That was confusing. Alot of it makes no sense and I had to ask you about it. I also think you need to clarify that Aether is a boy. I had no idea. And, why are her collection and her friends two differnt things? If he thinks his friends are still there because of his collection, then why are they two things? One more, does he stab Marika? Didn't any of his friends tell his stabbing wasn't nice? Thats it. Once you clarified, I really liked it.
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me
You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland
It makes sense to me PippiChan. Somehow. ....Sort of. Okay maybe not but still! Anyway the point is that is a story from the view point of a clueless person, the descriptions and all of that are from Aethers point of view, and HE doesn't know what he's doing is wrong or any of that, so he from inside his head it doesn't seem that way. That's why I said to read it until you figure it out, and if you don't understand than too bad. It's supposed to be story that makes you think, GOT IT?! And yes i guess I should've clarified that Aether is a boy, just because he had long hair at first doesn't make him a girl. ......Hang on, it does hint at him being a boy. Somewhere. At least I think so. Spoiler
As for the collection, they are two different things, but it's sort of like he eventually loses his friends in one way or another since he's something like immortal and his friends aren't, but since he's never died he doesn't comprehend death. So when his friends die he thinks they're still there with him. Hence the whole 'cold hands' thing, it's basically hinting that all his 'friends' are actually inanimate objects that he considers to be the people he knew(who are now dead). So they refer to the same thing, but they aren't the same. 'The Collection' is just a title. ^^ And yes he did stab her. Okaaaay??? I don't want to explain this too much you know. It takes away from thinking about it yourself.
But I'm glad you liked it.
Last edited by DoomBlade87 on Fri May 06, 2011 8:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I would never share my candy with you. You're not crazy enough. "Insanity is not a curse, it's a privilege."- ME
Let me begin by saying Doom when people spend time to review a piece, you shouldn't be condescending, especially as this piece is very ambigious and if someone doesn't understand it, you can't tell them to think, it's mean spirited. Anyway, I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer.
To begin with I didn't like this piece, there wasn't enough description of the house, and it all seemed pretentious. For instance I'm writing from a similar POV and way I did it was make everything seem slightly different. If the person isn't experienced of human life then obviously he'd perceive things rather differently. That isn't to say you don't try, but it's not enough, you need to go more into character, try explain an origin or subtly hint. I got most of his friends are dead, although, from collection to friends, you made no real constant sense.
To put it bluntly, this is chaotic, it has promise, but you go on too much about this person being incapable, and him killing only person to visit him seems harsh and it came out of nowhere. I understand what you were trying to go for, Lenny in Of Mice and Men killing Curley's wife accidentally, but this came across as nonsensical and rushed. The logic of why Lenny killed Curley's wife was because he couldn't figure out why she got so afraid, he tried to muffle her screams in desperation, but ended up suffocating her.
This scene made sense, but in comparison, your scene seems random and haphazard, it comes right out of left field and just seems trying to add drama in without actually working.
Other than what I've said, nothing much stood out for me. The idea intrigued me, don't mistake that, but it was just too chaotic and instead try work on improving the prose and making it seem less like it's been thrown together in a hurry, your most powerful bits were when he was with the human, you worked well with it, which why the death annoyed me, seemed totally devoid and pointless.
Hope this helps.
You poor take courage You rich take care This earth was made a common treasury For everyone to share All things in common All people one We come in peace The orders came to cut them down
Am I? I don't mean to be. Honestly I think I say things like that just to try and cover for just how atrocious I was on the details and the story in general. >< Ho well. It is indeed chaotic, it isn't really easy to write from the viewpoint of someone insane, since I try to describe things the way said insane person views them. The Collection was kind of off the top of my head, but it was just more of my trying to get the point across that Aether does not understand, or cannot comprehend death. When his friends die he doesn't realize it, and his memory or just everything he ever felt towards them gets transferred onto an object that kind of represents them, like a keepsake or a memento. This was kind of hard to get across since while Aether perceives them as almost living things the reader needs to understand that they are just objects, and Aether also seems to realize this to some degree and generally considers them his property. Does that make sense? Probably not. >< Marika was also a character I created only for the purpose of dying in the first chapter when I first wrote this to be a full length story. I wanted to show the audience just how crazy Aether really was, with the not comprehending death and voices in his head and all that. It didn't come out as well as I'd hoped, but I tried. Thank you for yur review, Rite on.
Last edited by DoomBlade87 on Fri May 06, 2011 8:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I would never share my candy with you. You're not crazy enough. "Insanity is not a curse, it's a privilege."- ME
