Stop and Stare (Part 2)

Hey Skins!

I hope this is okay I haven't read any of the other reviews so I'm sorry if I repeat anything.

What happened to her?

This may just be me, but I think this would be better with 'had' before 'happened'

'What had happened to her?'

reaching the outside of my house.

I'm assuming Charlie and Will live together? If so, I'd change 'my house' to 'our house'

I notice that you also write -

He nodded at the house next door to mine.

and

I opened the gate of my front garden,

This makes me think that they don't live together, leading me to my next question. How old is Will? I mean, I get the vibe that he's older than Charlie and I was just wondering how much older.

began to walk down the pathway

he ambled down the pathway.

The two sentences above sound very similar. We already know that Will is walking along the pathway, due to the first sentence, so maybe change the second to something like -

'he ambled towards the door.'

something that happened in another park somewhere else.

Again, I'd add 'had' before 'happened'

Unfortunately for me, Will couldn’t read minds and I was too much of a girl to say it to his face.

I never noticed how bad

'I had never noticed how bad'

I spun around to see him leaning against the living room door with a smirk on his cocky little face.

Now, this makes me think that Will is younger than Charlie. I'd suggest adding in in the story somewhere who is the older sibling. That way it'll make it clearer for the reader.

I could see my father sitting on the sofa as the man watched the television in amusement.

I get what you're trying to say in this sentence, but 'the man' bit is a bit confusing. At least to me I'd suggest re-wording it to something like -

'I could see my father sitting on the sofa, watching the television in amusement.'

The cops will blame you just as much as they’d blame me.

You switch tenses during this sentence. It should either be -

'The cops will blame you just as much as they’ll blame me.'

or

'The cops would blame you just as much as they’d blame me.'

There was something about his face, his tone, even the way he was standing that made my legs shake.

I'd add in a comma after 'standing'

I was hardly going to get anywhere if I went around, carrying on acting like I was right now.

The last bit sounds awkward. I'd nix 'carrying on'

E.g - 'I was hardly going to get anywhere if I went around acting like I was right now.'

This wasn't the first death I was responsible for.

Good ending. It makes me want to find out more about Charlie's past

So, overall, I think you did a good job. It followed on nicely from chapter one and you introduced us to Will well and you maintained the relationship between Charlie and Austin. You did a good job of showing rather than telling too

I really want to know how Charlie will cope with keeping it all a secret. He already seems ready to crack. You did a good job of describing his thoughts and feelings - I feel sorry for him as his life already seems to be rather rubbish without the girl dying on him.

So, I hope this review helps!

Thanks for the read!

xDudettex

Everyone has said everything else but this:

What about the other boys? Wouldn't they have gone to the police? Seems silly that the girl's "boyfriend" hasn't told the police what went on. He has nothing to lose.

This is a review over both parts of Chapter One

Hey Skins! Thanks so much for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here's a thanks-for-entering review!

I shuffled away from him in my seat.

I feel like shuffled isn't the right word here.

The terraced houses beside me were towering over me, and the more I walked, the bigger their shadows became.

One of those "me"s should go, it sounds awkward with both of them there.

He should’ve touched that up; it's already healing up.

Same here with the "up"s.

I realised something then. All of this seemed familiar and my head struggled to figure out why. It was as though there was something hidden in my mind, trying to break out and free itself to remind me of something. Something I might not have wanted to remember. It was niggling at my brain, frustrating me even further. As I passed my own house, the answer became clear. This wasn’t an entirely blank canvas being painted on because this had all happened before. Five years ago. I stopped in my tracks and stared ahead of me. This wasn't the first death I was responsible for.

I feel like this chapter could have a better ending than this. This is just so...obvious. In the way that it's obvious this is here to hook a reader. I wouldn't lose the premise, the whole being responsible for another death thing is good, it should just be more subtly brought up.

This was very good, Skins. I really enjoyed reading it. You've done a lovely job with Charlie, as well as your other characters. At points I wished I could get a little more understanding of Charlie's emotions, but he strikes me as a very shy/reserved/hidden person so it wouldn't make sense to get long rambling prose about how he feels. xD But, there could be some places where a little more insight on emotion would be appropriate (especially the alley scene towards the end of the chapter). The plot itself is great. You've done a great job creating the world of the story and diving into it (if that makes sense at all, haha, forgive me it's late xD).

Well there's really not much else I have to say. Great job, and definitely keep writing!

Thanks again for entering my contest!

-Lauren-

Sorry for the delay, here's review 1.2

I lvoe the characters you've created. They all have their own very distinct personalities, quirks and habits. Either you've put a *lot* of thought into them, or you're just good at character work. There were times when I was reading that I almost forgot that they're fictional.

The mystery of this girl is playing on my mind. From the first part of the chapter I kind of guessed that she was obviously not the kind of girl to be hanging around with the gangs, however, what was she doing there? I'm guessing, or at least I hope, that will be revealed later.

Charlie waking up in a random allyway is even more peculiar, and it almost doesn't seem to fit. Why he ended up there I also assume will be told later. I got a bit confused though when he bumped into Will. Will was going next door, so surely Charlie would have been paying attention enough to realise when he was turning in to his own house/gate, in order to bump into Will on this path, right?

I think Will's speech needs a bit of work, too. People who use words like 'profoundly' can generally find better ways to express themselves than cursing shortly afterwards. The phrase 'more or less' contradicts both the curse and the use of the longer word. Because of this I couldn't really figure out what Will was actually trying to say, if he was angry about the food, expression a general dislike of Charlie, or trying to act smart by throwing random words into his sentences because he thinks they sound good.

Next up, chapter two point one.

Hey there, Skinsles!

Again, I only read a few of the reviews, so sorry if I repeat anything.

Also again, you're really making this hard on me, you know that? You have well-developed characters, enough description to see the scene but not enough to hold it back, nice dialogue, good plot as far as I can tell. There's not a whole lot wrong with this - almost nothing worth even pointing out.

“Wow, are you actually bothering to get some food?”

This could just be me, but William says the word "food" a lot. I mean, more than necessary. By this point at least we get that he wants Charlie to get food - if he just says something like "Wow, are you actually bothering to get off your lazy arse?" or something like that, we get the point. (And again, probably a very bad example, but I hope you get my point.) I'd rewrite some of the sentences.

As I passed my own house, every inch of my body tensed. This wasn’t an entirely blank canvas being painted on because this had all happened before. Five years ago. I stopped in my tracks and stared ahead of me. This wasn't the first death I was responsible for.

Do you mean "I wasn't..." or are you referring to their house or family or?

Also, the last line here seems a bit abrupt, and you can tell it's there to create suspense. Melodramatic suspense. And yes, it makes us want to find out more, but it also makes us think "Is this the best she can do? Just plainly putting things in front of us?" See the very end of a chapter is the place people generally stop, and for that and other reasons, it's also the place they remember most clearly - that's why, when you want to insert critical information but not focus too much on it, you should never put it at the end like this.

I think this would have a lot greater of effect if you didn't treat it like a plot device - maybe hinting to it more above, saying it in a more subtle way. Create lingering curiosity, not blaring cliffhangers. Because for this piece, I think that's what's going to get people here to keep reading.

Again, pretty shoddy review. I guess I'll just have to keep going until there's something actually wrong with your writing though, eh?

loveness, ultraviolet <3

I read it.

At first, I was like... weird setting, weird situation...

But then it kind of settled. I felt like the characters were becoming slightly more realistic. However, their emotions seemed- I don't know- disembodied.

I'm not an expert at showing emotions, both in real life and in writing. Thus, I'm not the best one on this matter. So maybe you should make them say what they're feeling.

I mean, aren't they afraid? I get that Austin is putting on a face for his friend and your MC is trying to man up, but death causes hysteria, frenzy, panic.

I'm a strong person when it comes to emotions, and yet if I accidentally killed someone I'd be animalistic in front of friend witnesses. For instance, if my best friend saw me kill someone and I wanted to conceal the murder, then I'd pretty much pin him to the wall and beg him not to say anything. There'd be stress-tears involved, etc. That's just my opinion.

OVERALL: I love your writing style, but it somewhat lacks when it comes to showing the "gravity of the situation." The more disastrous their predicament feels, the more I'll be compelled to read =)