Alezrani chapter 1

(Read the author's note first please) Hello everyone! I'm new here, so please be patient with me. Here is the story I've been working on for a while. I already have a bunch of chapters written. It's in a non-linear format, so if you're get confused that's ok. It's my first time writing in such a format, so I don't know how it will turn out.I have three storylines currently. The first one takes place in the present, the second in the past and the third in the future. Enjoy!
P.S Sorry, if this I kind of long. I tried to cut it at a natural stopping point. This has also undergone some minor/major edits over the past couple of weeks.
Present

The coffee shop, Esnatzen, was empty when Seres walked in; the moss green carpet, filled with static, shocked his feet. He glanced around, eyes resting on the large tables in the center of the shop. He didn't feel like sitting down, although the orange and black armchairs looked comfortable. Instead, he walked up to the counter-top and slumped against it, the tips of his black hair touching the counter. He was feeling uneasy today. The barista boy looked at him, rolled his hazel eyes and disappeared into the kitchen. Five minutes later, he came back with a cup of black-brown sludge.
"Here, the boss wants you to try this." The boy stared at it with a disgusted look."I'm glad the boss isn't making me drink that, even if it's on the house."

Seres glared at him, his slivery-sapphire eyes making the boy step back, and then he glared at the coffee. Oh, great. Zane made this. I hope I don't get sick again like last time.
"Well you aren't the boss's best friend," he said sourly, taking a sip. He immediately spat it out, grimacing. An omen, Seres thought. "He calls this is coffee?! This tastes like-"

"Seres! I see you tasted my new blend! How is it?" The boss ambled in from the kitchen, thick, black smoke trailing in his wake. It stained the pumpkin walls and dulled the leaf covered metal tree on the wall behind the counter. The smells of burnt paper, myrrh, strawberry and coffee drifted out of the closing kitchen door.
"Hey Zane, what happened this time?" Seres said, sighing.
"I was in the kitchen experimenting with some new ingredients," Zane said, brushing some white powder off of his apron, "and they caught on fire."

"What new ingredients," Seres asked, trading a nervous glance with the barista boy. They both came to the , silent, agreement that Zane was crazy enough to keep trying to cook when everyone knew he couldn't.

Zane grinned, shaking some soot out of his fire-colored hair, "Sorry, can't tell you, trade secret, So what do you think?" He pointed at the cup. Seres eyed it and then Zane's hopeful face.

"Sorry, it's a little too strong for me.

Zane checked his watch, a large, gaudy thing on his wrist, "It's five thirty; where is the rest of my staff?"

Seres glanced around. It was true; the only people working were Zane and the barista boy.

"You should call them, boss," the barista boy said.

Zane gave him a puzzled look and walked back into the kitchen.

"You're new here," Seres said to the barista boy; it wasn't a question.
"How'd you know?"
Seres laughed, "No one ever called Zane 'boss' before. Plus I haven't seen you around before. Where're you from?
"Telema"
Seres gave him a blank look, "Is that in Quilae?"
The barista boy smiled, "No, but close. It's in the country next to it, Kiranné."
"One of the tíz város."
The barista boy looked surprised, "You've heard of the ten cities?"
"I run a bookstore." Seres said glancing around the cafe, "plenty of time to learn about the old culture. How come no one's in here yet?"
The barista boy snorted, "You came in here at five fifteen. You're the only early riser I've met so far."
"It's a perfectly decent hour."
"Is it? You're the only non-zombie person I've seen at five fifteen. Everyone else is walking around coffee deprived." He pointed to the girl scrutinizing the menu. She didn't look like a zombie, in fact with the dark circles around her eyes she looked like a panda. He mentioned this to barista boy.

"Yeah, but she's still not as well dressed as you are. I haven't seen anyone else wearing jeans and a t-shirt this early, most people wear sweats and bathrobes. Now that guy on the other hand is an early riser just like you." He pointed towards the man in the doorway, a man Seres hadn't seen in twenty years. He had changed the way he dressed. Before he wore suits; now he was wearing a large duster and black, soft pants.
"Wolf," Seres murmured, the familiar smell of cinnamon and clove clouding his senses. I knew it. What's he doing here?
"You know him?"
"I thought I did"
"What you mean?"
" We were friends once. We don't talk now. We," he paused, glancing at the door again. "I should go talk to him," he said instead and stepped forward. He rubbed his fingers over his nails. Let's stop trouble before it starts. Wolf looked at him with nervous eyes. Good, be afraid of me.

"Hello Wolf, what are you doing here?"
"I," he paused, shuffling his feet, "have something of yours. I came to return it."
"And what exactly would you have that belongs to me?"
" A piece," Wolf said, pulling out a small compass, "of your soul."
"And I'm supposed to believe that?" Seres curled his hands inside his pockets; his nails cut into his skin. It can't be. Why would you have this? Why would they give you this?
Wolf held it out, "Take it"
Seres eyed it warily, taking a step back, "You might have done something to it." You wouldn't give it to me just like that.
"I give you my word." Seres laughed, causing the barista boy to frown and panda girl to glare. "Sorry," he told them. "Your word," he said to Wolf, "means nothing to me." You betrayed me once. If I let you in you may do it again.
"Take it," Seres paused, considering him. He hasn't gotten much sleep; he hasn't eaten very well....does he?
"You have a death wish," he said. He took his right hand out of his pocket and pressed it against his leg..
Wolf blinked, "Why do you think that."
"I remember telling you that if I saw you again I'd kill you and yet you're here." I definitely don't want to see you again.
Wolf gave him a toothy grin, "I don't mind dying...you can have my life as your reparation."
"No" Why would you want to die? You wouldn't want to leave her alone like that. Not now.
Wolf frowned, "Why not?"
"Because you want to die" I won't let you...not until you feel the pain that I felt.
Wolf stared at him in shock. Seres took the compass from his hand. It shimmered, strands of sapphire rising out to coil around his wrist. My soul. It wants to come back to me.
"Hmm, you were telling the truth after all." The strands outlined thin scars that ran down his wrist before sinking under his skin. Seres relaxed a little, the hand in his pocket slightly uncurling. Seres looked up at him, "why are you here?"
"What do you mean?"
"You could have sent the compass to me...instead you delivered it yourself. Why?" He frowned at him, eyes narrowing.
"I wanted to see you."
"I'm not going to kill you."
"You said that already."
"It needed repeating. What's the real reason?"
Wolf looked out at the prairie, hesitation in his voice, "I don't have anywhere else to go." Seres frowned and looked around the cafe. The barista boy was staring at them with undisguised interest and panda girl was trying to get his attention by leaning over the counter, her zebra striped scarf dangling in the space between them.
"Let's go sit down," he gestured to the armchairs and tucked the compass into his pocket, "I'll get us some coffee." That's all I wanted this morning. I really shouldn't have gotten out of bed.

Yes, I am confused.
You need to slow down and describe. Add emotion. Make it clear whats going on.
YOu want to clearly show the reader an image that they can understand. You do this by describing the settings, describing the people, and adding emotions of the characters

Keep Writing
~WickedWonder

Thank you very much! That really helps. But looking back at the chapter, where should I add in the description? Should I add it in at the beginning or should I weave it in to the scene? Can you elaborate on that, please. Thanks.

Don't worry, it isn't long at all.

Just some nitpicks:

idraax wrote: His order came in the form of a cup of purple sludge. The barista boy stared at it with a look of faint disgust.
"I'm glad the boss isn't making me drink that, even if it's on the house." The customer glared at him, the oddly colored eyes making the boy step back, then at the coffee.
"Well you aren't the boss' Should be 'boss's' if you did it the way you had it would make there be multiple bosses, and the singular form 'boss' already has two S's. best friend," he said sourly. He took a sip and immediately spat it out.
"This is do you mean this isn't coffee, because if the coffee really does taste that bad it probably doesn't taste like coffee at all. Therefore the costumer would assume it wasn't. coffee! This tastes like-"
"Seres! I see you tasted my new blend! How is it" The boss entered from the kitchen, thick, black smoke trailing in his wake and staining the pumpkin colored walls of the coffee shop.
"Hey Zane, what happened this time"
"I was in the kitchen experimenting with some new ingredients," Zane said, brushing some white powder off of his apron, "and they caught on fire."
"What new ingredients," Seres asked, trading a nervous glance with the barista boy.
Zane grinned, "Sorry, can't tell you, trade secret. So what do you think. Should be Question mark." He pointed at the cup. Seres eyed it and then Zane's hopeful face.
"Sorry," he said, "it's a little too strong for me. Try asking Idra to try it, though. She likes strong coffee."Sorry, Idra, but you know what Zane's like
Zane checked his watch, "It's almost seven, she should've been in by now."
"You should call her boss," barista boy said. Zane gave him a puzzled look and walked into the kitchen.
"You're new here," Seres said to the barista boy; it wasn't a question.
"How'd you know"
Seres laughed, "No one ever called Zane 'boss' before. Where're you from'
"Telema"
Seres gave him a blank look, "Is that in Quilae"
Barista boy smiled, "No but close. It's in the country next to it, Kiranné."
"One of the tíz város"
Barista boy looked surprised, "You've heard of the ten cities"
"I run a bookstore," Seres said glancing around the cafe, "plenty of time to learn about the old culture. How come no one's in here yet"
Barista boy snorted, "You came in here at five fifteen. You're the only early riser I've met so far."
"Four o'clock is a perfectly decent hour to get up at."
"Is it You're This shouldn't be capitalized. the only non-zombie person I've seen at four fifteen." (None of these times I have highlighted in purple throughout the story have matched up very well.) He pointed to the girl scrutinizing the menu. She didn't look like a zombie; in fact with the dark circles around her eyes she looked like a panda. He mentioned this to barista boy.
"Yeah, but she's still not as well dressed as you are. I haven't seen anyone else wearing jeans and a t-shirt this early, most people wear sweats and bathrobes. Now that guy on the other hand is an early riser just like you." He pointed towards the man in the doorway; a man Seres hadn't seen in twenty years.
"Wolf," Seres murmured, the familiar smell of cinnamon and clove clouding his senses. What's he doing here
"You know him"
"I thought I did," he stepped forward. Let's stop trouble before it starts. Wolf looked at him with nervous eyes. Good, be afraid of me.
"Hello Wolf, what are you doing here?"
"I......have something of yours. I came to return it."
"And what exactly would you have that belongs to me?"
" A piece," Wolf said, pulling out a small compass, "of your soul."
"And I'm supposed to believe that?"It can't be. Why would you have this? Why would they give you this?. I am sure this is just a typo, but the period shouldn't be here.
Wolf held it out, " Take it" Again just a typo, but there shouldn't be a space between the quotation mark and 'T'
Seres eyed it warily, "You might have done something to it." You wouldn't give it to me just like that.
"I give you my word." Seres laughed, causing Do you mean 'the' barista boy? barista boy to frown and panda girl to glare. "Sorry," he told them. "Your word," he said to Wolf, "means nothing to me." You betrayed me once. If I let you in you may do it again.
"Take it," Seres paused, considering him. He hasn't gotten much sleep, Should be ';' because it is two sentences. he hasn't eaten very well....does he?
"You have a death wish," he said.
Wolf blinked, "Why do you think that."
"I remember telling you that if I saw you again I'd kill you and yet you're here." I definitely don't want to see you again
Wolf gave him a toothy grin, "I don't mind dying...you can have my life as your reparation."
"No" Why would you want to die?
Wolf frowned, "Why not?"
"Because you want to die" I won't let you...not until you feel the pain that I felt.

O.K, I agree with wickedwonder:

wickedwonder wrote:Yes, I am confused.
You need to slow down and describe. Add emotion. Make it clear whats going on.
YOu want to clearly show the reader an image that they can understand. You do this by describing the settings, describing the people, and adding emotions of the characters

Keep Writing
~WickedWonder

You do need to slow down to describe. Where? First, I think you could use an introductory paragraph. Yes, lots of authors like to get to the action quickly, but not this quickly. I know that if I picked this book up of the library shelf and flipped to the first page I would probably put it back if it started with speech. Just talk. Describe the setting. What does the coffee shop look like? What does is smell like, feel like, taste like? Give us something we can relate to with are Senses. Give us an image in our minds.

After you have done that break up that speech a little bit. When a new character comes in describe them. You can describe them through thoughts of other characters like you have already done some of, speech of other characters, or just description. Between speech add little details, you have already done some, but I want to know more. Did one of your characters rub his fingers together because they were sweaty? All these little details will help us relate to the characters and know what they are feeling like. If they feel a chill and you have already know that the coffee shop is warm you will realize that they have been creeped out.

I am slightly confused as well of what is happening. Well, the soul part. I certainly want to read more, and I really can't expect to know what is going on because you have started with action and you didn't give us very much to read. As long as you somewhat explain things soon you are good. Right now I do have a lot of questions though. Having something to relate to will also help me have less questions.

Hope I helped,

A. S.

P.S. I have never heard of the name Seres before. Did you make it up?

P.P.S. If you have any questions or want me to go into more detail on something just P.M. me. Oh and could you P.M. me when the next part is up?

Yeah, I made up the name. I've made up a lot of the names in the story, although I did use some words from Google Translator, such as Tiz Varos for example. Do the edits help?

Much more description!

Ok, I made some more changes. This scene also comes up again in the next chapter, just to let you know. Also, if I'm not allowed to do this, let me know please. This is the map for my story.. If you want to see the full pic in a larger screen, let me know and I'll post the link up.

More nitpicks:

idraax wrote:The coffee shop,You need a space here.Esnatzen, was empty when Seres walked in; the moss green carpet shocking his feet. He glanced around, eyes resting on the large, oak-colored tables in the center of the shop. He didn't feel like sitting down, although the large orange and black armchairs looked comfortable. Instead, he walked up to the slate gray counter-top and slumped against it, long, black hair falling forward. He was feeling uneasy today. A nameless feeling spreading through his bones. This isn't a complete sentence because it is not a complete thought. to fix this you could just replace the period of the sentence before this with a comma and of course make 'A' lowercase. The barista boy looked at him, rolled his hazel eyes and disappeared into the kitchen. He came back with a cup of purple sludge, How long was he gone? "Here, the boss wants you to try this." He stared at it with a disgusted look,needs space"I'm glad the boss isn't making me drink that, even if it's on the house." The customer glared at him, the oddly colored, slivery-sapphire, eyes making the boy step back, then at the coffee. this last part doesn't make sense.
"Well, I added this comma. you aren't the boss's best friend," he said sourly. He took a sip and immediately spat it out. This sounds awkward because you said 'he' too close together. It would sound better: he said sourly taking a sip, then immediately spitting it out. Or anything else like that. I also want some more description here. How did he spit it out? With a grimace? Where did the spit land?An omen Should this be in italics like your other thoughts?, Seres thought.
"This space is unneeded. He calls this is coffee?! This tastes like-" This line is much better than before. Good work! But, it doesn't need to be on a new line because the customer was the last person to talk when he said "Well, you aren't the boss's best friend,"...
"Seres! I see you tasted my new blend! How is it?" The boss entered "entered" just sounds so formal, and it doesn't really give us a picture. Did the boss amble? skip? saunter? from the kitchen, thick, black smoke trailing in his wake. It stained the pumpkin walls and dulled the vivid silver of the leaf covered metal tree on the wall behind the counter. This sentence is a bit of a mouthful XD
"Hey Zane, what happened this time" I am not sure who said this.
"I was in the kitchen experimenting with some new ingredients," Zane said, brushing some white powder off of his apron, "and they caught on fire."
"What new ingredients,Should be a question mark." Seres asked, trading a nervous glance with the barista boy. They both came to the agreement that Zane was crazy to keep trying to cook when everyone knew he couldn't.
Zane grinned, shaking some soot out of his fire-colored hair, "Sorry, can't tell you, trade secret. So,I added this comma because it would sound like: so what? not So, with a pause. what do you think?" He pointed at the cup. Seres eyed it and then Zane's hopeful face.
"Sorry," he said, This is unneeded because we already know that Seres is going to speak. I am only telling you this because when you have to many "he said""she said"'s it gets annoying. So, even though right now you are doing good you still want to keep them to a minimal. "it's a little too strong for me. Try asking Idra to try it, though. She likes strong coffee."Sorry, Idra, but you know what Zane's like I am assuming these are Seres's thoughts? I am kind of confused. You need to move the quotation mark over because right now this looks like a new person is speaking. This also needs end of sentence punctuation.
Zane checked his watch, a large, gaudy thing on his wrist, "It's five thirty, should be semicolon. she should've been in by now."
"You should call her boss," do you mean 'the' barista boy? barista boy said. Zane gave him a puzzled look and walked back into the kitchen.
"You're new here," Seres said to the barista boy; it wasn't a question.
"How'd you know"
Seres laughed, "No one ever called Zane 'boss' before. Where're you from' Should be "
"Telema"
Seres gave him a blank look, "Is that in Quilae"
The? Barista boy smiled, "No but close. It's in the country next to it, Kiranné."
"One of the tíz város This needs end of sentence punctuation"
Barista boy looked surprised, "You've heard of the ten cities"
"I run a bookstore,Here you need a space."Here you don't.Seres said glancing around the cafe, "plenty of time to learn about the old culture. How come no one's in here yet" I am wondering how he said this. Did his voice get low and quiet?
Barista boy snorted, "You came in here at five fifteen. You're the only early riser I've met so far."
"It's a perfectly decent hour."
"Is it? You forgot to put a question mark here. You're the only non-zombie person I've seen at five fifteen." He pointed to the girl scrutinizing the menu. She didn't look like a zombie;This should just be a comma. in fact with the dark circles around her eyes she looked like a panda. He mentioned this to barista boy.
"Yeah, but she's still not as well dressed as you are. I haven't seen anyone else wearing jeans and a t-shirt this early, most people wear sweats and bathrobes. Now that guy on the other hand is an early riser just like you." He pointed towards the man in the doorway; Should just be comma. a man Seres hadn't seen in twenty years. He had changed the way he dressed. Before he wore suits, now he was wearing a large duster and black, soft pants.
"Wolf," Seres murmured, the familiar smell of cinnamon and clove clouding his senses. I knew it. What's he doing hereJust added an 'e'.?
"You know him?you forgot end of sentence punctuation again."
"I thought I did," he stepped forward. Let's stop trouble before it starts. Wolf looked at him with nervous eyes. Good, be afraid of me.
"Hello Wolf, what are you doing here?"
"I......Only three dots please, and if you really want to be correct say that he paused instead of this. have something of yours. I came to return it."
"And what exactly would you have that belongs to me?"
" A piece," Wolf said, pulling out a small compass, "of your soul."
"And I'm supposed to believe that?"It can't be. Why would you have this? Why would they give you this?Space neededSeres curled his hands inside his pockets.
Wolf held it out, "Take it.added period."

Overall, this is way better than before. The speech is a lot smoother with the description in between, but you don't describe too much.

P.M. me if you have any more questions,

A. S.

P.S. It is fine to post a map XD

P.P.S. if you go to the top right corner of your post you can see edit post. That way you don't have to make a new post every time you add another part. Because posts with zero or only one comments go on the recent works page. I don't know about other people, but I try to review stuff there first so no one goes without a review.

P.P.P.S. I feel as if this could be longer. It kind of just drops off. Or at least that is what if feels like to me...

Ok, thanks. I guess I'll add the rest of the scene in now, instead of later. Thanks for the tip. I just didn't want it to seem to intimidating.

Hello there!

Here to review.

So, I think you should've made the storyline a bit slower and try to 'really' connect it with your characters. I mean, I get confused with the plot itself. First of all is that you don't take the chance very well to introduce them to your readers. The dialogs aren't enough for us to understand a hundred percent of your narration. I don't want to sound rude but you should definitely take some time to reread this again and slow down the pace. Also, you haven't really said a slight background about Wolf and Seres. Although this story is based on second point of view, but still, I don't think that's an excuse for you not to describe more of your character's personality, history and more.

Second of all, you rely on adjectives and adverbs a lot. Try to 'show' more and don't do 'telling' a lot.

the moss green carpet shocking his feet. He glanced around, eyes resting on the large, oak-colored tables in the center of the shop. He didn't feel like sitting down, although the large orange and black armchairs looked comfortable. Instead, he walked up to the slate gray counter-top and slumped against it, long, black hair falling forward. He was feeling uneasy today, a nameless feeling spreading through his bones. The barista boy looked at him, rolled his hazel eyes and disappeared into the kitchen.Five minutes later, he came back with a cup of purple sludge, "Here, the boss wants you to try this." He stared at it with a disgusted look,"I'm glad the boss isn't making me drink that, even if it's on the house." The customer glared at him, the oddly colored, slivery-sapphire, eyes making the boy step back, then glared at the coffee.

In my opinion, you can delete some adjectives there. Or just be sure that it's relative on the things your character is describing. Don't only limit the narration on the visual depictions but also with the smell, sounds, and even the cold temperature since the chapter starts in a very early morning, right?

Others:

into the kitchen.Five minutes later,

Space.

"Sorry,it's a little too strong for me.

Space again.

"I" he paused, shuffling his feet,

A comma after 'I'.

Wolf held it out, "Take it"

A period after "it".

All in all:

I think just edit this up a bit and this would have a potential to be really better. Just give us some sort of a background so that we wouldn't be confused that's all. I think you've got much up to your sleeve, Idraax. Also, I apologize if ever I was harsh, rude or something. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out,
Yuri

Hey idraax.
Just a quick note that you can always add the newer parts in your main post using the edit button. It makes it easier for first time readers.
That said, I shall review this in a while.

'Kay so here I am.

Maybe it's just me, but I did like the way you started. Going straight to the action is fine and the way you've done is good so far and it's great that you've edited based on suggestions.
My main problem with this is that you rush around the people too much. Take some time to slow down, think and describe the character so that as a reader we get attached to him. You don't want to lose readers because they tend to forget who all you've mentioned initially.

Try asking Idra to try it, though. She likes strong coffee." Sorry, Idra, but you know what Zane's like, Seres apologized.

So, who is Idra? What does she do? Is she a very important character? If not, you could introduce us to her later on. Not right at the beginning.
In the first chapter, you should show us the world you're creating and the main people. You should make them stick in people's heads.

"You should call her boss," the barista boy said.

This confuses me. You mentioned Zane was a guy, so why's there a 'her' here? Or am I missing someone else here?
Scene 2, and especially this:

" A piece," Wolf said, pulling out a small compass, "of your soul."

is very interesting. But then, it's a chunk of dialogue and you should have a good balance of both dialogue and description.

Wolf stared at him in shock. Seres took the compass from his hand. It shimmered, strands of sapphire rising out to coil around his wrist.
"Hmm, you were telling the truth after all." The strands outlined thin scars that ran down his wrist before sinking under his skin. Seres looked up at him, "why are you here."

This got me confused again. At this point, maybe you should show us a little info, inter weave it, so that we have a fair idea of what's going on.

Grammar wise, this was pretty good. I noticed you tend to use a lot of commas especially in places where a full stop or question mark is required. Those are just minor points, though.

All this aside, this has great potential. You should work on description and pacing and you'll have a very solid first chapter.
Good Luck!
~Lava

idraax wrote:(Read the author's note first please) Hello everyone! I'm new here, so please be patient with me. Here is the story I've been working on for a while. I already have a bunch of chapters written. It's in a non-linear format, so if you're get confused that's ok. It's my first time writing in such a format, so I don't know how it will turn out.I have three storylines currently. The first one takes place in the present, the second in the past and the third in the future. Enjoy!
P.S Sorry, if this I kind of long. I tried to cut it at a natural stopping point.
Present

The coffee shop, Esnatzen, was empty when Seres walked in; the moss green carpet shocking his feet. He glanced around, eyes resting on the large, oak-colored tables in the center of the shop. He didn't feel like sitting down, although the large orange and black armchairs looked comfortable. Instead, he walked up to the slate gray counter-top and slumped against it, the tips of his black hair touching the counter. He was feeling uneasy today, a nameless feeling spreading through his bones. The barista boy looked at him, rolled his hazel eyes and disappeared into the kitchen. Five minutes later, he came back with a cup of purple sludge, "Here, the boss wants you to try this." He stared at it with a disgusted look,"I'm glad the boss isn't making me drink that, even if it's on the house." The customer glared at him, the oddly colored, slivery-sapphire, eyes making the boy step back, then he glared at the coffee.
"Well you aren't the boss's best friend," he said sourly, taking a sip. He immediately spat it out, grimacing. An omen, Seres thought. "He calls this isomit the is here. coffee?! This tastes like-"
"Seres! I see you tasted my new blend! How is it?" The boss skated in from the kitchen, thick, black smoke trailing in his wake. It stained the pumpkin walls and dulled the leaf covered metal tree on the wall behind the counter. The smells of burnt paper,myrrh,strawberry and coffee drifted out of the closing kitchen door.
"Hey Zane, what happened this time," Seres sighed.
"I was in the kitchen experimenting with some new ingredients," Zane said, brushing some white powder off of his apron, "and they caught on fire."
"What new ingredients," Seres asked, trading a nervous glance with the barista boy. They both came to the agreement that Zane was crazy enough Get rid of the word enough here. to keep trying to cook when everyone knew he couldn't.
Zane grinned, shaking some soot out of his fire-colored hair, "Sorry, can't tell you, trade secret, So what do you think?" He pointed at the cup. Seres eyed it and then Zane's hopeful face.
"Sorry,it's a little too strong for me. Zane checked his watch, a large, gaudy thing on his wrist, "It's five thirty; where is the rest of my staff?" Seres glanced around. It was true; the only people working were Zane and the barista boy.
"You should call them, boss," the barista boy said. Zane gave him a puzzled look and walked back into the kitchen.
"You're new here," Seres said to the barista boy; it wasn't a question.
"How'd you know?"
Seres laughed, "No one has ever called Zane 'boss' before. Where're you from?
"Telema"
Seres gave him a blank look, "Is that in Quilae?"
The barista boy smiled, "No, but close. It's in the country next to it, Kiranné."
"One of the tíz város"
The barista boy looked surprised, "You've heard of the ten cities?"
"I run a bookstore," Seres said glancing around the cafe, "plenty of time to learn about the old culture. How come no one's in here yet?"
The barista boy snorted, "You came in here at five fifteen. You're the only early riser I've met so far."
"It's a perfectly decent hour."
"Is it? You're the only non-zombie person I've seen at five fifteen." He pointed to the girl scrutinizing the menu. She didn't look like a zombie, in fact with the dark circles around her eyes she looked like a panda. He mentioned this to barista boy.
"Yeah, but she's still not as well dressed as you are. I haven't seen anyone else wearing jeans and a t-shirt this early, most people wear sweats and bathrobes. Now that guy on the other hand is an early riser just like you." He pointed towards the man in the doorway, a man Seres hadn't seen in twenty years. He had changed the way he dressed. Before he wore suits; now he was wearing a large duster and black, soft pants. I think you rushed this man into the story. The added thing about not seeing him in twenty years was to quick for your story line. I would put it in a little later in the description.
"Wolf," Seres murmured, the familiar smell of cinnamon and clove clouding his senses. I knew it. What's he doing here?
"You know him?"
"I thought I did"
"What ya mean?"
"We're estranged now. We," he paused, glancing at the door again. "I should go talk to him," he said instead and stepped forward. Let's stop trouble before it starts. Wolf looked at him with nervous eyes. Good, be afraid of me.
"Hello Wolf, what are you doing here?"
"I" he paused, shuffling his feet, "have something of yours. I came to return it."
"And what exactly would you have that belongs to me?"
" A piece," Wolf said, pulling out a small compass, "of your soul."
"And I'm supposed to believe that?" It can't be. Why would you have this? Why would they give you this? Seres curled his hands inside his pockets.
Wolf held it out, "Take it"
Seres eyed it warily, "You might have done something to it." You wouldn't give it to me just like that.
"I give you my word." Seres laughed, causing the barista boy to frown and panda girl to glare. "Sorry," he told them. "Your word," he said to Wolf, "means nothing to me." You betrayed me once. If I let you in you may do it again.
"Take it," Seres paused, considering him. He hasn't gotten much sleep; he hasn't eaten very well....does he?
"You have a death wish," he said.
Wolf blinked, "Why do you think that."
"I remember telling you that if I saw you again I'd kill you and yet you're here." I definitely don't want to see you again.
Wolf gave him a toothy grin, "I don't mind dying...you can have my life as your reparation."
"No" Why would you want to die? You wouldn't want to leave her alone like that. Not now.
Wolf frowned, "Why not?"
"Because you want to die" I won't let you...not until you feel the pain that I felt.
Wolf stared at him in shock. Seres took the compass from his hand. It shimmered, strands of sapphire rising out to coil around his wrist. My soul. It wants to come back to me.
"Hmm, you were telling the truth after all." The strands outlined thin scars that ran down his wrist before sinking under his skin. Seres looked up at him, "why are you here?"
"What do you mean?"
"You could have sent the compass to me...instead you delivered it yourself. Why?"
"I wanted to see you."
"I'm not going to kill you."
"You said that already."
"It needed repeating. What's the real reason?"
Wolf looked out at the prairie, "...I don't have anywhere else to go." Seres frowned and looked around the cafe. The barista boy was staring at them with undisguised interest and panda girl was trying to get his attention by leaning over the counter, her zebra striped scarf dangling in the space between them.
"Let's go sit down," he gestured to the armchairs and tucked the compass into his pocket, "I'll get us some coffee."


There were wardings surrounding Seres' house. Seres turned to him and regarded him with an odd look. Wolf shifted and looked at the ever-darkening sky. Rain, he thought, what a perfect ending.
"If you're having second thoughts, I can-"
"No,no," Seres shook his head, "I'm just wondering whether to key you in to the wards or to give you a key for them." Wolf stares at him, shocked. Keying someone into one's home wards was a large measure of trust. He couldn't believe Seres was even considering it. "Give me a key to get past them," he said, " it's better that way."
Seres frowned and considered his wards. "I think I'll key you in," he said eventually. Wolf started, giving him a wide-eyed look that Seres couldn't decipher. "It's safer this way," he explained,"this way there's no key to lose."
"You're not worried," Wolf asked, "about what I might do?" Seres gave him another undecipherable look.
"Let's begin," he said instead, muttering a word under his breath. All of a sudden, Wolf could see the wards. They were intricate. Layers upon layers leaving no area unprotected. They would take a lot of time to rebuild if broken. Seres murmured another word and Wolf could feel the wards attaching to him. Small, blue strands mingled with his own power. The wards pulsed once and fell silent.
"OK," Seres murmured, eyes partly glazed over," you're keyed in."
"Why," Wolf asked, " why are you trusting me with your home?" The wards didn't keep him out of the house when Seres wasn't there; they didn't impose any restrictions on him at all. Seres shrugged, " I can always change them if anything happens."
"That'll take months with wards this intricate!"
"I can do it," Seres said, opening the fromnt door and stopping on the threshold, "come on in."

Well Flower here as requested! I can actually say that I thouroughly enjoyed this. I didn't find it confusing and I loved how you put this piece together. I instantly fell in love with your characters, which rarely happens, and your description was magnificent. I fixed any tiny errors that I saw, but it wasn't really nesessary, you could have found them.

Other than that I am really excited to read more! This is really good.

-Flow-