crying on the cross

rememberme wrote:And before his last breath has been breathed I hear him whisper "Forgive them father for they do not know what they have done"

Beautiful. This is so beautiful. I'm happy someone could capture this and put it into words, I can't. I love how Jesus was the center of your poem. I really apprechiate it. This poem should be sent into an agency, just think about it. I love how this was written.

Good Luck and keep writing!
-Soggy

Hey there! Normally, I would avoid a poem like this, but I scanned the reviews you've received, and it seems that there's much that you can do to make this a great poem that has not been pointed out. Before I start, just remember that this is a literary review, so don't get mad. Okay, so:

Below, you'll see the entire poem in a quote box with corrections and changes made where I see fit. I'm going to ask for several things from this poem because, if you do this as a form of worship, I think you should aim for perfection.

Step One: This poem, as it stands, shows a lack of ability to show and not tell. You have some powerful descriptions in the piece, but they're marred by the tags at the beginnings of the lines that say "I see"/"I hear", etc. I want you to try showing me the scene without giving me a second-person account of the event. Give me power. Give me gore. Give me the epitome of sacrifice that stirs masses to tears. As it stands, you fail at doing so. There was one description--and only one--that made me feel something:

The ghosts of a thousand soldiers whispering down his back.

Wonderfully done. And do you know why? Because you show me and don't just tell me. That line can be fixed, however, because there's a style error that I'll point out below.

Step Two: Break the poem into stanzas. No one likes reading walls of text. The task of creating stanzas, however, implies that you'll have to be consistent in your wording and lines. It's not a hard task. Just try it.

Step Three: Use dialog-signaling quotation marks when someone speaks. The line I referenced above about the soldiers has a line following it that would haunt the reader if marked as if the soldiers spoke the word. And what word is that? "Savior." Just writing words doesn't constitute an emotional stirring or a religious experience. As I said before, try to make it worth your god's time--and my time as well.

Step Four: Capitalize the title.

The edited version:

I see him with his arms hanging unto the wooden cross.
Nailed. <---Try moving this somewhere else. I hate this gap in the spacing.
I hear the screaming of his mother.

I can feel the weight of the world pressing down on his shoulders.
The ghosts of a thousand soliders whispering down his back,
"Savior."

I see the tears drop from his brown face, swiftly.
I see the hurt that seeps through his moans and yelps.
Forgive.

Hit a power chord in this stanza. I dare you. Rearrange your phrasing and make this stanza as strong as it can be. Take out pointless and awkward words, too.

I watch the clouds gather up in front of the sun as rain beats down on this dry ground.
I watch the other two men stare death straight in the eye.
I see the man in the middle stare to the heavens.
Worship.

Cheesy. This stanza is shaky as it is. As I remember, this part of the crucifixion was epic as far as natural disasters go. Try those on for size.

I see deciples bow at his feet as the whip cracks on his back.
I feel the blood bubble to the surface of his worn skin.
Forgotten.

Please use stronger verbs. You've 'seen' so many things now. Just start showing. And 'bubble' is just... Just don't use it.

I hear people shout cries of joy as he aproaches death.
I see people fall to their knees and bow their heads low and clasps their hands.
I watch as he breathes sin into his lungs and sacrifices his life.
For us.

And before his last breath has been breathed I hear him whisper,
"Forgive them father for they do not know what they
have done"

The ending is weak.

In general, that's as much as I can offer for this poem. Try to doctor it up and make it snazzy, and PM me when it's updated!

-Lumi

this is AMAZING! its descriptive and its about JESUS for crying out loud! I've never seen anything like it and think its probably the best poem I've read (not including the stuff I've written(JOKE)) and wish you luck in your

hard times

This was a nice poem; unlike a lot of religious pieces on the site it isn't preachy or offensive to other religions - like I believe Christianity itself should be, it is good-natured and pure. It talks about one of the most influencial (if not THE most influencial) pieces in the Bible and shows all the elements that make faith what it is. And are you new to the site? Wow!
I thought this was really nice.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

thank you and yes feel free to share with whoever you please(: thank you all for commenting. But, someone tell me if your work is in "feature work" what does that mean exactly?

Really great and discriptive. I am a Christian and I love the way that you expressed Jesus's emotions. Alot of people sometimes forget that he had them, I think.

Homepage wrote:The Featured Works section displays the five most popular works over the past three days as judged by the number of 'Likes' each has received in those three days."

So at this moment in time, you have the most likes over the past three days. Well done

my friend this is a beautiful poem it really brings home the emotions of own lord and saviours death. the descriptives really touched a nerve and put a knot in my stomach. im not just saying this because i'm a Christian but this is my favourite poem on this site. keep up the outstanding work

This was an amazing poem. I cried the first time I've read it, you captured the beauty and the sorrow, and everything about the Savior's death. I have reread it over and over again and I know its definetly one of my favorites I've seen on here. Great job. (:

AWWWW you cried?! OMG that touched my heart, and I'm so glad it touched yours! Thank you so much for reading it, and thank you so much for loving it!:D

This is an amazing poem, you have captured every aspect of what happened that day. It is so symbolic to so many people and you just made it simple and plain to see. But you also gave it that quality of a poem. Great Job keep on writing your awesome at it.

I really like this poem. The words inbetween the verses made more of an impact and was like a verse in themselves.

rememberme wrote:Nailed.

Savior.

Forgive.

Worship.

Forgotten.

For us.

And it was very beautifully done

very cool poem it fits this season well and the title is what cought my eye first