The Muffin Woman

So this is a uber small flash fiction I wrote up the other night with character's from my NaNoWriMo novel. I was going through writers block. I would like to thank my best friend, and her boyfriend, who is also a very good friend of mine, for allowing me to use their arguments for my amusement. This argument really happen...Yes, it had to do with a woman with muffins... Needless to say, it fixed my writers block and I will most likely add this somewhere into my NaNo novel in one of the later chapters :p

Oh! And Ravi and Kione, you will see them talking but they are "beast's" so to say. They are Ryker and Rafferty's other half that lives inside them. If you read my NaNoWriMo novel, you would understand a lot better, but I have yet to post those chapters on here. I will get to that soon!
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Ryker stood back against a wall as he watched the scene play out before him. Rafferty was standing in the midst of the crowd in the market talking to a rather dull woman by the name of Karimah. Ryker noticed her more than a couple times walking down the street holding her basket of muffins. Whenever she saw Rafferty, her face would light up and she would offer him a muffin. Always a different kind for each day. Ryker turned his head pin pointing Rafferty's mate Zyanya, closing in on Raff.

This is going to be amusing, Ravi said. Ryker nodded his head in agreement with a smirk on his face. Zyanya was no woman you wanted to cross. Ryker laughed as he watched Rafferty take a large bite out of the muffin.

"So, do you think she is pretty?" came the threatening voice of his mate. Rafferty gulped and glanced at his Zyanya.

"Z, I am not touching that topic with you…here," he commented.

Stupid move, Ravi laughed.

Ryker saw Z's eyes narrow dangerously. "Oh, so you do think she is pretty?" she said standing in front of him with her hands on her slender hips.

Rafferty sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Why do you do this?" he asked impatiently. Zyanya remained calm for a couple of minutes starring at her mate. Ryker counted down the seconds before she would explode.

"Do you think she is prettier than..me..?" she asked slowly as she narrowed her eyes.

"Uh….no. She just..has a cute..face?" he said slowly realizing before he said it he was digging himself into a deep hole.

Here it comes, Ryker commented. Ravi laughed.

"You know! I can make muffins just as good as she can! You wouldn't even know because you haven't even ever EATEN my muffins!" she yelled. The crowd grew silent and all eyes turned towards her.

"You haven't made me muffin's before…" he said slowly trying to hide a small smirk.

"And if I did, they would be some amazing muffins!"

"Ah, yeah baby…they would…" he said quickly nodding his head.

"Hell MY basket would be much prettier than hers!" she paused. "And my body is way hotter than..than…that," she continued gesturing towards the retreating woman.

"It's not always about the body baby…" Rafferty said quietly. Idiot, replied Kione. Deeper hole Raff…

"Then what is so appealing about her?" she demanded.

Rafferty stood thinking for a moment, than threw his hands up in the air in defeat. "I don't know! She is just so damn happy all the time!" he bellowed. Z looked surprised for a moment.

"Well, if I didn't have to deal with you. I would be happy all the damn time too!" she spat turning her back to him and walking away. Ryker held back his laugh as he approached his shocked brother. He patted him on the back and walked down the street laughing.

Hehehe! Oh, man, I had to get off the floor laughing to put in this comment. I must say, this is a very amusing piece of work. I don't think there i really anything in it that could be improved, well, besides just a few grammatical errors. Well, I'm here to review, so here we go!

Ryker stood back against a wall as he watched the scene play out before him. Rafferty was standing in the midst of the crowd in the market talking to a rather dull woman by the name of Karimah. Ryker noticed her more than a couple times walking down the street holding her basket of muffins. Whenever she saw Rafferty, her face would light up and she would offer him a muffin. Always a different kind for each day. Ryker turned his head pin pointing Rafferty's mate Zyanya, closing in on Raff.

This is going to be amusing, Ravi said. Ryker nodded his head in agreement with a smirk on his face. Zyanya was no woman you wanted to cross. Ryker laughed as he watched Rafferty take a large bite out of the muffin.

"So, do you think she is pretty?" came the threatening voice of his mate. Rafferty gulped and glanced at his Zyanya.

"Z, I am not touching that topic with you…here," he commented.

Stupid move, Ravi laughed.

Ryker saw Z's eyes narrow dangerously. "Oh, so you do think she is pretty?" she said, standing in front of him with her hands on her slender hips.

Rafferty sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Why do you do this?" he asked impatiently. Zyanya remained calm for a couple of minutes starring at her mate. Ryker counted down the seconds before she would explode.

"Do you think she is prettier than..me..?" I don't like how you put those periods. It should be more like "prettier...than...me?" But I guess that's more of a personal style sort of thing. I do like how this is used to open up the arguement, though she asked slowly as she narrowed her eyes.

"Uh….no. She just..has a cute..face? Again with the periods. I would only use three per each pause" he said slowly realizing before he said it he was digging himself into a deep hole.

Here it comes, Ryker commented Maybe just put thought? Putting "commented" or words like that implies that he's speaking when really he's not. Ravi laughed.

"You know! No "!", try a "," commaI can make muffins just as good as she can! You wouldn't even know because you haven't even ever EATEN my muffins!" she yelled. The crowd grew silent. No "and" All eyes turned towards her.

"You haven't made me muffin's No apostraphe before…" he said, slowly trying to hide a small smirk.

"And if I did, they would be some amazing muffins!"

"Ah, yeah baby…they would…" he said, quickly nodding his head.

"Hell, MY basket would be much prettier than hers!" she paused. "And my body is way hotter than..than…that, I would reword this. Maybe try this for the ending: "hotter than...than...that..."" she continued, gesturing towards the retreating woman.

"It's not always about the body, baby…" Rafferty said quietly. Idiot, replied Again, it might be a good idea to put "thought" Kione. Deeper hole Raff…

"Then what is so appealing about her?" she demanded.

Rafferty stood thinking for a moment. He then threw his hands up in the air in defeat. "I don't know! She is just so damn happy all the time!" he bellowed. Z looked surprised for a moment.

"Well, if I didn't have to deal with you, I would be happy all the damn time, too!" she spat, turning her back to him and walking away. Ryker held back his laugh as he approached his shocked brother. He patted him on the back and walked down the street laughing.

I like this little passage a lot and I would love to find out more about these characters in your novel. I can't wait to read more by you, and goo luck wit all your writing!

Zac (A.K.A. The Walkin Dude)

Very impressive... I definitely liked it alot. This is my first day on this site and I had mixed expectations as to what I'd find, but you have obviously shown that this is definitely for WRITERS. I mean, you have a gift to mkae the words just flow together so wonderfully, great job! I pretty much agree with everything TheWalkinDude said in his suggestions, and I also want to see more of your work and these characters in the future. Keep up the good work!

Hullo! First off I'm going to point out some little technicalities and such. TheWalkinDude has already done a pretty thorough job of this, but there are some additional things I would like to call attention to.

Ryker turned his head pin pointing Rafferty's mate Zyanya, closing in on Raff.

It certainly may just be me, but I found this line really confusing. What, exactly, is Ryker doing? Also, if Raff is just an abbreviation for Rafferty (which I think it is...) then the structure of the sentence is a little funny, in my opinion. I would give a suggestion as to how to reword this, but frankly I'm so confused I'm not even sure what you are trying to say. :?

Zyanya remained calm for a couple of minutes starring at her mate.

There are a few things that bug me about this sentence: 1) I think you mean "staring," not "starring. " 2) I believe there should be a comma after "minutes." 3) Consider whether "calm" is really a good word choice. It seems to me, she's pretty angry, and even if she's quiet for a bit, it is a brewing sort of silence, not a calm one. 4) This is something people do a lot in writing, and it's sort of a pet peeve of mine: did she really stand there for a couple of (e.i. two) minutes? That's a pretty long time. You can try it if you like, take a stopwatch and stand in silence for two minutes, pretending you're really angry at someone. If it feels fine to you, then leave it, but I don't think anyone would do that in the middle of an argument. ;) Maybe say "a couple of moments"? That's more ambiguous.

"Uh….no. She just..has a cute..face?" he said slowly realizing before he said it he was digging himself into a deep hole.

I think there should be a comma after "slowly." Also, I'm not going to point out every instance, but you do this a lot: three periods ("dot dot dot") are an ellipses, which is a perfectly valid punctuation mark. Even four periods is fine, if an ellipses is ending a sentence. But two periods is nothing -- so don't use it. I know TheWalkinDude pointed this out as well, but I wanted to reinforce it because it really isn't a matter of opinion; it's grammar. ;)
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Okay. This was pretty good. I'm a little lost, because I haven't read your novel, but I loved the idea of the "beasts" that live inside the characters. It reminds me of the dæmons from Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials. The argument (while, of course, utterly ridiculous!) felt very real the way you wrote it, and I even got a little bit of a sense for your characters, which is impressive considering the length (or lack thereof) of the piece.

Also, this seems like a great way to alleviate writer's block! Gets you to have fun writing about your characters without worrying about the "big picture" plot.

The piece is mostly dialogue, so I think one big thing for you to work on that will improve the flow of it is your dialogue tags. Dialogue tags, as you probably know, are the things like "he said" that you add when people are talking. Looking at your tags, I feel like you just sort of threw them in when you needed them, without considering the power that they can have. Now this is a delicate topic, because some people are very adamant that tags should be short and concise and unimpressive so as to not take attention away from what is actually being said. I'm not saying you have to do the whole "he declared stoutly, the cold words falling heavy on his audience" thing, but I do think your tags could use some livening up. For example:
"Do you think she is prettier than..me..?" she asked slowly as she narrowed her eyes.
...
"Uh….no. She just..has a cute..face?" he said slowly realizing before he said it he was digging himself into a deep hole.
...
"You haven't made me muffin's before…" he said slowly trying to hide a small smirk.
You use "slowly" a lot, and I found it a little tiresome. There are many ways to say the same thing, so even if you want these three quotes to be said slowly, you don't have to word it the same way for all of them. You can, of course, use synonyms for slow, or words like "carefully" which imply slowness, but are also a bit more emotionally specific. I love words like that because, for example, "screech" or "howl" are just so much more alive than, say "yell." They don't just describe the sound of the dialogue, but the emotional impetus behind the sound. Also, if you have an ellipses or two or three, that gets across the slowness, so you don't have to say it in the tag. Another thing that would help not only in this instance, but all over the piece would be to switch up the format of the dialogue tags by actually making them separate sentences. For example: "Ah, yeah baby…they would…" he said quickly nodding his head. could be something like "Ah, yeah baby…they would." He spoke quickly, nodding his head. or "Ah, yeah baby…they would." He quickly nodded his head. (depending on what you wanted to say).

Well, just some things to think about. I hope the critique didn't come off as too harsh! Please feel free to contact me if I was unclear or anything.

Hope this helps.
a