Possible Book Proulouge for what i am writing

Legend of the Menchi
By: Mack Jenkins

Long ago there was a race of mythical beings that some thought to be monsters. Their nails were inch long claws on their hands and feet, fanged teeth like a beasts, their ears pointes, skin pale like fresh fallen snow, and their eyes had no whites, or pupils they were just al black. Their bones were as strong as steel, their moved quicker and with greater agility than anything to ever exist. Though these forms were distinctive they could recoil their claws, dull their teeth, and turn their eyes to that of a regular person. The color of their eyes in their true and human forms is different for each tribe. These beings were built to survive and thrive. Everyone in their tribe had a specific function and the tribe was lead by a single Alpha.
Before any real appearance of order was established amongst the tribes it was all out turf wars for hunting grounds. The only problem was that innocent settlers died in between these wars. So one day the settlers got fed up and went to a powerful witch begged and beseeched her to end their suffering and torment. But well they begged her the leaders of the 6 biggest tribes took counsel. Their spies in the human camps had informed them of their plot. The tribes made a treaty saying that they would evenly deal the land out to each tribe equally. So they banned together and slaughtered the entire settler encampment.
When they got to the witches temple the 6 tribe leaders marched up the staircase and entered there stood 12 humans with long silver robes and the mark of a sideways hour glass with a line through it. The deal with the witch had been paid for by those 12. The witch banished the 6 tribes to the corners of the known world. After she cast her spell only 3 tribe leaders remained: Zal of the Black Craft tribe, Xen of the Xinon tribe, and Makis of the Oak tribe. They struck and slit the witches throat and with her dieing spell she cursed them that every child born from the blood of a Menchi shall be a Man. And with that The Menchi line looked to be extinct.
Throughout the centuries the Menchi mated with human women and once that Menchi chose a human mate even if that human left them they could chose no other. The mate was to be chose by a ritual. Through all of this the Menchi have stayed hidden … long forgotten by our times. The Menchi evolved with them from running to driving, writing to typing, no school … to high school. This curse that the Blue witch cast has lasted generations and now it will be broken by three unlikely Menchi a thief, a scout, and a prince. 5 tribes stand today with pockets of wanderers and exiled Menchi spread throughout the world. A majority of Menchi inhabit Canada and the northern united states. The Xenon tribe once great is now thief and trades with no hold on the old ways, the Black Craft now assassins, and killers they hold the old ways closer than any, The Isis tribe are blood thirsty warriors bred to be better than other Menchi. And finally the Oak tribe … they are completely off the map. Once great and large in numbers they are now about 30 confined to a small rural town in Muskoka Ontario.

Hi Mark

Before I begin, here's something I tell all users I come across who have committed the same crime (:P):

When you look at wall of text like that, what do you feel? I know what I feel - intimidated. To eradicate this feeling that would deter many readers, simply add in a few extra paragraph breaks to create a sense of space within your text. I know I'm not the only person who likes to see a well formatted submission on YWS, and surely you've seen other people format their work to make it easier for the reader to view. This formatting allows for readers to enjoy reading the story instead of reading bunched up paragraphs on our computer screens. But that's only my opinion. It's not an official rule on YWS to do this, so I hope that this suggested formatting doesn't deter you from future submissions. A mod has since informed me that adding extra enter spaces is even easier to implement than one would initially think. At the bottom of the post screen when one goes to create a new thread, there is a list of options titled Special Formatting. Selecting the option "Story" automatically adds spaces in between paragraphs. So I hope that you use this option in the future.

And secondly, you spelt "prologue" wrong in your title, and you didn't capitalise your "I". When there are errors in your title, some people will just bypass your work because you're showing early errors.

On to the review.

Long ago there was a race of mythical beings that some thought to be monsters.

Hmm, when you say "mythical" here, you're telling the reader that these creatures aren't real. I don't think that was your intention.

Their nails were inch long claws on their hands and feet, fanged teeth like a beasts, their ears pointes, skin pale like fresh fallen snow, and their eyes had no whites, or pupils they were just al black.

Make sure your proof read over your work before you submit any work.

Their bones were as strong as steel, their moved quicker and with greater agility than anything to ever exist.

This sentence sounds backwards.

Though these forms were distinctive they could recoil their claws, dull their teeth, and turn their eyes to that of a regular person.

lol okay. When you were describing these creatures, I had in my mind's eye a spindly cat-like creature. Not a human demon.

The color of their eyes in their true and human forms is different for each tribe. These beings were built to survive and thrive. Everyone in their tribe had a specific function and the tribe was lead by a single Alpha.

The link between the colour of their eyes and what tribe they are in to describe the tribes was really thin, and sounded awkward.

Before any real appearance of order was established amongst the tribes it was all out turf wars for hunting grounds.

Everything else you've written has come across as professional. This does not.

The only problem was that innocent settlers died in between these wars. So one day the settlers got fed up and went to a powerful witch begged and beseeched her to end their suffering and torment. But well they begged her the leaders of the 6 biggest tribes took counsel. Their spies in the human camps had informed them of their plot. The tribes made a treaty saying that they would evenly deal the land out to each tribe equally. So they banned together and slaughtered the entire settler encampment.

This paragraph is awful. It's as if you tired of writing and decided you'd summarise an entire two-three pages of work in one paragraph. Also, always spell out your numbers if they are under 100.

When they got to the witches temple the 6 tribe leaders marched up the staircase and entered there stood 12 humans with long silver robes and the mark of a sideways hour glass with a line through it. The deal with the witch had been paid for by those 12. The witch banished the 6 tribes to the corners of the known world. After she cast her spell only 3 tribe leaders remained: Zal of the Black Craft tribe, Xen of the Xinon tribe, and Makis of the Oak tribe. They struck and slit the witches throat and with her dieing spell she cursed them that every child born from the blood of a Menchi shall be a Man. And with that The Menchi line looked to be extinct.

Interesting, but as I said earlier, this paragraph alone could be two pages long, filled with gripping dialogue and fast action scenes, instead of a lack-lustre summary.

Throughout the centuries the Menchi mated with human women and once that Menchi chose a human mate even if that human left them they could chose no other. The mate was to be chose by a ritual. Through all of this the Menchi have stayed hidden … long forgotten by our times.

Earlier you said that they were considered monsters by the humans, and here you're saying they are forgotten.

The Menchi evolved with them from running to driving, writing to typing, no school … to high school.

This sounds awful.

This curse that the Blue witch cast has lasted generations and now it will be broken by three unlikely Menchi a thief, a scout, and a prince. 5 tribes stand today with pockets of wanderers and exiled Menchi spread throughout the world. A majority of Menchi inhabit Canada and the northern united states.

If the Menchi used the technology and terminology of the humans, why would they have a "scout", when scouts are now redundant?

The Xenon tribe once great is now thief and trades with no hold on the old ways, the Black Craft now assassins, and killers they hold the old ways closer than any, The Isis tribe are blood thirsty warriors bred to be better than other Menchi. And finally the Oak tribe … they are completely off the map. Once great and large in numbers they are now about 30 confined to a small rural town in Muskoka Ontario.

Okay, so, my thoughts? Lose this beginning. There is no need for a prologue like this. It's just a summarisation of the history of these people - do the readers really need to know that the Black Craft are assassins and that most of the Menchi live in Canada? Not really no, because you'll be repeating all this information later throughout the novel.

I can think of only two ways of saving this prologue:
1) turning it into a story itself. Make book one the initial history of the Menchi.
2) write this prologue in third person as one of the tribe members/leaders and describe the slaughter of the human settlement and the Blue Witch's curse.

I believe the second one is the better option and would make the reader immediately interested, especially as you're starting the story in what seems like a war, and then ending it with a curse of doom.

Hope this helped. Don't hesitate to reply to this thread with questions, comments or concerns regarding my review.

Cheers, Jai