First, of course, are some nitpicks (mainly typos):
I smile and feel rejoiced.
>> I won't usually point out this nitpick, but it seems like you were using punctuations grammatically. So, I guess, I had to point this out.
Your eyes,<space>when you look at me,
it make my heart skip a beat.
OVERALL
Okay, so that's just about it. I have a lot to say about this, I think. Some are personal, but some you, I believe, should take into consideration. You choose which to accept though.
First, the rhyming. I couldn't tell if you were trying to rhyme or so. When I read the first two lines, I thought it would rhyme, but it didn't. And so, when I read further, I was like "okay, so subtle rhyming"; but when it came to these lines:
When you hold my hand
I feel safe.
They totally had killed the rhyming, or attempted rhyming. I don't know, and I couldn't tell.
So that's just my little whining about the rhyming. I just want to say that, I had hopes up when I read the first two lines:
When I hear your soothing voice,
I smile and feel rejoiced
Read them aloud. Can you hear it? The rhythm was perfect! But you killed it, which, maybe it's just me--just me, kind of disappoints the reader.
Second, like the rhyming, the structure and the rhythm were lacking. Even free verse has rhythm, but I just couldn't point out the rhythm here.
Third, there were vague lines, and jumping lines:
When we are together,
everything disappears
and loses its meaning
You tended to jump here:
I want to be with you forever. (here)
Your eyes,when you look at me
It make my heart skip a beat.
It was like, the line "I want to be with you forever" was simply inserted or so.
I'm sorry, but I find this a poem of cliche. I'm sorry, but you really need to think of original ideas more. I find it too blunt and lastly, lacking imagery. I have one question, have you ever fallen in love before and felt this?
I apologize if I sounded harsh. But it's needed (bluntness) for you to improve. Don't take our corrections as discouragement (oh no! we, at least most, would never want that!) take them as open doors to improvement. So, like every other good reviewer, I will say it, and mean it: KEEP WRITING! You can always PM me or post on my wall for any questions.
~ Jash ♥
