Young Writers Society

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
beneath the hazy silver light;
Intoxicated by the fumes
of cigarettes and cheap perfume.

Perhaps we should not dance tonight,
lose ourselves in pulsing lights;
And spin around out of control,
fueled on by alcohol.<--This line doesn't have as many syllable's as the others, it doesn't sound like it fits.

Perhaps we should not talk like this,
tongues so laced with a candid wish;
Or look into each other eyes,
and reading there such sweet demise.

Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
beneath the blinding, numbing light;
And save the precious teenage wish,
from a fevered mind and fleeting kiss.

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the hazy silver light;
Intoxicated by the fumes
Of cigarettes and cheap perfume.

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not talk like this,
Tongues so laced with candid wish;
Or look into each other eyes,
And reading there such sweet demise.

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the blinding, numbing light;
And save the precious teenage wish,
From a fevered mind and fleeting kiss.

Tongues so laced with candid wish;

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the hazy silver light; "Silver light" feels out of place here. When I think of silver light, I think of the moon, and for me cigarettes and cheap perfume don't meld very well with moonlight. Maybe a reference to a dimly lit room (bar/pub/etc?) would work better.
Intoxicated by the fumes
Of cigarettes and cheap perfume.

Perhaps we should not dance tonight,
Lose ourselves in pulsing lights; Again, you've mentioned lights. Try using another phrase.
And spin around out of control,
Fueled on by alcohol. This was the only instance where I thought your rhyme was out of place. Unless you have an accent, "control" and "alcohol" don't rhyme, and I can't even think of an accent that would make them do that either way.

Perhaps we should not talk like this,
Tongues so laced with candid wish;
Or look into each other eyes,
And reading there such sweet demise. This whole stanza was visually and narratively awesome. Very vivid. Nice work.

Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the blinding, numbing light; Light again! I don't know if you wanted this to be a theme in your poem, but I don't think it works.
And save the precious teenage wish,
From a fevered mind and fleeting kiss.

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the hazy silver light;
Intoxicated by the fumes
Of cigarettes and cheap perfume.
I love the description here.

Perhaps we should not dance tonight,
Lose ourselves in pulsing lights;
And spin around out of control,
Fueled on by alcohol.
this stanza is probably my favorite.

Perhaps we should not talk like this,
Tongues so laced with candid wish;
Or look into each other eyes,
And reading there such sweet demise.
I like how there's a sort of forewarning here about the unhappy ending

Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the blinding, numbing light;
And save the precious teenage wish,
From a fevered mind and fleeting kiss.