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Last edited by Eniarrol on Thu Jan 27, 2011 9:06 am, edited 5 times in total.
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


~Previously SweetMoments




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Hello there. :)
So, an interesting plot. However, your punctuation is lacking in some areas.
An eerie whisper echos down the hallway #FF0000 ">,"If you ever tell anyone what you saw, I'll kill you."

My heart leaps into my throat at the words Who was in my house? #FF0000 ">(huh? I don't even understand what you were going for here.)

It#FF0000 ">'s #FF0000 ">abandened, no one is there.

Shakily laughing I notice it#FF0000 ">'s the parrot#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">(start new sentence)then a thought feels me with dread#FF0000 ">. Who did the parrot hear saying this?.

I walk back to bed but I cannot sleep#FF0000 ">, for every time I come close to rest, I am tortured by images of bloody murders#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">By terrified faces that scream for my help #FF0000 ">but I can't help them#FF0000 ">. I am asleep, I am not responsible.#FF0000 ">(Try a different approach with this sentence.


I hope I helped a little. Keep writing
The best is what you make it!

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Hi there! I see you're sortof new, so welcome! I'm glad to see you posting already.

Anyway, I like this prompt--there are so many things that could happen! And you see, I think that's your problem--all you've really done (so far) is flesh out the prompt, and imagine it happening. This is a good starting point, but where is the story?

I'd start by developing your character. Who is he/she? Why did she get a parrot? Why is she all alone? What did the parrot see? This will affect what happens in the story. Did the parrot come with the house? Is there a murderer still there? Or is the bird old, and talking about an unsolved mystery? Or did some wacko just decide to teach it that phrase? You're the writer--you can come up with something unique. :D

So, then, have something happen! We already know that the parrot says that. What we need is conflict--the Main Character (MC) needs to have some obstacle. See what I'm getting at?

Anyway, I really do like this--your writing is very good! So I think that, with a little work, this could be a really cool piece.

Hope I helped, and let me know if you ever need anything!

Lupis




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Thanks for the tips i'll try to add on and edit it soon :)
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


~Previously SweetMoments




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I liked it. Nice short and easy to read. I myself do writing prompts too, and find them awfully addicting though the nonsense I sometimes write scares me. Oh dear, went off on a tangent. Now here is your review.

I bet usually you don't write your whole story in one parapgraph? Am I correct? Well in this case, you shouldn't have either. Even though it is short, you really should break it into paragraphs, that way, it will look more proper. And you really should follow the rules of dialogue placement and how you need to start a new paragraph anytime a different person speaks. Yes, I know it is a parrot that does the talking. That parrot is still a person. Yah, it doesn't really matter in this case, but I just think it would look better. I will show you how I would break your piece into paragraphs.
Spoiler
An eerie whisper echos down the hallway.

"If you ever tell anyone what you saw, I'll kill you."

It crawled along the walls flitting through the house until it reached my ears. My heart leaps into my throat at the words Who was in my house? Quietly I creep out of bed careful not to make a sound as I begin into the dark. I reach the living room.

Its abandened, no one is there. There is a flutter above my head and I turn towards the bird cage as I hear the sentance again, louder this time. Shakily laughing I notice its the parrot then a thought feels me with dread. Who did the parrot hear saying this?

I walk back to bed but I cannot sleep for every time I come close to rest, I am tortured by images of bloody murders, terrified faces that scream for my help I can't help them, I am asleep, I am not responsible.


Yah, there was some grammar and punctuation errors also, but if you just read through it a couple times, you will pick them all up. If you are unsure about any, just PM me.

The second thing I want you to work on, is this. Elaborate.
Shakily laughing I notice its the parrot then a thought feels me with dread Who did the parrot hear saying this?.

This is all fine and dandy, but then you do this;
I walk back to bed but I cannot sleep for every time I come close to rest, I am tortured by images of bloody murders, terrified faces that scream for my help I can't help them, I am asleep, I am not responsible.

You move on right away. Through your whole little paragraph of a story, you would say something and then move on quickly, not allowing anything to really set in. You need to take advantage of the mysterious feeling and the alarm that comes from the situation. Don't just tell the thought of wondering where the parrot heard this, explain some random theories and ideas. Make the MC look back on it and the guy he bought it from. Make him wonder if he should call the police. Don't just make him walk right away back to his room to sleep. It is quite alarming. This bird was evidence to a crime. Wouldn't you worry that you might possibly be framed for something of some sort?

Another thing I noticed was that you started the story in present tense and every once and a while, you jumped to past tense. You just have to watch it. If you need help with that, just PM me.

You should also put apostrophes around the thought dialogue. Just to make it even more clear. Randomly stating.

Last thing, I have to say is that just have fun with it. Run off on a tangent with things, be creative, create something new! Thats the whole fun of writing! You don't have to follow the boundaries always, go outside them and make something people have never seen before. You could have made your character launch into an epic adventure that turns into a murder mystery which then turns into some bizarre fantasy conspiracy and there is a man threatening to blow up the world. Anything passes. Loosen up a bit.

If you have any questions, just PM me.
~Incognito
'Everyone is entitled to be stupid, some just abuse the priviledge.'




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Alright, well first off the changes in tense.

Also you have good sentence structure, but then for example the last line you jump to a whole new subject in a way. First off you should of started a new paragraph at that point i believe. You can still explain what you are saying in the end when you continue your story, but since we only had this part to read it seems sudden and the dots do not seem to connect.

It is a good beginning, however i think you need to put more in to it. I can not wait to read more.



He began to wonder why he had felt uneasy at all. It was like a man wondering in broad daylight why a dream had appeared so terrible to him at night.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart