The Army of The Rulers of the Earth-Prologue

""Well, this is either the bravest thing we've done… or the dumbest," said Felix. Both Sergio and Samuel nodded in agreement.

The three friends were inside a crumbling old fortress that the lookout had spotted not thirty minutes before. The trio was now gathered in one of the few rooms that were intact, the throne room.

With quite some difficulty, Samuel had managed to build a fire in the hearth, which the group were all huddled around, trying to repel sting of the brisk night air. The Elemental Wolves, whose muzzles were alternately freezing and incinerating their rashoned food, were eating alongside the griffons, while the Higers were either sharpening their claws (though they honestly couldn't be any sharper), or pacing back and forth anxiously, three-inch claws clacking on the stone.
“Then again, if this actually works, then we won't be called amateurs anymore." Sergio stated . Spirit the elemental wolf growled in agreement, and his rare gold colored fur bristled, making him seem much more menacing then usual.
“If we succed, remember." was Felix's calm reply. He was making more arrows from the wood he had brought along, and then used the owl beaks as arrow beads and the owl feathers for the back. After he had made as many as he could, he smiled and said,"I wonder what they'll think when they get shot by owls! Oh, the surprise on their faces!"
"Now that's an image I would buy any day!" said Sergio. He chuckled, and went back to petting spirit.
"I just wish that we could get this over with," said Samuel, who was currently in the act of coating his blades with the poison that Orion had given him.“I just can't get over the feeling that any moment there will be an arrow in my spine."

Felix then stood, and said, “We have travelled many leagues to get here, and now there is no turning back. We have traveled through thick and thin together. We have faced creatures that were once in our minds nothing but lore. We have traveled through the heat of the sun, the harsh of the snow, and the relentless beating of rain. We have faced times of peace, and times of war. Still, though, we are all here. As one. Together. We braved mountains, seas, and desert plains. And yet we are here, willing to fight what mAy be a fruitless battle with the army that rules the earth. So this is it. In the old abandoned fortress of the Emerald King, sitting in his own throne room, discussing what may very well be our last talk."

“But it can't be our last talk! Good will always win!" said Sergio.
“Right! If I'm murdered, it will be on the field of battle, not enjoying the comforts of home," agreed Samuel. He was now dipping his sword in the poison that Orion had given him.
“Then we go and fight," said Felix as they left the warm room and confronted the dark night, "The army of mud will not lay sleeping forever,” he spat. As their little army snuck out of The castle, Sergio whispered to Felix,
"How long did it take you to come up with that speech?"
"Around a hour or two. Why?"
Sergio grinned. "No reason. None at all."
Felix returned the grin as they exited the castle.

The mini-army looked down into the valley where the enemy camp lay quiet and still. Then with one last nod between friends, they crept soundlessly into the enemy camp. A nearly certain death.

Hey Bro!

"But then again, if this actually works,

you really shouldn't begin a sentance with the word "but" especially a paragraph. I say get rid of it and capitalise the word "then" making it the begining of the sentence.

With some difficulty, Samuel had built a blazing fire in the hearth

maybe change that to read, "Samuel and managed to build" the word "managed" adds on to the fact that it wasn't easy.

any more, and the people of Rronduras will respect the elemental wolfs once more!"

you could change the "once more to once again this way you are not repeating the word more so often, just a thought.

The scales of the lung-ripper don't exactly grow on trees."

this is an over used phrase, try to come up with something more creative and unique!
love u!
~Missy~

This piece has potential. You've got a good setup (survivors huddling in the ruins of their fortress, planning a last desperate assault against impossible odds), and the first line is good as well.

However, reading on, I kept being distracted from the story by a whole mess of little problems. I'll point out specific ones in due time, but here they are.
Grammar: There were a few misspelled words and grammar mistakes (especially in the dialogue). I'll go into that more later. But this is the age of spell check. Use it.
Confusing Made-Up Concepts: I counted nine made-up elements in just this short beginning. Introducing so many foreign words without offering at least some explanation in the beginning is an easy way to turn off readers. And you have to ask yourself, is it necessary that you include the word? Probably not.
No Characterization: The situation would be a prime opportunity to give insight into these characters' personalities by going into how they react toward this impending doom. They might as well be preparing to play a game of kickball for all the emotional reaction they seem to have.
Stilted Dialogue: Some of the stuff being said is stuff that no human being would ever say. It sounds forced and awkward, as if the characters know that they're in a story and are trying to make it sound epic. And failing.


Specific Beefs:

"Well, this is either the bravest thing we have done… or the dumbest."
Said Felix and both Sergio and Samuel nodded in agreement.

You've got the grammar wrong. The end of the spoken words should be a comma if there is a "said (name)" after it. Also, said should not be capitalized. Here's an article on dialogue punctuation

It had once been a magnificent sight built of pure black marble, with shining green emeralds studded into the walls. Now however, it lay to waste in broken stone littering the once green feilds after being attacked by the Army of the Rulers of the Earth.

Is it really important that the reader know what it looked like before it was destroyed? Not really. It's unnecessary to include it. Also, you spelled "fields" wrong.

The trio was now gathered in one of the few rooms that was intact, the common room.

In a big place like this fortress, there would probably be multiple "common rooms" for different people who lived and worked there, like the nobles, servants, masons, and soldiers. Which is it? Honestly, I'd change it to a different room, like the armory or (for comedic effect) the latrine.

The Elemental Wolfs and the Griffins were all eating, while the Higers were pacing back and forth anxiously. Spirit went over to Sergio and fell asleep at his feet.

The plural of "wolf" is "wolves", not "wolfs". But a bigger problem is the fact that I have no idea what these things are. Are the Higers supposed to be like Tigers? I know what griffins are, and have a vague idea of what the elemental wolves are, but you should fill in some gaps in the readers' minds. Here's an example of a good change.

"The Elemental Wolfs were eating with the griffins, their muzzles alternately freezing and incinerating their dwindling stores, while the Higers were pacing back and forth anxiously, six-inch claws clacking on the broken stones."

Don't spend too much time on it, but at least give the readers some idea of what these things are.

Also, you never mention what or who this "Spirit" is. You should.

"If we are on the winning team, then I can finally rest in peace instead of sharpening my blades in fear of a surprise attack on the Lorly Forest of Whispers. The scales of the lung-ripper don't exactly grow on trees."

This is what I was talking about stilted dialogue. Humans don't talk like this. Try saying it out loud. It sounds awkward. Try to make it more natural. Also, what's the significance of the "lung-ripper" comment? It doesn't make much sense.

“If there is any reason that I hope our side triumphs, then it is so that I will get revenge for the fate that this cursed tribe has brought upon my brother.

All three of them (should) know the backstory. Why is Felix repeating it? I understand that the reader wouldn't know, but these "As you know, Bob" conversations are still big no-no's.

They looked down into the valley where the enemy camp lay quiet and still. Then with one last nod between friends, the sound of unsheathing swords, the flapping of Griffins wings, and howls and roars of about five hundred Wolfs and Higers filled the crisp night air, as the three friends charged into a nearly certain death.

These guys are (presumably) severely outnumbered and making a last desperate attack on the enemy. Why are they making so much noise? They should be "sneaking toward their near-certain death", not charging at it with sword held high.

This piece really could be cool, but right now it's suffering from all these little scars and deformities. Work on the dialogue and characterization some, and it could be a real winner.

Hey dude

This piece is really enjoyable I like the whole plotline and the way it ends at the end, it would really make you want to read on so I can't wait to read chapter 1.

It has a lot of potential to develop into a really good story but one thing that I would advise on is descriptions of the characters
One of the main things that makes a story enjoyable is the characters, you got to engage your readers and make them feel like they're the main character or something of that sort. I couldn't see the three friends, they were just like the piece of writing, completely blended into the background, so you have to describe them more.
Apart from that I really like this Keep writing

I can't see any problems except maybe just profread and make sure you explained everything so the reader knows what your talking about!:)I like it alot!

First of all, I wish to appologize for any spelling mistakes. I will run it through a spell check as soon as I am avalible to do so. Second, this prologue is actually a part during the end of the book, so the charictors (creatures and all) will be described more. I still have the original, edited, and re-edited versions. And I will post chapter one soon.
Thank you all for your posts! They have helped make my story better!
Felix Windbow.

Hi! I really, liked it. Fantasy is my favorite, writing and reading. I understand about the whole spelling thing, I'm horrible at it, so I don't thing I'm qualified to critique you on that, grammer too. The story is well written, and I want to know more. The people, the country, the quest, but I'm sure you were already going to do that. Kepp writing!

Hi, Felix! I'm here as I said I would. This story... I like it, I love how you write is cool and easy to understand. I would like to see more from you! *thumbs up*

"Well, this is either the bravest thing we've done… or the dumbest,"
said Felix, and both Sergio and Samuel nodded in agreement.

I believe there should be a comma. I love the names, by the way.

“Right! If I'm murdered, it will be on the field of battle, not enjoying the comforts of home." agreed Samuel.

I think that period should be a comma.

Baii

Thank you! Those are the names of my two best friends. I am trying to make their personality as I might envision theirs just by looking at them. So far, so good.
Felix Windbow

SORRY THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF TO SAY IS,
"GOOD WILL ALWAYS WIN"
IS SO FUNNY!!!!!
(bear in mind that i am an evil twin as well as slightly insane, i laugh over the weirdest things)
So, anyway, good job dude.
Rite On.

Heya!

Alrighty then, shall we jump to the review?

Paragraphs:

I will not put anything in quotations here, for if I explain correctly, you will know what I mean. Okay, when one character starts to speak, it is a new paragraph. Always. It reduces the amount of confusion and it is just easier to read. And it's the proper way.

Example:

Harry reined in his mare beside me, a white flash behind his bearded face telling me he was smiling. "Well lass, any sign of the fool?"
I shook my head and scratched my gelding's neck. "No, not yet. But we'll find him Harry. I know we will."

See? Two different paragraphs for two character's speeches.

Description:

You need a little more description in this. It may be just a prologue, but it deserves as much attention as the rest of your story. And people have a tendency to cut down prologues. So, spice it up a bit. Describe the animals. Give your characters actions instead of letting them become talking heads . Give detail to the room your characters are in. It will add life to your prologue and your story.

Story:

I'm not sure exactly what is going on. The prologue is meant to be an earlier story that has ties to the main. It creates a setting and a background for the main story. Your prologue has the plain basics. But it needs a tad more life and you can do that.

Overall:

Intriguing. But it needs work, but most first drafts do. Just try breathing a little more life into it, release more of that writer in you and your story will flourish.

If you have any questions or you post the next part up, PM me! I'll gladly hop to review it or answer your questions.

Toodles!

Meadow

Heya!

Alrighty then, shall we jump to the review?

Paragraphs:

I will not put anything in quotations here, for if I explain correctly, you will know what I mean. Okay, when one character starts to speak, it is a new paragraph. Always. It reduces the amount of confusion and it is just easier to read. And it's the proper way.

Example:

Harry reined in his mare beside me, a white flash behind his bearded face telling me he was smiling. "Well lass, any sign of the fool?"
I shook my head and scratched my gelding's neck. "No, not yet. But we'll find him Harry. I know we will."

See? Two different paragraphs for two character's speeches.

Description:

You need a little more description in this. It may be just a prologue, but it deserves as much attention as the rest of your story. And people have a tendency to cut down prologues. So, spice it up a bit. Describe the animals. Give your characters actions instead of letting them become talking heads . Give detail to the room your characters are in. It will add life to your prologue and your story.

Story:

I'm not sure exactly what is going on. The prologue is meant to be an earlier story that has ties to the main. It creates a setting and a background for the main story. Your prologue has the plain basics. But it needs a tad more life and you can do that.

Overall:

Intriguing. But it needs work, but most first drafts do. Just try breathing a little more life into it, release more of that writer in you and your story will flourish.

If you have any questions or you post the next part up, PM me! I'll gladly hop to review it or answer your questions

Hey there MeadowLark!
The reason this is so confusing is because this is actually a later part of the book put into the beginning, if that helps any.
but thankyou for the review anyways! I will make the edited version just now, so review again if there is still somethings that I did wrong.
I will keep trying to write more!
Felix Windbow

Hiya! I'm Rachael! :)
I like the idea of this story so far. It drew in my attention since this is the type of thing that I enjoy reading. I'm going to go ahead and assume that this is a rough draft (like most novels on YWS) and point out a few things that I suggest you go and look back on. You don't give enough details here, in my opinion. I would like to know a bit more of what the characters look like, what the creatures look like, and more on what the fortress looks like. I also would like more emotion from the characters. Are they terrified that they're completely outnumbered and are-most likely-about to die? Are they sad that they'll never be able to see their family/friends ever again? You have a really good opportunity to show us who your characters really are here. Believe it or not, when people are about to die (or so they think), they're not afraid to be themselves or be emotional. :)

Spoiler

By the way, I'm sorry, that last sentence sounded very patronizing, but I can't really think of a better way to say it. That's not how I meant for it to sound.

Also, including the names of the creatures was a bit confusing since the readers really don't know anything about them. This unsettles readers. Therefore, I would suggest, at least, adding a bit more detail as to what the creatures look like and how they behave. This way, we won't feel so out-of-the-loop and confused. One of the things in your story that is really nagging me is the dialogue. Now, I'm very picky about dialogue so I'm going to be brutally honest here. Your dialogue feels very...awkward for lack of a better term. It doesn't feel real; it feels forced. If you're really having trouble in this area, then why not just listen to the way people speak. Listen to a friend's conversation with another friend (no matter how awkward that seems, just standing there and analyzing their dialogue will help a ton. Trust me, I've been there.:)) Or, turn on the TV and listen to a conversation between two characters in a show (be picky about which show; don't choose Jersey Shore or something.;))

Also, I noticed your username has "Felix" in it, which is also the name of one of your MCs (wow. I've resorted to telling you your own character's name) and I noticed how you mentioned that your two best friends names are Sergio and Samuel-the same as your other MCs. Be careful on this. This could lead to a Mary Sue (google, if needed), which isn't a good thing at all. No matter how tempting this might be (trust me, I know), don't become a victim of Mary Sue.

This is a really good story so far. I look forward to reviewing the next chapters. Keep this coming because I'll definitely be reading it! :) I apologize that this review is mostly negative comments and corrections, but I'm so tired at the moment (I just had to review this before going to bed, though) that I'm only focused on helping you improve. I really do like this story, so please keep writing it. :)

PM me with questions,
Rachael