Hazel- chapter 2

Hazel walked around her tower home, not sure what to do or were to go. She had everything she had ever wanted, but it was boring. She had mastered the flute years ago, along with the pianoforte and her mandolin. Her throat ached from singing and her fingers pricked from embroidery. The paints magically refreshed, but always in the same colors, and Hazel was tired of painting the same tower rooms and view. She loved to dance, but her invisible servants were horrible dance partners and they never made idle talk as the men did in her books. Hazel walked into her library, filled with only her favorite books. She circled around the room looking for something to read when she came across a wrinkled, yellow parchment.
“This wasn't here before," she thought, and unrolled the stiff paper.
Wanted
Lady Aurialla of Gilmore
For lying to the King and Queen of Paxtan
And promising to release the crown princess Rapunzel
When she came upon her fourteenth year for marriage to Byren
And refusing to let her leave with him
"That name" Hazel thought. She had never come across it, and yet, it was hauntingly familiar. And Aurialla? It had to be a different one. All those names Hazel was sure she had never heard. Paxtan, Rapunzel, Byren, how could she remember people she had never met before? Forcing herself to not think of it, Hazel picked up a book and read of heroines spinning on the ballroom floor, and their masked suitors pulling them close. Hazel asked herself the same question she had always had. "I'm a princess, why don't I have this, and why did Aurialla take me away from it?" Hazel smiled as she remembered the days before her twelfth birthday, when Aurialla let her roam the palace freely. She would dance with the sons of Aurialla's elegant friends, and they were much better partners than the servants. She sighed. They were also her friends, and she missed them. Hazel yearned for freedom. She wanted to get out of this tower, she wanted to eat when she was hungry, and not when Aurialla sent up the basket. She wanted to run around without the heavy braid weighing her down all the time and she wanted to talk to people. She wanted to fall in love like the people in her stories.
Hazel lounged, feet up, on her crimson velvet couch. She read books, trying to loose herself in the sea of fantasies. Sonya curled her gray, slender body around Hazel's legs, and licked her bare feet. Hazel absently patted her head, ignoring her soft meows. The door opened, and Aurialla walked in, Sonya hissed and ran away. Aurialla laughed and said in her musical voice
“Silly cat, it’s so protective of you my dear, it didn't recognize me."
Hazel rushed to Aurialla and embraced her.
“Auntie, I've missed you, why haven’t you visited me?" she cried out, feeling like a child but not caring.
"I'm sorry, dear, but I've been very busy, but I brought you someone."
With a quizzical look on her face, Hazel peered out of her library and faced a little girl. She wasn't more than twelve or thirteen, the same age Hazel had been when she was sent to live in the tower. Her brown hair fell in chin length curls, and her eyes were as blue as the ocean, or at least the ocean pictures in her books.
"This is Adalyn, she will keep you company here in the tower." Aurialla gestured to the little girl, who looked uncomfortable and nervous. Hazel looked at her in awe. She hadn't seen another girl since she was brought up here, especially not one like her, with her short hair and drab brown dress. Aurialla smiled and left, leaving Hazel alone with the mysterious young girl. She walked over tentatively, not sure what to make of this. For every step Hazel took forward, Adalyn took one step back.
"Adalyn, I'm Hazel."
Adayln laughed, but it seemed to be more out of fear than amusement. "No, your not," she responded, backing away further.
Hazel's mind automatically jumped to the wanted poster. "What do you mean?" she asked, scared of the answer.
Adalyn shook her head violently, her short curls flying around her face, "I can't, Aurialla told me not too."
She looked genuinely scared, so Hazel changed the subject.
"Where are you from?" she asked, trying to help the girl out of her shell.
"Paxtan, I’m the pri-, I’m just a peasant," her pale face turned red, and she looked around, as if she was scared someone was listening.
"I was a peasant too, but Aurialla promised I'm a princess here, so I guess you are too." Hazel smiled.
Adalyn laughed, "I wish I could tell you the truth, but it's not allowed"
"What a strange girl," Thought Hazel, and she once again changed the subject. "Do you have a bed?" She asked
Adalyn shook her head, "Aurialla said you would have one for me."
Hazel almost groaned. Did Aurialla expect her to give up her bed? "Well, if you want to, you can sleep on my-" She started
"Can I sleep on that?" Adalyn asked, pointing to the red couch.
Relieved, Hazel laughed, "Of course you can, now lets go get you cleaned up."

Hello there I'm Truth and I'll be your reviewer for the evening.

First off with the nitpicks...

She walked around aimlessly circled the room, looking for something to read when she came across a wrinkled, yellow parchment.

Here, it's not very aimless if she is searching for a book. I've rephrased it a little bit.

“This wasn't here before, comma" she thought, and unrolled the stiff paper.

"That name" Hazel thought. It couldn't be hers she had never come across, and yet, it was hauntingly familiar.

It couldn't be her name, hers is Hazel, and also, a name could be familiar without being yours.

There was no picture, and Hazel was almost happy. What would she do if she found out that her beloved aunt has kidnapped her?

Alright, she has never heard of the name but she knows it might be her they are talking about? If it's her instincts, then maybe a bit of clarification is needed because it seems like the narrator and herself know all of the story already.

She wanted to run around without the heavy braid weighing her down all the time and she wanted to talk to people. She wanted to fall in love like the people in her stories.
New paragraph
Hazel lounged, feet up, on her crimson velvet couch. She read books, trying to loose herself in the sea of fantasies her stories had. Sonya curled her gray, slender body around Hazel's legs, and licked her bare feet. Hazel absently patted her head, ignoring her soft meows. The door opened, and Aurialla walked in., and Sonya hissed and ran away. Aurialla laughed and said in her musical voice

She hadn't seen another girl since she was brought up here, especially not one like her, with her short hair and drab brown dress.

I think that's what you meant?

"No, your not, comma" she responded, backing away further.
Hazel's mind automatically jumped to the wanted poster. "What do you mean?" she asked, scared of the answer.

Adalyn shook her head violently, her short curls flying around her face, comma "I can't, Aurialla told me not too."

She looked genuinely scared, so Hazel changed the subject. "Where are you from?" she asked, trying to help the girl out of her shell.

"Paxtan, I’m the pri-, I’m just a peasant, comma" her pale face turned red, and she looked around, as if she was scared someone was listening.

"I was a peasant too, but Aurialla promised I was a princess here, so I guess you are too, comma" Hazel smiled.

Adalyn laughed, comma "I wish I could tell you the truth, but it's not allowed"

"What a strange girl, comma" since the thoughts and dialogue are in the same format, you might want to put the thoughts in italic just to make sure we don't get mixed up. Thought Hazel, and she once again changed the subject. "Do you have a bed?" She asked.

Adalyn shook her head, comma "Aurialla said you would have one for me."

Hazel almost groaned. Did Aurialla expect her to give up her bed? "Well, if you want to, you can sleep on my-" She started.

"Can I sleep on that?" Adalyn asked, pointing to the red couch.

Relieved, Hazel laughed, comma "Of course you can, now lets go get you cleaned up."

Overall, I think this is a great idea, to remake a classic story, that is. It's well written but you need to keep away from the story and explain it to us like we never heard it before, in your way. The plot is getting along great, just be sure to give out information only at the right time, little by little. It's great! Keep writing!

-Truth-

Hey Sweetie!
First I should say that I really loved this chapter, it is, in a way, beginning a new adventure for Hazel although right now she doesn't know it. Secondly I am in agreement with Truth with what can/should be changed.
Finally something for your next chapter...
Hazel is an interesting person and while we know what she looks like and what some of her hobbies are, it would be nice if we got to know a bit more about her, her attitude and the way she thinks. Also maybe you can supply more detail on her hobbies so we can get to know a bit more about her in that way and connect with her earlier on in the story.
With regards to Aunt Aurialla, it would also be nice to know a bit more about her as she is likely to be one of the main people in the story.
I like it that you added another girl, Adalyn. I think it will be interesting to see who she turns out to be...one thing I will say about her is that I think that if Hazel is the princess and now Adalyn is also a princess, probably from the same parents as Hazel, then why did the King and Queen let Adalyn,their second daughter go too when Lady Aurialla didn't keep her promise with their first daughter? Or if they let her go when she was just a baby, like they did to Hazel then how come she knows so much about Hazel already while Hazel wasn't told anything about her past?
All in all it was a great chapter and i can't wait to read the next one!
~Missy~

Ok, the story was good just a few minor errors like spelling errors, but I'm sure if you go over it again you'll figure them out. The bit about her finding the poster is a little iffy. She was how many days old and yet she still remebers those names? I think if there was a little more insight to what Hazel is thinking would be good for clarification there. When the new girl comes in it's kind of sudden. Like, WHABAM! And she is definatley wierd! The way she keeps letting slip little bits of what she's not supposed to say, it's more like she's doing it on purpose then on accident. You need to either match her personality to what she's saying like make her really talkative. You can do feelings so maybe she's really scared and that's why. Or you can just switch what she saying to fit her personality because she seems really shy. And I hope you'll put a passage about what Aurielia's doing or thinking afterwards so that as the reader you have a little insight also some insight into the thoughts of the new girl would be good too I think. Remember, it doesn't have to be all about Hazel when your writing in third person, you can delve into some of the other characters.
Ok, that's it for now. HAPPY WRITING AND HAPPY THANKS GIVING! (I cannot wait for christmas to give you your present it's going to be AWESOME! You're going to love it!) (evil smiley face) (mwahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaaaaaaaaaaa!!) lol!

Truth- Thanks, I ran it through word, but that doesn't fix everything. "There was no picture, and Hazel was almost happy. What would she do if she found out that her beloved aunt has kidnapped her?" This wa acctually refering to Aurialla's picture, I should of clarified that, but it's gone now, so it doesn't matter. I'll try to personalize it as much as possible, and I'll try not to rush.
Angel- Thanks for the Idea, but I'm going to focus on Adalyn, so Rose isn't confused, but I'll keep that in mind for chpt.4
Rose-I'll experiment with the poster part, and tune in on the next chapter for more about Adalyn

Hiya Sakura! 'Kay, grammar and spelling are in red, word choice is purple, my comments are in blue!

Sakuragirl1 wrote:Hazel walked around her tower home, not sure what to do or were to go. She had everything she had ever wanted, but it was boring. She had mastered the flute years ago, along with the pianoforte and herI would stick to 'the' instead of 'her' mandolin. Her throat ached from singing and her fingers pricked from embroidery. The paints magically refreshed, but always in the same colors this is just me, but what colors? , and Hazel was tired of painting the same tower rooms and view. She loved to dance, but her invisible servants were horrible dance partners and they never made idle talk as the men did in her books. Hazel walked into her library, filled with only her favorite books. She circled around the room looking for something to read when she came across a wrinkled, yellow parchment. This wasn't here beforeput these in italics. its a thought, not a voiced statement, she thought, and unrolled the stiff paper.
Wanted:
Lady Aurialla of Gilmore
For lying to the King and Queen of Paxtan
And promising to release the crown princess Rapunzel
When she came upon her fourteenth year for marriage to Byren
And refusing to let her leave with him
"That name" Hazel thought. She had never come across it, and yet, it was hauntingly familiar. And Aurialla? It had to be a different one. All those names Hazel was sure she had never heard. Paxtan, Rapunzel, Byren, how could she remember people she had never met before? This sentence didn't make much sense to me. If she's never heard of them, how can she remember them. I would fix this unless someone else says it makes sense to them. Then its just me.
New paragraph, but its up to you.Forcing herself to not think of it, Hazel picked up a book and read of heroines spinning on the ballroom floor, and their masked suitors pulling them close. Hazel asked herself the same question she had always had. "I'm a princess, why don't I have this, and why did Aurialla take me away from it?"
I would put this in a new paragraph, but its up to you.Hazel smiled as she remembered the days before her twelfth birthday, when Aurialla let her roam the palace freely. She would dance with the sons of Aurialla's elegant friends, and they were much better partners than the servants. She sighed. They were also her friends, and she missed them. Hazel yearned for freedom. She wanted to get out of this tower, she wanted to eat when she was hungry, and not when Aurialla sent up the basket. She wanted to run around without the heavy braid weighing her down all the time and she wanted to talk to people. She wanted to fall in love like the people in the stories.
Hazel lounged, feet up, on her crimson velvet couch. She read books, trying to loose herself in the sea of fantasies. Sonya curled her gray, slender body around Hazel's legs, and licked her bare feet. Hazel absently patted her head, ignoring her soft meows. The door opened, and Aurialla walked in, Sonya hissed and ran away. Aurialla laughed and said in her musical voice
“Silly cat. it’s so protective of you my dear, it didn't recognize me.I would take this sentence out."
Hazel rushed to Aurialla and embraced her.
“Auntie, I've missed you! why haven’t you visited me?" she cried out, feeling like a child, but not caring.
"I'm sorry, dear, but I've been very busy, but I brought you someone."
With a quizzical look on her face, Hazel peered out of her library and faced a little girl. She wasn't more than twelve or thirteen, the same age Hazel had been when she was sent to live in the tower. Her brown hair fell in chin length curls, and her eyes were as blue as the ocean, or at least the ocean pictures in her books.
"This is Adalyn, she will keep you company here in the tower." Aurialla gestured to the little girl, who looked uncomfortable and nervous.
New paragraph.Hazel looked at her in awe. She hadn't seen another girl since she was brought up here, especially not one like her, with her short hair and drab brown dress. Aurialla smiled and left, leaving Hazel alone with the mysterious young girl. She walked over tentatively, not sure what to make of this. For every step Hazel took forward, Adalyn took one step back.
"Adalyn, I'm Hazel."
Adayln laughed, but it seemed to be more out of fear than amusement. "No, you're not," she responded, backing away further.
Hazel's mind automatically jumped to the wanted poster. "What do you mean?" she asked, scared of the answer.
Adalyn shook her head violently, her short curls flying around her face, "I can't, Aurialla told me not too."
She looked genuinely scared, so Hazel changed the subject.
"Where are you from?" she asked, trying to help the girl out of her shell.
"Paxtan, I’m the pri-, I’m just a peasant," her pale face turned red, and she looked around, as if she was scared someone was listening.
"I was a peasant too, but Aurialla promised I'm a princess here, so I guess you are too." Hazel smiled.
Adalyn laughed, "I wish I could tell you the truth, but it's not allowed"
What a strange girl, thought Hazel, and she once again changed the subject. "Do you have a bed?" she asked
Adalyn shook her head, "Aurialla said you would have one for me."
Hazel almost groaned. Did Aurialla expect her to give up her bed? "Well, if you want to, you can sleep on my-" She started
"Can I sleep on that?" Adalyn asked, pointing to the red couch.
Relieved, Hazel laughed, "Of course you can. Now lets go get you cleaned up."

Grammar and Word Choice:
Grammar could use some work in here. Some of your sentences seemed to run on and some letters that shouldn't have been capatalized were. I added some periods and split some of the sentences up so that they were just separated a little bit. No worries, they were just fine other than that. Word choice continues to be excellent in my opinion!

Storyline and Plot:
The story line continues to make me wanting more! However, there are some things I have questions about. I kind of want to know more about Aurialla and how she interacts with Hazel. So far, she's been a very secondary, unlike in the prologue where she was very involved. I want more Aurialla! That's probably just the more sadistic, Bellatrix Lestrange-loving side of me coming out wanting more evil female characters, but hey Anyhoo, she's such an important figure in the story that we need more of her. Also, we should have more of Adalyn in future chapters and her background. Plus, I think you should have a spell that prevents her from telling Hazel about her past and the truth behind the story. Maybe something along the lines of tell-Rapunzel-anything-and-you'll-drop-dead sort of thing. But that's just a suggestion; as the writer its up to you to decide! Have fun! Make it your own!

I hope you find this helpful! PM me with any questions... or I guess you could just talk to me because we live in the... same... house. Hmm.
~Luxy

I feel Adalyn needs more...character. She's just not....realistic? I don't know, it just feels like she's too.....obvious. Hazel would have to be reasonably air headed and/or thick not to put the pieces together with all the hints. In other words! MORE REALISM AND DETAIL. I demand you give it more thought!!! (FYI that's my way of encouraging you, in case you couldn't tell )
Rite on Kiddo. : P

“She wanted to get out of this tower, she wanted to eat when she was hungry, and not when Aurialla sent up the basket. She wanted to run around without the heavy braid weighing her down all the time and she wanted to talk to people. She wanted to fall in love like the people in her stories.”
Repetition =good technique! It is also something we discuss in AP Lang. I’ve decided I’m determined to reference that class in each post, let me know if it gets too annoying.
But seriously I love this sequence of sentences!!!!

"Loose" should be "lose"

“Silly cat, it’s so protective of you my dear, it didn't recognize me."
I think you have to do something different with this quote because she is talking to two different characters; first the cat and then Hazel. But I don’t know if you should just put a period after silly cat and make the part where she is address Hazel a different sentence or if they should be two separate quotes. *
*TO OTHER REPLIERS: DOES ANYONE KNOW A RULE FOR THIS?
The line would flow better if it is clearer which part is addressing the cat and which part is addressing Hazel.

Hello! here for ch. 2!!!


Nitpicks:
1.

Spoiler

whoa, no nitpicks!

This is so good, I have no nitpicks.. Thats a first.

Well then I guess I'm off to chapter 3:
~Pointe

Review part three.

Now you have my interest The introduction and mystery of Adalyn has sparked things up a little.

The problem I found here though is that Adalyn should be scared, but still she says things like 'I'm not allowed to tell you.' If she's going to drop hints like that she might as well say the whole thing, because I'm sure Aurialla would scold her just the same if she realised that Adalyn was dropping hints. Is Adalyn brave, or is she not? Or maybe she wants Hazel to encourage her to tell, so that she won't feel like she's to blame.

Perhaps the easiest way to work out these answers is to spend a bit more time inside the heads of your characters. Slow the pace down and think as they would be thinking. Adalyn is scared, is she shuffling her feet, or pulling at her hair, or biting her fingers? It's these little things that build up your characters. Act the scene out slowly from the perspective of one character, that tends to help.