Lucy's Lawn Gnome (For the Three-pronged contest)

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Once upon a time in a land called Futhormore, a young girl named Lucy lived in a small hut. She lived a carefree life surrounded by friends and family. Her only neighbors were friendly old folk who had lived in their hut the entire span of their life. They often baked cookies and other goods for Lucy, who they looked at as a granddaughter, for they never had one themselves. Along with these goods, they would put a single silver penny in the basket so she could buy herself some candy at the Pennies down the street.

One day, in the middle of the night, Lucy awoke with a start to the sound of footsteps outside her house.
How curious, she thought. Who would be up at this hour walking around?

Well Lucy, ever the nosy little girl, decided to peek outside to see what all the fuss was. When she opened the door though, she saw nothing. She scratched her chin but pondered no more about the mysterious footsteps, and wandered back off to bed.

The next morning when Lucy woke up again, she found herself wandering outside, still curious about the footsteps. What she found when she walked outside was a little statue in the lawn. It was a man, no bigger than a foot tall, with jolly red cheeks and a round tummy. The thing was old and wearing bright clothes. In his fat little hands were two mallets, which were hitting a glockenspiel that was a variety of colors. He was frozen in the middle of a song, having a good old time.

How sad, thought Lucy. He will never be able to finish his song. She picked up the little creature and wondered where it came from. When she picked it up, a shiny object fell from its pocket. Upon inspection, Lucy found a single silver penny. It gleamed in the sun.

“Oh!” Lucy exclaimed. Of course! It was her kind old neighbors leaving this statue for her instead of cookies.
Well that’s not fair at all! I can’t eat this, and I can’t buy a piece of candy at Pennies with it! It’s no good to me at all. She thought stubbornly. She marched over to her neighbor’s house and placed it in their lawn.

It certainly looks like a gnome. Lucy pondered. Perhaps I should call him a lawn gnome, for that’s where I found him. She nodded her head with finality and went about her day.

That night, she awoke again in the middle of the night. This time however, she was awoken by the sweet sharp notes of a glockenspiel ringing clearly through the air. The music was soothing and beautiful, and she was lulled into a sleep by it quickly.

The next morning, Lucy ran outside to see what had played the beautiful music that wove itself into her dreams. She was startled to see the lawn gnome sitting in her lawn, frozen in the middle of a song, still jolly as ever. She gasped and picked it up. A silver penny fell out of its pocket. She stomped back over to the neighbor’s yard and slammed it back into the lawn, telling it to stay as if it were a dog.

She stomped into her house, grabbed a piece of parchment paper, and scribbled onto it:

Dear neighbors, I like the cookies better. Sincerely, Lucy.

She rolled it up and tied it with a ribbon then ran back outside to put it in the gnome’s pocket. She went about her day. That night though, she was again awoken in the middle of the night. This time however, she was awoken by the scritch-scritch of a pen against parchment paper. She stayed in bed though, to exhausted from waking up every night to see what it was.

The next morning, when Lucy went outside, she found the lawn gnome sitting in her lawn playing away at the glockenspiel. She picked it up in fury, knowing her neighbors put it there even after they read the note. When she picked it up, a silver penny fell out of its pocket along with a note tied with a ribbon. She picked up both and un-scrolled the note.

Dear Lucy,

I am Arnold, your faithful Lawn Gnome. Please, please, PLEASE, stop putting me in your neighbor’s yard. I do not like it there, for they are old and do not need me. I also like to play my glockenspiel for you, but I do not have the time when I have to keep writing letters and wobbling all the way across the yard every night. I will bring you pennies and music every day, but you do not seem to want me. Please let me stay here Lucy!
Love, Arnold the Lawn Gnome.


Lucy looked at it in astonishment. She realized with a start how selfish and spoiled she had been.
A gift is a gift! she thought. It doesn’t need to be useful! She carefully placed the lawn gnome back in its place. Every night, she fell asleep to the sweet music of the gnome; never again did she reject a gift, no matter how useless it may have been.
Last edited by funkyreg101 on Sun Nov 28, 2010 7:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
One day your prince will come... Mine? He took a wrong left turn, got lost, and is too stubburn to ask for directions.




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Hullo there! I'm a little short on time, so I'm going to have to make this quick.

What she found when was walked outside was a little statue in the lawn.
I think you mean either "...when she was outside..." or "...when she was walking outside..." or "...when she walked outside..."

What she found when was walked outside was a little statue in the lawn. It was a little man, no bigger than a foot tall, with jolly red cheeks and a round tummy. The little thing was old and wearing bright clothes. In his fat little hands were two mallets, which were hitting a glockenspiel that was a variety of colors.
You use the word "little" in every sentence of this part! I recommend you find another word in a few cases, or simply cut it out.

That night however, she awoke again in the middle of the night. This time however, she was awoken by the sweet sharp notes of a glockenspiel ringing clearly through the air.
This is kind of nitpicky, but I don't like the repetition of "however" here.

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Okay. I thought that was sweet. A very simple tale, with a folky sort of feel to it.

However, because of this voice I'm lead to think that there should be a moral. After all -- folktales have to have morals, don't they? But this doesn't seem like it does. Lucy is annoyed by the gnome because she can't eat him, but he perseveres out of the kindness of his heart and she decides she likes him. Why does she decide this? Because she realizes he will bring her music and money? I guess so. But I don't see any of her thinking that leads up to that decision. I would like to get inside her head a little bit to better understand her motives and make her seem less like just a spoiled little girl.

But we still haven't gotten to the moral. I'm not saying I think all stories need morals (I certainly do not think that!) but I just feel like the way this story is written, it should have some message to it. Is the message that someone who wants to do you a favor will do it no matter how mean you are to them and how many times you turn them down and snuff them? Is the message that you should be as selfish and angry as you like and still get your way in the end? Or maybe the point is to ridicule the Lucy character, showing how silly and selfish she is... but if that's so, I think you need to make more of a point of it.

In summary, I think the piece is cute. But it can use some fleshing-out. Give us a better understanding of your character and her motives. I know this piece was written for a contest, but it has to seem like it was written because you had something you wanted to express with it. I'd even like to see some more description of the gnome. What is he made out of? How heavy is he? Does he have a beard? What you have now feels like a bare skeleton that needs some muscle, fat, and skin to make it really alive.

Please contact me if you have any questions or anything like that about my review.

Good luck with the contest!
a




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Hey, Funky!

So I thought this was a really cute story. You have a nice style of writing; it's very quirky and cute and it has the feel of a genuine folk tale. Your grammar is great, and I can tell you put a lot of effort into crafting and creating this story. All of the items were incorporated nicely and everything seems to really flow. Nothing feels out of place.

However, for the most part I agree with Azila so I will be careful to not repeat her too much. Basically, it needs more, as it's too flat right now. You have a great set-up and everything builds up nicely, but then it just kind of ends, and the reader is left with an empty feeling. What exactly did Lucy learn from reading the letter? You could write out how and why she realizes she was wrong to get rid of the gnome.

Overall, this is cute, and I wish you luck in the contest! Feel free to PM me if you have any further questions.

~ Elinor

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney



A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
— Robert Frost