, I closed the door behind me. I shivered, mentally kicking myself for not bringing a jacket out with me again. Still silent, Austin grabbed my arm and pulled me up the pathway. I followed him as he left my front garden --if you could even call it a garden anymore. I was surprised there weren't any scavenges living in it, judging by how overgrown the thing was. Austin and I began ambling along the pavement.
As we strolled, I noticed Austin constantly chewing on his lip. His blonde hair was tangled and it fell loosely onto his face, forcing him to keep on shoving it out of the way. The circles under his eyes were dark, clashing with his white skin. I doubted he’d had much sleep. I turned away from him. I hoped I didn’t look that bad.
There were plenty of unoccupied alleyways around, so it was only five minutes or so until Austin and I came to a stop. Thankfully, this one smelt a lot less like piss compared to the last one. Austin pulled me into the shadows.
“You aren’t gonna say anything to anyone, right?” It was more of a statement than a question. “I mean, we’re best mates. You wouldn’t do that, would you?”
Would I? Austin had been my best mate since I could remember. He was a good guy. I knew he was a good guy, and all of this was just a drunken mistake he'd made. This wasn't him shoplifting again though, or getting into trouble at school. He'd killed someone. But he was my mate. My best mate.
“Uh... no...” I muttered, my eyes fixed to the floor. “Maybe we should say something though. If you explain that it was an accident, maybe the cops wi-“
“No...” Austin shook his head, biting on his lip. “We ain't kids anymore, Charlie. We can't just say sorry and everything will be okay. Besides, you were there too, mate. The cops will blame you just as much as they’d blame me. I can’t let you get into trouble as well as me.”
I froze on the spot, my heart stopping for a moment. Austin's eyes were darker than ever, his lips looking chapped and dry. We couldn't just say nothing. I mean, someone had been... killed. We couldn't just play innocent, could we? I rubbed my neck. What if we told the police though? Getting arrested, going to court, prison... I couldn't do that.
Austin was staring at me, waiting for some kind of response. There was something about his face, his tone, even the way he was standing that made my legs shake. What was I supposed to do? Suddenly, a thought hit me. My dad. If he knew about this, I'd have just proved everything he said about me right. That was one thing I could never let happen. Never. I looked up at Austin.
“Yeah... Yeah, you're right, mate.”
Austin exhaled and let go of my arm. I glanced down to see him reaching into his pocket. He brought out a fag before popping it into his mouth. With a battered lighter from the same pocket, he lit the fag. White smoke gushed out of it.
“You need to stop this,” he said, pulling me deeper into the alleyway.
“Stop what?” I asked, genuinely confused.
He rolled his dark eyes, puffing a round of smoke out of his mouth. God, that stuff stank. Austin dropped his fag to the ground, then stomped on it with his foot.
“Acting like some scared little girl,” he said as though it was obvious. “People are gonna notice, and we need to play it safe.”
I nodded my head, watching the ground once more and focusing on the old chewing gum stuck to it. My throat was drying up and my palms were beginning to sweat as I gazed at the damp ground. Austin groaned, clicking his fingers in front of my face. I snapped my head back up and shifted awkwardly. I felt like I was going to puke.
“You alright?" There was a comforting tone in his voice, but it was filled with badly hidden anxiety.
I simply nodded.
"Mate, it doesn’t even matter. Just forget about it, for your own sake. You didn’t even know the chick.” He lit another fag. “Just act normal, and if anyone asks, you, me and Jax were over mine that night.” His voice sounded shaky, but I could hear him trying to calm it.
He was right. I was hardly going to get anywhere if I went around, carrying on acting like I was right now. It was easy. I played happy all of the time. The only person I failed at acting like that around was my dad, and I needed to keep it that way. I just needed to suck it up and grow a pair.
This time, I nodded more confidently. So long as I remembered that I didn’t know the girl and that it was all a mistake, I’d be fine. Yeah... I’d be fine.
“I better go and grab some food,” I said, turning to leave the alleyway. “I swear I’ll die of starvation otherwise.”
Just like that, it was as though everything we'd been talking about before vanished. Austin smiled, tapping the fag in his hand. The ashes from the cigarette soon fell to the ground. He leaned against the brick wall as the grin remained on his face. He and I both knew it was all fake though. Every damn part of it.
“I’d have thought you had loads of food. You live in a bungalow, so you should have a load of mini fridges in every room or something.”
We both laughed as I strolled back towards the pavement. It felt good to laugh, even if it only lasted a brief moment. This playing happy thing would be easy; I’d been doing it for the past five years of my life. I realised something then. All of this seemed familiar and my head struggled to figure out why. It was as though there was something hidden in my mind, trying to break out and free itself to remind me of something. Something I might not have wanted to remember. It was niggling at my brain, frustrating me even further
“Oh, and Charlie?” Austin stopped me and my thoughts as I was about to turn out of the alleyway.
“Yeah?”
“I know I've screwed up... big time. I appreciate you not grassing on me. You won't say anything though, mate... Please?”
His face was straight, his eyes looking stony and distant again. I stammered before nodding, not knowing what else to do. Any feeling of light heartedness in the air became heavy once more as we both stared at each other. He didn’t need to worry; I wouldn’t say a word, for both of our sakes. I was soon out of Austin’s sight.
The only money I had was in my pocket, and I wasn’t sure how much food I could buy with seventeen or so quid. Most things were on offer nowadays, so I should have been fine. As much as I tried to push it away as I wandered along the pavement, thoughts of last night couldn’t be erased from my mind.
One mistake. That was all it took. One stupid mistake, and everything got screwed up. If it wasn’t so gut wrenching, it might have even been funny how something so real at the time felt so distant and dreamlike now. I could see the girl clearly with my mind. Her hazel eyes, her blonde hair, her pin-like legs, her smooth skin. Everything. But she didn’t seem real.
It was as though she was a fragment of my imagination, something my mind had conjured up to spite me. Almost like she wasn't a part of reality--either that or as though reality didn't even exist. Reality did exist though, and it had a seriously good way of showing me. What about Austin? He may have tried to shrug everything off, but I could tell he was just in as bad of a state as me. He was a good guy, and I knew that well. He'd just made a mistake. What would this do to him? I had to trust him though because, quite frankly, that guy was the only thing I had.
As I passed my own house, every inch of my body tensed. All of these feelings, this whole happening... This wasn’t an entirely blank canvas being painted on because this had all happened before. Five years ago. I stopped in my tracks and stared ahead of me. This wasn't... I clenched my fists until I could feel my chewed nails scraping against my skin. This wasn't the first time. It had all happened before. Five years ago... Mum.



Click here to read STOP AND STARE (PART THREE)

Skinsy, tis me!

A few questions:

Is Will older or younger?
How early does your supermarket open? Cause here, it doesn't open until 8. Why is WIll harassing Charlie to go at 6 in the morning?
Why would the cops come see them? Is it a small town?

Yep. Definitely Will. His voice was raised and I could just imagine him turning his head away form the front door, and aiming it towards my room

from

Uh... no...” I muttered, my eyes fixed to the floor. “Maybe we should say something though. If you explain that it was an accident, maybe the cops wi-“

comma between the words in bold.

Well, Skinsy, that was it for the nitpicks! I really liked the ending!

I found did a great job with the mc's internal thoughts. Except, when Austin drags him into the alleyway and threatens him. Nothing. No thoughts or emotions. Nothing.
Dude, seriously? No second thoughts? No racing heart? You are a felon, a conspirator, and that doesn't cross you mind?

Well, that was it for the nitpicks, hope it helps, hope you keep writing this.

Love your writing, Skinsy.
Your #1 fan.
Tanya

Just reread: much better. Makes more sense. I'd been meaning to tell you that his dad would be a great excuse and I forgot.

You did it brilliantly!

And thanks for specifying about the 'fags'.

Tanya

Hullo, sir!

By the way, I would review this even if you didn't threaten to kill me, though the fact that you do makes me feel a lot less selfless... ^.~ Anyway, I'll try not to be too nit-picky, but knowing me, I'll probably get carried away and post like a 1000-word paragraph about why you should use "a" rather than "the" or something... >.>

Muffled words crawled into my ears, unable to process fully in my mind.

I feel like it should be the mind that's doing the action, not the words. It should be the mind which is unable to process the words, not the words that are unable to process... themselves. Maybe it's just a different meaning of "process" than I'm used to, but it feels wrong. This isn't necessarily how you'd have to say it, but just as an example: "Muffled words crawled into my ears, but my mind was unable to process them fully."

Through blurred eyes, the shape of two figures in the distance could be made out.

Passive voice strikes again! :P Maybe you're trying to distance your character from his body, but I think it just sounds weird. Also, saying "the shape of two figures" sounds odd to me, since "shape" and "figure" mean virtually the same thing. Maybe try "Through blurred eyes I could make out the shape of two people in the distance."

“Why are you even outside? Isn’t it six in the morning or something?” I asked, reaching the outside of my house.

I think I mentioned this in the previous chapter, but I find it a little strange that he refers to the house as "my house." Is that supposed to say something about his character (like that he feels responsible for the house, or something)? I don't really see that anywhere else in the writing, so I think you should either add that in or have him just say "the house." Or, if you want to differentiate from the house Will is going to, you could say "our house." You also call it "my garden" a little later, and you call it "my house" a few more times, I think...

It was probably the only way of me getting anything to eat anytime soon, and right now, that was the one thing I desperately wanted.

This felt out of place to me, because you've only mentioned the fact that he's hungry one time before now (I think), maybe two. Also, I have a feeling there are a whole lot of things Charlie wants a lot more desperately than he wants something to eat...

There were plenty of unoccupied alleyways around, so it was only a five minute or so walk until Austin and I came to a stop.

I know what you're trying to say, but it just sounds weird. I think it would be fine if you just said "...it was only five minutes or so until..."

“You were there too remember, Charlie. The cops will blame you just as much as they’d blame me. I can’t let you get into trouble, mate.”

I heard once that Mark Twain didn't like editors to make any corrections to his characters' dialogue, because he felt like what is inside the quotes is what the character is saying, not what the author is saying. I agree with that, and generally I don't correct peoples' dialogue. But this bit bothered me. >.< At first, I thought you mean "You were there to remember, Charlie," and I thought it was very profound. But then I realized what you're actually trying to say. I think. But it still sounds awkward to me. I think it should either be "You were there too, remember." OR "You were there too, Charlie." Like I said, I don't want to seem like I know your characters better than you do or anything, but I got really stuck when I was reading this part, so I suggest you change it.

Austin dropped his fag to the ground, stamping on it with his foot.

I'm glad you gave the British definition, because otherwise this would sound really weird to my American self... >.<

He didn’t need to worry; I wouldn’t say a word, for both of our stakes.

I think you mean "sakes."

It was as though she was a fragment of my imagination, something my mind had conjured up to spite me.

That's an interesting way of saying it (and I rather like it!), but because "figment of my imagination" is already a saying, it sounds like you meant to say that...
-------------------

Hmm, yeah--I did get carried away with the nit-picks. I was trying to be selective, too! :/ Oh well.

I like this a lot! You're right that nothing much happens, but I think that's a good thing. The most important part of this section is to show Charlie's emotional response to the murder. Show how disturbed he is. And you did that marvelously! Really, I know you've had problems with character development in the past but not so here. Well, not with Charlie anyway... but more on that later. ^.^ I thought you portrayed Charlie's senses of numbness and loneliness excellently, as well as his feeling of not wanting to tell anyone, but also not wanting not to. He's a character who is very easy to relate to, because he is sensitive. I'm glad you're making him be a sensitive male. ^.~ It's also really refreshing to see someone dwell over a death, because I feel like all too often in fiction characters react to death in a "well, it's too bad it happened, but the show must go on!" kind of way. Of course, (and I wouldn't have it any other way!) I have no idea what it's like to be in Charlie's situation, but I imagine that if it can be put into words, you've done it well.

That said, I want to point out that I'm a little confused by Austin's reaction to the whole thing. I know he's trying to act a lot more tough and unfazed than he actually is, (as a way of coping with the guilt/horror) but I think he's doing it a little too well. You show that he looks disgruntled and sleepless and such, which was good, but the comment about doing something he really didn't want to do felt a little too... brazen. For one thing he referenced the stabbing fairly casually, indicating that he didn't feel regret, and for another thing he is threatening Charlie almost as if (though I know he actually never would) he was ready to be violent again. I thought the whole scene in the second alley was really well done on Charlie's part, but Austin could still use some work--in my opinion. I'm not sure if Austin sees them as a team, or if he was only saying that to get Charlie to cooperate. I have a feeling you mean Charlie to be wondering about this as well, but I think that sense of wondering if he can trust his best friend could be developed a little better. Just to add another level of misery to Charlie's situation. >.>

Which brings me to my biggest issue: it's so dark! You see, I feel like a lot of the time teenage writers think that if they write something really dark, and put enough drugs/alcohol/crime/sex into it, then it will be "mature." I'm not saying you always have to experience something in order to write about it (if that was the case, fantasy wouldn't exist!) but it does sometimes feel like when upper/middle class suburban kids write about gangs and violence it ends up sounding... fake. Annoyingly so. It hasn't gotten to that point yet, but I can see it going there, so I thought I would warn you. Also, if there isn't any light at the end of Charlie's metaphorical tunnel, it will get hard to keep reading. I've read a lot of books that are horrifically sad, but if they don't have any hope, any beauty in them then I don't really see the point. For example, The Kite Runner is terribly, sickeningly, appallingly sad--but there is still beauty in it. Another book I read somewhat recently, The Road, was also depressing and disgusting, but it was just that. It took place in a grey, ash-and-body-laden dystopia, riddled with cannibals, and for all you knew there was no chance for the main characters to go on living. There was absolutely no sense of hope in it at all, except for the faintest glimmers here and there. Now, I shouldn't really be making these assumptions after only two chapters, but I just want to warn you, because books like that literally make me question the point of reading them, let alone writing them.

Anyhow, rant over! But I have one more thing to point out: we don't really have a sense of what's normal. I know Charlie's life is bad ordinarily, but I don't really know how bad, so it's hard for me to know how alien all this is to Charlie. This happens a lot with novels where the action starts towards the beginning, so it's not necessarily a problem, but I advise you to work on developing it more as the novel goes on. Also, I love the last line. Absolutely love it. It is a perfect cliffhanger! But I think the last paragraph feels a wee bit rushed. Maybe try and flesh it out a bit more? You've done an excellent job of showing his thought process throughout the whole chapter, but at that point it felt a little bit like telling rather than showing.

...and that's about all I can think of right now! I seem to have rambled a bunch (once again!) but I hope it's somewhat coherent and you extricate something helpful from that sea of words. >.<

As always, let me know if you have any questions or the like.

a

Tiger here to review Skeensy (yeah, I think I might call you that for a while ). As always comments will be in bold and I'll be using that format from last time.

Skins wrote:
Stop and Stare ~ Part Two


Charlie - Continued

Muffled words crawled into my ears, unable to process fully in my mind.

There's some overkill here. Muffled tells us that he barely heard the words, crawled empasizes that even more, and then the bit after the comma is heaped on top. Imagine a sandwich with sausages in it, it's okay. Then you add bits of pepperoni; it's still okay. Then you add two burgers...now that's a heart attack supreme. It's too much. To fix it, just get rid of the bit after the comma.

As my eyelids slowly flickered a flicker is a fast movement, so...maybe you could say opened?, I yawned. Through blurred eyes, I could make out the shape of two people in the distance. I carefully sat up, leaning against the hard wall behind me.
I was in an alleyway... Why was I in an alleyway? I scratched my head, stretching my arms out above me, and wrinkled my nose as the stench of urine and fags circled around my nostrils.

You mean entered, right? Because in my mind's eye I'm envisioning walking cigarettes knocking on a door and waiting to be let in...Did I mention I was sleepy?

“What the...?” I mumbled, standing up.
Glancing around me, all that I could see was piled up rubbish and walls plastered in graffiti. I rubbed my arms. God, was I cold. Dawn appeared to be breaking, and street lights were still glowing beside the road outside the alleyway. I stared at the road ahead of me. That was when it hit me.
I froze on the spot, my mind rapidly mixing thoughts and memories This can be summed up as remembering, no? . The girl... Austin... the group of people... the fight. The knife. I couldn’t even remember falling asleep in this dirty alleyway. It felt like a dream. I just remembered standing in the field, staring. Thinking about her.
I shoved my fringe off out of my face, forcing my feet to run out of the alleyway. The second they touched the pavement, I paused. I was only a good five minutes away from my house. What about the girl? What happened to her? Was she... I swallowed hard. Did anyone turn back to help her?

For the first time since I could remember, I actually felt relieved to see my house in the distance. The first thing I needed to do was call Austin. Maybe he went back to help the girl, or at least called for an ambulance. I shook my head. No way would he have done that; I knew him better than that. Getting repetitive. Maybe you should just get rid of that last underlined part.

My breath was growing short now, and until this moment, I hadn’t realised how dry my mouth was, and how greatly I wanted wanted or rather needed? some food. When I got in, I was going to have something to eat and drink, try and make some sense of all of this crap and maybe call Au-
“Hey!”
I banged against something, only just managing to stop myself from falling to the ground. Regaining myself, I looked ahead of me.
“Jesus Christ, Charlie! Look were you’re bloody going,” Will sniffed, glaring at me. “Where were you last night? Dad was profoundly drunk when I got home, and I was the only one there to sort him out. That’s supposed to be your stupid job.”

This word seems a bit...out of place. Especially coming from a guy who just finished saying bloody, a slang-ish term. It sounds odd for him to say it; I was expecting him to say something like: bloody drunk or drunk out of his mind.

I wasn’t in the mood for this right now. I rolled my eyes and shoved past him, only to feel my arm being grabbed, forcing me to stop. Just leave me the hell alone.
“Charlie? Don’t just ignore me, idiot” Will said.
“I just went out, Will. I am allowed to have some kind of life.” I pulled his arm off of me. You mean: I pulled my arm out of his grasp. “What the hell does profoundly mean anyway? Is that even a word?”
As weird as it may have been, my mind eased slightly as I spoke to my brother. It was a normal thing to do, I guess. I was able to draw my mind away from everything else for a brief second. Only a brief one.
“It’s William, not Will. Is that too many syllables for you or something?” he muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets. Ah, so Will is more educated and hoity-toity. Got it.

“This girl,” he said as he began to walk down the pathway. “In the park. She’s been murdered. I wanted to see if Andrew knew anything. The police were all over the place in the early hours, apparently. I'm surprised they police getting repetitive haven't been here to ask if we know anything. I mean, this is a small neighbourhood, they're bound to come at some point.” That was fast. The police went to the scene, identified the victim, contacted the family already and the news had already spread?
He continued down the pathway, blabbering loudly. I did nothing but watch aimlessly as he unlocked the front door, disappearing into the house.
She was... She was dead? She couldn’t have been. No... I could remember her as clear as glass. Her light hair, her fair features, her miniscule waist which contrasted perfectly with her not so small chest. She couldn’t just be dead, not like that. I swallowed hard as I felt my heart fall to the bottom of my stomach. Shit, I’d screwed up.
Quickly, I jogged down the pathway, trying everything I could to clear my mind: an action that proved to be impossible. Entering my house, it almost seemed to swallow me up. I was welcomed by a the gut-wrenchingly familiar smell of booze.
Not bothering to take my shoes off, I headed straight for my room. Hastily shutting the door behind me, I turned around to lean against it, the blood ferociously pumping through my veins.
Maybe I’d gotten it wrong. Maybe the chick wasn’t dead? Maybe Will was on about something completely different, something that happened in another park somewhere else. I mean, I’d seen that girl... She couldn’t just die like that.
There was a sudden knocking sound on the door I was leaning against, scaring the hell out of me. Trying to make sure I didn’t look like some panicked mentalist Odd choice of a metaphor, I bit my tongue and turned around to open the door. Will was standing there, his arms crossed.
“Are you going to get some food or not?” he asked. He just talked about someone getting stabbed. As a brother, shouldn't he be slightly concerned that his brother might get stabbed or something? Or is he really heartless?
Just shut up and leave me alone, I thought, still trying to compose myself. Unfortunately for me, Will couldn’t read minds and I was too much of a girl to say it to his face.
“I will now,” I replied, closing the door in his pale face.
Couldn’t he For emphasis get the fricking food? I wasn’t some little kid he could order around whenever he wanted to. I turned back around, sighing as I dragged my feet over to my unmade bed.

Maybe going to buy some food was a good idea. I considered it as I slumped onto my bed. It was probably the only way of me getting anything to eat anytime soon, and right now, that was something I desperately wanted. I lay down and shut my eyes, the cold bedcovers feeling freezing The cold bedcovers wouldn't be warm, would they? Either you should use cold or freezing, not the both of them underneath me. I could hear my cheap alarm clock ticking quietly, making sure I knew when every second passed.

Yep. Definitely Will. His voice was raised and I could just imagine him turning his head away from the front door, and aiming it towards my room. I heard footsteps stepping coming into the house, followed by the loud sound of the front door closing. I lifted myself up in my bed slightly as the footsteps neared my room. Moments later, the doorknob was graduallyturning and the door soonopened. It was Austin.
He glanced behind him briefly A glance is a brief look, so either he glanced without briefly or he looked briefly before closing the door as he walked into the room, making sure it was shut properly. That was when we stared at each other. I couldn’t hear the clock anymore, only my heart racing in my chest. Finally, Austin smiled, but his eyes remained as emotionless as stone.
“So...” he said, clearing his throat. “You alright?”
I gaped at him. Was the guy kidding? Was I alright? What the hell did he think? I think you forgot to italicize that, so I did it. Yeah, I’m perfectly fine, mate. I’ve completely forgotten about the chick you killed. Thanks for asking. I clenched my fists and bit my tongue.

As we strolled, I noticed Austin constantly chewing on his lip. His blonde hair was tangled and it fell flatly If it was tangled, how did it fall flatly? onto his face, forcing him to keep on shoving it out of the way. The circles under his eyes were dark, clashing with his white skin. I doubted he’d had much sleep. I turned away from him. I hoped I didn’t look that bad.

I froze on the spot, my heart stopping for a moment. Austin's eyes were darker than ever, his lips looking chapped and dry. We couldn't just notsay somenothing. I mean, someone had been... killed. We couldn't just play innocent, could we? I rubbed my neck. What if we told the police though? Getting arrested, going to court, prison... I couldn't do that.

Austin exhaled heavily, letting go of my arm. I looked down to see him reaching into his pocket. He brought out a fag, popping it into his mouth. With a battered lighter from the same pocket, he lit the fag, somesmoke gushing out of it.

“Oh, and Charlie?” Austin stopped me as I was about to turn out of the alleyway.
“Yeah?”
“I know I've screwed up... big time. I appreciate you nto not saying anything for me. You won't say anything though, mate... Please?”

This is a minor nitpick, but...to add to theme of Austin being some sort-of semi-cool slightly yobbish guy, wouldn't it be better for him to say "I appreciate you not grassing/snitching on me." You know, just having him use a bit of slang.

The only money I had was in my pocket, and I wasn’t sure how much food I could buy with seventeen or so quid. Most things were on offer nowadays, so I should have been fine. As much as I tried to push it away as I wandered along the pavement, thoughts of last night couldn’t be erased from my mind.

One mistake. That was all it took. One stupid mistake, and everything got screwed up. If it wasn’t so gut-wrenching, it might have even been funny how something so real at the time felt so distant and dreamlike now. I could see the girl clearly with my mind. Her hazel eyes, her blonde hair, her pin-like legs, her smooth skin. Everything. But she didn’t seem real.

What about Austin? He may have tried to shrug everything off, but I could tell he was just in as bad of a state as me. He was a good guy, and I knew that very well. He'd just made a mistake. What this would Shouldn't would come before this? do to him? I had to trust him though because, quite frankly, that guy was the only thing I had.
I realised something then. All of this seemed familiar and my head struggled to figure out why. It was as though there was something hidden in my mind, trying to break out and free itself to remind me of something. Something I might not ahve have wanted to remember. It was as though it was niggling at my brain, frustrating me even further. As I passed my own house, the answer became clear. This wasn’t an entirely blank canvas being painted on because this had all happened before. Five years ago. I stopped in my tracks and stared ahead of me. This wasn't the first death I'd was been responsible for.

So, let's break it down again.

Charlie Black

I can see the killing is affecting him now, and I like the way you show it. He can't stop thinking about it, and this makes perfect sense because he has the sort-of personality where he's quiet and thinks too much about things. In fact, people like this can be driven half-mad by events such as this...but let me not try and write the story for you.

The Girl

It seems to me that she had both less and yet more of an effect in this chapter. More people find out about her death; which is good. But we still don't have a name. And no-one except for Charlie and Austin actually seems traumatized or shocked by her death. She hasn't made an impact yet, which I hoped she would. Then again, I suppose this is all still the first chapter.

Will

My feelings are mixed about him. He's not particularly likeable, but he's not someone I'd hate either. So far, he seems a bit flat. It's clear that he dislikes Charlie, yes, but why? As an older sibling, even though he might not be particularly keen on showing his caring for his brother, it's hard to believe that he has none at all. Why is it that he doesn't like his brother? Did they have a fight? Did their mother die in giving birth to Charlie, like in Can You See Me? What is the reason for the unexplained and mutually shared dislike?

Austin

I like how you represented him in this chapter. He actually shows all the signs of an accidental killer: he's jumpy and nervous, he's trying to get his witness to be quiet, making an alibi for himself...actually, he reminds me of guys in CSI. But uh, that has nothing to do with this. Basically, you've written him well in this chapter and he's displaying everything he should. If he was calm and not concerned, then there would be a problem.

All In All

This is good. You're right, it's boring as in we didn't learn anything more, but interesting in learning how the two main characters react to the events of the first half. Not to mention, you ended this chapter in suspense, which is always a good thing and leaves me curious as to what happens next. So great job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger

P. S. This is my 500th post! (I've been making a few accomplishments this week )

Well done.
This is looking good. Really enjoyed your imagery here. Very effective.
The only thing is we have't gone anywhere with the plot. Nothing else has happened other then we know they aren't going to grass on each other. Try speed that up a bit because it cause poeple to loose interest when they aren't really getting anything different.
There are so many paths you could go down with the story so I have no idea what you are going to do with the plot which is good-in an interesting way.

Muffled words crawled into my ears. This doesn't exactly make sense. Although I know what you mean by this you might want to phrase it a bit better.

“You need to go shopping,” Will said, following me. Go away. “We’re more or less out of food. You were supposed to go yesterday. You're not even capable of doing that.”Mmm I enjoyed that bit.
I simply nodded, pretending to actually give a crap. To give a crap? That doesn't actaully work here. Try pretending like I actually cared.

Five years ago. I stopped in my tracks and stared ahead of me. This wasn't the first death I was responsible for.Thhis was a talented sentence. I really enjoyed this. It left the readers open for their minds to run wild. Good work.

Overall =>>
-This was a good piece but you need to pic up with pace so we'll stay interested. Your word choice was excellent and imagery was used which is really good. Your imagination can go wild. I'll be waiting to read more so keep writing.
Good job and merry christmas.
Kaka xx

Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome... Yuriiko!

Me: Hi! *waves to thousands of fans*

Fans: (real electricfans) swiiishhh... bzzz....

Me: Thank you guys for being such an inspiration---

---- Okay, let's get back to business------

Heya Sniks.

Here to review. Nitpicks are sealed in the spoiler. :3

Spoiler

I could hear muffled words in the distance, crawling into my ears. As my eyelids slowly lifted open, I yawned. Through blurred eyes, I could make out the shape of two people in the distance. I carefully sat up, leaning against the hard wall behind me.

Definitely not a good opening line. Why? Reread again. I have noticed lots of adjectives and even adverbs and you've repeated the word 'distance' twice in a row. Sometimes you don't have to rely that much on those two things, because if you do often, it might weaken your prose. :3

I was in an alleyway... Why was I in an alleyway?

The highlighted phrase can be italicize.

I scratched my head, stretching my arms out above me, and wrinkled my nose as the stench of urine and fags circled the air.

How can you scratch your head while you stretch your arms above? Maybe you meant to say it like this: "head, stretched my arms...., and...".

My breath was growing short now, and until this moment, I hadn’t realised how dry my mouth was, and how greatly I needed some food.

It seems a bit awkward to read. Perhaps paraphrase it?

I banged against something, only just managing to stop myself from falling to the ground.

I would write it like this: "... and only managed my self from falling to the ground." It is just because 'managing doesn't look fitting right there.

“Jesus Christ, Charlie! Look were you’re bloody going,”

"Where"?

Dad was profoundly drunk when I got home,

The word looks too inappropriate in this dialog (doesn't quite fit there actually), maybe just slashing that adverb out might be better.

“Charlie? Don’t just ignore me, idiot,” Will said.

I placed a comma. Just keep in mind, that you need to put a punctuation before a speech tag.

“What the hell does profoundly mean anyway? Is that even a word?”

I laughed at this.

I couldn’t help but laugh slightly, but it didn’t last long.

You just said 'slightly' before, now how do you show that?

“It's eight, you idiot. I was seeing if Andrew was in.”

"Checking", perhaps?

He continued down the pathway, blabbering loudly. I did nothing but watch aimlessly as he unlocked the front door, disappearing into the house.

Slow down on your adverbs, Sniks. :3

I could remember her as clear as glass.

Maybe you could add "still" after could?

her miniscule waist which contrasted perfectly with her not so small chest.

This is just me, but do you really think of someone's perfect features when that person has been murdered?

trying everything I could to clear my mind:

I would write it like this: "trying to clear up my mind".

I was welcomed by the gut wrenchingly familiar smell of booze.

A tad awkward to read again.

“I will now,” I replied, closing the door in his pale face.

"In front of his pale face"? :3

Pulling his hood over his blonde hair, he lifted his index finger to his mouth. He glanced back at my bedroom door before nearing me.

This is confusing. So he place his finger to his lips before he said 'shh'? Wouldn't he do it altogether? Oo

His blonde hair was tangled and it fell loosley onto his face,

"Loosely"

God, that stuff stank.

"Stink"?

Okay. That's all for the nitpicks! :3

~

The first thing I have noticed was that adverbs and adjectives are flooding the story plot. Not that I want to sound harsh or mean, it's just that you seem to rely on them very much.

Take this challenge: Grab a good book (by that, I meant Stephen King, J.K Rowling and not those involving sparkly vampires) and read the first chappy, do you notice an adverb twice or thrice in a row? I do not think so.

You see Sniks, adverbs does not really help that much, just like what I've said earlier, they weaken the story and your prose. Try rereading again your story and slash those adverbs out. I'm not saying all, but those words that can by replaced by showing. (Don't worry, I've been there many times. )

I followed silently, running over what I was going to say in my head.

For example, how did he follow silently? By tiptoeing? or specifically what? :3

This is a very good tip from Sureal: topic71848.html

Second of all, try to refrain from any repetitions, because sometimes, it begins to bother me. I have read "pavement" and "alleyway" many times, so why not search in a thesaurus to look for some simpler but good words that can be a good replacement?

Kicking aside those negative comments and opinions of mine, this is a good read, Sniks. You have a very creative way of thrilling your readers and also to your characters. The reactions are realistic, so yay for that. However, it seems that Austin looks a bit calmer than your MC, but I know both of them are really scared. haha. And your dialogs are improving, but just to be careful with your punctuations. With your grammar, some are worded awkwardly but I know they can be fixed easily. Some minor misspellings too. So watch out for those teeny-meeny mistakes.

Overall, this is good. Just be careful with your wording, choice of words and show more and tell less. Hope this review helps and PM me for any questions.

Keep writing and peace out,

Yuri

Thanks for the reviews, guys! Like usual, they've been loads of help.

@Tanya - Thanks for pointing that out for me. I knew there was something dodgy about that scene! As you know, I've edited it and sorted that out now. I've tried to anyway!

@Azila - You found another thing that was off about Austin's scene. Thank you. x3 I have edited what you pointed out about that now, so hopefully, it's a little better than it was before. As for the dark thing... Yeah, know. This is a rather dark novel, I suppose, but so long as all goes to plan, there will be good things in here as well. Now that you've mentioned it, I'm going to bear it in mind. When it comes to the normal thing, I'll hopefully be able to show that int he next few chapters.

@Tiger - Yeah, I'm not 100% on what I want Will to be like yet. That's probably why he seems a bit flat at the moment. As for the girl, you'll be able to see more about her in the next chapter, hopefully.

@Yurii - I know... adverbs. x3 I do struggle with them. Hopefully, as I keep writing, I'll be able to kick that habbit and sort it out. Thanks for the nit-picks as well, Yurii. I fail epically at typos, you see...

Well...Not much to nit picky here ,eh, Skinsy. *Thinks about being jealous of Skinsy's fan girls, than realizes she is one.* He. Anyway...
~The Charecters~

Will seems like a fickle charecter. I know Charlie hates him, but he seems a bit unrealisticly mean. Why does he say:“It’s William, not Will. Is that too many syllables for you or something?” At first he seems like a smart allecky, do everything type of guy, and then he seems like he want's his brother to do it all. Other then him, both Austin and Charlie are well built charecters.

~My issues~

-It may just be me and my goofy profanity problem, but I think you over did it with the swear words a bit. I also don't like how you said it wasn't very actiony or important. BEEP. WRONG ANSWER! This chapter was crucial to the stories unfolding. Plus, the girl's death was very, how would you say, "actiony."

~Plot in General.~

I do generally like the smooth plot, except for the fact you skipped from the middle of the fight to him on the side of a building. In honest, that seems a bit lazy to me. I ditto.


Can't wait for more!

Hi, Skinso. I dropped by for a very quick review. I'll just point out a few nitpicks, and suggestions. =)

I just remembered standing in the field, staring and thinking about her.

“This girl,” he said as he began to walk down the pathway, “in the park has been murdered.

I gaped at him. Was the guy kidding? Was I alright? What the hell did he think?

Don't italicize the highlighted words.

That was it. =)

The other nitpicks I could find, I think, weren't really going to help; because it seems like you've got you own style here. And I'm actually enjoying it. I don't enjoy slang much in first person narration because it's at times too much, but here it was okay. The only thing, regarding the style, which I wasn't much of a fan of was the way Charlie's narration could get cut:

When I got in, I was going to have something to eat and drink, try and make some sense of all of this crap and maybe call Au-

I think it was unnecessary. Even though you want to make the reader feel as if Charlie was really talking to him or her, cutting off words in narration wasn't really nice. Maybe it's just me though. That's all I can say about the style....

Okay. I can see you've already got great reviews above. (Just scanned though.) And I thought I might as well just give you my opinion of your work:

I think Charlie's reaction is fine, it's realistic; he's going all crazy because of the murder--because he himself is guilty. The other characters are doing fine in helping to develop the plot. Really, I can't give out a good review with chapters, well, because I can't say anything more. All I could do is help with grammar and style, none else. Especially if it's just the beginning chapters.

I'm just going to say that overall, this chapter is hooking. The twist was nice. It makes a reader want to read on to the next chapter. Though, somehow, I feel like it's a prologue; it was as if, the current happenings aren't really much a "big deal" to the whole story. Maybe, again, it's just me...I don't know if you're getting me...

wait...

I'll try to rephrase it. Umm...

If ever the story does revolve around the past, wouldn't it be better if you ditch this off and start with the main story? It was as if everything that has happened in this chapter was a repetition of something in the past, that nothing good came out of it.

Honestly, I was thinking that this was going to be a "present" novel. Not a flashback-y one, (You know, this chapter was an introduction to everything) and if it's going to be a flashback-y one, well 95% implies that it is, the opening story doesn't seem to fit in...

Agh... I fail at making my point clear. Please do PM me if you do not understand anything I'm saying. Thanks!

~ Jash ♥

FREAK! I come to review.

Well, it seems like you've got yourself plenty of wonderful reviews. This means I don't have much to say since everything that I wanted to say has already been said and that means this review will be much rambling and might even be worthless. But, nonetheless, I'll review it and hopefully give you at least one cent worth of advice so it may or may not help you in the future, Freak.

Alright, as for your plot so far, you've definietly taken my attention. The whole 'we killed someone but you can't know that' thing is interesting and makes me wonder how many lies they're going to spiral into before they crack or become murderers themselves. Will they go to jail? I mean, the police will find out sooner or later because it was a murder and don't even get me started on the forensic science they use in crime scenes. It'll only be a matter of time before they figure out who did it. I never actually thought the girl was going to die, that was hit in the head that's for sure.

So, as far as your writing goes I'm amazed at how much you keep on improving from the very first chapter of Shot of Arrogance to this right now. Keep up the great work, Freak. Now, I did feel like this chapter was a tad bit 'telly' in a few parts and your character has some nice qualities but I have a hard time actually connecting to him. It could be me and my messed up brain which seems to think quirky characters like Ollie was easier to feel than your protagonist here. Give him some more 'umpth' something to really kick his character out. I mean, you're doing very well already I just think you should show us more to him. Then again, could just be me.

Overall, this was a good chapter and I enjoyed reading the nice progression of your characters and all. You have a very nice pace which is pretty important in a story. I find myself liking faster paced stories but yours is a bit slow but not so slow that you loose interest, it actually keeps me interested and the description is done quite well. Congrats, Freak.

So this was a pretty lame review. I promise to do better on the next chapter and hopefully I won't be late. xD

-Punk

Hi, Skins!

So, I'll get to Part Three soon, but I figured that I would read this over quickly and give it a review. So, I liked this Part a lot! It had suspense and tension, and although the level of atmosphere was not quite as intense as in the first part, you had really strong relationships with the characters and their emotions/reactions feel genuine and realistic, which, to me, is most important in a story. I really like the scene with Will and Charlie because it reminds me a lot of the conversations my brother and I have with our mom. I just had a couple of notes.

The first is the circumstances in which Will finds Charlie. If he has been out all night, wouldn't his father and brother be frantic/worried and looking where to find him? I suppose you could argue that they aren't the closest family, but I still think they'd be worried if Charlie went missing, right? Maybe have them talk about why he was gone a little bit, and then Will could ask him to find some food. Right now, he just sees him, says hi, and they go on talking like nothing happened.

Next, I wanted to mention his reaction to the girl's death. Although it's there, you only really mention it in two paragraphs and it doesn't feel strong enough as a result. I would have him act more frantic. You show us that he is in disbelief; expand on that! Does he demand for Will to show him the paper or take him to the crime scene? When he meets up with Austin, does he question him relentlessly about it? The more you have him react the news, the more we'll understand that he was interested/cared about this girl.

The final thing I wanted to mention is the ending. It's suspenseful, yes. It makes us wanting more information. However, I can't say that I like the way that it is composed; it just doesn't feel realistic at all. If he was responsible for the death of someone else, does he draw parallels, is he immediately with insane flashbacks/memories of it when he hears that the blonde girl is dead? I know I would.

So, I like where this is going! PM if you have any questions/if anything is unclear.

~ Elinor

Hey Skins. Never say that I should review if I want to. You wish and I am there. Never say that. I have to review,; I'd never say 'no' to you. Got it?

Okay, now onto the review. I think you tried hard to bring across the rusty roadside feeling towards us, but I'd like to see more of how the setting actually looks like. Remember one thing for this-you're bringing out the unusual flavour of life, it's not necessary that we all have experienced this kind of life(definitely I have not), but we all seem to be fascinated by this. So what I'd want for you to do is to a bit more lengthy description of the scene he finds himself in. What I think is that you might have to over-do here, and believe me, it won't look too bad or either even 'bad'. Just for this once, go with my style(over-describe. XD) Just go over-board with doing more explaining and describing. Just try it for once. It is actually needed here.

So my first actual it-pick would be that this guy, Charlie keeps on repeating that the girl couldn't have been dead because she didn't look like she could die. That sounded weird to me. honestly speaking, I just felt his doing this seemed to make no sense to me and secondly it even made him sound like a girl. Maybe, the idea that he has been groomed into a timid boy is the point of all of this, but still I just wanted to let you know how he actually sounded. Okay, the second thing I'd like to have here is a distinct character or personality to this friend of his, that is Austin. Right now, I am not sure how or what kind of a guy he is, give him something or some trait that is unique or uncommon. Because what I get in here, Austin seems like an important character of the story, so you seriously need to make him more solid. And then there you go.

Okay, otherwise, I think you have improved a lot since your last novel, and this is getting yummier part by part. I really like the gang type of relationship on here. My other question would be that how old is Will? Is he older or younger than Charlie? We need to know that too. The reason: Having a younger brother, even if it is like Will, would make Charlie more responsible because besides taking care of his father, he'll also have to take care of this brother. But if Will is older, it might make them poles apart, so distinct to each other. And it seems to me like it's the second option. Just let us know that, even if Will is not going to be around here much.

Other thing again is about Will. He told his brother to call him 'William', right? And that makes me believe he is some sort of a nerdy guy, because if he is not then guys like him avoid letting people call them by their first name. And I also don't see such a fuss around on here, because even Will's a name, so it won't matter much. But of course, if it's important to the character's development and for the story, then go ahead. And I have an idea who this second murder or death is related to-his mom? And since then his father has started drinking more than he could handle. I am right, I guess. Also, Will seems without any reason weird and rude to his brother, but that might be because of that one murder. But if it's not then I think the bonding between them should be stronger, and this brother should understand Charlie moreover since they both have that drunkard as a father, and I am sure they endure same kind of problems related to him. So, just don't forget that.

Thanks for calling me in(I'll try to make the next chapter's review ASAP)

~Shrubbery

Hey, Skins, here for the second fifth of your request. I'll nitpick as I go through, but hopefully I won't be just pointing out typos this time around. You just make so few mistakes with the style - well, few that I spot. Ah well, at least I know I have a possible career as a proof-reader!

Was she... I swallowed hard.

Question mark after "Was she...", I think. Just so the punctuation reflects the question.

Clenching my jaw, I forced myself to sprint forward.

I don't know if the expression "force oneself" is working here, especially when you've used a very similar phrase only a few paragraphs ago. It's quite clunky. Also, "sprint" seems out of place. Would he really sprint home when he's only five minutes away?

and how greatly I needed some food.

I'd replace "greatly" with "much"; it doesn't flow so well with an adverb.

I banged against something, only just managing to stop myself from falling to the ground. Regaining myself, I looked ahead of me.

You have two "myself" verbs here. I'd replace "stop myself from" with "avoid", and perhaps replace "regaining". I've never really seen that verb used with "myself", but rather with "my composure". Either "regaining my composure" or another verb might fit in a little better here.

That’s supposed to be your stupid job.”

Your characters seem to say "stupid" a lot, so as not to swear. I'd be fine with it if you didn't have Charlie use "bloody" in internal monologue, but as you do, don't you think other characters would repeat it in dialogue? I don't know how old Will's supposed to be - it's not immediately apparent whether he's older or younger, but I think that might help to set him up as older. I love your dialogue for most of this, but Will's seems oddly out of place.

“It’s William, not Will. Is that too many syllables for you or something?” he muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets.

So is Will a geek, or just strangely uptight about his name? I know people have commented on it already, but we don't seem to get a lot from his character here. He's a mass of contradictions. I think it's because Charlie seems to give him a high status in his head, and verbally Will at least halfway matches that, but physically Charlie walks straight past him without a second thought. Again, that's probably why it's so hard to establish an age gap; both of them seem to be on almost the same level of status. It's difficult to glean an idea of the relationship from this. Maybe you could have a look at the moment where Charlie pushes past Will again. Is this a regular occurrence?

I did nothing but gaze at him

The word "gaze" suggest a composure which I don't think Charlie has at the moment. I don't know if you used it because "stare" would have been repeated - if not, I'd stick with "stare".

Her light hair, her fair features, her miniscule waist which contrasted perfectly with her not so small chest. She couldn’t just be dead, not like that.

Maybe you should add a "she was so real" sentence in or something. That's what you're going for, right? It sounds a little like Charlie's lamenting the loss of her "not so small chest". I mean, we know he's not, but he comes off momentarily as somewhat shallow.

an action that proved to be impossible.

I'd cut this; it's implied already.

Entering my house, it almost seemed to swallow me up.

I'd try, "My house almost seemed to swallow me up." As it is, you switch subject here. You use "it" to describe the house in the second half of the sentence, even though I assume it's Charlie entering the house in the first, so the two clauses are unrelated. The construction doesn't make complete sense. You could alternatively use, "As I entered my house, it almost seemed to swallow me up." You'll have to mess around to see whether the flow allows for that.

The blood ferociously pumped through my veins.

I'm adverb-phobic, but I don't think blood really pumps "ferociously". Ferocity suggests something savage; that's it's root, anyway. Try "fiercely", if you have to use one.

I mean, I’d seen that girl... She couldn’t just die like that.

Yeah, that's what I was getting at earlier on, with the shallowness. This is good.

My bed sheet hung of off its mattress

the cold bedcovers feeling freezing underneath me.

"cold"... then "freezing"... You've probably noticed by now that I have a bit of a thing for unnecessary words. Anyway, I'd consider trying to rephrase this.

“Wow, are you actually bothering to get some food?” Will’s voice caught me by surprise.

Again, Will seems quite immature here, yet before, he's insistent on being called William and setting himself up as quite a figure of authority. I know it's to do with perception, but I struggle to think of him as either an older or younger sibling at the moment. He could be either, and his relationship with Charlie isn't clear. Might just be my experience of short story reviewing; I suppose you have a whole novel to expand on it. For an introduction, though, we're not given much to work with.

If reality didn’t exist, and only thoughts and feelings controlled everything, then she would have been an act of my imagination.

This seems strangely out of place. A bit of philosophical commentary in the middle of it all? I'm not even sure what you mean by "if reality didn't exist". It sounds like an idea you'd have to explore in some more detail for it to be relevent. As it is, you've covered the dreamlike state already.

I like the progression of Charlie's mindset through this part. He wakes up disorientated, but by the end of the chapter, he's agreed not to say anything and is as distant as he can be from the events. As always, it's a nice cliffhanger. I've made my notes on Will's character above, so I won't go over that, and it sounds like you have plans to rectify most of it in the following chapters. It's just difficult to pin his character down, and he doesn't seem as real as Charlie and Austin.

Thanks again for the read. I don't usually read this kind of fiction, but it's got me hooked.

- Jet.

hi Skinsy!!!


1)Ohmigosh!!!!!!! I love how at the very end you introduced something to make us think.
2) Wow! if I had just witnessed a murder I would be really scared. Then I would call the cops and explain.
but Charlie isn't like that. I do think though, it would be more realalistic if you showed an internal struggle before he told Austin he wouldn't say anything.
3) much better with the 'damn' issue.

On to chapter to 3!
~pointe