The best christmas present

"Daddy! Daddy come here" Chloe said. She was knelt in her white winter coat and brown trousers. Her ginger hair crawled out from beneath her grey hat. I walk down the garden, past the frozen flowers and iced over pond. When I got to her she had her hands clasp tightly over something.
"What is it baby girl?" I smiled. She looked up eyes wide with excitement.
"I got one! I finally caught one!" She yelled folowed by laughter. A hard cough left her gentle frame, so I took her in my arms. Pulling her into my arms.
"Look Daddy," She has put her hands up to my face and made a slight hole in her hands for me to see. A firefly dances inside her hands giving off a luminous green glow. "I finally caught her daddy," She said with excitement.
"Her?"
"Her name is . . . Daddy she needs a pretty name,"
"Then why don't we call her chloe," I offered her. She sat pondering the thought.
"But I'm chloe. . . she is Chloe two!" she smiled up at me. I held her closer in my arms, she was so delicate, so beautiful and so close to death it was unbearable. My little girl was dying and there was nothing I could do.
"Come on in you two or you'll catch the cold," My wife yelled from the top of the garden. She leant against the chipped white door frame in her old grey cardigan and her jogger trousers. Her dark brown hair twirled up into a bun.
"Let her go ,Chlo." I whispered in her ear. She opened her hand and the fly jumped out and within seconds it was gone.
"Bye Chloe two," She yelled getting to her feet. She turned and looked at me stern faced, held that for a few seconds then burst into a giant smile. I smiled back. She ran up the garden towards her mother's warm embrace. Lilly, she was the candle in this darkness.

I began to walk up the garden as they went inside. The pain inside my chest was unbearable. I still couldn't comprehend how neither of us were a match. We're her parents for christ sake. For christ sake, I had been saying that a lot lately. I had to blame someone. I walked into the house and shut the door behind me. Chloe was sat at the end of the dining table swinging her legs. I sat opposite her, and she began pulling funny faces, I pulled them back of course. Lilly walked in carrying the bowl full of cranberry sauce to complement the turkey.
"Yuck! Cranberry's . . .Can I have chocolate sauce instead?" Chloe asked. It was moments like that I was going to miss. Lilly placed the bowl on the table and gave me a kiss. She smelt like cinnamon and her lips were so soft. Her phone blarred into life, mistltoe and wine sung from the Blackberry.
"Hello," Her voice changing as she is on the phone. Chloe had started copying her every move.
"Oh hello. You're working on christmas day?!" Her voice a mixture of confusion and shock.
"Oh right, Fair enough, I suppose thank you for working is in order then," she laughed a little. Silence filled the air for a little while, until Lilly fell to her knees, the blackberry smahing on the floor. I jumped straight to her side.
"what's a matter Lilly? what did they say?"
"They've . . They've" She started breathing heavily. I rubbed her back slowly trying to sooth her.
"They've got lungs for Chloe. Andy, they've got a perfect match." I couldn't reply. My heart was pounding a thousand beats to the second. My head felt like it had been covered with a strange haze. My breath became short and rapid. I thought I was on the verge of collapsing until Chloe spoke.
"What does that mean?" she asked with a serious, scared look on her face.
"It means." I stopped and stared at her. My beautiful little girl with long ginger hair, a beautiful smile. I thought of all she will be, of all that will happen to her and I just smiled.
"It means everything will be okay Chlo," She smiled and jumped down next to me. I took her in one arm and held Lilly in yhe other. Everything was going to be okay. Nothing else mattered at that point. My little girl was going to be okay, My life was how it should be;perfectly normal. It had simply become the best christmas ever.

Hello there! I'll be your reviewer for today.

Okay, so I didn't see any nitpicks. You did an awesome job describing, but sometimes you needed a little more. Especially near the end when they were so joyful it didn't seem as if there was much description. That is an important place to put it.

This was amazing. I totally loved it. You even made me cry you punk! Kidding, its a good thing it made me cry. I loved how close the family was and how they weren't broken, but they were good to each other and that they were tied together, unlike a lot of families we see. This was amazing. Keep up the good work.

Hi, Retro.

So, I thought this was a cute little story. You had some good ideas and the ending has a feel that reflects the spirit of Christmas, and the winter holidays in general. However, I bet that it could probably be a lot better then it is right now. I can tell that you have the basic idea down, but overall this piece still feels very rough. Here are a few things you can look for while editing:

~ Grammar. All in all, this is what is really killing your piece. There are parts where it is alright, but throughout most of it everything feels just inconsistent and lazy. For one thing, proper names should be capitalized at all times. A comma should be directly after the word proceeding it and there should be a space between it and the next world. However, most of the errors are prevalent in your dialogue punctuation. Sometimes you have nothing after a quote, and occasionally you have commas where they shouldn't be. Take a look at this article, and then do a spot-check of the piece, and you'll see what I am talking about.

To avoid many of these mistakes in the future, what you can do is proofread your piece. Read it once aloud, and once to yourself, and you'll catch a lot of things you messed up on when writing originally.

~ Emotion. Right now, I can tell this is supposed to be a very emotional piece, and while I'm grasping some of that, it just doesn't really feel as strong as it should be. We all understand that loss, especially that of a child, is something terrible that no one wants to go through. However, the characters feel underdeveloped, which makes it hard to sympathize with them and understand what the narrator and his wife are going through.

I think you have the individual characters down, but you need to focus more on the relationships, which will really make the piece click. How long has Chloe been sick? How old is she? Does she know that she's sick? Has the couple had to spend a lot of money they do not have to help her find treatment? Have they been having horrible nightmares of what it might be like to loose their daughter?

Basically, if you build up what's at stake, it will make the ending seem all the more relieving and wonderful and not as forced.

--
Overall, I think this is a well-written piece and I can't wait to see where you take it. Feel free to send me a PM if you have any questions.

~ Elinor

Hey there Retro! I'm going to be your reviewer for tooday. :3

Corrections and comments in red.

retrodisco666 wrote:"Daddy! Daddy, come here" Chloe said. She was dressed in her white winter coat and brown trousers, and ginger hair crawled out from beneath her grey hat. I think it flows better if you mesh it into one sentence. I walk down the garden, past the frozen flowers and frozen (Never use two words where one will do.) pond. When I got to her she had her hands clasped tightly over something. Mmmh. Something is an incredibly weak word, and it almost always kills the prose.
"What is it, baby girl?" I smiled. She looked up, eyes wide with excitement.
"I got one! I finally caught one!" She yelled, followed by laughter. Call me crazy, but the grammar in that sentence is off-kilter, I think. The followed by laughter part is strange. Try to reword it. A hard cough left her gentle frame, so I took her in my arms. Pulled her into my arms. At first, it was a fragment, so I edited it. But now, it's still redundant, and the repetition doesn't work well here. Revise.
"Look Daddy," She has put her hands up to my face and made a slight hole in her hands for me to see. A firefly dances inside her cupped (Without cupped, the image comes out oh-so-very wrong in my head.) hands, giving off a luminous green glow. "I finally caught her, Daddy," (Without the proper punctuation marks, it means that the little girl has caught someone's dad. oo") she said with excitement. You always add adjectives/adjectival phrases to dialogue tags. I think I know why. I'll expound on this later.
"Her?"
"Her name is . . . Daddy, she needs a pretty name,"
"Then why don't we call her Chloe,"I offered her (You don't always need to put dialogue tags. The reader can very well follow what's going on.. She sat ponderingthe thought. Pondering the thought is redundant.
"But I'm Chloe. . . she is Chloe two!" she smiled up at me. I am getting incredibly tired of the smiling thing. I held her closer in my arms; she was so delicate, so beautiful and so close to death it was unbearable. My little girl was dying and there was nothing I could do. Ha what? ._. That came out of nowhere. That should have provided so much more conflict that you have given us.
"Come on in you two or you'll catch the cold," my wife yelled from the top of the garden. ...Top of the garden? Do you mean the mezzanine leaning over the garden? oo Also, I think it might be more natural if he calls her by her name instead of "my wife". She leaned against the chipped white door frame in her old grey cardigan and her sweatpants (Okay, I might as well say it now. The reader doesn't really care if you don't mention what the characters are wearing. And it's odd that your MC mentions it out of nowhere, and doesn't even comment on it or anything.. Her dark brown hair was twirled up into a bun.
"Let her go ,Chlo." I whispered in her ear. She opened her hand and the dragonfly jumped out. and Within seconds, it was gone.
"Bye Chloe two," she yelled, (You used yelled a lot.) getting to her feet. She turned and looked at me stern faced, held that for a few seconds then burst into a giant smile. What? Why would she look at her dad like that? I smiled back. She ran up the garden towards her mother's warm embrace. You're going to have to clarify what the garden looks like, because right now this sounds incredibly strange and impossible. Lilly: (I thought her name was Chloe? Or is Lilly the wife? Please explain.) she was the candle in this darkness.

I began to walk up the garden Again, I don't know what you mean. Do you mean the garden has steps and he walked up the steps? Or is the garden planted on a sloping patch of land? as they went inside. The pain inside my chest was unbearable. The reader can't feel it. I still couldn't comprehend how neither of us were a match. We're her parents for Christ's sake. For christ sake, I had been saying that a lot lately. Awkward, off-topic, and throws the reader off. Best to delete that sentence. I had to blame someone. This works well, but segue into it better. Improve the flow.I walked into the house and shut the door behind me. Chloe was sat at the end of the dining table swinging her legs. I kind of took this to mean she sat on the edge of the table as opposed to on a chair at the end of the table. I sat opposite her, and she began pulling funny faces; I pulled them back of course. Lilly walked in carrying the bowl full of cranberry sauce to complement the turkey.
"Yuck! Cranberries . . .Can I have chocolate sauce instead?" Chloe asked. It was moments like that I was going to miss. Show the emotion, please. Lilly placed the bowl on the table and gave me a kiss. She smelled like cinnamon and her lips were so soft. Her phone blared into life; mistletoe and wine sung from the Blackberry. Is that a song? I'm not sure what you mean by mistletoe and wine sung from the blackberry.
"Hello," Her voice changes as she answers the phone. Chloe had started copying her every move. So Chloe is mocking her at the moment?
"Oh hello. You're working on Christmas day?!" Her voice was a mixture of confusion and shock. There's a looooot of fragments here.
"Oh right, Fair enough, I suppose a thank you for working is in order then," she laughed a little. Silence filled the air for a little while, until Lilly fell to her knees, the blackberry smashing on the floor. I can't really imagine this. It's too dramatic. Too sudden. Plus, I think smashing is too strong a word. Normally I chide people for using neutral words, but this time, that word is just too strong. I jumped straight to her side. Your MC seems incredibly calm here.
"What's the matter Lilly? What did they say?"
"They've . . They've" She started breathing heavily. I rubbed her back slowly, trying to soothe her. Try patted. I think it works better than rubbed.
"They've got lungs for Chloe. Andy, they've got a perfect match." ...Kind of flat. Plus, no emotion. She didn't even smile, cry, or whatever. Just said the news. I couldn't reply. My heart was pounding a thousand beats to the second. My head felt like it had been covered with a strange haze. My breathS became short and rapid. The structure of the sentence is repetitive, and although it's not bad here, I think you can do better. It doesn't really deliver as much of a punch as I think it could have. I thought I was on the verge of collapsing until Chloe spoke.
"What does that mean?" she asked with a serious, scared look on her face.
"It means." I stopped and stared at her. My beautiful little girl with long ginger hair, a beautiful Word repetition. smile. I thought of all she would be, of all that would happen to her, and I just smiled. "It means everything will be okay, Chlo."

She She here refers to Chlo, and to the speaker of the last bit of dialog. Careful with your antecedents.smiled and jumped down next to me. I took her in one arm and held Lilly in the other. Ah. So Chloe wasn't the one speaking. *goes back to edit the format* Everything was going to be okay. Nothing else mattered at that point. My little girl was going to be okay, my life was how it should be;perfectly normal. It had simply become the best christmas ever.

Final thoughts:

Please, please don't get offended, but I'll tell you this because you need to know it. Your grammar is all over the place. >< You're missing commas, dealing with run-ons and fragments, and the formatting is skewed. I caught a number and fixed what I could, but I'm fairly sure I missed a bunch.

Here are some articles that can help you:

Punctuation Marks, by Rosey Unicorn
Commas, by Mythic Writing
Punctuation Within Dialogue, by Demeter

Also, beware of fragments.

This is a fragment:

Annie walking away from the building.

This is how it should be:

Annie walked away from the building.

Alternatively, you could do this:

Annie, walking away from the building, clutched her baby to her chest.

Even if I put your grammar aside, though, I'm afraid I have to disagree with the first reviewer. This piece needs work.

First of all, first person is a very good choice for emotional pieces, but in here? It falls flat. It doesn't live up to expectations at all. I didn't feel anything. Not a smidge. This is first person, Retro. That means the reader ought to have free access to the main character's thoughts. We should feel his pain, his laughter, his relief. Problem with this piece is that I felt nothing. It was a bit monotonous and I almost gave up on reading it halfway through, to be honest. oo"

The first person POV is good because it's emotional, and it latches onto you and never lets go. Your aim here is to make us sympathize with the MC, so show us his thoughts. Show us why Chloe is so precious (and don't say she's his daughter - that won't make us, the readers, like her too). Show us what she means to him, okay? :3

I smelled the ending the minute they entered the dining room. This piece doesn't win points for originality, but do try to inject some freshness into the topic. It's overused and I've seen it done a million times before - this is a reason for you to do better. You're going to need to work doubly hard to make this piece click, because the idea has been done a million times before.

Where is the description? All I see area bunch of adjectival phrases. The phrases are weak and don't really add to the prose. They actually choke the prose, to be honest. You use them a lot because your dialogue is weak. We'll move on to that later, but for now, you're going to have to find more ways to describe the surroundings and such. Think of the reader as someone deprived of all five senses - you're going to have to guide them through everything. Also, a tip - instead of just blindly describing everything, have your MC comment or interact with whatever you happen to be describing. Have him offer opinions.

Your dialogue is flat. Very much so. It's not too stilted, but it sounds somewhat practiced. The scenes feel rehearsed. You might want to work on your flow. Observe the world around you, and listen while you do so. Take note of how people talk, of their body language, and especially to how things work out. The reactions here seem forced, and this is partly why the reader doesn't really feel much for the characters. I can practically see a director telling the characters exactly what they should do.

You should let the words flow from your fingertips, Retro. :3

Finally, your characters are flat. I can't feel anything for them. I can't even distinguish the mom from the dad. Of course, this is a short piece, so there's very little room for character development, but it's still possible. Little quirks help. You don't need big, life-changing moments to show your character's personality. You can show them through their reactions. Maybe have someone put her hands on her hips, or fold her arms across her chest. That'd be enough to give us a clue to her personality.

That's all I can say for now~ Don't take this as a definitive opinion, since most of it came from my brain, and it's a bit messy there. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me, all right? ^^

-Jae