Alezrani chapter 1

Hey, Idraax! This is not long. XD So no need to apologize. You should read my and Ignis' works. O_o XD

Okay, here at last as request. Jashy at your service! First, I will point out nitpicks which will be in pinkish font (purple ones means "pay attention!"):

The coffee shop, Esnatzen, was empty when Seres walked in, the moss green carpet shocking his feet.

He didn't feel like sitting down, although the large orange and black armchairs looked comfortable.

No comma needed.

The smells of burnt paper,myrrh,strawberry and coffee drifted out of the closing kitchen door.

Hey, hey...spaces between comma and following word. Like the following:

The smells of burnt paper, myrrh, strawberry and coffee drifted out of the closing kitchen door.

"Hey Zane, what happened this time." Seres sighed.

Zane grinned, shaking some soot out of his fire-colored hair. "Sorry, can't tell you, trade secret, So what do you think?" He pointed at the cup.

~ NP (New paragraph).

Seres eyed it and then Zane's hopeful face.

"Telema."

Don't forget the commas, eh? =))

"One of the tíz város."

Above were examples of the nitpicks that I could get. Your grammar is fairly good, esp. the verb tenses. =))
The thing you should pay attention is your punctuation:

"Sorry,it's a little too strong for me. Zane checked his watch, a large, gaudy thing on his wrist, "It's five thirty; where is the rest of my staff?" Seres glanced around. It was true; the only people working were Zane and the barista boy.

That should be a comma.
But there were times you did it right:

"I give you my word." Seres laughed, causing the barista boy to frown and panda girl to glare. "Sorry," he told them. "Your word," he said to Wolf, "means nothing to me." You betrayed me once. If I let you in you may do it again.

See? Maybe some proof-reading, eh, Idraax?

Five minutes later, he came back with a cup of purple sludge. "Here, the boss wants you to try this." He stared at it with a disgusted look.<space>"I'm glad the boss isn't making me drink that, even if it's on the house." The customer glared at him, the oddly colored, slivery-sapphire, eyes making the boy step back, then he glared at the coffee.

That's all that I could say now, Idraax. I'd try to comment on the story some other time. I couldn't get anything in my head quite well. 0_o Sorry... Oh, don't worry. It's not your writing. It's just me. XD

Keep writing!


~ Jash ♥

Present

The coffee shop, Esnatzen, was empty when Seres walked in; the moss green carpet shocking his feet. Can a carpet shock someone's feet? Did you mean that it felt uncomfortable or strange? He glanced around, eyes resting on the large, oak-colored tables in the center of the shop. He didn't feel like sitting down, although the large You've already mentioned that the tables are large. Naturally, the reader will assume the same goes for the chairs too. orange and black armchairs looked comfortable. Instead, he walked up to the slate gray counter-top and slumped against it, the tips of his black hair touching the counter. He was feeling uneasy today, a nameless feeling Nameless feeling? You mean the uneasiness? That is a feeling you know. spreading through his bones. The barista boy looked at him, rolled his hazel eyes and disappeared into the kitchen. Five minutes later, he came back with a cup of purple sludge, full stop here, not a comma.

"Here, the boss wants you to try this." Start conversations on a new paragraph. He The boystared at it with a disgusted look, again, FULL STOP. "I'm glad the boss isn't making me drink that,' he said, ' I wouldn't even if it's it was on the house." The customer Seres glared at him, the his oddly colored, slivery silvery-sapphire eyes making the boy step back, then he glared at the coffee.

"Well you aren't the boss's best friend," he said sourly, taking a sip. He immediately spat it out, grimacing. An omen, , Seres thought. "He calls this is coffee?! This tastes like-" From this point on I'm going to space out the paragraphs for you, but you need to remember to do this. No one wants to read a jumbled mess.

"Seres! I see you tasted my new blend! How is it?" The boss skated Skated? Excuse me? in from the kitchen, thick, black smoke trailing in his wake. It stained the pumpkin walls and dulled the leaf covered metal tree on the wall behind the counter. The smells of burnt paper, space after a comma. I'll have to do this too.myrrh, strawberry and coffee drifted out of the closing kitchen door.

"Hey Zane, what happened this time," Seres sighed. 'Seres said, sighing'. He can't possible sigh a sentence.

"I was in the kitchen experimenting with some new ingredients," Zane said, brushing some white powder off ofhis apron, "and they caught onfire."

"What new ingredients, ? You put a question mark after a question, not a comma. " Seres asked, trading a nervous glance with the barista boy. They both came to the silent agreement that Zane was crazy enough to keep trying to cook when everyone knew he couldn't.

Zane grinned, shaking some soot out of his fire-colored that isn't very specific. Fire can be red, orange, blue; it's possible to get green and purple and other colours as well. hair, Why do you have such a fascination with commas before sentences?

"Sorry, can't tell you; trade secret, FULL STOP. DO NOT USE A CAPITAL LETTER BEFORE A COMMA. So what do you think?" He pointed at the cup. Seres eyed it and then Zane's hopeful face.

"Sorry,it's a little too strong for me." Zane checked his watch, a large, gaudy thing on his wrist, "It's five thirty; where is the rest of my staff?" Seres said glanceding around. It was true; the only people working were Zane and the barista boy.

"You should call them, boss," the barista boy said. Zane gave him a puzzled look and walked back into the kitchen.

"You're new here," Seres said to the barista boy; it wasn't a question.

"How'd you know?"

Seres laughed, FULL STOP. "No one ever called Zane 'boss' before. Where're you from?

"Telema. FULL STOP."

Seres gave him a blank look, FULL STOP."Is that in Quilae?"

The baristaboy smiled, FULL STOP "No, but close. It's in the country next to it, Kiranné."

"One of the tíz városFULL STOP."

The barista boy looked surprised, FULL STOP."You've heard of the ten cities?"

"I run a bookstore," Seres said glancing around the cafe, FULL STOP "I've got plenty of time to learn about the old culture. How come no one's in here yet?"

The barista boy snorted, "You came in here at five fifteen. You're the only early riser I've met so far."

"It's a perfectly decent hour."

"Is it? You're the only non-zombie person I've seen at five fifteen." He pointed to the girl scrutinizing the menu. She didn't look like a zombie, in fact with the dark circles around her eyes she looked like a panda. He mentioned this to baristaboy.

"Yeah, but she's still not as well dressed as you are. I haven't seen anyone else wearing jeans and a t-shirt this early, most people wear sweats and bathrobes. Now that guy on the other hand is an early riser just like you." He pointed towards the man in the doorway, a man Seres hadn't seen in twenty years. He had changed the way he dressed. Before he wore suits; now he was wearing a large duster and black, soft pants.

"Wolf," Seres murmured, the familiar smell of cinnamon and clove clouding his senses. I knew it. What's he doing here?

"You know him?"

"I thought I didFULL STOP."

"What ya do youmean?" The boy didn't talk with any sort of slang/ accent before. He shouldn't now.

"We're estranged now 'We don't talk now.' 'Estranged' makes them sound like a married couple.. We,-" he Hepaused, glancing at the door again.

"I should go talk to him," he said instead, and stepped forward moving away. Let's stop trouble before it starts. Wolf looked at him with nervous eyes. Good, be afraid of me.

"Hello Wolf, what are you doing here?"

"I--" he paused, shuffling his feet,FULL STOP "...I have something of yours. I came to return it."

"And what exactly would you have that belongs to me?"

"A piece," Wolf said, pulling out a small compass, "of your soul."

"And I'm supposed to believe that?" It can't be. Why would you have this? Why would they give you this? Seres curled his hands inside his pockets.

Wolf held it out, "FULL STOPTake it"
Seres eyed it warily I understand the reaction here, but all this guy seems to do is eye things. , "You might have done something to it." You wouldn't give it to me just like that. These thoughts are really confusing right about now.

"I give you my word."

Seres laughed, causing the barista boy to frown and panda girl to glare. "Sorry," he told them. "Your word," he said to Wolf, "means nothing to me." You betrayed me once. If I let you in you may do it again. Shouldn't he be saying this to Wolf instead of thinking it?

"Take it, FULL STOP "

Seres paused, considering him. He hasn't gotten much sleep; he hasn't eaten very well....does he? That entire sentence made no sense whatsoever.

"You have a death wish," he said.

Wolf blinked, FULL STOP. "Why do you think that. QUESTION MARK "

"I remember telling you that if I saw you again I'd kill you and yet you're here." I definitely don't want to see you again.

Wolf gave him a toothy grin, FULL STOP"I don't mind dying...you can have my life as your reparation."

"No FULL STOP " Why would you want to die? You wouldn't want to leave her alone like that. Not now.

Wolf frowned, FULL STOP"Why not?"

"Because you want to dieFULL STOP" I won't let you...not until you feel the pain that I felt.

Wolf stared at him in shock. Seres took the compass from his hand. It shimmered, strands of sapphire rising out to coil around his wrist. My soul. It wants to come back to me.

"Hmm, you were telling the truth after all." The strands outlined thin scars that ran down his wrist before sinking under his skin. Seres looked up at him, "Capitalization why are you here?"

"What do you mean?"

"You could have sent the compass to me...instead you delivered it yourself. Why?"

"I wanted to see you."

"I'm not going to kill you."

"You said that already."

"It needed repeating. I admit, I like this part. What's the real reason?"

Wolf looked out at the prairie, "...I don't have anywhere else to go." Seres frowned and looked around the cafe. The barista boy was staring at them with undisguised interest and panda girl was trying to get his attention by leaning over the counter, her zebra striped scarf dangling in the space between them.
"Let's go sit down," he gestured to the armchairs and tucked the compass into his pocket, "I'll get us some coffee."

Well, this needs some work. You need to go over it and use your commas and full stops properly, and you need to space out your paragraphs and use some words better. Besides that, there isn't much of a problem in the story itself. However, the conversation between Seres and Wolf and Seres and Zane seemed a little wooden to me; a little forced. Maybe you can go over it and see if you can make it feel more natural?

Anyway, you did a decent job. Well done, and KEEP WRITING!

TIGERSPRITE

I like your story! It has alot of foreshadowing and the curiosity makes me want to run, not walk, to the next chapter and read it. It's good with alot of descriptions, even with the typos here and there. Keep up the good work! I'll read the next right away!

I won't do a full text review, as people had already picked the living daylights out of it, and instead just do a concise little thing.

I'm not sure where you're going with the setting. It's interesting to see zombies having coffee and people trading souls, but you didn't put nearly enough information in there to really let me know what it's all about. I know, I know, it will all be revealed later; but it's better to start early. You only mention the zombie once. Perhaps if you go into a little bit more detail with your characters' backstory when you edit this chapter (if you edit this chapter), you could add some more references to the world around them. After all, they're immersed in it, every fantastical feature of the world should be an everyday part of their life.

I liked the characters! You actually did a pretty good job at characterizing. Not sure what I think of the MC yet, I will have to see him more developed in the chapters to come, but Zane and the barista boy are clear as day in my mind. The boy especially - clean-cut, wearing a stylish shirt, having one of them lounge lizard haircuts (very active imagination ). Wolf is a bit of a fence case, since right now he gives off the impression of being far too much of a wuss to go and face the MC like he has (if he wasn't a wuss, he wouldn't act scared when the MC looks at him). Just my opinion.

Too early to say anything about the plot, but I'll be sure to analyze it as I read the upcoming chapters.

Best of luck!

Hi! Here to review for you.

Okay, so on the "7 Simple Rules For Stronger Prose" how people were telling you things like "more description" and stuff, but weren't telling you what, where, and how to do it. So, I'll try and be specific.

The coffee shop, Esnatzen, was empty when Seres walked in; the moss green carpet, filled with static, shocked his feet. He glanced around, eyes resting on the large, oak-colored tables in the center of the shop. He didn't feel like sitting down, although the large orange and black armchairs looked comfortable. Instead, he walked up to the slate gray counter-top and slumped against it, the tips of his black hair touching the counter. He was feeling uneasy today. The barista boy looked at him, rolled his hazel eyes and disappeared into the kitchen. Five minutes later, he came back with a cup of purple sludge.

This is description overload. We know what coffee shops look like; give us one or two key details (like the moss green carpet. When I read that, it came across as unique, something that set this apart), and we'll fill in the rest. But all of this is sensory overload.

And also, when describing, use all of the senses. Description isn't just giving things color; what does the place smell, feel, sound, or even taste like (I'd especially use taste for when he tries the purple sludge).

And on that note, is the purple sludge supposed to be coffee? Because I doubt even Zane could mistake that for a brown liquid. Instead of making it something so obviously detestable, make the grossness aspect less bold, something Zane could actually believe could taste good. Go for a nasty smell or whacked out taste. Even if you gave us the fact that Seres thinks it's going to be bad just because Zane made it gives us huge insight on their character and relationship.

"Here, the boss wants you to try this." The boy stared at it with a disgusted look."I'm glad the boss isn't making me drink that, even if it's on the house." Seres glared at him, his slivery-sapphire, eyes making the boy step back, and then he glared at the coffee.

This shows me quite a few of your common mistakes.

First, misuse of the comma. The red comma should not be there. I'm going to assume that this is just a typo, but I see misplaced commas fairly frequently. Don't worry, this is a really common problem. I, myself, still overuse the comma horrifically. But I'm working on it. And here's a tutorial that shows a lot of insight on the dastardly comma. Commas.

Another problem with this is the dialogue itself - or, I should say, the way it's presented. Throughout this piece you have a spoken sentence, a dialogue tag, then another sentence. This is fine except that in the same paragraph, right after the dialogue, you show the reaction or action of a different person. Like in the quote above, the barista boy speaks, then you have Seres glaring at him, making it unclear as to who is speaking (or we can deduce who, but it draws us from the story whereas properly done dialogue flows, whooshing us right along). This is an easy fix; just have that action/reaction sentence have its own paragraph. Easy peasey.

Your dialogue punctuation is also a little hazy. Sometimes it's right, sometimes it's not. This is also another thing that a lot of writers struggle with. This article is really helpful, and should help clear up the matter.

"And I'm supposed to believe that?" It can't be. Why would you have this? Why would they give you this? Seres curled his hands inside his pockets.

Seres' reaction doesn't seem realistic. They're talking about a soul here. And while it's not really unbelievable (he doesn't believe Wolf, so he's not making a scene) but the way it's done - put the action (curled his hands) before the thoughts. It shows his aggravation, and adds depth to the thoughts. And, perhaps you might want to say "Clenched his fists in his pocket" instead of "Curled his hands"; it adds more dynamic. "Flexed his fingers" also shows more emotion. Obviously Seres is mad at Wolf, mad enough to kill him if it weren't for the fact that that would be a favor. Well, we only pick that up from his thoughts and speech. We also want body language. Most people communicate better when using it, and it makes it more realistic.

A timid person could be described as having "Silent tears streamed down their face as they backed up into the wall. Without anywhere to go, they retracted, trying to press themself together, to get smaller. To be a smaller target." This shows that the person is afraid, and that they either can't or won't fight. It's much better than saying "The person frightened them. They knew they couldn't fight, that they had no chance."

Add descriptive body language, and you'll have a lot more emotion in your piece.

I'll try and review your later chapters, though sorry if I don't get to them for a while; NaNo's taken over my life. O.O

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Thank you very much! This helps. I edit the chapter based on the reviews people give me. You should have seen the first iteration of this chapter. Thank you for the articles!

Hey there Idra, Shubhi here to review. Late, but finally here. So yay! lol

The coffee shop, Esnatzen, was empty when Seres walked in; the moss green carpet, filled with static, shocked his feet.

Static? I guess you're talking of the static electricity, aren't you? So shouldn't you be adding some word after static like current, or energy or something because otherwise it sort of looks incomplete to me. As for the start, I think it was simple but yet captivating. Personally I believe that the start of a novel or a story looks better if it is simple but yet convincing. So good job done.

"I was in the kitchen experimenting with some new ingredients," Zane said, brushing some white powder off of(you don't need this word) his apron, "and they caught on fire."

"What new ingredients," Seres asked, trading a nervous glance with the barista boy. They both came to the , silent, agreement that Zane was crazy enough to keep trying to cook when everyone knew he couldn't.

This whole part needs revision. First of all you need to put a question mark after new ingredients in the dialog thing, and then the second sentence has unnecessary commas, which I think is some sort of typo only. SO you can figure it out yourself.

Seres eyed it and then at Zane's hopeful face.

This was good, could have definitely been better. Whatever I read, I could see that you have a potential to write very good, but just somehow the emotions didn't flow that well, and I was really not able to feel anything here. If to speak honestly, I think there were many places where you should have let the time stop and describe more things, more of emotions. To begin with, the start was nice, well planned and I really liked the coffee tasting thing and the scene you had created. But my problem was with the descriptions-they were there but very less and not that impressive. But I take it as your writing style, but sometimes you need to stop and let the things be described to the reader-the emotions, the scene.

To be more precise, the place where the character, Seres that is sees the person he has not seen for twenty years, there is no excitement, no surprise or anything of that sort. He just plainly adds-I haven't seen this person for years." So that is what was the most upsetting thing about this piece. Their meeting after so many years didn't look awkward, they didn't see each other like people do after so many years, there was nothing special. It was as if they were meeting after some months or maybe even a day. So I would suggest you to work and focus on this point. It might be so that you don't want to stress upon this all but a little won't harm and it is also important to do so since the readers would be perplexed if you don't.

That was how the story progressed. But I would really like you to slow down and take time to do things. My other big concern here was that there were some words, specially 'glancing' which kept on repeating themselves. So you should just read back and edit and replace the with some of their synonyms. Other than these points, other confusing thing was that I was almost confused at time when you used to say 'he said'. I couldn't know who was saying what, mainly because most of the time you were referring them with pronouns, so you should have let their noun names also appear sometimes. It did create a lot of problem for me, but nothing very big-it can be just me.

I don't have much to say, except for the fact, that I was confused for the time-period. What time is it, and what kind of guys we are dealing here with. These are just small questions by me. Other than that, this was really intriguing, and I really want to know what these guys are upto and what had happened twenty years ago which forced them to change their paths.

So good luck,
Shubhi

Thank you Shubhi! I will keep that in mind. I might hold off editing this until December because that's when I have vacation.

(Read the author's note first please) Hello everyone! I'm new here, so please be patient with me. Here is the story I've been working on for a while. I already have a bunch of chapters written. It's in a non-linear format, so if you're get confused that's ok. It's my first time writing in such a format, so I don't know how it will turn out.I have three storylines currently. The first one takes place in the present, the second in the past and the third in the future. Enjoy!

P.S Sorry, if this I kind of long. I tried to cut it at a natural stopping point. This has also undergone some minor/major edits over the past couple of weeks. Not really interested in explanations before the story. I'd rather you let your work stand on its own. Needless to say, I didn't read any of this. Let's start, shall we?

Present

The coffee shop, Esnatzen, was empty when Seres walked in; I think 'Esnatzen was empty when Seres walked in' would have worked better. You can show us it's a coffeeshop later. the moss green carpet, filled with static, shocked his feet. So he's barefoot right now? He glanced around, eyes resting on the large tables in the center of the shop. If his eyes rested on something, he's not glancing around. I take it you mean they rested on the large tables after he glanced around? He didn't feel like sitting down, although the orange and black armchairs looked comfortable. Instead, he walked up to the counter-top and slumped against it, the tips of his black hair touching the counter Word repetition.. He felt (Be verbs generally kill prose.) uneasy today. The baristaboy looked at him, rolled his hazel eyes and disappeared into the kitchen. Five minutes later, he came back with a cup of black-brown sludge. ...Sludge is usually thick, just to let you know. oo"

"Here, the boss wants you to try this." The boy stared at it with a disgusted look."I'm glad the boss isn't making me drink that, even if it's on the house."

Seres glared at him, his slivery-sapphire eyes Sparkly eyes. oo I'm wary now. making the boy step back, and then he Here, he refers to the barista. Careful with your antecedents. glared at the coffee. Oh, great. Zane made this. I hope I don't get sick again like last time. Separate thoughts somehow, some way.

"Well you aren't the boss's best friend," he Your antecedents are muddled now. I'm not sure who you're talking about anymore. said sourly, taking a sip. He immediately spat it out, grimacing. An omen, Seres thought. "He calls this is coffee?! Interrobangs (?!) are overdramatic, I think. oo This tastes like-"

"Seres! I see you tasted my new blend! How is it? Sounds like something from a bad commercial. oo Might want to fix it." The boss ambled in from the kitchen, thick, black smoke trailing in his wake. It stained the pumpkin walls and dulled the leaf covered metal tree on the wall behind the counter. I'm not sure smoke can stain stuff, unless it's some sort of ectoplasm-covered goopy smoke. oo" The smells of burnt paper, myrrh, strawberry, and coffee drifted out of the closing kitchen door.

"Hey Zane, what happened this time?" Seres said, sighing. Something about this seems forced. I can't tell what. Revise?

"I was in the kitchen experimenting with some new ingredients," Zane said, brushing some white powder offof his apron, "and they caught on fire."

"What new ingredients?" Seres asked, trading a nervous glance with the barista boy. They both came to the , a silent, agreement:that Zane was crazy enough to keep trying to cook when everyone knew he couldn't.

Zane grinned, shaking some soot out of his fire-colored hair Fire can be lots of colors. I'm not sure if you mean orange or red here, though. oo, "Sorry, can't tell you. Trade secret. So what do you think?" He pointed at the cup. Seres eyed it, and then Zane's hopeful face. I'm boooooored. ._. I'm being completely honest here. I do not know why we're talking about coffee. This feels like filler. :/ Start as late as you can - at the inciting incident.

"Sorry, it's a little too strong for me."

Zane checked his watch, a large, gaudy thing on his wrist, "It's five thirty; where's the rest of my staff?" Is he supposed to be older than eighteen? He sounds like someone in his mid-teen years. oo Very immature. I'm not sure if that's the effect you wanted to go for.

Seres glanced around. It was true; the only people working were Zane and the baristaboy.

"You should call them, boss," the baristaboy said.

Zane gave him a puzzled look and walked back into the kitchen.

"You're new here," Seres said to the baristaboy; it wasn't a question. Obviously. He said it as a declarative sentence. oo This last bit is redundant and a bit insulting to the reader's intelligence.

"How'd you know?"

Seres laughed, "No one ever called Zane 'boss' before. Really? oo Didn't Seres refer to Zane as the boss? Do you mean to his face? oo" Plus I haven't seen you around before. Where're you from?" This sounds so familiar, and not because I've heard it in real life, but because I've read conversations like these so many times before. oo Try changing it, because more often than not, conversations like these feel like filler. I have a creeping feeling your inciting event hasn't even happened yet. ._.

"Telema."

Seres gave him a blank look, "Is that in Quilae?"

The baristaboy (I think it's time to give him a name or something. 8| I'm getting tired of teh word barista.) smiled, "No, but close. It's in the country next to it, Kiranné."

"One of the tíz város." Please don't talk about countries you made up. ._. The reader doesn't know what you're talking about, and introducing a bunch of names all at once won't make anything stick in our minds. It just annoys the reader, who doesn't know what you're talking about.

The barista boy looked surprised, "You've heard of the ten cities?"

"I run a bookstore." Seres said glancing around the cafe, "plenty of time to learn about the old culture. How come no one's in here yet?"

The barista boy snorted, "You came in here at five fifteen. You're the only early riser I've met so far." If the barista kid is the only one working at this hour, and the kitchen is burning, don't you think he'd have more to do than stick around and talk to the only customer? oo" Wouldn't he have to start up some machines/prep some stuff/take care of the fire Zane started in the kitchen? o.e

"It's a perfectly decent hour."

"Is it? You're the only non-zombie Mfh. Iunno about the way non-zombie sounds. It cluttered the prose so magnificently it's hard to believe it's just one word. oo person I've seen at five fifteen. Everyone else is walking around coffee-deprived." He pointed to the girl scrutinizing the menu. I thought the place was empty? When did she come in? She didn't look like a zombie; in fact with the dark circles around her eyes she looked like a panda. Sooo the geography is the only thing different about this world? They have pandas and etc, too? He mentioned this to Barista Boy. In here, you use "barista boy" as a proper noun as opposed to a common one. It's a substitute for the boy's name; it's what Seres calls him. If you don't want to capitalize it, then you should add "the" before it. ;3

"Yeah, but she's still not as well dressed as you are. I haven't seen anyone else wearing jeans and a t-shirt this early; (I have no idea how wearing jeans and a shirt is well-dressed. oo Maybe try a different word? Put together? I have no idea.) most people wear sweats and bathrobes. Now that guy, on the other hand, is an early riser just like you. I thought he's never seen anyone else like that? oo Barista seems to know this other guy pretty well." He pointed towards the man in the doorway, a man Seres hadn't seen in twenty years. He He refers to Seres here. had changed the way he dressed. Before he wore suits; now he was wearing a large duster and black, soft pants.

"Wolf," Seres murmured, the familiar smell of cinnamon and clove clouding his senses. "I knew it. What's he doing here?"

"You know him?"

"I thought I did."

"What you mean?"

"We were friends once. We don't talk now. We," Seres paused, glancing at the door again. "I should go talk to him," he said instead and stepped forward I thought he was facing the counter. If he glanced back, he returned his gaze to the counter soon enough, so I took this to mean that he stepped towards the counter, and well, that doesn't really jive with what you're trying to say, does it? oo". He rubbed his fingers over his nails. This is a bit vague, and I'm not sure what you mean, so I can't exactly picture what Seres is doing at the moment. Let's stop trouble before it starts. Mark thoughts with different formatting. oo Wolf looked at him with nervous eyes. Good, be afraid of me.

"Hello Wolf,; what are you doing here?"

"I," Wolf paused, shuffling his feet, "have something of yours. I came to return it." And Wolf knew or expected Seres to be in the coffeeshop and not at home early in the morning? If they haven't talked in years, how would Wolf know this? In fact, how does Wolf remember this? oo

"And what exactly would you have that belongs to me?" Stiff. Revise.

" A piece," Wolf said, pulling out a small compass, "of your soul." Dramatic. Almost overdramatic, the way you phrased it, actually. oo A piece *insert pause* of your soul. Dun dun dun. X] I think it would be better if you transferred the whole "pulling out a small compass thing to the end. ^^

"And I'm supposed to believe that?" Seres curled his hands inside his pockets; You might want to find a better way of saying this. It sounds strange right now. his nails cut into his skin. It can't be. Why would you have this? Why would they give you this? The words I marked out in blue - I can't tell if they're thoughts or if Seres is saying them. Sometimes you forget to put in quotation marks, so I'm at a loss, really. oo

Wolf held it out, "Take it."

Seres eyed it warily, taking a step back. "You might have done something to it." You wouldn't give it to me just like that. Mark out this last part if it's not something he said.

"I give you my word." Seres laughed This tag makes it sound like Seres said that. Put it in a new paragraph instead., causing the barista boy to frown and Panda Girl It's used as a proper noun here, and frankly, I think it works better used as a proper noun. X] Helps the flow. to glare. "Sorry," he told them. Why would they get mad if he laughs anyway? ._. "Your word," he said to Wolf, "means nothing to me." You betrayed me once. If I let you in you may do it again. Dramatic and too much of a tease.

"Take it," Seres paused, Again, Seres did not say that, so Seres shouldn't be in the tag right after it. Wolf should. I'm incredibly confused now, given your dialog. I'll tackle formatting dialog later on. considering him. He hasn't gotten much sleep; he hasn't eaten very well....does he? Do you mean has he? Or do you mean ...does he...? As in 'Does he do something else?" as opposed to "Has he eaten?"

"You have a death wish," he Wolf? Seres? Who is he right now? I'm so confused. Your dialog tags are all over the place. X( said. He took his right hand out of his pocket and pressed it against his leg. Err this kinda seems odd in my head. Oo I'm not sure what this bit of body language is supposed to show.

Wolf blinked, "Why do you think that?"

"I remember telling you that if I saw you again I'd kill you, and yet you're here." I definitely don't want to see you again. I won't say it anymore, but you know what to do.

Wolf gave him a toothy grin, "I don't mind dying...you can have my life as your reparation." Ick. The use of this last word seems forced. >.O Also, did you intend Wolf to seem as if he's lying? Smiling while saying you want to die is dissonant, and therefore implies Wolf is lying. I get the feeling he's not, though, and that he truly wants to die, in which case you'll have to come up with better body language. Don't tack body language on just because you have to. Tack meaningful ones on.

"No." Why would you want to die? You wouldn't want to leave her alone like that. Not now.


Wolf frowned, "Why not?"

"Because you want to die." I won't let you...not until you feel the pain that I felt. (Again with being overdramatic. ._. Sounds kinda cheesy, actually.)

Wolf stared at him in shock. Seres took the compass from his hand. It shimmered, strands of sapphire rising out to coil around his wrist. My soul. It wants to come back to me.

"Hmm, you were telling the truth after all." Who said this? Seres? I'm lost. ._. Your dialog is confusing. x.x The strands outlined thin scars that ran down his wrist before sinking under his skin. Seres relaxed a little, the hand in his pocket slightly uncurling. Please don't use the word curling the describe hands. oo I don't think it's the right word at all. Seres looked up at him. "Why are you here?"

"What do you mean?"

"You could have sent the compass to me... Instead, you delivered it yourself. Why?" He Remember both Seres and Wolf are male, and therefore, your antecedents are very easily muddled. Fix. frowned at him See? ._. Him here ought to refer to the same person as the he earlier in this sentence did., eyes narrowing.

"I wanted to see you."

"I'm not going to kill you."

"You said that already."

"It needed repeating. Eh. I'm iffy about this last sentence. What's the real reason?" So Wolf knew Seres wouldn't kill him? Strange.

Wolf looked out at the prairie This is pretty sudden. ._. Came out of nowhere. So the cofffeeshop is situated in a prairie? Very strange. oO, hesitation in his voice, "I don't have anywhere else to go."

Seres frowned and looked around the cafe. The barista boy was staring at them with undisguised interest and panda girl was trying to get his attention by leaning over the counter, her zebra striped scarf Hit pause. I thought she was only wearing a bathrobe/sweats? oO Why does she have a scarf now? dangling in the space between them.

"Let's go sit down," Seres gestured at the armchairs and tucked the compass into his pocket. Very anticlimactic. You played up Wolf's betrayal so much it seems out of character for Seres to forgive him this easily. In fact, this entire interaction seems forced. "I'll get us some coffee." That's all I wanted this morning. I really shouldn't have gotten out of bed.

Final impressions:

• You need to be careful with your punctuation, and your format. This is one of the biggest problems I noticed in your piece. You fail to mark out thoughts, forget to put quotation marks sometimes, and you punctuate sentences wrong. oo Dialog tags are also something you should be careful with. Allow me to demonstrate.
  
  

  "Hey Bob" greets Mark.

  
  
  You need a comma between Bob and the quotation mark to correct this sentence.
  
  

  "Hey Bob." Bob turns around.

  
  
  This is wrong. "Bob turns around" should be in another paragraph because the above implies Bob said, "Hey Bob."
  
  

  "Hey Bob," Mark greets. "What?" Bob says.

  
  
  When Bob starts speaking, it should be a new paragraph.
  
  You might want to check these articles out:
  
  Punctuation within Dialogue, by Demeter
  
  Punctuation Marks, by Rosey Unicorn
  
  Dialogue Grammar, by Snoink


• I'm a little confused by your setting. It's in a coffeeshop in prairie in a fantasy world? What's this coffeeshop doing in the prairie? oO And why is there no context for this? You never described it as being in a prarie beforehand. Also, I didn't realize this was a fantasy piece until all those weird names cropped up. Do you think you can convey the fantasy aspect a bit clearer? Otherwise, I think this might be an urban fantasy piece, and you just tacked on different country names for fun. oo I don't see why this requires a different land/ecology, actually, seeing as everything but magic and country names are exactly the same.
  
  Actually, I think you can do with a little more descriptions in this piece. oo" Note that I rarely say this, but I mean it this time. In the beginning, there's quite a bit of description, but as the piece wore on, you seem to have forgotten that the reader is practically blind/senseless in this world. You need to guide the reader through. X]


• A lot of the interactions here are forced. They're expected, and they're not at all unique. Sometimes I felt as if I've read it somewhere before - and it's not déjà vu either. It's just that I've seen this sort of interaction before, and it's not unique, and you don't really offer any fresh twist to it. It's all right to have clichés; they're clichéd because they work. But what's important is your execution - that you deliver a fresh twist, or brighten it up with some zest. You fail to do either of this. oo Try to spruce this up a bit by observing how real interactions work and injecting some more realism into that one.
  
  Your interactions also veer towards overdramatic. Sometimes I made a face. >.O Realism is the key here. Maybe it's not overdramatic, but you have to keep in mind that we readers have no context with which to view this. If we had more background, we'd probably be able to sympathize better. In this light, I think that maybe starting off like this isn't the best idea for the moment. There are too many intense emotions involved, and as a reader, I can't understand why they exist because I don't know the whole stories behind them. oo"


• Characterization is weak. Zane is your typical spunky dude who doesn't know how to cook but keeps trying; Seres is the long-suffering best friend; Wolf is your average smug villain. You need to show me more dimensions to them. I understand it's not easy, but you have to. Otherwise, they seem a little flat and I won't be motivated to read more. Interesting characters are a major factor in keeping the reader curious about the story.


• A lot of this is filler, especially in the beginning. In fact, I think you can do without this chapter. You can start with the next one, when Seres and Wolf are talking. Leak information about the whole soul in the compass thing then. Just don't start with this. You started the story about thirty minutes too early.


• You were such a tease, but it was so blatant it kind of annoyed me instead of drawing me in. oo Don't be so obvious when you're trying to bait the reader. X] Subtlety is the key here. If the reader realizes you're trying to bait him, he won't take the bait. Think of it like fishing. You don't want the fish to realize the worm is attached to a hook, do you?

Anyway, those were my two cents. PM me if you have any questions or have anything to say about my review!

Sincerely,

Octave

Hey Idraax! Thanks for entering my First Chapter Contest! Here's a thanks-for-entering review!

"Take it," Seres paused, considering him

This is Wolf speaking, but it looks like it's Seres speaking. It should look something like:
"Take it." Seres paused, considering him.
Or, it could be broken into two seperate paragraphs.

This was a pretty interesting chapter. I'm intruiged to read more, which is good, but I still feel like something is lacking in this chapter. A lot of the place and character setting descriptions weren't as effective as they could be. The coffee shop was pretty well represented, but then the world stopped directly at the doors. What else is out there? What is directly outside that door? It's not particularly important at this point, but it would be nice to know.

The character descriptions were probably most lacking. We get a bit of how a few of the characters act (Zane and Seres, mostly) but I have very little idea of how they even look. You want to avoid info dumping boring and tedious physical appearances, but there needs to be some distinguishing description so that the characters don't end up faceless shadows. I was told once that every time you introduce a new place/character there should be four lines of prose describing/introducing them. While four lines can sometimes be way too much, it's a good rule to go by. Write four lines of description (or more) about a character or place and then cut it down to the bare bones. What makes this character/place immedeately recognizable? What do other characters immedeatly notice about them/it? Those are the kinds of descriptions you want to include.

Well I don't have much more to say. This chapter was a really interesting read, I especially liked the bit about Seres' soul and as a reader would be most intruiged to learn more about that whole ordeal. Just work on the descriptions and you'll be right on your way to a fantastic chapter. Great job, and definitely keep writing!

Thanks again for entering my contest!

-Lauren-

Hey Fishster! I had to read this from the beginning.

The coffee shop, Esnatzen, was empty when Seres walked in; the moss green carpet, filled with static, shocked his feet. <-- The static bit seems really random.

He glanced around, eyes resting on the large tables in the center of the shop. He didn't feel like sitting down, although the orange and black armchairs looked comfortable. Instead, he walked up to the counter-top and slumped against it, the tips of his black hair touching the counter. He was feeling uneasy today. The barista boy looked at him, rolled his hazel eyes and disappeared into the kitchen. Five minutes later, he came back with a cup of black-brown sludge.
"Here, the boss wants you to try this." The boy stared at it with a disgusted look. <--space here--> "I'm glad the boss isn't making me drink that, even if it's on the house."


"What new ingredients," Seres asked, trading a nervous glance with the barista boy. <-- Should be a question mark.

They both came to the ,<-------- ZOMG. RANDOM COMMA--> silent, agreement that Zane was crazy enough to keep trying to cook when everyone knew he couldn't.

"Sorry, it's a little too strong for me. <-- missing quotation mark!

Seres laughed, <-- Should be a period. --> "No one ever called Zane 'boss' before. Plus I haven't seen you around before.
" We were friends once. We don't talk now. We," <-- should be a dash, not a comma.

This was very funny! Like a mad dash of randomness. Loved it! There were a couple of weird spots (see above) but all in all, it's a mad rush and I love the pacing. I'm so glad there's more.