Alezrani Chapter 3(Summary included)

Author's Note This story in a non-linear format, so if you're get confused that's ok. It's my first time writing in such a format, so I don't know how it will turn out.I have three storylines currently. The first one takes place in the present, the second in the past and the third in the future. Enjoy!
This is a summary/synopsis of the previous chapters. It is short and not very detailed. I give you the essentials here. If you get confused, please read the author's note in chapter 1. Seres and Wolf haven't seen each other in twenty years. In the present Wolf has found Seres and told him that he has a part of Seres' soul in the compass that he was carrying. Seres is skeptical, but eventually absorbs the part of his soul that was in the compass. In the past, Wolf has been searching for Seres. He finds an anomaly on a planet called Zeyaethay. The last scene is a repeat of the first scene in chapter one, but from Wolf's side.

Six months after present; six months in the future
Galaia was an almost barren planet. The singularity had destroyed most of the plants that grew on the planet. The only plants remaining were in the only temple in Galaia. The Brightstar temple on Galaia had been abandoned since the Cataclysm. The singularity had sliced through the outer wall before running out of power. A small hole in the inner wall marked the place it had started to slice through; the rest of the temple was still intact. Ivy covered part of the inner wall, stopping at the dark brown ring that marked the place where the outer wall should have been. Bushes lined the remnants of the outer wall, twisting together to form a green wall separating the temple from the outside. Inside the temple stood the altar of the stars still intact. It consisted of two golden stars surrounded by black rings. In the center of the first star glimmered a stone. It had an hourglass marking upon it. A hand picked it up, the stone revealing its rainbow in the light.
"Did you find anything," a baritone voice called.
"Yeah," the hand holding the stone shook," I think I found the last piece, Wolf." Footsteps rounded the corner and Wolf came into view. He looked frazzled, dust and grime floating away from his clothes.
"Are you sure, Seres," he asked. He stared at the stone in Seres’s hand. It didn’t look strong enough to hold the last piece of Seres’s soul.
"It has an hourglass on it…one of my symbols," Seres said.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm still Alezrani; the hourglass and infinity are two of the Elaragnian symbols, which make them, mine."
"Can you extract it? And why would be in a stone?" Seres passed his hand over it; the stone glowed red.
"There’s a shield over it"
"The collective?"
Seres fingered the stone absently, "No, it feels" He paused, trying to find the right words. “Protective, it feels protective.”
"Protective?" Wolf tugged the stone out of Seres' hand. He murmured a word; the red nimbus around the stone grew brighter. He handed it back, "I can't get it out,” he looked at the broken columns, “we should call Crane.”
Seres' fingers curled around the stone, "I thought you didn't want to involve her in this?"
"Her specialty is in breaking barriers"
Seres frowned, "I wonder-" He broke off, gazing at the stone.
"What," Wolf asked. Seres didn't answer. He stared intently into the stone, which began to vibrate in his palm. The red nimbus disappeared. A silver-sapphire ball rose out of the stone. Tendrils of light ran up his wrist, stretching to curl around his neck. They shimmered briefly before sinking beneath his skin. Seres screamed, dropping the stone.
Wolf placed a hand on his shoulder, "Are you all right?" Seres looked at him blearily before collapsing.


Twilight revealed the temple's namesake, a bright star called Lanta. Wolf paced, occasionally shivering, watching the shadows lengthen and stop short of the altar. The altar glowed, the bright star directly above the bronze stars. The light, stone, steps and silence blended. The moon fell; the sun rose and Seres woke.
"How long was I out," he rasped, sitting up slowly.
"A couple of hours," Wolf pulled out a canteen and handed it to him. Seres took it, nodding his thanks. He took a sip and forced himself to his feet, "It's over; I'm complete." He smiled, the first real smile that Wolf had seen in over twenty years. Wonderful. He found himself smiling back.
"We're ok now," he asked, hope coloring his voice. Shadows crept into Seres' smile, the sunlight seeming harsher. Wolf's fingers curled around the crystal in his pocket.
"No," Seres murmured, fingers idly tracing the ivy covering the temple walls, "not quite."
Wolf took a step back, "What do you mean? We found all the pieces. " Seres laughed and stepped forward, cat stalking prey. Hunter. Wolf took another step back.
"You understand many things Akian," Seres said and the knowledge that he is in trouble crashed into his brain; Seres had never used his real name before only his nickname.
"Then what," Wolf's voice quavered at the last word and he took another step back.
"You still don't understand the pain, the feeling of the hollow place where something should be…" The compass was in front of him, blindingly bright. It glowed rainbow, the light reaching out toward him. He felt it hook, coil around his soul. He felt the tearing, the sharp pain, the hollow feeling, the things he had felt before.
"Now do you understand," Seres whispered, Wolf's soul in his hands. Wolf knows, understands and hates himself for it. He screams.

I think you have too much dialogue and not enough description. Reading that, I just felt confused, and sort of lost. What you should do is slow it down, really get into what your character is thinking, what they are feeling. You want readers to relate to your characters, but we don't know anything about your characters so we can't relate. Add their personalities through the writing.

I hope that helped
~WickedWonder

Hey there.

So, I think I like where this story is going, and I can see how it has potential. You've created some interesting little characters that I know I'd love to read more about. But I agree with wickedwonder - even after reading the summary, I was confused as to what was really going on. I think your summary is fine, but like wickedwonder said, this just needs more.

You've got good dialogue and character interactions, but this good description and showing that will give us a sense of what the characters and setting look and feel like. What is Wolf's reaction when Seres thinks he finds the last piece? What is the night like? Is it cold, windy? Right now I can't picture anything--you're throwing a lot of complex stuff at us without giving time for anything to really sink in.

All in all, I'm very intrigued and I can't wait to see where this goes. PM me if you have any questions or concerns. Thanks for the read. ^_^

-Elinor x

'Lo again.

So, thing with this chapter is lack of detailing and description.
So, there on another planet. Yay. But, please describe the place for us. Show us how it looks, what they're looking for, their emotions. You need to show us a lot more. You have good action, but without good description, it becomes forgettable. And maybe tell us how they travel. This is their future, so maybe you can show a few things have changed since the present.
Seres and Wolf have a good interaction and you develop them pretty well, so that's good.
I do like the last line and I'd love to see how you go on with this. Very interesting, but just work on the description and you'd have a great piece.

~Lava

Hey again!

So, this story continues to be interesting, and I really like the way you described the altar, and the last part about Akian's soul. However, it's also getting quite confusing. Even with the summaries at the beginning of the chapters, I'm having difficulty working out when everything's happening. Admittedly I'm quite slow at this stuff, but still, you won't be able to have summaries at the beginning of each chapter when it's a complete story, and the fact that without them it's very difficult to understand shows that you could do more to make it clear what's going on. I think it would help if you either have a 'however many years later, or earlier' thing before the chapter starts, so readers can try and assemble a timeline in their heads. Either that, or put a date. Jumping around is fine, but if you don't say how far it's jumping and in what direction then what you end up is a load of scenes, with no way to figure out what happens when. The first two matched together well, but this one doesn't so much. Probably it will later on, but at the moment it doesn't really.

The confusion is added to by the fact that it isn't really explained what this last piece is a piece of, or why they need to find it. Keeping some parts of the plot a mystery is one thing, but the way it is at the moment I have no idea what this quest they're on is.

Dialogue is another thing I think you could improve. As Lava mentioned earlier, if someone asks a question then you need to put a question mark in. Apart from that it's mostly fine, but there are a couple of times when punctuation is missing:

"It's blocked off"

Also, some of their conversation reads as almost cryptic, because the reader knows little of what's really going on here, and the dialogue increases the mystery instead of explaining it:

"Can you extract it?" Seres passed his hand over it; the stone glowed red.
"It's blocked off"
"The collective?"

What even is this collective? How are they related to the hourglass thing? You don't have to explain it all at once but a few more hints would be nice.

Lastly, it felt a bit odd to me the way the narration switched to calling Wolf Akian at the end. It's one thing for him to have a different name that Seres calls him at that moment, but if the narration calls him that it feels a bit like suddenly he's a different character, and it's hard to relate Akian to Wolf. I loved the soul extraction scene though, and how you described it.

Overall this chapter is an interesting continuation of the story and had some really good moments in. Still, I do think you need to make it more clear when these events are happening and how they fit into the timeline. And I agree with the other reviewers that more description would be nice. It's good in the first paragraph, but after that there isn't really much description at all. Like Elinor said, it would be nice to have some more detail about what's going on, how they're feeling, etc.

Keep writing! (it feels slightly redundant putting this, seeing as you've already written the next three chapters after this, but oh well. XD)

This Chapter was confusing, but ok. It took me forever to read it. I like it better when you space out your paragraphs, easier for the reader to read and comprehend. This was not your best, but it was good! Can't wait to read more! Keep up the good work!

Wahhh! *Goes and looks at chapter* My formatting got messed up! It's fixed now.

This is a summary/synopsis of the previous chapters. [...] He finds an anomaly on a planet called Zeyaethay. He talks it over with his sister Crane and decides to check it out.

*brain a splode*

This was in the last chapter? I don't remember that happening! D:

Right. Anyway, now I have some more good things to say about your novel so far. I'm starting to like the idea of the multiverse, mainly because of how much descriptive freedom it allows you. A barren planet with a temple (pushing aside the question of what a temple might be doing on an otherwise barren planet) sounds really cool, though I'm not sure how a physics-breaking, cosmos-consuming, star-system-wiping event such as a singularity of any sort, really, would only put a few minor holes in the walls. However! Despite the potential for descriptions that the multiverse allows, you aren't really using it. As others before me have, no doubt, pointed out, you've mostly got dialogue going on, rather than descriptions. This is a shame, because I would really like to see these amazing images you've got going on in your world

Speaking of dialogue, it is perfectly fine to do this:

"Did you find anything?" a baritone voice called.

In other words, your dialogue does not always have to end with a comma in order for the next part of it to make sense. In fact, it's actually worse if you do that. Ending what's obviously a question with a comma looks kind of silly.

Now... it says this is taking place in the future. So have Seres and Wolf already worked out their past differences and are now hunting for souls? Hmm... I'd like to see that described further. On to the next chapter!