All Over (YWS Lit Journal 2011) (Draft One (Obviously)

Okay, the specific things I need help with here are my tenses, spelling/grammar (I totally wrote this on my bus) and your honest opinions. I enjoyed writing it. ENjoy reading it!





You should regret it. Out of everyone on earth, you should be the one feeling bad. After all, it was your idea.

"Hey," you said, "I have a new game for us." When I stared you in confusion, you just laughed. I guess this is sort of my fault, too. I should have asked what the game was. You wouldn't have answered, though. You were just annoying like that.

Your idea of 'a game' was stealing. Stealing cars. What type of dumb game is that?

Obviously, we got caught. We were sitting next to each other in the police station. A cop was questioning you, and you're lying.

"Have you ever seen this Bentley?" he asked, showing you a picture of the gorgeous black Bentley you tried to heist. You look at it and casually shrug.

"Nah." You said, with a little bit of sass. "Really?" the cop asked you again. You nodded firmly.

"I’m sure," you said with too much audacity. I wanted to yell at you. I wanted to grab you by the shoulders and shake you. We were in the police station. Now was not the time to be rude. You raised your eyebrows daring the cop to ask you more questions. He decided to give up on you and turn to me. I had never hated you as much as I did then.

I stared at the cop as he showed me the picture. Yes, I had seen it. My hands started to sweat, and I pushed a lock of my dull blonde hair into my mouth as I wiped my hands on my dark jeans.

"Yes." I said, "this is the car he wanted me to steal." I could feel you grab my wrist, holding it tighter then you ever have. The cop stared at me, measuring me up with warm brown eyes.

I yanked my arm away and turned towards you.

"Don't, Mel," you said, with an annoying smirk on your face. I slapped you as hard as I could, and my temper was gone.

"No." I said, "no. This was your idea, okay? You were the one who suggested we do this. The one time I say maybe we shouldn't do something, you pull me along." my voice rose with my anger. You stared at me, your blue eyes like ice.

"Wrong, Mel." You said, "you never said anything." I wanted to throttle you. There was nothing I wanted more in that moment then your head on a silver plate.

The cop looked between the two of us. He raised his eyebrows, a certain amusement on his face.

"Are you confessing?" he asked. I looked at you, then back at the officer. Your eyes told me not to do it. Your eyes were begging me. A cell phone went off-not mine, not yours. The cop stood up, pulling his phone from his pocket.

"Excuse me,” he muttered, leaving us alone in the room.

As soon as the door shut, you turned to me.

"Mel, please," you whispered, "that wasn't the car. That was a totally different car." the only reason why I knew you weren't lying was the way your eyes, "Mel, you know I'll be arrested if you confess. You, you'll be let off with a warning. But they'll arrest me. Is that what you want, babe?" the cop entered the room again before I could answer. I had already made up my mind. The cop looked at me again.

"Are you ready to confess?" He asked me. All if a sudden, everything seemed amplified. The ticking of the clock, you nervously tapping your foot. Very slowly, very slowly, I nodded.

"Yes." I said, " that's it. That's the car."

Hi, Wicked!

So, I don't think I've ever read or critiqued a piece of yours before, so here we go! This was interesting, and I really like the idea of it a lot. Bravo on your part for using second person -- it's definitely a tough voice to try and tackle. In such a short piece, I like how you were able to build up tension and show the relations between the characters. However, I do think that we could be seeing a lot more from this piece.

For starters, the ending carries little payoff for the buildup of tension we've seen as the piece has progressed. Will Mel or won't Mel, we wonder. Then, when we see what decision she makes, we don't get to see how the other main character reacts to her. How will they feel? Obviously, their relationship will never be the same -- expand upon that. I like how it's been cut off cold, but it just leaves too many questions unanswered. In addition, you seem to be writing this story as though it has happened in the past. Use that to your advantage; you can still end at the same location, but add a bit onto it. At minimum, you can allude to how their relationship would change, but leave the specific details for the reader to decide upon.

Another thing that I would like to see is more character development from Mel. By the way, are they a girl or a boy? To me, they seem like a girl, but Mel isn't something you would normally name a girl. Is it short for Melanie, perhaps? So, if you could elaborate on that, that would be awesome. Anyway, I can tell you were aiming for this to be very emotional and gripping, and right now, I'm not really getting that. One way this could change is if you show more of Mel's conflicting feelings. She has obviously had a strong friendship with the subject of the piece, but knows she has made a big mistake and wants to change it. What drove her to make the decision to help the other MC steal the cars in the first place? Was it her friendship with this person? When and why did she realize it was a mistake? As she is confessing to the police officer, are her arms and legs shaking? Is her throat tight?

Overall, I think this is a good piece that could use some more development. Hope this helps, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need anything further cleared up.

-Elinor x

Hello!

I like this--it's short, and punchy, and the writing's good. Just a few things.

You mentioned tenses. Second person is hard to pull off well, especially in past tense--so kudos. I thought you did it well. There weren't many problems, but there were a couple places where you switched to present tense.... hm, let me find one. Ah, here:

A cop was questioning you, and you're lying.

Was=past tense. You're=you are = present. Watch out for this.

I actually don't agree with Elinor--I like the ending, and I like the understated conflict. Too often internal conflicts like that get corny and forced when they're all stated. You could add a bit more body language indicators to tell us what she's feeling, but overall I like the way you have it.

The beginning is the only part I didn't like.

You should regret it. Out of everyone on earth, you should be the one feeling bad. After all, it was your idea.

"Hey," you said, "I have a new game for us." When I stared you in confusion, you just laughed. I guess this is sort of my fault, too. I should have asked what the game was. You wouldn't have answered, though. You were just annoying like that.

I like how this develops the voice. I don't like how it opens the story. A lot of the strength of this piece is in the immediacy of her decision--we start to feel stressed when she does. Obviously, we need to know what they were doing and that it was his idea, but the whole paragraph describing it doesn't really seem necessary. For example, maybe have the words echoing in her brain AFTER you've established that she's in jail? Just an idea.

Also, this:

I slapped you as hard as I could, and my temper was gone.

What? She slapped him and she's not angry anymore? Obviously that's not true--in the next sentence she's yelling at him. And is the cop just sitting there, letting them beat eachother up? I'd like a tiny bit of description of the surroundings as well--your lack of it is actually good, but it's making the actions a bit confusing.


And that's it! I really did like this piece, and I hope I helped. Good luck with the journal.


Lupis

When I stared you in confusion, you just laughed.

This should say, "When I stared at you in confusion..."

You look at it and casually shrug.

Look should be looked.

"Nah." You said, with a little bit of sass. "Really?" the cop asked you again. You nodded firmly.

This should be split into three paragraphs after sass and again.

You raised your eyebrows daring the cop to ask you more questions.

There should be a comma after eyebrows.

He decided to give up on you and turn to me.

Turn should be turned.

I could feel you grab my wrist, holding it tighter then you ever have.

This is just a suggestion, but you may want to say, "tighter then you ever have before."

I yanked my arm away and turned towards you.

There doesn't need to be a s on toward.

The one time I say maybe we shouldn't do something, you pull me along."

Pull should be pulled.

the cop entered the room again before I could answer.

The should be capitalized.

I had already made up my mind. The cop looked at me again.

All if a sudden, everything seemed amplified.

If should be of.

This is a good story, and other than a few punctuation mistakes and changing tenses, there aren't any problems.

Hey WW, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

When I stared you in confusion,

at you.

A cop was questioning you, and you're lying.

you were.

"Nah." You said, with a little bit of sass.

my voice rose with my anger.

Capital M.

Alright...

II. OVERALL

I think there needs to be more emotion in it, more than anything. Put in tonnes of it. You do a great job of describing its physical effects, but give us reasons why she's feeling them. Why is she scared and ultimately, why does she confess. It's a character-driven piece, so make us care about your character more.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x