crying on the cross

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I see him with his arms hanging unto the wooden cross.
Nailed.
I hear the screaming of his mother.
I can feel the weight of the world pressing down on his shoulders.
The ghosts of a thousand soliders whispering down his back.
Savior.
I see the tears drop from his brown face, swiftly.
I see the hurt that seeps through his moans and yelps.
Forgive.
I watch the clouds gather up in front of the sun as rain beats down on this dry ground.
I watch the other two men stare death straight in the eye.
I see the man in the middle stare to the heavens.
Worship.
I see deciples bow at his feet as the whip cracks on his back.
I feel the blood bubble to the surface of his worn skin.
Forgotten.
I hear people shout cries of joy as he aproaches death.
I see people fall to their knees and bow their heads low and clasps their hands.
I watch as he breathes sin into his lungs and sacrifices his life.
For us.
And before his last breath has been breathed I hear him whisper "Forgive them father for they do not know what they have done"




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The beauty and the sadness of our Savior's death, you've captured both. Well done!
I'm not the best person to corrected poetry so I won't. I just wanted you to know that I read it and was greatly moved. Thank you for writing it. <3

~Pro




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This is great. Not just for a novice. For anyone. Has a great flow for free form. I especially like how every few lines you have the single word line. That was a stroke of genius. The emotions are great, very raw and powerful. They depict Jesus's death both evocatively and touchingly.

The ghosts of a thousand soliders whispering down his back. I love this line.


I see the hurt that seeps through his moans and yelps. I would use "pain" instead of "hurt" here. Also, the word "yelps" kind of detracts from the overall grace of the poem. Try something a little more eloquent.


I see deciples bow at his feet as the whip cracks on his back. I believe it's spelled "disciples." XD


I watch as he breathes sin into his lungs and sacrifices his life. Another line I really like.


And before his last breath has been breathed I hear him whisper "Forgive them father for they do not know what they have done" Since it's extremely long, this would look better divided into two lines, the first ending with "whisper" and the second beginning with "Forgive."


Once again, good job; and I hope this helped! :D
You must be swift as the coursing river,
With all the force of a great typhoon,
With all the strength of a raging fire,
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.




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Thank you, and yeah I'm not the best speller(: haha, but I'm glad you were moved and that you both loved the poem. It means alot to me. Thank you both.
(: <3




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This is wonderful, rememberme! Really Good! I'm glad to read this kind of poetry! I love it, since I'm a Jesus freak/fan/lover! I was thinking maybe you're interested in following/joining this: page.php?id=176 (God has more followers) :D
Keep writting :)
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."




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This was really, really, really good. I could feel everything you were describing and I could see it in my head. You definatly captured that day very well. Thank you for writing this. :)
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*REMOVED FOR OFFENSE*
Last edited by LookUpThere on Sat Nov 06, 2010 8:46 am, edited 2 times in total.




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TheNewHero,
I wrote this because I am going through a hard time in my life and I thought of all the suffering Jesus went through just so I could live and repent. I like it the way it is. This wasnt meant to be perfect, none of us are. I wrote what I was feeling, and that is how it is written. I just wrote, got on my computer and spilled my heart out about our saviors death. I'm sorry if your not pleased with the way I told it, but if that's the case then write your own. Thank you for giving me all the advice, but I dont want it when it comes to this poem. I like it the way it is, and other people like it too. I know its not perfect, but I'm only 16 haha I'm not Nicholas Sparks here. If you ask me, it was really good, probably some of the best work I've done. With all due respect, I really didnt apperciate that you called my poem "tacky" or that you would even mention that word after reading this. Tacky is the last thing this is and I'm very offened and it was rude.




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This is amazing! It is so descriptive, and actually quite difficult to read - but that's exactly how it should be, I think.
I disagree with that long review you got, you should take no notice because that person is telling you what to write, like he is telling you to describe the crowd and the reason Jesus is crying - you don't have to. It's your poem. I think it is really really good, and I honestly can't believe someone aged 16 can write that. It is completely timeless. Obviously there are spelling errors, and some lines could be shorter/longer, but the content makes up for that.
I wasn't born to mourn, but I mourn the day
I stand here alone:
Fighting my heart for dreams, my mind for hope




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This is beautiful. I am a christian, I believe in god but sometimes I wonder about Jesus. But I loved this poem. It was beautiful, almost like something my church paster would read to everyone. I loved it, it was beautiful, it was incredible.

I know this is no help, but I just thought I'd put that out there.
Live, Love, Laugh




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Don't get me wrong, I really love the poem. It is awesome. I just thought it could be better. But it is your poem. I didn't mean to offend you or tell you what to do with your poem. I guess I misinterpreted, my fault. You don't have to take any of the advice I wrote there, it's just what I thought could have made it more descriptive. Anyway, I apologize. I wasn't calling your poem tacky, I was just saying that that's how some people might think and that a way you could get out of that is to use 3rd Person. Sorry. And I am actually one of the people that Likes this poem.




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That. was. AWESOME!!! Seriously, reading it brought tears to my eyes. I think it is perfect just the way it was written. I could seriously see this being made into a song, published on the radio. Do you mind if I share this with some Christian friends? I know they would love it as well. This was just amazing. Thanks for posting




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I think everyone has pretty much pointed out everything I saw in it error wise. I still thought it was amazing! Really. I have read poems before about our Saviour and how someone "feels" it and somehow experiences his pain and I usually hate them because honestly, how do you honestly know what it feels like. I like how you did that in a way but not in an overpowering way, you mostly make it seem like you were a crowd member, watching and experiencing it in that way.Congratulations on being the first person to write one that I like, no love! :)
Your motor's unstable,
Your like an
Undwinding
Cable
Car
.




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WOW.. that is all i can say.
Beautiful poem. Nice view of our Savior's death, and our new life. Wonderful.
You have blessed yet another Jesus freak.Yeah, baby!
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This is one amazing poem. Your a really good poet and this poem says it. Keep writing!!! :D
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.



I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart; I am, I am, I am.
— Sylvia Plath