Masquerader Chap. 3

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Maliel is a country that has been taken over by the growing Durtianian Empire. The Masquerader is a masked vigilante that attacks the Durtanian army. A rebel group plans action but has yet to acutally do anything. Camden Bartolv was arrested at on of the secret meetings because there was a spy in their midst. Camden was sentenced to death and was supposed to be hanged at dawn, but the Masquerader and another ally saved the day. Now, he's hurt.

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The soldier that had been ridiculed by his fellows and given ten extra lashes for being the one to shoot the gun that had freed Camden Bartolv slunk out of the castle ground into the frigid evening, dressed in civilian clothing. Only his prominent, Duritanian nose, tan skin, and black hair made him different from the fair, Maliean peasants who were all given light pigmentation. They wore pale skin and light hair and eyes that were either blue or green. The Terribles hated them. Just like they hated the people of the east, the Condrairians were clothed in their ebony skin and golden eyes.
He walked with a slouch and kept his hands in his trouser pockets, brushing against the handle of a knife. The city was dangerous for Duritanians. Any city was dangerous to the cruel soldiers, but these white people hid a passion, a rage that was uncontested by any other race the young man had met. He darted into an alley and scanned the gloom for any attackers, before continuing into the dark.
He would be suspected as a traitor now, but she knew how to play the Terribles. She wouldn't recruit him for another month or two and then she would appear in the little room he paid an elderly inn keeper for. Tonight, he would find a bag of gold resting on his dresser with the next list of possible locations of his wife, a local of one of the countries the Empire had taken.
A fluttering in a black corner caught his eye. He revealed the shining blade of his weapon and came closer.
A cloak covered the body and shadowed the head. The soldier overcame his distaste and crouched beside the figure. He moved the torso so the poor man's back was resting, flat against the damp, cold stone of the alleyway. The hood fell back, and he gasped.
A mask leered up at him with cheeks that could have been pink with the winter and laughing, green eyes that still held a touch of cold calculation, Maliean eyes.
The soldier looked back to the entrance of the alley and picked the Masquerader up, carefully. She moaned quietly and shivered. He felt the warm, thick liquid that had soaked through her tunic and cloak and felt chilling fear. The Masquerader could not die. Maliel wouldn't have a chance... and neither would his wife.
The sun gave up the last bit of sky it had managed to hold onto and let it darken into a deep purple. The pink clouds that still reflected the light not seen were the only things that could remember its warmth. As the clouds forgot as well, the soldier put the hood back in place and moved farther into the shadows of the alley.
Ranael sighed and moved slightly in the soldier's arms.
He quickened his pace, glancing around to see if anyone was in the shadows to witness him, a Duritanian, aid the Masquerader, and whispered reassuring nothings.
...

Rostoloff smiled largely at Camden and couldn't stop. “I thought ya were dead, Camden. I thought ya would perish, and all of Maliel would be doomed. The Masquerader, 'e's nothing. All 'e does is kill a few soldiers 'ere and there. You're the true hero, Camden.”
Camden laughed and replied, “Dear God, man, get a grip on yourself. You sound like some maid with her first lover.” His dark eyes clouded, and he murmured, “I owe that man my life.”
Rostoloff sighed and went along with the forlorn mood. “Soon, 'e'll owe you his country.” He grinned again. “We've got a plan, Camden.” He chuckled loudly, as he did most everything else, and rose quickly. He opened a drawer on his desk and took out the documents he and Camden had worked on for the past month. “We have battle strategy. We have weapons. We have men. We have passion. The Duritanians don't have that. Their soldiers don't care. It's a job, a way to get their gold. They want to go home. We want our home back.”
The volume of his voice intensified with his excitement. His light blue, almost gray eyes burned with zeal for the revolution. “We don't need a masked man. 'e's little more than a coward. The peasants will forget him when we're wiping out platoons of men a day.” He scoffed at Camden's frown and slammed his palm against the rough table. “Oh, Camden. I know you've dreamt about it. Damn it, you've been seeing it through the eyes of an awake man! The Masquerader is nothing. 'e'll disappear into myth when the Terribles and the peacekeepers get too close. Ya, ya'll be in the history books. Towns'll be named after ya. Royalty from everywhere'll come to ya for advice, and ya'll be ruler here. Maliel'll flourish under yer watchful eye. That horrid royal family, the Lalreors, will be gone. The queen that gave ya such a hard time, that pushed fer yer execution'll be placed in exile. We'll be more than the power we once were. Can ya see it, Camden? Or am I talking o' nothin'? Don't ya recognize yer own vision?”
Camden was beginning to smirk at his friend's speech, paling when a sturdy knock sounded on the door. Fear, cursed fear, icy cold, raced through his veins, and he whispered, “My friend, I am a danger to you. Let me leave.”
“Nonsense! Where'd ya go? Ya'll stay here. Let me chase off the bugger.” He left his kitchen and peered out his front window.

The soldier banged on the door again and sighed in relief when the door opened. Thank God.
Rostoloff peered out of the door and blocked it with his considerable girth. “What ya want, Duritanian? I've paid m' taxes.” He studied the mass in the man's arms and frowned.
“You're a doctor, aren't you?” He held her tighter when she murmured and cried out. “I don't care about Bartolv. Keep him. Good luck to you, but take her. She's one of your kind.”
“And how d' I know this ain't some sneaky Duritanian trick.”
The soldier sighed in exasperation and shouted, despite his fears of being caught by one of his fellows in the doorway of one of the most infamous Malieans, “My God! Just take 'er! I can't take care o' 'er, and she needs a doc. She ain't no Duritanian. I promise ya, on m' wife's soul.” He roughened his own tongue with the Maliean accent to make himself a bit more familiar.
Rostoloff glanced out at the street and ran a hand over his face. “Fine. But I swear, on m' own wife's grave, that if this is a trick, ya won't live past the sunset of tomorrow. Let me see 'is face.” He sighed and shook his head. He had to take in every skinny mutt. He stared when the hood was lifted for a moment. “Bloody 'ell.”
The soldier stiffened. “I can't care for 'er, doc. I need you to take 'her.”
“Bloody 'ell,” he repeated and looked up at the soldier. “Why ain't 'e in the dungeons right now?”
He shrugged. “Call me a supporter.”
Rostoloff snorted in disbelief but held out his arms. “I suppose I can take 'im.” He took the Masquerader, shutting the door without a goodbye or a hostile comment and carried her into the kitchen.
Camden stood and barely kept his mouth closed. “What is this, Rostoloff?”
“This, old boy, is the Masquerader.”

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Last edited by megsug on Thu Jun 16, 2011 2:19 pm, edited 9 times in total.
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Hey, Meg. I apologize for being late. Here I am.

So, there aren't many parts where I would nitpick with this. You do a good job with the description and plot but there are parts where I just don't fin my self very interested. I think that is because it's been a long time since I've read your novel. That also leads to some confusion as to what was happening. Aren't you working a different novel too? The two seem to collide in my head and it makes me double question what I'm reading.

There wasn't much to this chapter that I would point out. Although, I do think there are parts where you overdo the descriptions. That makes you piece hard to get into and difficult to stay focused. Some description is alright, it's good but don't spend a paragraph explaining eyes or somethings. Try to keep it light and less fluffy. More action to entice readers and keep them hooked. Unfortunately, I can't really comment on plot since I'm a bit lost in the story now, I do remember bits and pieces of it but it's been a long time and I don't feel like critiquing this if I don't have some firm foundation of what is going on. Yes, I could go back and reread the previous chapters but I'm far too busy to do that right now. With that being said, sorry for this lame review. I shall make it up next time. I'm giving you a free review coupon (like they're hard to get) for whenever. =)


-Shear
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Hi! :) Sorry for being so late with this.

Anyway, this story is continuing to be good, especially with the plot developments in this chapter. I'm looking forward to seeing how it pans out with the Marauder being in Camden and Rosteloff's care.

Critiquewise, I'm afraid I can't think of that much to comment on. I'm sorry, and I probably say that every chapter, but this is for the most part well written and engrossing, and I don't think there are any overall things that really need changing with this chapter.

I did find the parts in italics about Ranael a bit confusing - is she the Queen/Marauder? Or am I wildly off there. I suppose you want to keep it a mystery for now and that's fair enough, because it's definitely making me eager to find out more, but I'm not sure about the way you have it in small segments, interspersed with the main story. There doesn't seem to be any particular reason for the structure, any connection between the main action and the flashback/other storyline (although I suppose there might be) and it makes both storylines somewhat choppy. Unless you're aiming to do something specific by switching between the two I think it might work better to just have one then the other, that way neither of them are getting interrupted. Of course, this is just a suggestion, so feel free to ignore it. :P

The part where Rastaloff had a speech was a massive thick paragraph and I found it a bit offputting. I think splitting it up somewhere in the middle might help make it a bit more easily digestible. And also, Rastaloff's accent wasn't really sounding believable to me. He mostly talked in a formal, educated, old fashioned way:

Royalty from everywhere will come to you for advice, and you will be ruler here. Maliel with flourish under your watchful eye. That horrid royal family, the Lalreors, will be gone.

and then there are occasional bits where he speaks with an accent, sounding more like a rough peasant:

'E's little more than a coward

On the one hand you don't want to lay the accent on too thickly, but on the other hand having so little accent and only inserted occasionally means that it stands out like a sore thumb when it's there, and doesn't fit with the tone of the rest of his speech. I think it might be better the rest of his speech was a little more rough and abbreviated ('you'll' instead of 'you will' etc, I mean. Not sure if abbreviated is the right word, but yeah) so that it's more consistant.

Really though I'm just rambling on about small things here because this was one of the best chapters so far, and I enjoyed it. Let me know when you post the next chapter, and keep writing! :smt003




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Sweet. :D

This chapter seemed fairly short, but I still enjoyed very much. :) So, the Masquerader is the queen... yay! *smiles wide with joy* She's taking care of her country! I wonder what Camden's reaction will be when he finds out... :)

I'm starting to like Rosteloff a lot. I got into the excitement when he spoke about all the great things that could/will happen. I felt so happy for his joy and I don't want it to be crushed. I liked how you said "Camden was beginning to smirk at his friend's speech, paling when a sturdy knock sounded on the door." I was starting to smirk too. :)

I thought it was interesting and confusing when Queen Ranael/Masquerader was being carried by the Duritan soldier to help. I began to think that the man who she was thinking of was the soldier. But you made it understandable enough - she was/is dying, she's going to be delusional. It also makes me wonder who that man was to her... *DeadEnds sits back in chair and goes deeply in thought* You make this really interesting,fun and mysterious when I read this. Bravo! :D

Keep Writing!
~DeadEnds
"If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it." ~Toni Morrison




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Hey there!

Okay, so first of all, I'm a little confused about all of the political stuff. The Duritian army is invading, taking over... yet the Maliean queen is still ruling. And the rebels are trying to take over that? I can figure out enough on my own to follow this but... I don't really know what's going on, not really. Because right now, it's like the Duritans and the Maliean government are both after the rebels, the rebels and the Duritans are both after the Maliean government, and the Maliean government is just running itself into the ground.

Okay, so I'm not going to do a line-by-line, because, frankly, that's a little exhausting if you're in the state I currently hold. And also, you don't really need one. I really like this chapter. Really good, I think. I'm excited to see what happens once Camden and Rostolof realize that the Masquerader is Ranael.

There are only a couple things to point out, actually. Like, I know you're going for an accent, but all the 'e's and 'ers and 'ells are starting to get bloody annoying. I mean, not enough to make me stop reading, but I'd make the difference in speech the word choice, not the pronunciation. And the fact that the soldier started speaking like a Maliean... weird. O.o

Another thing: is the Masquerader wearing makeup or something? I think you said that, but I'm not sure, and it made the whole "looking into the cloak and realizing it's the Masquerader but not realizing it's the queen" thing a little interesting. As in, I had to think a little when reading it. I still followed, but as a general rule, if a reader has to think to follow a story, it's going to take them away from the story itself, which is a bad thing.

And lastly, for the italics, I know it's stupid, but you have to italicize all the lines in the memory or dream or whatever, otherwise it'll just do the first one. I know when you preview it shows them all, but this has happened to me a lot, so I would know. Do all of it, and you'll be fine.

Okay, I lied - this is the last thing. When switching viewpoints abruptly (as in the solder/Ranael to Camden, since you completely changed the scenery) I'd say either add some more line breaks, or do a "..." kind of thing between.

So, not my best review (I really am tired) but I like this. Interesting story. Well thought out characters. Descriptions get a little hard to follow sometimes, but that can get fixed as you improve then come back and edit.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Why hello there, I'm known as cruel to be kind, so don't expect anything other than straight to the point comments from me. Well then, we must go on with the show!

The soldier that had been ridiculed by his fellows and given ten extra lashes for being the one to shoot the gun that had freed Camden Bartolv, slunk out of the castle ground into the frigid evening, dressed in civilian clothing.


This... why the insanely hard to pronounce words? Making pretty names for everyone isn't going to make your story any better, just more confusing.

Only his prominent, Duritanian nose, tan skin, and black hair made him different from the fair, Maliean peasants who were all given light pigmentation.


Generally, when I read an "only" it means only one or two things, not a whole list of nearly every characteristic of this character.

They wore pale skin and light hair and eyes that were either blue or green. The Terribles hated them. Just like they hated the people of the east, the Condrairians were clothed in their ebony skin and golden eyes.


They wore them? So, how does this work? The race goes around killing people, skinning them and wearing their skin? Also - Terribles? Please, tell me this is pronounced Ter-ri-blay; not how it's written. I'm sorry, but the title of Terribles for a type/group of people... no, don't do it.

He walked with a slouch and kept his hands in his trouser pockets, brushing against the handle of a knife.


I'm not sure a person would keep a knife in their trouser pocket. Especially a young man. :/

Any city was dangerous to the cruel soldiers, but these white people hid a passion, a rage that was uncontested by any other race the young man had met.


Uhhh, I was under the impression that this character was tanned... not of a different skin type.

He would be suspected as a traitor now, but she knew how to play the Terribles. She wouldn't recruit him for another month or two and then she would appear in the little room he paid an elderly inn keeper for.


She? Who? You just suddenly start talking about a she... at first I thought it was a typo, but you keep talking about a she.

He revealed the shining blade of his weapon and came closer.


Revealed isn't a very good word for this situated. Withdrew, pulled out - something else.

The soldier overcame his distaste and crouched beside the figure.


What distaste? There was no evident emotion from the soldier. P.S, does this soldier have a name? Why are you just referring to him as "soldier"?

A mask leered up at him with cheeks that could have been pink with the winter and laughing, green eyes that still held a touch of cold calculation,; Maliean eyes.


Don't get confused between places for semi-colons and places for commas.

He felt the warm, thick liquid that had soaked through her tunic and cloak and felt chilling fear.


It took me a while to realise this liquid was blood. Maybe make it a bit clearer?

The sun gave up the last bit of sky it had managed to hold onto and let it darken into a deep purple. The pink clouds that still reflected the light not seen were the only things that could remember its warmth. As the clouds forgot as well, the soldier put the hood back in place and moved farther into the shadows of the alley.


"As the sun gave up the last bit of sky that it had managed to cling onto, the blue darkened into a deep purple. The pink clouds, the only things which could remember the warmth, reflected the unseen light and soon the they themselves forgot the feeling of the sun's embrace. The solider put the hood back in place and moved farther into the shadows of the alley."

This is what I think this part should sound like. You have far too many breaks and you seem to forget how to use "and".

Gunshots. The twang of a bow releasing an arrow. Ranael looked around, confused, scared. A gentle hand caressed her cheek, and she jerked back.


Wha-? I don't... what is this? Where did this come from? What just happened? Is she imagining this and the next few paragraphs?

“Show yourself!” she cried hysterically, wanting to see her murderers before she perished.


A white face appeared with blue ribbons trailing from it.


At this moment in time, all I saw was someone's face covered in talcum powder with blue pieces of ribbon sticky-taped to their face. This is probably not the image you wanted to convey. Please reconsider your description in this sentence.

Rostoloff smiled largely at Camden and couldn't stop. “I thought ya were dead, Camden. I thought ya would perish, and all of Maliel would be doomed. The Masquerader, 'e's nothing. All 'e does is kill a few soldiers 'ere and there. You're the true hero, Camden.”


What is this!? Where is this? Did you just go somewhere else? Are these meant to be fragmented paragraphs that don't follow any linear path? Because if they are, then you've succeeded well.

Damn it, you've been seeing it through the eyes of an awake man!


I'm having trouble believing this man's speech. He talks with words like "ya'll" and "'e'll", but then he goes and uses an "an" before an "a" word. Doesn't seem very likely, love.

Thank God.


This story is not first person. Who thought this?

Overall:

To be completely honest with you, I didn't like it. Maybe it's because I haven't read the previous chapters, but I wouldn't continue reading this from here. Your writing improved once you got the flow going during this chapter, though I don't really like the style of your writing; for some reason or other, your style irks me - but each to their own. Anyway, you need to make sure your switching of places/times aren't mixed in together. I got so confused reading this. Everything was mixed in with each other and I was having a heck of a time trying to figure stuff out.

Plot-wise: It's alright so far. Nothing interesting, but nothing to complain about. I think you need to either darken this chapter with more angst, lighten it up with some humour or liven it up with some action. Make it interesting.

I hope this helped.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.

I hope this
Dynamic Duo AWAY!!!

A computer once beat me at chess. It was no match for me at kick boxing.

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"And I wish you didn't have Satan's curly red hair," - Ned Flanders.



Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.
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