Jealousy

Follow you with my eyes shut,
Your shadow can’t see your face.
I’m jealous of your pure heart,
Jealous of your kind heart
I’m your jealous shadow you can’t see.

Blind to all the trees in the forest
I can only hear the pines,
The wind wailing coldly through the pines,
I’m jealous you can see them green and true
I can only hear the pines

Shut your eyes and follow me,
Don’t follow me blindly through the forest
Follow me quietly so you can hear the pines
Tell me how to see them tall and green
I’m jealous of your heart, I’m jealous of your eyes
Let me follow and be pure like you
I’m a jealous shadow: I want to shine.

This is beautiful, and sad at the same time. It almost makes me want to cry, and it makes me feel so grateful that I can see. You described how much the person wanted to see, wanted to be like a regular person. It is really beautiful what you wrote. You inspire me.

Thank you so much, I wasn't expecting such a nice comment! That actually makes me look at it differently, because I was really writing about a person with two sides of their personality... their dark side is the shadow, and the shadow is always behind that person, never able to have a heart or see their face. I'm quite chuffed that you can interpret it two ways x

PaperCrane wrote:Follow you with my eyes shut,
Your shadow can’t see your face. What does this have to do with anything?
I’m jealous of your pure heart,
Jealous of your kind heart Kind heart and pure heart is the same thing?
I’m your jealous shadow you can’t see. I like this.

Blind to all the trees in the forest
I can only hear the pines, You should remove the pines from this line. It's not needed because it is mentioned in the line below and it's just unneeded.
The wind wailing coldly through the pines,
I’m jealous you can see them green and true Green and true? What does it mean to be true?
I can only hear the pines You don't need to repeat this.

Shut your eyes and follow me,
Don’t follow me blindly through the forest What is the importance of this line? Is it really needed?
Follow me quietly so you can hear the pines You don't need the second follow me. And why do they need to hear the pines if they're going to tell you how to see? And then if they close their eyes, they have a tougher time doing so, right? So it's kinda contradictory.
Tell me how to see them tall and green
I’m jealous of your heart, I’m jealous of your eyes
Let me follow and be pure like you
I’m a jealous shadow: I want to shine. This is pretty much you listing this off and whining. I am sorry but I doubt anyone really wants to hear that.

Over all:
We don't really know why you're jealous of this person. There's not a lot that we can relate to, it's kinda boring. And I think it would do you better to help us see how this all works with similes or metaphors. Something that can let us see why you're jealous of this person, other than their sight. And even being a bit more indirect, would make this piece more enjoyable because it would give us somethings to figure out and think about.

Just making the connections between their sight / surroundings / actions to this poem from the real world can give us a world of information to work with.

Poetry can be like an essay, what do you need to say? How can you best say and order it? What examples can you use to help get your ideas across?

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1.

What a horrible review, I don't know why you even bothered. Basically, you have missed the point of the entire person. Poetry does not have to be an essay, who on earth told you that, did Philip Larkin write essays? Did Sylvia Plath write essays? No...

First of all, you seem not to realise the difference between being physically and metaphorically blind. You also can't see that pines is a double entendre, saying you can only hear the pines, can mean you only hear the sadness or negativity in life, not actual trees. The second line is pretty much what the whole poem is about... so that's the point. Take this as being offensive or not, I really don't care, this seems to be a bit subtle for you. I'm not saying it's perfect, but it is quite subtle, and you don't seem to 'get' anything which isn't spelled out the way you would find it easy to read/understand.

Basically, this is a run through of what my poem would be like, if I took out all the things you think I should take out. I would like to see whether people think this is better:

Follow you with my eyes shut
Your shadow can't see your face
I'm jealous of your pure heart
I'm your jealous shadow you can't see

Blind to all the trees in the forest
I can only hear the wind wailing coldly through the pines
I'm jealous you can see them green

Shut your eyes and follow me
Quietly so you can hear the pines
Tell me how to see them tall and green
I’m jealous of your heart, I’m jealous of your eyes
Let me follow and be pure like you

Absolutely ridiculous... this has no rhythm, no metaphor, no deeper meaning, nothing interesting. Tell me exactly what is wrong with repetition, some of the best poetry has repetition. Do you think William Blake should have written "Tyger burning bright", would that poem have become even more iconic had there been only one tiger in that line? I think you need to read the actual definition of poetry http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetry and also maybe visit the library and take some books out by the great poets. Also read some poetry from other cultures, like African, Asian etc. You will really see how many different styles there are.

Hi PaperCrane,

Shut up. Writing that joke of a poem is one thing, but trying to defend such nonsense is quite another.

Let me clue you in: You don't know the first thing about writing poetry. The repeating of jealous all over the place isn't "style", it's laziness. Indeed, some poets do use repetition to underscore a point, whether it be the invoking of a drum-like beat or a multiperspective slant, but none of that is present here. The fact that you have the cognitive ability to re-type a word over and over again does not give you the wisdom nor the ethos to compare yourself to William Blake.

This has no imagery whatsoever beyond the simplistic second-grade analysis of a tree's color. Yes, I understand the symbolism that is trying very very hard to show itself, and no, it's not impressive. Yelling your theme in the reader's ear just annoys him. In the same vein, writing so that you are telling the audience exactly what you want to convey basically turns this piece into an essay, and a boring one at that. We live in a three-dimensional and sensual world, so use that to your advantage and compare feelings to concrete, base instincts; after all, our roots are with the preliminary associations with sights, sounds, etc, and these should be used to work up gradually to a higher level of thinking and purpose.

This poem was dead on arrival. Give it a nice burial and move on to better pieces.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Ok, you are 12 years old...?

Actually, he isn't 12, lol. He liiiies. But still. Don't put too much worth on people's ages, lol. This is the internet, after all! Just because you're really 20 and I'm really 22 doesn't mean everyone else is.

Anyway! I have a genetics midterm in a couple of hours that I don't want to think about, so I'm critiquing your poem instead. XD

One thing that I found kind of strange was you were talking about how he was pure. Pure, pure, pure... you really didn't change your descriptions of him too much! But I kind of wanted to know about him more, you know? You only really used that adjective to describe him (that, and kind) , but that adjective didn't really make me see him or understand him better, nor did it make me see why you should have been jealous. You're his shadow? Okay. You admire him. You want to be him? You want to have that pure part of him. Okay, you are envious of him. But how are you jealous?

You never you really explain that. As a shadow, you have a hold of him automatically. I can kind of see it if he walks through a forest... if he walks through the forest, you, as a shadow, disappear and become part of a larger part of the forest and you become not only his shadow but the forest's shadow. But, again, how does that make you jealous? If you are willing to disappear into a forest instead of clinging onto him as a shadow, then how does that help? Unless you want to refer of the darkness submersing into him and taking hold of him. So you would possess him as he comes into the forest. But even then, he would not become completely yours, just as the shadows of the tree would cling to him and claim possession.

... do you see why I'm kind of confused?

Also, blindly doesn't indicate any noise. In fact, if he were blind, he would probably be more sensitive to noise. I've had several blind friends throughout the years (here's to you, Gerry!) and they actually have heightened senses to hear things that I can't. Like, one of my friends (Jim) can actually understand this one language which just consists of clicks and beeps. It's pretty fantastic! But anyway, you lose me when you talk say, "Not blindly, quietly." It really doesn't make sense. I think maybe being blind would be a good thing, if you were truly jealous, because then the darkness would overtake his eyes, which you said you are jealous of.

So! Basically, it looks like you're not really using your images to their full potential. I love the jealousy aspect and I love the forest scene, but it really doesn't look like you're doing much with this, other than throw it out there. I can see what you're trying to aim at... it looks like you're trying to make him stop for a moment for you and show you all the things that you want. But I think you can make this waaaaay better than it is. Use your imagery better -- it's powerful stuff. Don't forget it. And pure? What makes him pure? The way you're using that word is confusing and unclear. So make that better.

Best of luck in your edits!

Hi, thanks for that, I'm really chuffed to finally get a decent review on this. I know it needs a lot of work which is why I needed some help.

Basically, the poem is about a relationship, one partner is very talented, brilliant and also a kind and pure person. The other partner is less 'pure'... they are more dark, and because of this, blind to a lot of things in life. I think the first verse is self explanatory, they have become like a shadow that the other partner can't see, and all they do is jealously follow their partner around. Second verse, I'm using the imagery of the forest, because pines can be trees, and pines can also be like desperate wailing or crying... so the pure partner can see beautiful trees (or life as it really is, in all its beauty) the other partner can only ever hear pining/lamenting/crying (darkness). I'm saying 'green and true' because it's not literally just trees... I should explain that better, maybe make like two verses out of it not just the one?

Third verse, the jealous partner is asking the other to shut his eyes and listen to the world the way he/she sees it, ie shut his eyes for a moment to the beauty in life and listen to the darkness and sadness the other one experiences... and then having experienced this, tell the jealous partner how to live like that.

Im aware that blind people have amazing other senses, but I didn't mean blind like not able to see, I meant like blind to the world, blind to beauty etc.

So yeah I can see why you're confused... I think I should have a line in there as well to explain that it's like their heart/soul that is blind not the eyes... 'I'm jealous of your eyes' is just saying 'I'm jealous of the way you see the world'. Hopefully after an edit or two this will be really good...

Good luck in your exam, it sounds very scary!! Hope it all goes well

Okay, so that was a bit harsh, no? I liked it. Clearly, some not as much... It was good, keep writing

Thanks wondergirl, it was very harsh wasn't it? Some people need a kick up the bum I think

I immediately liked this poem after my first read-through. The multiple meanings and the richness of forest imagery have a lot of potential. I like some of the repetition of "jealous", but I would omit it in the final line of the first and third stanzas.
I initially took it as a poem of jealousy towards another person, but I think it's great that it can be taken to be both internal and external.
Like Snoink, I feel that both the shadow and the one he envies are lacking in description. I would take the time to really develop the individual pieces of this poem so that they pull the reader deeper into your meaning.
I love this poem, largely because it has an incredible amount of potential. If you're willing to buckle down and really build up your detail and imagery you could make this into something pretty great, but it needs a lot of work.

A side note: silented1 and galerius took time to read, think about, and respond to your writing. Even if you disagree with their critiques, they still deserve your respect for that fact. Bashing people who give you reviews you don't like is a surefire way to turn off future reviewers. That said, if you really think a critique doesn't have merit, feel free to ignore it. You're the author, you can do that.

Hmmm... in that case, maybe the word "jealous" doesn't fit here. In your explanation, the image that I found the most interesting was your metaphor of you being "blind." Your explanation, I think, was very revealing, and it seems less that you are jealous of him and more that you are yearning to be understood. So, you may consider changing your narrator to be blind. That way, it would make sense that there was a disconnect with your world and his and it would also make more sense about you wanting to draw him into your world of sounds.

Also, in this case, I think it would be really cool if you could be creative about this. For instance, instead of describing him as pure and shining, it might be better to describe him in more of a less visual way. His laughter, for instance, would show that he has an ease in life. And so on. So she can describe how he sees the green trees and bright blue sky, but the bright sky only blinds her and forces her into this sensory-deprivation... lol, I'm making stuff up now!

But definitely have fun with this! I'm glad you're looking to better this. It has good potential!

I have to say, I really don't know how in the world the trees fit into the jealously. Everyone else is saying my thoughts, so just read all that. I've read better work from you. I know you are good, but this really wasn't your A-game.

Fair enough, seems that nobody got this poem except my boyfriend who I wrote it for, so I guess I'll forget it and he can keep it to himself if he likes it;)