DuhAznDude96 wrote:the poem here, u could hav added a little more. who is it ur talkin about? why do u love him/her so much? how much did he pay you to write this?
Every time we are together
it seems as if we are
the only two in the room.
CardDragon wrote:Please what is that first person talking about.
Poems are not suppose to be presence. I actually liked that poem, it was a good poem.
Though it was normal, you may want to use more exciting words or metaphors.
Along with that it was good for a beginner.
I'll do a quick review since lots of people already replied.When I hear your soothing voice,
I smile and feel rejoiced. past?
Every time we are together,
It seems as if we are
The only two in the room. may I suggest : When we are together, everything disappears and looses its meaning? It's only a suggestion.
I want to be with you, forever.
Separate this here
Your eyes,when you look at me,
Make my heart skip a beat.
Can't you see?
When you hold my hand,
I feel safe.
Every time you are next to me,
I don't feel alone anymore. since you use feel already in there, I'd suggest the use of another word.
There's so much to adore.
Oh, and, I love you more.
I think this poem could be a lot more passionate and powerful, maybe by adding a few more lines here, there and everywhere that fit into the poem. When you hold my hand
I feel safe.
foreveralone wrote:When I hear your soothing voice,
I smile and feel rejoiced We don't know what rejoiced really feels like, it's a happy thing, I know, but it's an emotion, which is abstract. Anything that is abstract can be classified as blank description, because it tells us nothing. Try using a smilie or something here. Instead of "... And feel rejoiced" Try something like: ... and feel like I've opened a new door. Something that is good and could envoke emotion in us, so that we would feel that rejoice and better connect with the poem.
When we are together,
everything disappears
and looses its meaning. This is kinda boring. The reason for that is that it's mostly straight foward, you telling us what is what. Rather than showing us. An example here would be saying like: The tv is nothing more than a light, bathing us etc etc. A tv does more than give off light, but that doesn'tmatter because you're with this person. Something is a bit more interesting, and again, more relatable. Because there have been times where you've turned on a TV just for the light, and what was on it didn't matter, right?
I want to be with you forever. You don't really need to say that you want to be with them forever, you're writing about how much you love them, so we can already tell that you don't want them to leave.
Your eyes,when you look at me You don't need to say "your eyes" if you're going to say when he/she looks at you. The reason for this is: If they're looking at you, we pretty much knows this means their eyes. Besides, the your eyes also breaks the flow a bit. Try removing it.
It make my heart skip a beat.
Can't you see? You should try not asking questions in poetry, it usually just hurts the poem. We should be asking the questions based on what you said, the actions given.
When you hold my hand
I feel safe. Again, this is kinda simple and you should try rephrasing this (check above for more on it.) Also, safe, as a feeling less abstract is because safe is the absense of fear or worry, atleast to me, and that means that you feel okay, normal. It's describing the lack of something, so... it's a bit looser but I'm still not all for it.
Every time you are next to me
I don't feel alone anymore.
There's so much to adore.
Oh, and, I love you more.
and looses its meaning.
Your eyes,when you look at me
When you hold my hand
Every time you are next to me
The way it was written, it's like the persona suddenly wanted to add the 'I love you more' part. ^_^ I like the simplicity of this poem although it feels like it lacks some more 'description'.DuhAznDude96 wrote:the poem here, u could hav added a little more. who is it ur talkin about? why do u love him/her so much? how much did he pay you to write this?
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