Please Help Me...

Ok, this poem...this is for Alicia Wolfe...one of my best friends...who committed suicide. She died on 11-11-04, a thursday, but she had been brain dead for exactly one week...this poem...writing this poem was the first time I really cried. It has so much emotion in it that I can't look at it abjectively to criticize it, so please, help?

Good-bye?

I only want to scream,
Wrapped up in this black tear dream.
Was it something I did, or didn’t?
I guess nothing’s as it seems.

I want to rave, and rant,
Ignoring all these hellish can’s and cant’s,
Though I know you didn’t mean to hurt me,
How can I not without my partner for this Technicolor dance?

Did you fall deaf to my touch?
Was the feel of my voice just not enough?
Well it’s not enough to just wince at my tears,
As they fall onto my knuckles, newly bloodied and rough.

I’m surrounded by steel and lies,
Plaster tile and plastic alibis,
Till my screams echo inside this void,
Driven crazy by the mechanical whines.

I’d throw more things breakable,
But my quivering muscles make me unable,
And I wish you’d all just leave me alone,
Before the constant touching makes me even more unstable.

I guess now you’ve seen the rock shatter,
Heard the broken dreams scatter,
While outside the sky cried my tears for me,
What’s the matter, pitter patter, let’s drive her madder…

Make her cry, let me cry,
Let me say good-bye,
But how can I till I know why,
Tell me why she had to die!

Did you plan to use that cord?
Did you buy all the pills you could afford?
Were you scared, smothered in plastic?
Laughing, crying, or just not caring anymore?

I guess we’ll never know,
Why you chose to go,
And maybe that’s why I’m going insane,
Why didn’t you leave a note?

Please, someone help me cry,
Someone tell me why,
Let me say good-bye...
Can this poem be good-bye?

First off, i can see how hard this must have been to write.

What’s the matter, pitter patter, let’s drive her madder…

this line is excellent.

Tell me why she died!

this breaks the rhyme and rythm you had going.

Where laughing, crying, or just not care anymore?

caring, not care (grammar, usually i leave that alone in poems, but here it is choppy, and doesn't make as much sense) even not anymore caring... (that was a bit out there, yes).

Why didn’t you leave a note?

you need this line, but it just doesn't fit, but i'm not sure how to help that along..

Thanks Meshugenah, this poem means a lot to me, and I want it to be the best that it can be. I made a few altercations, tell me what you think.

i like it! just one thing that i thought i had said something about...

Was it something I did, or didn’t?

i wasn't sure about this line.. i was thinking something like; was it something i did, or didn't do?
I like your version, i'm just being nit picky

aww...that's really recent, too. Anyways...most people when they write *ahem* RHYMING grief poems, they write some useless mass of forced-sadness GUNK...this poem isn't like that. And you don't tell us blatently 'She died by sticking her head in a plastic bag.' You leave us to guess...(I bet that's not even what happened). And you leave us little itty-bitty hints that tell us, maybe she was doing drugs or something? But you weren't all 'Oooh look what happens when you do drugs, that's a bad girlie thing to do.' I could really appreciate this poem..an eighth grader at my school hung himself in his bedroom. It was really kind of a shock, even for the people who didn't know him, because NOTHING like this ever happens in Lincoln. Lincoln is *ahem* sleepy and booooring...

Thanks, though I'm not sure about that line...I like how it just kind of ends...a litte symbolic, don't you think?

And, yea, she did...kind of. She took a lot of muscle relzers, put a plastic bag over her head, put a rope around her neck and hund it from her fan....then sat down...that's it, she just...sat down...

That's one of the reasons this is so hard for me...I'm trying to show how...utterly simple it was. She didn't leap from something, she didn't over dose...she just sat down...

Sweetly ambiguous--I really enjoyed this and I kind of can sympathise...last year a guy I knew...hung himself by a tree with some rope in his backyard.

honestly i think it could stand to be shorter. though pain and grief are very complicated i find often the longer someone goes on about it the less poignant it is. but i don't think it's my place to suggest what to take out because i think you would know what's most important.

I really understand how hard this poem must have been for you to write. It was very well written and besdes the other comments, I don't have much to say except good work on a hard topic...

The place you took me isn't any of the places I was expecting to go, that's very, very cool. I love the assonance in the sixth stanza.

Whoa...suicide...I can see how hard it was to write, and I just want to say that this was a great poem. The rhyming was awesome and the emotion that you put into it was just amazing. Its one of my favorite poems ever, definetely.

Soyala Amaya wrote:
I only want to scream,
Wrapped up in this black tear dream.

Wow, this line just started off the poem in full emotion and was really good. The rhyming was amazing.

Soyala Amaya wrote:Was it something I did, or didn’t?

Not too sure about this line, doesn't really fit. Just either take it out or replace it.

Soyala Amaya wrote:I want to rave, and rant,
Ignoring all these hellish can’s and cant’s,

Very good rhyming, I love it. Although 'can's' doesn't need the apostrophe, " ' "

Soyala Amaya wrote:Did you fall deaf to my touch?

Not too sure about this one...

Soyala Amaya wrote:I’m surrounded by steel and lies,
Plaster tile and plastic alibis,

Very good line, I love it. Very emotional.

Soyala Amaya wrote:Driven crazy by the mechanical whines.

I really like this line, due to it goes with many kinds of topics.

Soyala Amaya wrote:And I wish you’d all just leave me alone,

Wow, this line just straight out told the reader your emotion, it stuck out, which was really good. Kind of like a climax changing to a different issue.

Soyala Amaya wrote:I guess now you’ve seen the rock shatter,
Heard the broken dreams scatter,
While outside the sky cried my tears for me,
What’s the matter, pitter patter, let’s drive her madder…

This is so my favorite line. It just rocks, I mean, the rhyming is great, and the emotion is great too. The last line of that part is my all time favorite though, it was really good cramming all those words and making them go with the whole flow of the poem.

Soyala Amaya wrote:Make her cry, let me cry,
Let me say good-bye,
But how can I till I know why,
Tell me why she had to die!

I can really, I mean, really feel your emotion here. This was the most flat out emotional line, and it was really good.

Soyala Amaya wrote:I guess we’ll never know,
Why you chose to go,

The rhyming is pretty cool, but I'm not really too sure about this one.

Soyala Amaya wrote:Let me say good-bye...
Can this poem be good-bye?

Although it fits, and you did this on purpose, but it just doesn't flow well.

Wow, this is so my favorite poem ever and it is the most emotional one in this forum, definetely. I just love it.

I was crying half way through that poem.

Make her cry, let me cry,
Let me say good-bye,
But how can I till I know why,
Tell me why she had to die!

Right there, that's where I started crying.

I only want to scream,
Wrapped up in this black tear dream.

I liked this bit, though I'm not sure "like" is a good word to describe the poem. The black tear dream bit, very good.

It's a good poem, lot's off rhyming poems don't work out very powerfully, but this did. I like (like?) it how it shows you going through different emotions.

This is brilliant! The others got all of the real crit, but it's SO good! I truly felt your pain, and I know how you feel. One of my friends attempted suicide, luckily he lived. But it was SO awful! The poems I wrote weren't anything like this, though. This is so much deeper. It's so sad, and it seems like it has a sort of goth-feel, if you know what I mean. Good job, I really think it's "super dooper" in a really sad way.

Hey everyone, thanks for your comments, it really makes me feel, well, not good (duh) but proud of my own talent that I can do this all right in the middle of a crisis. For those of you who have mentioned understanding, thanks. For those that don't...I envy you. I truly truly envy you with all my soul.

And, just a question, does anyone think I should just delete the third stanza? I've been reading this obsessively the past couple of days and that stanza seems to stick out oddly.

And now that my comp is working again, I will begin to critique some of your guy's stuff. Thanks again...oh, and sorry about making you cry Eloere, but that does let me see how much I was able to put into this.

I say keep the third stranza! Seriously! (unless you've alreadly deleted it and it's not the thrid stranza anymore... I'll stop, I'm confusing myself)

It's not a bad thing about making me cry. So don't feel bad about that, I knew exactly how you were feeling (even though I've never had that sort of thing happen to me, I still knew) and I felt so sad for you, and for everything (which is a really good thing, to put feeling into a poem). But it sort of made me feel better. Does that make sense?

Ps, I realise that I did not put the spew seal on that. It's for two reasons.
a) well, it wasn't really a full on edit anyway
b) there is nothing in this world you can do to me to make me rip that to pieces, dicecting it for good bits, then thrust it back into the authors hands and put the responsiblity for it on a group. It's too emotional, plus I'd probably syart crying again if I tried to edit it anyway...