She Lost an Ear

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i didn't get it. what where the main characters tertay and georga i think. what are they?other tha nthat i thought it was fantastic!

Hi, I found one mistake where you put 'hug' instead of 'huge' here:

I slithered as quickly as I could, but she had huge legs and hug feet, so she took big steps and I could hardly manage to stay ahead of her.

The story itself i found really strange. At the beginning i thought Gorga and Tertay were kids, then when it said her ear was torn off i thought they were living dolls or toys (fits with them being in the mall to start, then being bought and going to someone's house). But then Gorga went inside that girl's ear, so i thought they were insects or bacteria, but even that isn't consistent with the rest of the descriptions, and it all just left me confused.
While i was reading the story i found myself asking loads of questions that never got answered (apart from what the hell are these things?)
What's the significance of them starting off in the mall, and why do they move to someone's house? If Gorga's ear was torn off on the shirt, why does nobody notice an ear attached to their shirt, or blood everywhere? Why does Gorga go inside the girl's ear? How do they know that the place they were in was a mall, and the girl is a girl, a shirt is called a shirt etc. If they just suddenly came into being ('I don't remember when we were born; I only remember waking up one morning and we were being dragged out of the mall') how can they communicate without having to learn language, and how do they know the names for everything?
The story doesn't seem to have a real purpose, it is just a sequence of events that don't mean anything; to the reader or to the characters in the story. Gorga has her ear torn off, but doesn't react. They begin living in someone's house but the people don't notice. There's no tension in your story. You need something to keep the reader interested.
Also, the main character doesn't show a lot of emotion. I think at one point she says she is sad that Gorga lost her ear, but that's it. Because of this i don't feel connected to the narrator at all, and don't feel anything towards the characters.
So, it was pretty strange, i think you need to work on it a bit for it to make sense.

I agree wih leebass. I have no idea what these character-things are. What have ears and act like insects or bacteria? It's weird. I can't think of anything to fit this description. Maybe an alien? In any case, a bit more description may be good here.

Also, that may help us know about Tertay and why she is so detached and very... simple, emotionally.

Hey Hannah!

This was...strange, but a good strange. If that makes any sense, haha. Anyways, I enjoyed it, more as I read on than in the beginning. The beginning was really confusing to me. I couldn't place what they were supposed to be at all until the end, first I thought they were puppies and then I thought they were dolls, but I finally settled on some sort of parasitic worm.

While I like how subtle you're trying to be with what they are, it's almost too subtle. It was really frustrating to me to try to figure out what exactly they were for over half the story that I couldn't concentrate on the actual story. Also, if I came to the wrong conclusion of what they were, that kind of defeats the purpose. I think if it were just clearer from the beginning things like how big they are, maybe a little more what they look like, and the whole business about the ear it would be a lot better.

About the ear. That didn't make sense to me. The ear was caught in the button, which made me assume they were something bigger (but then that didn't make sense that they were unnoticed on the girl), but then when I thought they were worms I didn't think they would have ears/ears big enough to get caught on a button...

Basically, after all my rambling, just make the beginning clearer! Put a little more emphasis on what Gorga and Tertay are, and it'll be great.

Also, one nitpick:

I saw them nearly touch the pale, snow blue, gray sky over a lake blue of her irises.

This is really wordy in description. I had to read it a few times to understand it. Clean it up a bit and you'll be good as gold.

Great job and good luck submitting this!

-Lauren-

Hey CBF, here as you so adorably begged! I'll take $100,000,000 upfront, please; you can pay the other half later. *nods*

Actually, I'm facing the same dilemma as everyone else: I don't understand any of this. It's like "Her Last Drink Was Coffee" for me-- it's pretty to read, and it's absolutely well written, but I just don't get it. Normally I'd say maybe it's me, that I just don't understand, but at least four other reviewers didn't. I understand the uses of ambiguity and vagueness. But there's a certain level of appreciation that can only be achieved when the reader comprehends what they're reading, and I don't think a lot of people will.

Initially I thought it was unborn twins, speaking to each other in the womb, through the stomach, something or other. It didn't really make sense with the ear and the crawling across the floor, though. Then, maybe a shadow? But what's the significance of making Gorga and Tertay sisters, then? I then turned to more concrete things: a worm, maybe, or a lizard or scorpion. But they wouldn't have been small enough to be able to hide in her sweater, and never would've been able to crawl in the girl's ear. Finally, I thought, bacteria? Cell? Microscopic organisms? That would have been my final guess if not for the "She Lost an Ear" part, because the mention of such a specific body part on a microscopic organism was off-putting. Bacteria don't have ears; what's the significance, then?

In the end, that's my problems. I don't know what's important or relevant to the story. The loss of an ear? The sister things, and the the fat/skinny sisters? Are they supposed to be connected or parallel somehow? I don't know what to focus on or read more into. I'm not sure what I'm looking at, or looking for.

I think I told you this last time, too, but my advice would be to focus in more on what's significant. What connects everything together? You said your teacher wants you to submit this, which makes me assume he's read it, which would mean he understood it and liked it. Which is great! I'd just love something more concrete to grab onto.

~Evi

AHHH HANNAH I wanted to know what they were. D: As I started reading, I thought they were girls. Then I started to think they were dogs. Then I started to think they were worms of some kind and was like ehhhh creepy. But I would really have wanted to know for sure. Because I think I would have really really liked this story if the ending had been a bit more explanatory. I still liked this. It was a bit Roald Dahl-ish at parts. And I love Roald Dahl.

Anyway, this is what I wrote as I was reading:

Gorga was caught by her ear on the button of something hanging out of one of the big mall bags.

I don't like this sentence D: too… of of of.

Gorga’s eyes were open wide, but she didn't seem to have the intention of doing anything.

This was a bit funny. At the first read, these things didn't have any connection, and they still sort of don't --> confusion --> not good.


(Ooooh they're not human probably?)

“No, I've learned how to move beyond that.” 

This line seemed too matter-of-fact to me. I mean, even though this is what she means and wants to say, I don't like how she says it. I'd prefer something like "You stop noticing after a while" or anything that's slightly more like that than what you have now. /can'texplain

I worry to see you

Hmmmmh this sounds odd.

“But your ear,” I said.

For some reason, I love this line so much.


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And there it ends. I thought this was going to end with the girl vomiting Gorga out. I was so sure she was going to do that. But I don't know if she did. Probably not.

In general, I like the way you write. There's just enough everything, and it's comfortable to read. But also in general, I'm not a big fan of your titles. I'm sorry to say it, but there's always something that seems offputting to me. So if only you can come up with another title for this, I'd suggest you replace the current one.

Hope this helped


Demeter
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